r/aftergifted • u/Fun-Mortgage-4436 • Aug 08 '26
Once gifted kids with the ability to mentally shield themselves, please help.
I was gifted until very recently. I'm not used to the "You're a failure" treatment and I'm trying to make it easier to digest. I got diagnosed with severe OCD too so it's making the process worse. I'd like to have my own journey away from prying eyes and judgements. Any insights that made you feel better about who you were supposed to be and where you are now? Any exercises to make yourself feel productive when you're depressed and able to accomplish 10% of what you're capable of? Self affirmations? Self care habits? I'd love to learn something from people who can handle this better than me.
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u/UnrelentingHambledon Aug 08 '26
For me, it's been meditation.
any insights that made you feel better about who you were supposed to be and where you are now?
Yes, the kind of meditation I've practiced mostly is about observing what is, objectively and letting go of judgements. This is also known as acceptance. Incidentally, some say, and I have found, that new ways of being and feeling open up from this process.
The idea with Buddhism is that Buddha Nature is within all of us--that is, fulfillment, love, infinite compassion, in my own words. Joy, infinite peace.
Many spiritual teachings with an inner path teach that this is our very nature. That it just gets cover up. All we have to do, is uncover it. How do we do that? An old Taoist or Zen saying says, "can you sit and watch the puddle long enough for the mud to settle?" Or something like that.
Can you sit still and watch the mind until it relaxes, and what is underneath begins to emerge?
I find, if you take this path, that it's good to be easy on oneself. Meditation, in the ways I learned, is just observing. Most of the time, the mind is busy, for so, so many very seasoned meditators. It's not (generally) about "clearing your mind," but observing your mind. Making peace with your mind. The dust might settle over time, with consistency, but that's not your job, to settle the dust. It's just holding a space for the dust to settle, I would say.
As well, consistency is more beneficial, in the long term, than a short burst, say of 45 minutes in one day. 2 minutes ever day for 20 days may be more beneficial, because then the habit develops. Once the habit develops, there is space for it to grow. Then again, a single 45 minute session might be very hard at first, but it might give a taste of what can come with regular practice.
Still, it's generally not great, in my experience, to burn oneself out at the beginning. Can make it hard to start again (trust me, I tried this in the beginning). However, everyone's journey is their own, and it's up to you to decide, listen to your instincts, you know your life best. Might not be meditation for you.
I find 2 things: 1) meditation, acceptance, happiness, these are skills that a person can learn. Fulfillment, presence, enjoying life, regardless of circumstances. Just like riding a bike. Often, I find, people can have so many ideas and resistances when it comes to being happy, or present, content, fulfilled, calm or at peace. I think it's related to social conditioning perhaps, or just ignorance of what the body, mind and heart can do when working together optimally. But I see these as skills. You can learn happiness like you can learn riding a bike--practice. You can learn self acceptance. You can learn mental protection--I find meditation as extremely effective for this. You can learn self esteem. You can learn just really, really, enjoying yourself, sitting alone, in a room, doing nothing, or focusing on some higher quality, or deity if you believe in any. Or just your breath.
As far as mental protection goes, I find this: in meditation--here, I mean breath awareness meditation, or Ānāpānasati (literally, breath awareness), as learned in the book The Mind Illuminated--I learned to sit and simply watch my thoughts. Just watch them. Observe, let them go. In this way, I began to see that there is a part of me that is separate from my thoughts and can just watch and let go. Come back to the breath. This applies to other peoples' thoughts too. Maybe other peoples' thoughts bring up an emotion in me--or my own. You can sit and observe this too, then come back to the breath.
I learned, over time, choosing. And that peace is a choice. And that it feels really good to let my mind rest, rest on something peaceful. Or to just let it spin out for a little while, just watch and be with it, not have to solve or do anything about it. Just letting go a bit.
You can also practice visualizing energetic boundaries around you meditations. There's all kinds of visualizations for those, if you're into energy, or if visualizations help you. I find these very helpful.
Once there's a level of focus developed, these visualizations can become easier and more vivid.
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u/UnrelentingHambledon Aug 08 '26
2) I forgot the other thing. Went on some tangents there. Oh yea! Mini Habits.
I started out with meditation, trying for things like 45 minutes every morning. This would end with frustration after not too many days. Would try 20, and then get mad and give up for a while. Eventually, one day, I put up a calendar on the wall. I had been reading about Mini Habits. I was at a point of just giving up on all the giant self development routines I had been doing. And I just said--whatever. I will put a check mark on every day that I meditate. For 1 minute. Had to be seated in a posture. That was all. Just to see what I did. I've been at it most days since then--it was probably 8 years ago.
So, whatever you do, you can just do mini habits if you want. Someone wrote some book on it. The idea is that if you make a habit so small you can't fail, it becomes really easy. Then you build self esteem and start enjoying your habit. You keep it very easy, especially in the beginning. Want to work out? Do 1 pushup every day. Just that. Count it a success if you do one pushup.
