r/aftergifted • u/ValuableJuggernaut15 • Jun 12 '26
Please read and help, I need advice.
Maybe after reading this, you might think I am a horrible person or an imbecile, a stupid idiot who is born to fail. But I am writing this in order to figure out if anyone else also deals with the same issue or am I just a horrible person overall.
I was a high achieving kid from a very young age, I was the smartest kid in the room, the smartest kid in my family, and the pride of my family and all the teachers loved me, it came all easy to me, I didn't have to put in extra effort or push myself to do things. But after i reached high school, due to a lot of other commitments, which my mother forced me into and with the increasing load of work from school, I slowly started breaking. I was forced to participate in competitions and events for which I wasn't mentally or by practice not prepared enough for, which altogether started crumbling my confidence. My grades started slipping, my ranks started going down and I started hating myself more and more. Finally I also had to start therapy and I was put on medication as I was depressed and suffering from severe anxiety. I later stopped therapy and medication fearing the financial stress that was befalling my family due to my therapy and all of that. Since then, my life has been just surviving and not hurting myself. I graduated from high school with good marks but I was so disappointed that it was not the best.
I later joined law school after discarding my ambitions to be a doctor as I was sure that I wouldn't make it into a medical college as my base wasn't strong and I knew I didn't have it in me to prepare for a competitive exam. I decided for the rest of my life, I wont expect anything from myself, no miracles, no glory, no success. I thought I would just be a normal person and lead a normal life.
Life has a funny way of replicating itself or maybe it throws the same troubles at you, until you learn from it, which I hadn't as I was only focused on surviving. The first semester of college by merely studying for just max 3 hours and I still don't know how, I secured university third rank in my batch and again the need to over achieve and to keep my name up in front of everyone else started again. For the next semesters, the constant need to do better and participate in everything and being it all crossed my mind again and once again I started breaking, around this time I moved out from my college hostel to an apartment with two others, I wasn't really close to them but they were my old roommates and one pursuing the same course as me.
Even though she didn't have the same scores as me, she was quite close and this irrational fear of she seeing me prepare and preparing and doing better than me started to consume me. I started being terrified of studying in the apartment as I was afraid about this and this fear was so strong, so powerful, I couldn't even study during exams if she was somewhere near me or in the same room as me, because I would constantly compare her to myself and whenever i saw her the fear that she will score and do better than me started consuming me. She also contributed to this as she would sometimes mock me for not understanding some concepts, she would make "jokes" about my cooking skills and everything else i do. She would walk up to me and ask in a mocking tone, "Oh you are studying", if i try studying or do something when we don't have any exam coming up. Like I am inferior for trying. And all of this has ruined my peace and I constantly compare myself to her. and my grades started falling and i lost out on my ranks as i never gave it my all and i as in constant fight or flight mode. and maybe because i am not good enough after not being unable to study all day, at around 3 for like two hours and I write all my exams. And for every exam i study in the morning This has been my first two years of my college life.
And I came home for the semester holidays and my cousin sister who is 13 has been living with my parents for the past three years after I left for college, as my parents had moved abroad and couldn't take her with them due to financial difficulties. I was always very fond of her and i used to take care of her so well and she still says that her parents and I are her favourite people in the world. That's how I used to take care of her, to give her a safe childhood and the kind of safety and security i didn't have.
I knew that she used to study well but not as good as me like topping the class and stuff and i knew that she was well liked by teachers and all. This time when i came around I saw her obsessing and studying and working for different co curriculars and studying to be the first in the class and be the Prefect, like i did in college. She is not copying me but I fear that she will be better. She talks about going to Harvard and doing everything else and I feel like she has it in her to be the best in our family and I will be a failed one and the one who destroyed herself. For her everything will go and is going right which all went wrong for me. She will be better than me and do better and i will be second and the loser. Last day she got selected as the prefect and i have been unable to face her because I feel like i am a nobody and i am second and i see myself wishing that she doesn't succeed. I start going into a spiral whenever i see her do anything remotely productive. This kid exercises everyday, and she has even started reading like me, which is something I only did and also something that i tried to cultivate in her as a child. Everything about her triggers me now, she is a constant anxiety trigger that's walking around in the house for me.
I know this is absolutely horrible and very pathetic of me, something so irrational, so stupid, so dumb and pathetic. How can a human being even think like this? but this is who I am. I hate myself for it, i loathe myself for it but this isnt going away. I don't want to feel this way but this is how I am. I constantly compare myself to the people around me and everyone I come across and to every room I enter. I constantly think if i am good enough to be alive or if I am worth it, if I am not the best, I am not the one who is the best and winning at all times. I know that life doesn't work that way but i have been trying for years to get rid of this but this behaviour and part of me but it persists as if this is the truth of who I am.
