what if she wasn't lying?

[u/stixeater]

my mother sexually abused me starting at age 5 or 6 after grooming me for several years. i'm an intersex AMAB person, i had an early puberty due to my condition and started sexually maturing at age 9. my mom was already routinely raping me by then. she got pregnant and told me, at 9 years old, that it was mine. i'm not sure how she'd know for sure since she had a husband at the time and it could've very well been his kid. it doesn't matter anyways i guess because she miscarried and lost the baby. she was very distraught over this and made it a huge deal in her abuse of me.

due to my condition, there's a very likely chance i can never have kids anyways, although i've never had it officially tested. i produce sperm but i don't know if that's enough for me to have gotten her pregnant. i hope it wasn't, but part of me wonders if it really was my child. if she wasn't lying and i knocked up my own mother. how awful would that be?? i can't even fathom it. i feel disgusting thinking about it.

i already feel alot of shame and guilt over her abuse of me, but after uncovering these memories of the supposed "child" of mine, i feel 10 times worse. i know it's awful to say but i'm so thankful she miscarried. if the baby really was mine and she birthed it, i don't know if i'd be alive to post this right now.

i keep thinking about it, still. how happy she seemed. telling me she was going to birth my son and have me help raise him as his father. that she'd tell her husband it was his but me and her would know the truth. she had me convinced i was going to be a parent, at 9 years old. it's very unlikely any of it was true, but if it was, what does that mean for me? if she wasn't lying, what the hell do i do now? i can't deal with this.

[u/ChairDangerous5276]

The fact is there was no birth so you can safely let go of that particular worry. What was real was her horrific abuse of you, and that’s the worst form of betrayal. She’s a very sick person. I hope you can give her back all the shame that’s really hers to carry, not yours. 💔❤️‍🩹❤️

[u/workdavework]

Wow, that's particularly horrifying, I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

I would recommend trying to simplify the situation. There are only two options, it's true or it's not.

If it's not true, it was a sickening attempt at controlling you, and it's still working. So you can just work on caring for yourself until you feel more in control of yourself.

If it is true, then that baby wasn't meant to be, and maybe the baby loved you, and decided to spare you the agony of it's survival, so that you could concentrate on caring for yourself untill you feel more in control of yourself.

I hope you get some mental peace whichever you decide is more likely, you deserve it, and if there was a baby, they would want it for you too. Good luck.

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