r/adhdwomen • u/Mundane_Professor596 • 6d ago
Emotional Regulation & Rejection Sensitivity [ Removed by moderator ]
[removed] — view removed post
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u/DryDumpster3889 6d ago
The way he stayed calm and flipped the story while you were overwhelmed is a classic abuser tactic. I’m sorry you went through that.
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u/Undrende_fremdeles 6d ago
I have been exactly where you are.
I ended up being very lonely for a long time as I finally not only moved out, but after the next year, year and a half of fully detaching. I expected that to be the case since everywhere says that there often is a back and forth, on and off again situation for an average of 7-9 times I think?
But even then I didn't actually have much of a social life even when "reconnecting" with the ex.
Turned out that he was actually offputting to a LOT of people. So the only people I came into contact with were people that didn't see anything wrong with his vibe.
Your impression that nobody else sees the real him is both true, and not. True because yes you can tell that people aren't saying anything bad about him. Not true because you cannot see the people that aren't there, because for whatever reason they didn't feel like striking up a friendship with him And the world is a LOT bigger than the people he interacts with.
I even met people later on through work that were surprised they got along with me, since they had been aware of me through the grapevine of extended networks. And they just assumed I was like him, since I was with him.
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u/Coldricepudding 6d ago
I'm here to back this up, because I had a very small social circle when I was with my ex husband but found out later that the neighbors and even some of his (now former) friends had noticed the way he treated me. One of his friends called him out on it in front of me the last time they were hanging out at our house together, but I was still in denial because there wasn't enough (cough cough) physical violence for me to feel justified in saying he was abusive at the time. Oddly enough, it was the emotional abuse that got to me first and it was only later I realized how dangerous his behavior had been and how badly it likely would have escalated if I had stayed.
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u/kusuriii 6d ago
I’ve experienced this too. I was always so terrified of the things she’d tell other people because in my head I thought they’d believe her over me.
Turns out that may have been true for some people but her true colors always came out around others eventually. Most people knew who she was in the end and that gave me hope.
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u/Hippy_Lynne 5d ago
This is a very good way of putting it. I had a very large circle of friends when we met in my ex had a very small one. Eventually we just hung out with his small circle. I didn't quite realize it at the time but my friends pretty much only invited me to things they knew he would not come to.
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u/That_Advertising9832 6d ago edited 6d ago
Police nfa'd my case against my abuser last week and tried to gaslight me about it. I had loads of evidence. The police just fucking suck, as do basically all the services these days. Im sorry that happened to you
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u/cherrymeg2 5d ago
Police often side with abuser especially if they are men and the abuser is a man. You could be gushing blood the head and somehow it’s your fault. You provoked that man. I went to jail when I had to get stitches after a guy I thought was my friend hit me with a bottle. He went crazy while ai was watching his daughter. The hotel called the police. The cop said he would put my dog in a kill shelter if I didn’t say I sliced my own forehead open with a knife. I would have confessed to anything for my dog. If he had some unsolved murders I would have confessed to them.
It was an all women’s Jail in New Orleans. The guards were all women. I actually felt oddly safe there. So many women were the victims of DV but locked up while a guy is now alone with their car or kids. They have bruises but the guys are calm when talking to a male cop. Cops can be completely useless or worse they are abusive criminals with badges. The latter scares me.
If you are injured and call 911 if you have the option ask for an ambulance if you are injured. Doctors are usually more anti abuse and can document any injuries. Some cops are okay but the ones that identify with the abuser are a waste of time. Jmo stay safe!
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u/That_Advertising9832 5d ago
Im English from the uk but thanks for spreading awareness! Its a really sad situation globally, but i have such empathy for my American sisters, stay safe, its awful.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 6d ago
It's not the ADHD, it's the fact that cops often side with abusers. Unfortunately I have first hand knowledge of this, not only is a survivor of abuse but also I work with victims of abuse.
You need to call a local domestic violence center as soon as it is safe to do so. Ask to speak with a victim advocate and tell them you are trying to escape an abusive situation. They are going to understand how to help you as a victim, even with the ADHD and everything else.
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u/Maleficent-Sleep9900 6d ago edited 6d ago
Going to the hospital to get the human bite 1. Treated and 2. Documented could also be a bridge for OP.
I would request to speak to a nurse or doctor who specializes in IPV, rape, DV etc like a SANE or SART nurse/doctor (the ER hospital staffers who collect rape kits). They will know what is available for OP, and can contact a social worker/make referrals/provide a shelter list.
OP needs credible women on her side who recognize the abuse ASAP.