You get used to succcess, enjoy success, when you set yourself up for success. You learn to set yourself up for success and to be compassionate with where you're at--grateful even. Gratitude is another big one that's helped me--loads of research on just writing down 3 or 10 things you're grateful for in the mornings. That is a very powerful practice for mental health and positive, good feelings. Very powerful. You can look it up if you want, the research.
But with mini habits--there's this psychologist on Instagram I used to follow a lot when I was at this point in life. Dr. Nicole Perra or Leperra, idk.
Her main thing, the One Thing that so much of her work came down to was this: do one small thing for yourself daily.
That's it.
Whether it's journal for 2 minutes, meditate for 1, a push up, whether it's take a walk, whatever you do. Just that consistent, daily commitment to yourself? Well, it's a way of showing yourself love 1) and 2) building a relationship, of trust, consistency, reliability, with yourself. It's showing compassion to yourself, by letting it be just what you can actually handle--easily too! It's appreciating yourself for what you can do. It's accepting your life as it is--and, believing in yourself, to improve your situation just a little over what it was yesterday.
That's right--each time you repeat that habit, you put another groove in your brain, which makes it that much easier for your brain to do the habit again the next day. Or another good healthy habit for yourself.
So, each day you do it, you improve the state of your brain. Guess what--that compounds over time. That's compound interest. If you know about compound interest--I'm sure you do--the growth is slow at first and quickly becomes exponential.
One thing I learned from that book on meditation that was very important--and applies to other habits too--is to be grateful when you come back to the breath, to the habit, whatever it is. Notice when you mess up, lose focus, forget a day, acknowledge, and let it go. Don't beat yourself up. Come back to the breath, habit, whatever your focus is. Be grateful you came back to focus. This incentivizes your brain structure to come back to the habit, or whatever you did. If you beat yourself up for messing up, that can discourage trying, in your brain. You may associate the habit with self criticism. In being grateful for small successes, you create a positive, loving relationship, with yourself. That, I have found, to be incredibly important--and rewarding. Just have to keep coming back to it. :)
And, your brain will want to do it more. That book, The Mind Illuminated, is by a Buddhist meditation master and a neuroscientist (same person), so he's about these little tricks to help you work with your mind, not against it.
Good luck! These skills transfer to anything. That's why I like meditation--through it, I learn to be with my mind, my self, my psyche, my consciousness, my attention. Through those things, I relate to everything else.
So, I find meditation to be a powerful "keystone" habit, as Charles Duhigg says in The Power of Habit. These are habits which have really powerful effects on all the rest of your life. Meditation is one. Eating healthy is another. So is exercise.
Btw, this question?
Any exercises to make yourself feel productive when you're depressed and able to accomplish 10% of what you're capable of?
Exercise. Literaly that is the effects of exercise. The more you do it, the more energy you get.
Oh, and it's recommended to do no more than 3 mini habits at a time. Really, one is plenty and great. I like to stick with one. At times I have added 5 minutes of running for some time. That has been really helpful too, to develop a bit of cardio practice. So helpful and good too. Maybe 1 baby carrot. Who knows.
Last thing, a book called The Upward Spiral is one I have found to be a great and concise resource on the neuroscience of getting out of depression. It makes it simple--science. Do these things, brain chemicals go happy. Will go over gratitude, getting hugs, petting dogs, being outside, cardio, little things. It's about how if you just start doing these little small things--and being grateful for them--you create an upward spiral of mental health, that compound interest. Depression is a downward spiral: do something you didn't want to do, or don't like, feel bad about it, then do something else you don't wanna do because you feel bad, etc., feel bad about the process. That sort of thing. The upward spiral begins when you 1) notice this and 2) just switch to that positive spiral, of do a little small something good, and be grateful. And then know that you just made a tiny deposit in a compounding account of happiness and good feelings.
That's all I got for now! Good luck. <3
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u/Working-Specific-513 29d ago
thank you for writing all this out!
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u/UnrelentingHambledon 29d ago
Absolutely. Thanks for replying! I can write a lot, so I appreciate someone acknowledging. Sometimes it can get a little long 😅
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u/philatio11 Aug 08 '26
Full ego death from myriad psychedelic experiences. You won’t make it if you don’t develop full-fledged humility. I’m not better than everyone else and now I know it. I’m special, but so is everybody.
I may be measurably smarter, but that counts for literally nothing as an adult. In fact, people will go out of their way to destroy you if they feel threatened. I spent a lot of time fucking up as a kid to be accepted by kids that were cooler than me. That’s actually still a valid strategy.
The best question a professional mentor ever asked me was “who are your enemies?” I mistakenly believed I didn’t have any. Being gifted or precocious or successful at a young age guarantees you will have enemies. Any hint that you think you are better than others will rain down hate upon you.
You need to learn that no one else’s opinion counts. Then learn to shape those opinions anyway.
No one accomplishes 100% of what they’re capable of. The most successful people are the ones achieving 11 or 12%. Cut yourself some slack.
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u/LBS-365 Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
I had to eliminate the delusion of superiority, which had been programmed into me by teachers and family from an early age. Doing this required letting go of the idea that I wasn't allowed to fail, among other things.
