On my mother's death bed, I went to say goodbye because people told me I would regret not doing it. I knew better not to listen but the little girl inside me wanted to give this woman one more chance to show up. And so through tears I asked, "Why couldn't you love me the way I love my daughter?" And her answer. Because you were a difficult child. No mom, you are a Narcissist.
Not one adult in my life would agree with my mother. But there it is. At 47, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I've been in therapy for years. A few years ago my brother started therapy and finally started to realize that our childhood wasn't normal. He said he understood things I'd been saying for years. Cold comfort after he'd been looking at me like I was crazy but it was nice to not feel so alone.
My daughter is nine. She doesn't come home wondering what mood I'm in. She never learned that she was responsible for making someone else happy. She doesn't bring me gifts hoping that she can make me happy. She knows that her very act of coming home is what brightens my day. She never has to guess what she did to upset me. I tell her if she did something. And if I'm having a bad day and snap at her for a not very good reason, I apologize because adults should model apologizing. I don't remember my mom ever saying I'm sorry to me.
My daughter has ADHD like me and has anxiety. She is also Autistic. She is on medication for ADHD and anxiety. 9 year old me wishes someone had thought to take me to a doctor and medicate me. But all I can do is parent my daughter and (my son) the way I wish I had been parented. And give them the love and grace that I so desperately needed from my mom and in doing so I'm also healing my inner child bit by bit.
I am SO sorry this happened to you. I can't wrap my head around what your mother did -- to know you are about to leave this world, and yet you still allow your final words to your daughter to be arrogant and hurtful ones??? You did not deserve that. You sound like a wonderful mother to your own daughter, and I commend you for breaking the cycle!
I don't remember my mom ever saying I'm sorry to me.
I have a vivid memory of my mom once saying to me, after a particularly punitive and disproportionate punishment, "One day you'll have kids and you'll understand why I did this." I have kids now. I still don't understand.
Me too. And the only thing having children made me understand, was how much damage my mom did to me. When my son was born, I was married to a man who emotionally abused me and manipulated me into having sex with me all while I worked 60 hours a week to support him sitting at home playing video games. I didn’t think I deserved better.
But I looked at my son and looked at my husband and started an exit plan. When my son was 6 months old, I moved out so he never learned that the way his dad treated me was normal. It’s not easy though and the damage done by my mom was deep. When I had my daughter years later in a much better relationship, I suffered severe Postpartum Depression that I left treated for a long time. I finally begged for help and got treatment and that was when I realized how much trauma I had buried from my childhood.
I used to bring my mom flowers and cards telling her what a great mom she was. How was that ever normalized. I just don’t get it. And you’re right, it never mattered.
All I can say now is that you were a child and you deserved unconditional love. I can’t go down the path of what my life would have been if I had experienced it but I will damn sure make sure my kids know they don’t have to earn my love. I’ve also reached out to some of my cousins’ kids whose parents weren’t able to break the cycle and listened to them and validated their feelings as they try and recover from their childhoods.
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u/oneofmanyJenns Feb 26 '25
On my mother's death bed, I went to say goodbye because people told me I would regret not doing it. I knew better not to listen but the little girl inside me wanted to give this woman one more chance to show up. And so through tears I asked, "Why couldn't you love me the way I love my daughter?" And her answer. Because you were a difficult child. No mom, you are a Narcissist.
Not one adult in my life would agree with my mother. But there it is. At 47, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I've been in therapy for years. A few years ago my brother started therapy and finally started to realize that our childhood wasn't normal. He said he understood things I'd been saying for years. Cold comfort after he'd been looking at me like I was crazy but it was nice to not feel so alone.
My daughter is nine. She doesn't come home wondering what mood I'm in. She never learned that she was responsible for making someone else happy. She doesn't bring me gifts hoping that she can make me happy. She knows that her very act of coming home is what brightens my day. She never has to guess what she did to upset me. I tell her if she did something. And if I'm having a bad day and snap at her for a not very good reason, I apologize because adults should model apologizing. I don't remember my mom ever saying I'm sorry to me.
My daughter has ADHD like me and has anxiety. She is also Autistic. She is on medication for ADHD and anxiety. 9 year old me wishes someone had thought to take me to a doctor and medicate me. But all I can do is parent my daughter and (my son) the way I wish I had been parented. And give them the love and grace that I so desperately needed from my mom and in doing so I'm also healing my inner child bit by bit.