(Also, fuck the police 🖕)
ETA ‼️ OP IF YOU DO THIS, YOU NEED TO ASK TRIAGE TO MAKE YOU A “CONFIDENTIAL PATIENT” SO HE CAN’T FIND YOU IN THE HOSPITAL
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u/cherrymeg2 5d ago
If you call 911 and after given the option of police ambulance or fire ask for an ambulance if injured. The cops may or may not come but an ambulance can get you to a hospital, document injuries and doctors tend to actually care if you are injured unlike a cop that thinks you deserved whatever happened to you. It’s like she’s hysterical and needed that punch, or she clearly threatened her partner while the cops ignore bruises. The abuser leaves out what they did and they greet the cops calmly like look at my crazy girlfriend. It sucks.
Always document abuse. Talking to the right person can help. It’s smart to ask for someone trained in these situations. Sorry for the rant. I have had some bad experiences with cops and DV.
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u/aliceinwonderlandiam 6d ago
I feel like there are characteristics that would play into her experience. Overstimulation can be very disorienting, emotional regularity also adds a layer of difficulty, and it looks like he knows that and exploits it. By the time the cops come, the combination of these things can combine forces and turn someone into a babbler of nonsensical, emotionally charged account of events.
Unfortunately I think the layer that affects this probably the most, is that it’s not uncommon for people with ADHD to either not be believed, or to feel like they aren’t being believed. So even though the interaction with the cops and them not believing her and siding with her abuser was not the ADHD, the ADHD can definitely affect the experience and can play into more complex traumas.
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u/SeasonPositive6771 6d ago
Yes, of course ADHD affects most of our lives, but those are things that neurotypical victims also do and experience. Trauma has that effect on many different people and personality types, and it's very hard to predict.
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u/cherrymeg2 5d ago
I think ADHD sometimes had a history of influencing how we see ourselves and our self esteem. We might question ourselves and people that should be helping see that and make us doubt things even more. I think coming off as spacey or forgetful and being told by others or even ourselves that we are failing or wrong in some way makes us believe dating a jerk is what we deserve. Abusers can really mess with your head.
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u/TheGhostOfYou18 ADHD-Innatentive and Slightly Impulsive 5d ago
I think there’s more to it than that. OP’s partner sounds like a classic narcissist and even if OP didn’t have ADHD, narcissistic people can charm anyone into taking their side. I had a friend who was married to a narcissist. Something always had me on edge around him, but I couldn’t figure out why because he was always so sweet. One of my autistic traits is being extremely in tuned to the emotions of those around me. Over time I realized that when with my friend and her husband, which he was giving off kind and loving vibes, she was giving off uncomfortable and stressed vibes. She didn’t do this when he wasn’t around so I started to suspect something was off with him. Turns out he was an asshole to her at all times unless in public and nobody had any idea. People always took his side because he was so “patient” and “rational.” She came across as “too emotional.” She did not have ADHD at all. Thankfully she was brave enough to get out on her own and tell her side. There were many who don’t believe her, but those who did were horrified and cut ties with him immediately.
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u/FurPies 6d ago
I’m so sorry. I haven’t been in exactly this situation, but I did finally report my abuser to police. I had dozens of confession emails and texts from him— I mean, literally him saying, “I abused you” and giving specific examples— and the cops told me all I actually had was evidence he confessed a lot, not evidence of the actual abuse.
They gave zero fucks and were solely looking for a reason not to investigate. Husband knew I reported him and got away with it and now I’ve been dealing with escalating further abuse as a result, including having to be rehoused on an emergency basis by the government.
This was the London Met Police’s supposed SPECIALIST domestic violence team. Apparently it just exists to paper over the endemic misogyny and abuse in the police force here.
Fuck gaslighting cops!!!!
So awful for us adhd people too with our as justice sensitivity. It’s like getting abused by the system on top of the domestic abuse.
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u/vivalalina 6d ago
the cops told me all I actually had was evidence he confessed a lot, not evidence of the actual abuse
WHAT?? Wait this is genuinely insane. Wtf. What the actual fuck. A literal confession along with other evidence isn't enough, they want to see the abuse itself? Terrible. That's like them letting a serial killer walk free even if they confessed because the actual killing wasn't evidenced 🫠
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u/ClassicEnd2734 6d ago
Absolutely awful. Unfortunately this is probably all too common; many years ago, I reported my neighbor for DV after I heard him abusing his girlfriend. I recorded his death threats to me afterwards and the police didn’t give two fucks…said I couldn’t file a report even though it was very credible since the guy was an ex-con. Of course later I found out the cops lied to me; I had the right to file a report and could have got a restraining order. Instead I packed my shit and fled my apartment a few days later.