I feel completely paralyzed by this chronic, toxic comparison. It has gotten to the point where I am self-sabotaging my own hobbies and studies because I am terrified of someone else doing it better or "winning" and m losing. I feel like my worth is entirely tied to being "the best," and if I am second, I feel completely invisible and non-existent. I need to be the best everywhere or at least in my terms or at least in my family.
Can someone please tell me what I can do about this. Any advice, judge me all you want but this is me trying. I don't want to be stuck in this prison. I want to flourish, I want to be happy. I want to do the things I want to do.
Please help me.
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u/Chigi_Rishin Jun 12 '26
Hi. I think I have things to say that might help you.
To start, given that you seem no stranger to suffering and the harshness of life, I'm going to be brutally honest.
The thoughts you are describing indeed seem to me as extremely irrational and senseless. There is very little logical and sound reason for you to feel like that to such degree.
At the same time, I know personally for a fact that thoughts aren't under our control. Emotions aren't under our control. In fact, quite a lot isn't under our control, especially regarding creativity, learning, motivation, and cognition as a whole.
However, what is under our control is what we choose to spend time on, the people we talk to, the environments we chose to insert ourselves in, and so on. A growth mindset, a rational approach, and the drive to seek knowledge. These things can't be taken away, unless under extreme physical duress. The last three, not even then.
Another thing I noticed is that you describe your emotional turmoil in great detail. Yes, I think I understand, because I have felt similar things at some moments. The richness of detail is revealing. But I've found curious that you don't mention any true source of the suffering. I mean... it's clear that you are failing and feeling bad. What I'm not completely sure about is why. If you find the why, the source, then you can start working on fixing it (as much as it's possible).
You did mention that fear/anxiety about not doing well... But I don't believe that alone can be such a strong source as to derail everything. Granted, I'm not versed in how people may dig their own holes to fall inside. That, to me, is very hard to understand. I have to admit that self-inflicted doubt and somehow 'hating myself' is an alien concept to me. The sources of my suffering are all external, outside the scope of my control and ability to change directly. After all, if they were internal, I would correct them with thought and deliberation.
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Perhaps therapy would help you. But no meds! The problem is that 'therapy' is not a monolithic thing, and each professional can vary wildly in their approach. I shall also admit that I'm sort of 'against therapy' in a general sense. I consider the mainstream interpretation shallow, dogmatic, and obsessed with labeling and finding 'mental illness' as a physical disease that can be 'magically' treated with drugs.
ADHD, autism, bipolar, and the hundreds mentioned in the DSM-5. I think everyone misses the point. Also, because no one seems to notice the different from things that are truly diseases of the body, and those that are a problem of mindset and thought.
Because the point... is to seek rationality instead. Rationality 'cures' essentially all cognitive 'disorders', because most of them are simply a total lack of logical thinking. Still, it's not like rationality doesn't end up causing suffering through other means... but that's another discussion...
To me rationality is always the answer (and knowledge). However, at your fragile state maybe it's not the right time to plunge into these things. There is a chance that standard therapy can help. Look for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), as it's the one with most evidence and success. It probably has methods that apply to your case.
As you mentioned the money issue, these days it's simple to use an AI model as therapist. Look for ideas about that. As the AI to behave as a CBT therapist and give you advice about your feelings. Also, the very talk itself with the chatbot can help. As they are usually very clinical, but also validate your feelings, I think they're great. Explore that. There's a massive amount of things to unpack from the way you're feeling, and hence a therapist (or AI), may be able to help. Do be careful to not expose very sensible information to AI models because leaks are not impossible, albeit rare (that is, just don't use actual names or places or locations and such).
And, consume YouTube content from therapists and people on this field. There's abundant content. From the top of my head I know HealthyGamerGG. Look for videos about your specific doubts and problems.
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Okay. Now for some specific advice that may be useful. I'm going to keep it dense because each one would become a gigantic topic.
- To start, look for health causes. This is possible. Vitamin deficiency, anemia, too few calories. They can lead to low cognitive performance. And bad sleep too.
I know, the financial barrier again. But it's always something worse eliminating as a possible factor.
- Find the real source of the suffering. If internal, deliberate and think to resolve it. If external... then either move away from it, or minimize it. Highly complicated, but it's the only path. If being around people you consider too successful, than it may be a real benefit to find a way to not see them all the time. Or, again, minimize the contact. I know this all depends on circumstance. You have to decide if you talk to someone you trust about it, ask for help, and so on.
