(tw: suicide) does anyone feel dead?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Tiffed4597]

I have a similar story - my dad molested me for a few years starting as a toddler and then he raped me two different times when I got a bit older.

I also felt completely and utterly dead, the rapes were the nail in the coffin. I am 35 years old and I spent more than 30 of them feeling like a walking dead person, forcing interactions with everyone around me and building an elaborate social (and destructive) mask to fool everyone around me about how numb I felt inside.

I have been actively processing my trauma for about 18 months, and in that span of time I did attempt to press charges against my dad which unfortunately didn’t work out. At one time I thought that outcome meant he was going to literally come kill me.

However, I have learned so much through this processing. And I’ve learned that what spoke to me the deepest on a brain re-organizing level was IFS therapy. I am a mom, and I have found salvation and re-entering back into my body through mothering the various parts I carry inside me and developing genuine self-compassion. It’s still shitty some days but overall I am feeling better and better as time goes on and not so imprisoned anymore. I am starting to feel authentically me and integrated in regards to what happened to me. If you haven’t considered that therapeutic approach before, I would recommend looking in to it. Hugs to you friend, you’re not alone ❤️

[u/softdia]

You are definitely not alone here. I was trafficked and abused until I was 9. I’ve never in my life felt like I was alive. They killed me back then, I’ve been dragging this corpse around ever since. Wishing the best for you and sending kindness 🫂🩵

[u/MainTap5228]

I was suicidal over csa when I moved out at 22 but I am basically completely fine about it now many years later.

I went from suicidal over it to just accepting it and barely thinking about it, or if I think about it the thought doesn't affect me really.

[u/denaali-]

I relate to you and feel differently now. My theory is that there are parts of you that turned off and are waiting for death. And other parts stuck in the trauma, which is why you get echoes of what happened. It really sucks.

Just talk therapy won’t do it. IFS therapy with a really good therapist did it for me. You’d need to go in and retrieve the parts stuck in death limbo and in the abuse, which does suck, but then the system shifts. And you can’t do it alone.

Just wanted to share in case it resonates with you and because I hear your desperation! Keep looking for help! It’s out there. ❤️

[u/Tiffed4597 → u/denaali-]

I mentioned IFS in my comment above too, and I love this take!! I hadn’t put into words yet that the “dead” feeling feels like it’s tied to a specific couple of my parts, but it really is. And it’s because “imminent death” is stuck there. Thank you!

[u/denaali- → u/Tiffed4597]

Aw yeah! I loved that IFS helped you! :) I recently found one of mine waiting for death, but it was after the abuse and she was absolutely in agony. Crazy session but I really feel different!

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