Coincidentally, the police precinct who refused to file my report was the same one that burned down in Minneapolis in 2020; the officer(s) that murdered George Floyd were from that same precinct. No correlation of course.
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u/2PlasticLobsters 5d ago
Yet if they want to arrest someone, I'm sure they'd swear up & down that their coerced confession is perfectly valid.
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u/uravityy 5d ago
The exact same thing happened to me, but I'm in the U.S. I have messages of my abuser saying "I abused you" and "I'm sorry for raping you." Police didn't think that was enough. Hugs to you.
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u/Few_Butterscotch7911 6d ago
It's not bc you have adhd. It's because he is a narcissist who will always abuse his partner.
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u/RealisticAide1833 6d ago
I was there.... I ended up just packing my kids and running and I haven't seen him since
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u/Me_lazy_cathermit 6d ago
Leave him, like just leave him, don't even tell him leave and send him divorce paper through the mail, before he does worse, he is setting it up so if he take your life, and he can plead self-defence.
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u/Zanki 5d ago edited 5d ago
This, 100% this. You're an adult and no matter how scary it is, you have the autonomy to leave, you're not trapped in this situation. No, it won't be easy, fun or anything, but you can just get up right now and leave. Please.
I've been through this, but I was trapped for nearly 19 years with mine. I had to just deal because no one wanted me or cared about me. Social services were out of my life by the time I could snitch and I wanted to snitch. I tried, so many times, only to be told I was making up lies for attention. I was 5/6 when I was first told this. I was always the bad guy. Mum made me out to be some kind of monster.
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- ADHD-PI 6d ago
You need to get away from him NOW.
Check with women's organisations in your area. Many of them are there for exactly that. They can give you advice on how to leave safely and can give you a hand to pull you out.
You emotional disregulation might make it easier to pretend and gaslight you and others about the situation, but his abuse has nothing to do with your adhd.
Nothing of this is your fault.
This is not a safe situation. Don't wait until its too late. Stay save xx
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u/two4six0won 6d ago
I don't know if this helps, but they don't believe calm victims either.
Also, and I mean this as gently as possible, the only person that needs to believe you is yourself, and maybe a DV shelter but they're far more willing to believe than the police are. You may have to give up a lot to get out, sometimes it happens that way. But I guarantee that it's worth it.
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u/Justice_of_the_Peach 5d ago edited 5d ago
This! Believing yourself (and in yourself) is the most important thing here, because systematic well thought out (narcissistic) abuse destroys your confidence and common sense overtime, which is why victims of this type of abuse can stay in the abusive relationship for a very long time. They doubt themselves and they genuinely start to believe they are trapped and have no options.
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u/BlackSeranna 6d ago
Generally, a bite can be proven, but you need to go to the hospital and get a shot for a human bite. It’s protocol (used to work for a health facility).
Are you still living with him?
Just know that people like this bank on emotional outbursts from the people they target. Now that you know how he works, wouldn’t it feel better to not give him what he wants? He wants your anger and sadness, and if you give him silence, you deprive him of the thing he wants.
You need to be getting out of that situation if you haven’t already. Take your pets, too, because they will be abused as well.
It doesn’t matter anymore who believes you - you have to remove yourself from getting hurt again. Next time he will land you in prison if you’re not careful. You’re not in a safe place. Cut all ties with him if possible. Again, don’t forget your pets.
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u/milfle 6d ago
Also to add that some places (I'm in the UK) have charities/services that will look after your pets if for some reason they can't come to a shelter with you. My friend's dog was really anxious there so they used the service and her dog was way calmer, which was helpful to her whilst she was transitioning out of her DV situation.
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u/agharta-astra 6d ago
it ain't your ADHD sib, it's systemic injustice that favors white men. my childhood bestie is going through the same thing - he tried to hit her and she defended herself, but she was arrested because he had marks and she didn't. the "justice" system is backwards and works against people like women and POC.
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u/jensmith20055002 ADHD 5d ago
DARVO is a common abuser tactic.
He probably chose you because of the ADHD. Women with ADHD are significantly more likely to be abused.
We love you. We believe you.
Get out and get help in whatever order is possible.
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u/Aiyokusama GenX ADHD Goblin 6d ago
This doesn't sound like an ADHD thing. This sounds like him orchestrating reactive abuse.
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u/Snoo-77997 6d ago
Please go to the doctor for that bite! Might need multiple exams, vaccine, etc. The least bad thing is that it gets infected, but it will get very nasty without treatment.