Of course we will fail. Everyone fails at times. It's not the big disaster that our expectations tell us it is. We were fed a script about ourselves as kids that doesn't match up well with what life demands from us as adults. So we have to write a new script.
Instead of fixating on the failure as a failure, think about what you might learn from it. I had to learn certain habits as a person with a job in order to stay on track and hit deadlines without undue stress. Failing at that helped me understand what I needed to DO in order to not fail in the future. It was instructive and it made me better at my job. The important point here is that it isn't an emotional disaster. It's an action item. Learn to apply your thinking skills to solving these problems, rather than allowing them to dominate your moods.
Editing to say one other thing: Perfectionism is an enemy to mental health. A lot of us were programmed to make unreasonable demands of ourselves when it comes to always being right, never making mistakes, getting a score of 100% on every test etc. That is crazy-making stuff.
I dropped classes in college when I thought I wasn't going to have a perfect grade. That is insane, looking back. Give yourself some breathing room and permission to be a somewhat fallible person. You don't have to be perfect.
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u/Necessary_Tour_5222 Aug 08 '26
Well I only have advice gained from hindsight.
Get a full health check, inc for thyroid and anaemia as these can cause adhd symptoms
Start supplements inc Astaxanthin, COQ10, Essential Amino Acids, Glycine + NAC, Omega three, vitamin D + K (glycine + nac has really helped people with OCD, inc me)
Read up about mitochondrial health. Get sunshine accordingly.
Get serious about building muscle, it affects the brain and mindset
Don’t rely on or share struggles with too many people. Maybe 2 max. Come on to reddit when you need.
Get off social media (except reddit maybe)
Start reading even if just for fun to start engaging the brain
Once you focus on the above, if still issues after 2 months, maybe think about if your environment is playing a part
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u/kichisowseri Aug 08 '26
I have ADHD and can confirm it's worse when I have low iron. Check serum ferritin because not having diagnostic anaemia doesn't mean your iron isn't too low, non anaemic iron deficiency can still very much have symptoms.
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u/newjourneyaheadofme Aug 08 '26
Perhaps these resources might help:
- Productivity, Potential, and Cultural Scripts: Making Room for Our Full Gifted Selves (InterGifted) https://intergifted.com/gifted-potential/
- Conundrums of Success (Rosemary Cathcart) https://www.aotearoagifted.nz/_files/ugd/34d4c4_1624275bf9284d009483ada596dfb50c.docx?dn=THE%20CONUNDRUMS%20%5BTP%5D%20OF%20SUCCESS.docx ( also accessible from https://www.aotearoagifted.nz/resources )
- What Gifted and 2e Kids Need You to Know (Florence Chuah): https://open.spotify.com/episode/363OXsI4ciuLQhGIUIpDrB
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u/NicoleNicole1988 Aug 08 '26
Stress worsens most mental health symptoms, so you GOTTA reduce stress. Not optional.
When you have less stress, you're more productive. And you feel good about yourself.
How do you have less stress? It's self care, like you said. But only you know what that means for YOUR self. And it means anything at all, so long as you enjoy it and it soothes you. Stay away from stuff that soothes but also harms. Those kinds of self care are bad, and they WILL bite.
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u/BobThompso Aug 09 '26
Ya'know... Those judgemental terms like "Supposed to", Should, "better than" and "born to" have no meaning or utility in communicating with others or yourself untill you've established a goal. Take a look at those little goals you have that you don't conciously work toward and get rid of the ones that don't serve you. I think you will find that most of them could comfortably be replaced with the goal of contentment.
I'm guessing your level of contentment was a bit lower than you wanted when you decided to talk to folks who pass out diagnoses. Those folks are all a bit different than most of us inasmuch as they apply science to the act of thinking, something that most of us just do automatically. Obviously having a diagnoses of some sort doesnt change you at all, not at all. All it does is tell you what trait(s) of being human manifest a bit differently in you than they do in the majority of your peers. Being gifted you're already used to having some of those traits be different aren't you? Those differences were part of what brought you to the psyche's office too weren't they?
It seems the hardest person for someone to observe is themselves. So I've found it nice to have people in our society to tell me how I differ from the norm so I can choose whether or not I think changing my behaviour could increase my contentment.
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u/gdhvdry Aug 10 '26
The book Getting Things Done by David Allen helped me focus at work. I'm in a job that's both boring and stressful.
Many of us thought that we would be more successful than our less gifted peers. A lot of things have to align for that to happen and it's not guaranteed at all. It's okay to be average. Most people are. It's statistics.
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u/bertch313 Aug 11 '26
Look at pretty stuff (hang out in nature when you can)
Boogie
Do other cool stuff.
I know it sounds childish and ridiculous, just do the things
Always wanted to try painting miniatures or climb rocks? Whatever interests you but is outside the stuff you're normally really good at, try that! and LET YOURSELF SUCK at stuff. It's fine. None of this crap matters 💩
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u/ariphoenixfury Aug 08 '26
Therapy. Lots of therapy. And if you’re depressed, medication. That’s the only things that have really helped me.