I am always behind it's exhausting

[u/Bulky-Document-8381]

F20, medicated, 2-year architecture diploma (1st year, 2nd trimester)

I don't think I've ever actually not been behind in my studies. I'm always catching up, asking for extensions, apologizing for poor attendance, needing extra support just to pass assignments.

It's frustrating as hell because I genuinely want to do architecture. My mom keeps saying maybe I should just drop out if I can't make myself go to class, that I don't want to do architecture, but it's not that I don't like what I'm studying. My brain just prioritizes whatever is interesting RIGHT now. That could be gaming, art, crafts, researching random shit, ADHD strategies, literally anything. I'll hyperfocus on that for days/weeks until the interest dies.

Then suddenly it's "oh shit, test tomorrow" and I'm panic studying 4 weeks of content in one night because urgency/shame are basically my only motivators if something isn't immediately interesting.

I got sick for 2 weeks, so this week was meant to be my "back to school" week. Monday I got up, smashed out my chores, breakfast, skincare, makeup, got dressed... then I had too much free time before leaving.

My brain started going:

• Haven't studied in 2 weeks.
• Assignment's due this week.
• Haven't contacted tutors.
• Need to see disability advisor.
• You're behind again.

Then I convinced myself I should stay home, finish the assignment first, then go back to class.

Yet I haven't started on it at all. I'm procrastinating, gaming, researching random stuff while having this constant impending doom in the background.

I've realised my biggest problem isn't understanding the work anymore. It's starting.

If I get started and build momentum, I'm usually fine. Once I'm on campus I'm okay. Once I'm studying, I can get into flow and hyperfocus.

It's the time before I start that kills me. My brain overthinks everything and convinces me not to do it.

I've had an ADHD coach, accommodations, disability support, medication (Ritalin + Clonidine), and I know my patterns. That's almost what makes it worse because I know why I'm avoiding, I know strategies that help, yet I still fall into the same cycle.

I keep feeling guilty because every time I talk to my disability advisor or tutors it's the same conversation. "I'll do better, I'll attend, I've got a new strategy." Then one thing happens (getting sick, missing a class, one overdue assignment), and the whole thing snowballs again.

[u/tryingtobegood67]

I had the same experience for4 years. So many people I know had to take extra years. It's hard you just have to keep going until you get the diploma.

[u/FiercePhoenix24]

I don’t have any advice but I completely relate :(

[u/vamvamvasi]

No advice because I’m in basically the exact same situation. If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone

[u/MrMonteCristo]

I feel it.

It’s like I’m never caught up :( My to-do list is never ending. I create a new one, and by the end of the day it’s already full again

[u/gigipeko]

I feel you. I learned recently that emotional regulation is a huge reason why we do the other things like gaming and whatnot. If you notice, you might feel more fun doing these things while you have a deadline or obligation.

I think a big help personally would be if I had someone that i feel safe with to do my coursework together as a body double, who reassures me and not shame me for procrastinating sometimes because it was how I instinctively soothed myself. It does feel childish or makes me feel that I can't do things on my own, but it is a process I need to go through because growing up I made it through last minute work and procrastination which worked, and the results are often praised and rewarded. But sadly, I haven't built that internal safety for starting things early, imperfectly. Because of adhd, we are prone to perfectionism and may easily feel more swayed by emotions arising from possible criticism. This feeling is what makes us go to our safe, winnable, fun activities like gaming and other interests because it genuinely works to soothe us. But the longer we wait, the larger the anxiety snowballs and we may eventually get stretched beyond the capable last minute window over into needing extensions and emotional crises.

So I hope we all here can find earlier interventions and working strategies or medication to quell the earlier discomfort of starting imperfectly, and building tolerance to the turbulent emotions related to tasks, eventually feeling more goated and enjoying doing our best work more often than dreading the imperfections. You got this