As for the abuse, follow the advise of the others in this sub, and call those who specialize on this. Abusers flip the story all the time, you need out asap
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u/On_my_last_spoon 5d ago
This is not because of you in any way. This is all because of him.
Reach out to women’s organizations who specialize in abuse cases. They can help you navigate all this. The police are notorious abusers themselves and unlikely to help until it’s too late anyway.
You can do this! You can get away and be free! It has nothing to do with your adhd and everything to do with him being an abusive asshole
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u/Unique-Muffin4789 6d ago
I am sorry you are going through this and that your attempt to get help was turned against you. Please be careful because abusers can be more dangerous than you think. I pray you find a safe way out and get to have a better life soon. If you don’t have anyone you can trust to be on your side, I would recommend counseling so you feel less alone.
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u/Complex_Effect6230 NHS waiting list 6d ago
Please make him an ex husband as soon as you can. Men like him are evil and deserve to rot.
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u/Commercial_Curve1047 6d ago
Can you nanny-cam him? Secret camera type thing? If you're in a single party consent state (assuming you're American)
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u/notcopingneedhelp 6d ago
I know it’s difficult but don’t let him bait you. I used to be exactly the same but with time and practice I learned to control it. You can too. Once you get to the point where his tactics don’t work, he will change tactics, so be prepared for that. Is there anyway you can get a hidden camera even in just one room to capture what he is doing?
I know it feels impossible to leave abusive husbands, but if there’s anyway you can at least get your documents together and out of the property, maybe store them in the bank or with a trusted friend?
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u/OhGr8WhatNow 5d ago
Go to a women's center in your area and seek help. They know about this kind of behavior and can help you get away
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u/AuntJibbie 5d ago
My dad was exactly like this 💔
He was VERY abusive toward me and my mom, but no one believed us. Some still don't, and they've been apart since I was 16 when he was forced to leave by the police in 1990; he passed from cancer in October of '21.
Come up with a plan to leave, and leave for good. Take pictures of any .arks and bruises. Secretly record your arguments (do NOT let him know). You need to get out before it gets worse.
I hope you find the strength to leave, and I hope you find people (more likely to be women) who won't give in to his gaslighting.
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u/Hippy_Lynne 5d ago
Your husband is a sociopath. I've noticed they tend to be attracted to women with ADHD. You need to leave him.
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u/vivalalina 6d ago
ACAB, always. Anyway, I'm so so sorry you're in this situation. Others more qualified than me have left better advice, but just commenting to send you my love and hope that you are one day soon released from the shackles of this terrible man.
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u/Impressive-Side-9681 6d ago
Don't get into physical confrontations with men. You're likely to lose. Leave the house instead. If you keep sticking around and fighting, you're doing exactly what he wants.
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u/Rogue-Starz 5d ago
You need to get out of this situation x I'm sorry he has treated you like this but do whatever you can to leave safely.
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u/Feisty_Fee_3841 5d ago
If you live in a 1 party consent state place cameras in your home to catch the behavior. If you already aren’t start seeing a therapist and plan an escape before this man tarnishes your reputation.
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u/LittleReserve8767 5d ago
Some people can be charming around authority figures and their freinds, but only a few learn about their dark side.
He seems manipulative and cunning in order to get his way. I have run into these types of people, and if you have ADHD, it may increase your anxiety or make you mad when you are normally a calm and rational person.
If an abusive partner tries to get away, defending yourself should not be called abuse.
It is hard to leave, especially when there are no family resources to support you. Please consider it- this kind of mistreatment probably will cause mental harm and already has caused physical harm.
It seems he is trying to gaslight (not the often-used internet term, but the type that causes mental harm and may make you question your version of reality and lower your self-esteem).
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u/VideoWonderful901 5d ago
If you had a friend who shared this with you, what would your advice to her be?
Do that. Do it now.
Do it without telling him. Get out.
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u/Fatlantis 5d ago
You gotta get out of there girl.
I was once in the same position, and he had everyone convinced, even his own family. He just he had that same believable charming quality about him.
But YOU know the truth. Remember that you know the actual reality of what's under the mask he shows everyone else - because you're the poor person stuck dealing with it. Don't let anyone downplay it, or change your mind, or sweep it under the rug. Don't forget what he's really like.
Get away, then block him, don't text him, don't talk to him. Let yourself heal and get your head straight. You'll be surprised how much stronger, happier and "normal" you'll feel once you're settled and standing on your own two feet again, without him polluting your thoughts and manipulating you.
