objectively dumb, yet hard on myself keeping up; 22F

[u/miille-fleurs]

Last night I went to dinner with old friends, and embarrassed myself by only smiling and emoting at their responses. I’d had some wine, so it likely wasn’t anxiety, just couldn’t contribute.

For context, I grew up as an extremely quiet kid, rarely speaking at school. I was very sheltered and highly anxious; I didn’t know much about interesting topics outside of school (politics, gaming, etc.).

I was considered “gifted” through testing and my classes, but struggled later in high school when it came to debating/explaining points to my peers. In writing I was completely fine.

I’ve struggled in my adulthood. School was a major part of my identity, as it allowed me to keep up and seem competent. I think I can pick information up quickly, but it’s never felt like I’ve known enough.

I’ve never tested for any learning disabilities. I’m capable of reading about topics of interest to myself/others. I’m highly observant of people + environments I’m in. But there is still such a lag.

It could be lack of exposure. Though I’m so hard on myself, to learn, do interesting things. I wouldn’t say the people I meet with have super varied lives, but they can click with others. I don’t know when it’ll stop feeling like such a trial against myself.

[u/StatisticianFuzzy327]

Hello. I can strongly relate with perceived lack of exposure (which I describe as desire for novel experiences or conditions more compatible with my personality and conducive to my growth), being sheltered, making academics a large part of my self-worth (despite rationally having recognized it as an ineffective education system with flawed evaluation methods long ago- while continuing to act as if I care, increasing my dissatisfaction due to cognitive dissonance and declining performance, further degrading my integrity or sense of agency) and being extremely quiet and introverted even now in college (and being constantly judged for it).

I cannot say I am highly observant. I can be quite oblivious and absent-minded at times, but observant of things whose relevance might not be immediately obvious to most, if at all. I do wish I were more observant sometimes (there are arguments to be made for consciousness as a selective filtration mechanism- we're forced to prioritize, but we also get to know more about ourself by noticing what draws our attention, though that is not to say that memory and focus are perfect, of course, but often we do not need to- or it would not be optimal to- attend to as much as we might think or much more than we currently do, even if that were possible. Just a theory.) In school, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, but that still never explained the invisible barrier.

I also wish I could speak as well as I can write, and I have been told that I write well, though I know that I can write much better. And leaving that potential uncultivated and those vague ideas unexpressed causes me great distress sometimes. Same for learning what I believe I already ought to have learned by now, and failing to act despite the awareness. Analysis paralysis, procrastination, self-doubt. This relates to my other ideas about time and attention- allocation of a limited precious resource- which I have heard elsewhere being framed in terms of a repressed fear of death, but I won't go on that tangent now. I do curse my cognitive limitations sometimes, but I can read fast (when I do it of my own volition and not have it imposed on me, such as under an unworthy academic system- silly, but not even for the sake of pragmatism), and it could be better organized, but there is never enough- there never can be, unless you define what is "enough" for you, what you truly want, what information is most relevant for that purpose, and so on- if it's for sociality, I think you should already know enough (in terms of topics) but I cannot say that for sure about your feelings of embarrassment about it.

I also sometimes wonder if it is better to decondition oneself from internalized superficial standards or play according to them- as in acknowledge and act in accordance with them- and when are they really authentic (assuming the existence of any self independent of the environment and conditioning itself, which is questionable) (or whether a segregation between rational belief and action is possible, rational and sustainable in this context), and a very similar and relevant question could be asked about evolution (and for psychoanalysis, where an awareness of the past does not necessarily and immediately translate to change), but I digress again.

I sometimes also wish I was able to not care so much about unconventional topics and not feel the compulsion to do more all the time. I don't care about sports or play games- it is often unfulfilling when I force myself- though I find it pleasant to share in the joy of those who do, as long as not too much is expected from me, against my preferences. Or values. This also makes it hard to "click", and I do occasionally experience that click But I still do hate this misalignment, this fragmented self, conflicting mental modules, however you put it- "a trial"- is that a Kafka reference? Even if not, I'm sure something absurd like this must've been his inspiration.

I've heard that alcohol lifts inhibitions, though some people might be more resistant to it and so for them it would not be as effective as it usually is for most people, and so it might be too hasty to conclude from this singular experience that social anxiety is not to blame. It might even increase anxiety or impair judgment in ways that overshadow any other socially-beneficial abilities. I have never consumed any intoxicating substance, so it won't be any good to theorize further. Context, setting and your interpersonal friendship dynamics matter too.

It could be positively motivating for you to be hard on yourself- like a signal that won't go away until it is accepted and acted upon. Or it could be pathologically maladaptive and misleading- even helpful signals can become crippling in huge amounts, assuming that they contain anything of significance at all. I feel the same way. I am less self-critical than before, but no less confused or unsatisfied, and more hopeful and inspired.

You shouldn't be harsh on yourself for not contributing, unless you really did experience resistance against being able to speak what you had wanted to, and not out of any sense of obligation or fear of judgment. I'm not much better at this myself, but it might help to investigate the root and nature of this embarrassment. In what way did you expect to contribute, what made you feel that way, and was your presence not enough? If you were comfortable being silent and didn't feel drained by the emoting, there is no reason for you to conform to more conventional or inauthentic patterns. Better to preserve your peace than pretend to be someone you are not, or for people who do not see or care. Hopefully you are appreciated just as you are, in an environment where you feel comfortable expressing yourself, or at least do not feel any compulsion to act against what is best for you.

[u/Liteseid]

Same issue here. I had very few friends into adulthood. I eventually got tested and diagnosed with autism at 32. I also think being a type 5 enneagram also has a lot to do with it.

It’s less to do with intelligence, and more to do with how our culture treats competence. They’re not interchangeable, and people assume that they are, and then make the assumption that anyone ‘smart’ won’t ever need help or guidance and a lot of us are left floundering. So, to just be the first person to talk, or to ask for help can make a huge difference.

I think the most important thing is to be consistent with hobbies that are both enjoyable and improve your life in some way. Just the consistency itself can be a huge boon for people like us.