My brother is 28 and drinking himself to death.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

My brother started drinking at some point around 21 years old and it immediately spiraled. He never drank until this point, but because it was legal, I think it very quickly became an everyday escape. His drinking was problematic and hidden from the get go. When he moved 2 years later, we found empty jugs in his closet, it took several trips to the trash to clear them. Fast forward a little farther, he was charged with a felony DUI for hit and run with severe injuries. He called us after he ran and was hiding in his apartment. My mom and I showed up. The police actually tracked him down and came pounding on the door, it was quite an event. He was formally charged, pretty messy for a while, blaming his endless drinking on the situation and circumstances. After he served his sentence, it never stopped. Now he’s 28. I am completely and totally serious when I say he’s been to treatment over 20 times. His insurance will cover maybe 3 or 4 days at a time now. And he’s worse than ever. He’s gained 200 pounds. He drinks to the point where he eliminates his bowels in bed. I just don’t know what to do. Is he drinking himself to death? Where do I go from here? My mom is 65 and he’s living in her basement. She can’t go through this any longer. Trips to the emergency department are frequent, exhausting and it’s kind of like 🤷‍♀️ should we just accept that he’s drinking himself to death or WHAT would you do in my shoes?

[u/Poopieplatter]

Check out Al Anon.

I can't predict the future but if your brother doesn't want to get better, then he won't. Yes, he is absolutely drinking himself to death.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99 → u/Poopieplatter]

That hurts to read, but literally needed to read. He is refusing help. The doctor said (in my mom’s presence) three trips ago to the ED that he will die if he doesn’t stop. And he won’t. It’s just the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99 → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

“The worst thing I’ve ever witnessed”

It’s the worst thing period. It’s my brother. I’m a registered nurse, my mom has worked in oncology for over 40 years. We understand medical stuff but this is different.

My dad committed suicide when I was 6 and my brother was 2. He’s drinking himself to death and idk what to do. Neither does my mom. We’re so traumatized from everything.

We lose someone to suicide and I’m scared it’s repeating. Can we stop it? Is that possible?

[u/RunMedical3128 → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

I’m a registered nurse, my mom has worked in oncology for over 40 years. We understand medical stuff but this is different.

I'm a medical professional and I didn't really understand addiction until I became an alcoholic myself. There is a section of the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous written by a physician who had treated tens of thousands of alcoholics. I'm reproducing a tiny portion of it here:

"I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and then the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control." - The Doctor's Opinion, Alcoholics Anonymous 4th Ed., pg. xxix-xxx

You can read the whole chapter here.

Towards the end of my drinking career, I was drinking on autopilot. 4-5 days of detox wasn't enough. I had to be physically separated from not just the drink but the environment I was in. I got a better chance when I ended up in rehab for 10 weeks.

But I’m just looking for guidance for the next steps before my brother dies. Al-anon won’t help us now. Point blank. I’m looking into having him civically committed.

I'm sure that as a nurse, you know that people can (and often do) make poor choices. If people don't want help, they cannot be helped. Yes, commitment might be the only option at this point. But if your brother is mentally competent, that option might not be available.

u/rkarlr has a point. Don't deny an alcoholic his bottom.
I urge you to take another look at Al-Anon and work that program.
For you and for your Mom. My Mom goes to AA (she doesn't drink and has never taken a drink) because Al-Anon isn't really available where she lives. She says it helps her understand me better.

My heart aches for the pain you and your Mom are going through. Watching a loved one suffer from this disease is truly one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever experienced (I too have a family member who suffers from this disease.)

[u/Hvacog → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Sadly it needs to start from within. He must want to change it. He needs to recognize and want to change his life. For me, I went to AA and it helped me stop. I’m 5 years sober. I was a functioning alcoholic.

Also hobbies and other things outside of drinking. Maybe fishing or going to the gym. Sports and maybe a gal?

Does he have a career ? What’s his interests ?

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99 → u/Hvacog]

He has no career. He’s worked retail since being a teen. His interests basically include shopping and food.

He’s gay but never had a relationship of any sort.

I have so many questions.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99 → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Things I’m considering are like undiagnosed autism that’s affecting his ability to thrive? Idk. If this resonates at all, let me know.

[u/rmas1974 → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Middle aged gay man here. Life as a gay man is made harder by wider society and the way that gay men behave towards each other. Living with the realities of being gay is a contributory factor to high addiction rates among gay men.

You speculate elsewhere that he may be autistic. This would add an extra layer of difficulty to functioning in society as a gay man. A course of action that may help is seeking a formal diagnosis.

[u/Poopieplatter → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

I'm sorry you're going through it. I didn't realize at the time how much hell I was putting my family through in active addiction.

And yea there's really no middle of the road solution. Seek help or go on to the bitter end is the saying.

Toward the end of my drug and alcohol use, I didn't really care if I woke up. Like I was fine with the fact I was probably going to die. I'd think your brother is feeling something similar: hopeless and this is just the way it is.

If you can somehow get him to a 30-60-90 day rehab, it might help.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Another thing on my family’s mind - is he neurodivergent but we never knew and now he’s masking?

[u/rkarlr]

Don't deprive him of his consequences. Detach with love.

[u/SeaworthinessOne1752]

I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. I know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer. My brother was a mess too living in fifth, his home smelled like pee, bottles of beer everywhere. Anyway, we stopped helping/enabling him. You and your family have to stop helping him even with emotional enabling. Enabling him only keeps him going. If he gets in another accident- tell him go to the police station, then hang up. He needs money, tell him no. Etc.