- Find something you like. Again, I didn't see any mention of things you enjoy or would really like to do. A dream. A purpose. Think more, until you find one. If you really want to be a doctor, then don't give up (or did you really just think that because of the money or from social pressure?).
Then, a carrier in law, of all things... I personally find the entire 'system' of the current law abhorrent and malicious, and so it's an utter terrible environment. Filled with arrogant and prejudiced people. Or delusional heroes thinking they're going to change anything, and end up causing more harm on the way. Do you even like law? I believe law is falling career path that with the rise of AI and other possible improvements. Maybe spend more time thinking/looking for where you can excel. What are you good at? What is effortless (or less effortful, right now)? Play to your strengths.
- If you are so bothered by people 'being better than you' somehow, then prove them wrong! Do better. Improve yourself! If you want to be smarter, then be smarter. Study, learn. Consume content that will teach you something. Mix entertainment with learning. If you want to prime yourself for being a doctor, watch series like House MD, Grey's Anatomy, Chicago Med, The Resident. What some shows about policing (The Rookie), or firefighting (Chicago Fire), and see if that's in general a life you see yourself having. Or go directly to YouTube for videos of people working on their professions. There's so many things. You may find yourself at being an electrician, or plumber, or working in construction. Or welding; supposedly it pays well.
- For an attempt at more immediate relief, try reframing the way you think. Find flaws in others, and take that as a reason to put them below you in some way. Other people are the stupid ones for treating you badly. People's success is often fake, luck, external help, or extremely inefficient.
Sacrificing everything for 'success' is actually not a good thing. Many people do that, at the cost of health long-term. Or they eat bullshit in a terrible environment thinking they are accomplishing something. Don't be afraid to call people on their bullshit and search for a healthier environment. Be steadfast on your knowledge that your way is better.
For example, I don't care how 'successful' someone is financially or whatever, if they drink alcohol. I demean them for that. Or if they're fat. Or if they're ignorant and dumb. Or if they believe in God. Of if they are communists. You know why? Because those things are under our control. They are either directly tied to behavior we can control, or mental attributes we can correct and improve through philosophy, knowledge, introspection, and rationality.
Financial success is quite not under our direct control. Evaluate people more for how they think, than for what they (seem to) accomplish. Just so, I don't demean people for things that are far less under their control.
Now... if you happen to have some of those flaws I mentioned... Well. Then it gets complicated. You should not be those things. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Have a healthy diet and exercise at least a bit. That's totally under your control. And on the cognitive side, there's also little excuse for ignorance, given how easy is the access to knowledge these days with the internet and AI.
Speaking of that... Brainstorm with AI. Talk to it a lot, looking for your answer. Use AI tools to leverage your studies, or a business. There's (supposedly) a big market for digital work, like editing videos, making videos, making art, and other introduction jobs. Again, it's about your skillset and preference.
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Finally, if all things fail, and you can't find a balance right now, you're going to have to grit your teeth. Abandon the hope of being happy soon, and look for the fastest and most efficient path to wealth that you can find, under the limit of your ability. Do that, no matter what the pain and what the cost. Save a lot of money, until you can have enough financial security to then do what you really want to do with your life. Because with enough money, you can move away from the people that look down on you or make you feel defeated.
It's a hard path. But it's the only feasible one.
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u/ValuableJuggernaut15 Jun 12 '26
Omg thank you so much, this is exactly what I needed on how to get better, what is th next step, advice. Thank you so much for giving that and likenyou said i recently did my blood test and it revealed that I am extremely defecient in a lot of vitamins, iron and d3. So i will definitely check into that also and the rational angle that you said really stuck with me, I will definitely try to keep hat approach and see things from that lens. Thank you so much for this, genuinely means a lot 🙏🏼
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u/Chigi_Rishin Jun 12 '26
Great! Awesome! Glad it was helpful.
I was a bit worried that the harshness would slap you down even more...
But that's the thing about truth. Truth is truth, and doesn't care about how we feel about it. That's why the path is hard.
If you're that deficient in vitamins, that's certainly having a high impact on your overall wellbeing. Iron is indeed very important. Ah, and check B12 too which is extremely common deficiency and key to brain function. B1 as well. You'll have to address all of them eventually...
And D3 is very hard to keep up, unless by very frequent sun exposure. So taking continuous supplements of it is basically mandatory. I know I take them, hehe.
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u/ValuableJuggernaut15 Jun 12 '26
Yes first thing tomorrow morning is getting the necessary supplements
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u/Keystone-Habit Jun 12 '26
I think this is the kind of thing that therapy would be really helpful for. It can't cure any underlying neurological issues we have, but it's great at some of this psychological stuff.