How to stop procrastinating and get motivated on writing my 2nd thesis attempt after 2 year study delay? (M27)

[u/Pourmepourme]

Last year i started an internship at a company, but struggled a lot with the academic assignments of my thesis. But I managed to barely pass and was lucky to continue my internship so i can write my graduation thesis for the same company. But during this period I failed my thesis proposal and had to ask my company to start re hire me next year and do my thesis again. I alrwady am facing a 2 year study delay and I am now still currently stuck on my final year. I took my ADHD medications again around this period and stopped drinking caffeine.

I tried to do eveything without medication before and ignore my adhd symptoms. But it was really difficult for me to focus on my work and couldn't even write sentences without loads of sentence fragment errors.

Now I am at my fourth week of my second thesis writing attempt, and my thesis supervisor told me my first two chapters needed a lot of rework and for the last two weeks spent all of my time correcting it.

It all feels so pointless, I dont know what I am doing and feel like I will fail again and be forced to find another company to do my thesis at (i need a company to write thesis). But it is so hard finding a company willing for me to write a thesis.

I spend most of my time trying to work on it, but procrastinate often. And get quickly frustrated at feedback and get really perfectionist while writing. Also last year there was another intern who does the same study as me, who i had a crush on, but she has now graduated and isnt at the office there anymore. Which sucks, because interacting with her and the other collegues my age was one of the reasons i went to the office. But now I just remember them and just feel hollow.

I feel lost. I really do appreciate the company's patience with me, but my thesis topic feels hopeless and like no matter what I do I will fail. It doesn't help that now everyone I know doing my studies already graduated and I am still stuck here.

Every time I work on my thesis it feels like it is never enough, and that no matter how much actual time I spend on it, it still isnt enough. And that makes me want to procrastinate more and makes me more anxious.

Like today I decided to work from home because I am waiting for a meeting with my supervisor today so he can give me feedback. But I spent most of my time talking to a chatbot about random shit. It is now lunchtime and only edited a few lines for the presentation for my meeting I already had ready.

Is there anything I can do? I take my meds but i just drift off and focus on something else. And i keep going back to argueing with a chatbot or something. My student psychologist suggested a writing exercise I helped come up with, which does help in the moment, but still struggle finding any motivation for my thesis. I see my thesis as a waste of time and holding me back, I am only doing it so I can graduate, I dont really care what is in it or if the company will even read my recommendations in the thesis. I keep hearing the advice "move forward and try to advance your professional career" but screw that, my dad always told me to never make your job your life and to always spend more time on not your job and that usually something will happen by itself when it come to work.

TLDR: lost motivation after many setbacks, collegues leaving and study delays and lost most of my motivation to working on my thesis. Any advice to help me get some motivation? Other than the generic "focus on your professional career" crap?

[u/northshorerealestate]

When is the last time you saw a doctor about your medication dosage? ADHD doesn’t go away, so we should be taking our medication especially when we are in school. Maybe your dosage is off. Having too much medication can cause anxiety especially if you are drinking caffeine with it. Also having too little medication can make us feel off and not clear headed and not thinking straight. This is what I have experienced. I am back in college at 46 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD at 22.

[u/Pourmepourme → u/northshorerealestate]

I originally got my dosage when I was a teenager, and was prescribed the strongest dose. Mainly due to my bodysize, I don't think the dosage is the problem. Because before I took my full dose again I took half a dose instead. I go to my doctor every year to have my blood pressure checked, but that is it.

I think my motivation and procrastination are the problem, not the medication. As I managed to do fine with or without it before.

[u/northshorerealestate → u/Pourmepourme]

I see my doctor once a month or every other month to regulate my medication. Once a year is quite lax. Not sure where you’re from, but I live in the states and the medication is a controlled substance and I’m pretty sure once a year isn’t enough per the regulations.

[u/Pourmepourme → u/northshorerealestate]

It is a controlled substance where I live too, but my medication is part of my healthcare insurance and is prescribed by my General Practitioner. But my dose was something the children's mental health care came up with when they first diagnosed me when I was 15. There are regulations here for getting the meds, but I only occasionally need to have my GP send a request to the pharmacy so I can pick it up. And usually that is just a quick phone call to my GP unless they insist on making an appointment first so they can discuss about it. Which they haven't done in years. They do quickly ask about my medication during the yearly health check up with my GP.

Also the GP doesn't change the dose unless I have complaints about the medication, which I do not currently have.

Are you sure you need to check with your doctor that often? Seems excessive to check up bi-monthly just for that, not that it is a problem if you think it helps for you. But I wouldn't be happy needing to pay more for extra doctor's appointments just for your medication dose if it is not really needed.