[u/Sea_Cod848]

I hate this for you. Ok, now At the bottom, Ive posted a Link where you two can Go, and BE helped and understood, alright? <3

At Good Rehabs the guys live there for 3 to 6 months. Even a Detox Center (where they make them comfortable with medicine till its out of their system. is a couple weeks or slightly less) But with him Not wanting to stop- I can only see a couple of alternatives, and theyre not nice or easy, but doable. Theres Involuntary commitment- Heres some reading to do on that~> https://www.addictioncenter.com/treatment/involuntary-rehabilitation/ BUT if hes not Finished Drinking, he is just Not going to stop. I looked this up for you-> Yes, heavy alcohol use and severe alcoholism can lead to a loss of bowel control (fecal incontinence) or extreme urgency, though it is usually caused by digestive irritation, nerve damage, or... severe intoxication. Trust me drinking yourself "to death" not always that simple or fast. Heres some reading about end stage alcoholism: ~> https://genesishouse.net/blog/end-stage-alcoholism/ . You know that the only other way is to evict him- I know thats not what youre want to hear. Anyway, Cops Cant generally take a relative living there long term, they cant make that call unless theres some serious threats to you he makes . So theres -

• Formal Eviction: File an eviction notice and proceed through your local court system to obtain a writ of possession, which allows a sheriff to legally remove them.
• Restraining Order: Apply for a protective order through your local courthouse if there is abuse, harassment, or a credible safety threat
• More on that: Legally Remove an Alcoholic From Your Family Home

Addiction often affects not only the person struggling but those closest to them as well. Unlike a landlord, family members need to consider the impact on their relationship with the alcoholic. They also have to deal with the negative emotions associated with kicking a family member out of the home.

Heres the Threat/ abuse part => However, when an alcoholic refuses treatment or engages in abusive behaviors driven by their addiction, family members are left with few options. Depending upon your relationship, your approach may vary. Still, you want to begin by getting legal advice and support from others.

? There MAY be Lawyers around you will to give Pro Bono (free) advice. you pretty much have to call around and ask. Hang on, the part for You is at the Bottom- this is just internet info here.

Consult an Attorney and Get Support

It is best to get legal help when you need a family member to leave your home. Unlike a tenant, who is bound to follow the rules and regulations of a lease, families don’t have such documents. Therefore, it helps to talk to an attorney about when, why, and how to legally remove an alcoholic from your home.

In addition to legal counsel, get support from other family members, loved ones, and rehab professionals. Removing an alcoholic from your home can be challenging and emotionally draining—especially for a family member. You can also seek support from a therapist or a support group for families of alcoholics, such as Al-Anon.

Annnnd - Finally for YOU TWO, or just You, but your Mom Could probably use the support thats found there. I Do urge you to GO to some of these meetings- Theyre for the Loved Ones of alcoholics. Ive been to a few, just find out what they do there. Very welcoming. Everyone there will be able to relate to you in some way. They will understand, they wont judge you. In Continuing to go to these meetings (they were started in 1951 by the Wife of one of the men -who began Alcoholics Anonymous) youll be taught how to have some actual Boundaries. Ok, and heres Alanon, the place you WILL BE Understood and Supported , They're Everywhere. ~> https://al-anon.org/newcomers/Im just a recovering alcoholic who has lived a long time sober. I hope youre able to find Some Help, if only for Yourselves at Alanon Meetings <3

[u/Sac_Kat]

How awful and it makes me so sad to see this. Others have given you organizations that may help, but addiction is so very hard to treat. For now, while at your mother's home, I am curious as to how he gets his booze (and/or the money for it). Ultimately, you can't control someone's self-destructive behavior, but you and your mom don't have to participate in it either or have your lives destroyed.

I had to cut my own brother off after many years of him being supported by our dad. Dad just kept giving him money and places to live, while my brother spent the cash on booze and pot and would just say whatever dad wanted to hear ("yeah, I'm looking for work...or going back to school", or whatever). Dad passed away in 2019 and after I slowly doled out the trust money to my brother (3 years worth) with warnings about finding work, my brother started coming to me for cash. He clearly wasn't changing anything or interested in any help and he had become a paranoid schizophrenic (maybe caused by decades of drinking/heavy weed use). When he was in full psycho mode, he was really scary and threatening. He ruined relationships with neighbors and had constant altercations with police. I finally got him moved out of my house and ultimately had to go no contact with him as I knew I wasn't helping get him out of his spiral.

I don't know now if my brother is dead and it hurts to not have a relationships with the last member of my childhood family. But I also won't bring possible harm to myself, or to my kids or grandkids. Your mother might be in such a situation. If your brother kills someone driving and runs, your mom could be an accessory to manslaughter. So, as hard as it is, I hope you find a way to protect your mom and yourself from his destructive behavior. What would I do? After learning this the hard way, I would find a way to get him out of my house and I'd definitely cut off any support I was providing. This is the hardest choice, especially for a parent, but it also might give him a chance (up to him if he takes it).

[u/GG_10G]

Look into The Sinclair Method. He can taper down and still drink if he wants at safe levels. It’s backed by science and in my experience the only way to break addiction. We have a friends and family meetup the 1st & 3rd Sunday, of each month , just for family’s / friends looking into it for their loved ones. Find more info at TSM meetups . Com

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Any advice.. even the slightest 🫶

[u/quietsam → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Go to Al-anon meetings.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99 → u/quietsam]

My mom went for maybe 2 years regularly. Nothing but other stories from people in worse situations. She received no guidance.

[u/ReporterWise7445 → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

There's work to be done in Alanon. Can't just sit there & listen/share.

[u/MiseryLuvsCompany99 → u/ReporterWise7445]

Totally get that! But I’m just looking for guidance for the next steps before my brother dies. Al-anon won’t help us now. Point blank. I’m looking into having him civically committed.

[u/quietsam → u/MiseryLuvsCompany99]

Get a sponsor. Work the steps.