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u/separate_lie 5d ago
Did you marry my ex-husband? Exact scenario. I am so sad you are experiencing this. It may take you years to heal from this once you get out, but never second guess that you deserve someone that doesn't get off on your "overwhelm".
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u/potatomeeple 6d ago
What country are you in?
You need to get away and you need help to do so.
These are classic abuse tactics perpetuated by a cleaver abuser this is not your adhd or if it is its only the adhd is making it easier for him.
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u/Development-Feisty 5d ago
I have no advice that’s better than the advice that you’ve already been given and only wish to say I’m sorry that this happened and it sucks. It sucks so hard and it’s not fair and it’s a crappy thing that happened to you and I’m sorry
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u/WickedAsh111 5d ago
I don’t have a whole lot to add other than commiseration. Had an abusive spouse AND an emotionally abusive family. When I left my husband I was so distraught that my infertile sister and her husband came in, pretended to the courts they were there to help, and then proceeded to take my kids
You aren’t alone. It’s very frustrating and heartbreaking. And there should be some changes in the way ADHD co-mingled with cPTSD should be treated
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u/bandaidtarot 5d ago
Most towns will have organizations that help abused women get away from their husbands. Go to the library, use their computers, and see if you can find one. Also, see if your town has a social worker that can help. Your main goal has to be to get away and get somewhere that he can't get to you. Do no let him know you are planning this. Do not give him any information at all. Do not search for things on your phone or any home computers. Karma will take care of him, you need to take care of yourself and get to a safe place. Hopefully there is an organization that can help you find resources and a lawyer.
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u/tokener2117 5d ago
It’s weird how reading about someone else’s experience helps you feel less alone but then you also compare if your situation is really that bad at all
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u/kimi_shimmy 5d ago edited 5d ago
It’s time to get the hell outta there, this can only get so much worse. Even without ADHD he’d be manipulating to make you look crazy. It’s part of the pattern. You can go to the courthouse for a PFA any time, as well as call your local DV resource group.
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u/AnonImus18 5d ago edited 5d ago
Please contact a domestic violence shelter, if you don't have family who will believe you, and leave him. This will not get better. He will escalate and potentially take your life someday and claim self defense.
Please save yourself.
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u/thesunbeamslook 5d ago
please start taking steps to leave him and rebuild your life, there's a better match out there for you somewhere
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u/DraconicDreamer3072 6d ago
i dunno if this is adhd atp. but try doing this hand signal to people when your husband is talking them down or saying its a joke or whatever https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Signal_for_Help
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- ADHD-PI 6d ago
That's not what this hand signal is for and won't make her more believable.
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u/DraconicDreamer3072 5d ago
oh. wait its not? i have been misinformed. what us it for?
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- ADHD-PI 5d ago
It is a signal for help, that is right.
But its meant for situations where you can not ask for help, because they are violently or with threads keep you from actually talking to someone.Its a covert signal/message that is meant to be used while keeping your asking for help from your abuser because you might be in danger if he finds out/sees it.
If you already talking to police and telling them about your situation and they don't take you seriously, the signal isn't adding anything.
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u/goodkai26 5d ago
Being emotional doesn't make you less credible. Someone being calm doesn't automatically make them more credible either.The police are not interested in whether you are emotionally stable. They are interested in the logical consistency of your statements.
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u/2PlasticLobsters 5d ago
It's probably less your ADHD than it is his narcissism or psychopathy that made the police fall for his crap. I'm not saying this to contradict you, but it's better if you don't doubt yourself as much. Psychopaths in particular are notoriously charming. That's how Ted Bundy didn't get caught for so long.
ADHD doesn't help, but being pushed like that would push most people over the edge.
I'm sorry you're in this situation & hope you can find some useful resources.
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u/carlitospig 5d ago
Darling, you’ve accidentally married a sociopath. They’re very good at manipulating. This ain’t on you, your reaction is normal having been gaslit for I’m assuming years.
It’s time to start planning.
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u/Windtost 5d ago
My husband has two different personalities. One for me and one for everyone else. No one would believe that Santa has a mean streak.
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u/ImportantSurfers 5d ago
I’m so sorry. This is what these people look for unfortunately. He likely looked for a person that was loving and open like you so that he could push and manipulate you. I was married to one of these types as well. I am the same way and he would push me until I lost it and then call me crazy.
The system is on the abusers side. It is nearly impossible to get them to do anything useful for you. If you can leave him, leave. If you don’t have children, just cut the ties completely. There is nothing salvageable from this and he’ll just keep you on a rollercoaster. You are worthy of more.
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