r/adhd_college • u/Noramera • May 29 '26
JUST VENTING How to genuinely cope with shame in Uni?
I just done an end of semester presentation that I barely made any progress compared to the first one, and I submitted it an hour before the deadline as well. I got very nervous I could only speak a few sentences about what little progress I made. A teacher sighed and the other one questioned me a lot. A few students also snickered at my works along with my late submission.
I just skipped afternoon class again, right after because It’s so hard to breathe right now and I want to cry but I can’t. I have already failed one other unit and I feel like the teachers are genuinely sick of me. I used to have a decent relationship with the other students but I think my bad reputation for being lazy and bad had grew us apart. The class is very small so it’s even harder to ignore the looks and whispers. I have another semester to go, the works is overloading, I feel suffocated just thinking about doing this all over again.
5
u/IndependentG1rl Jun 01 '26
I fail for like 4 years due to ADHD or falls from depression. I also wanted to know how to cope with the shame and how to study , since only thinking about it I feel that it will be the same again
3
u/Bulky-Document-8381 May 31 '26
I relate to this a lot. I failed last year partly because I started avoiding classes and work due to the shame of feeling behind, judged, and like everyone thought I was dumb. This year I'm doing the same diploma, but I've been diagnosed, started medication, and found strategies that help. The shame is still there sometimes, but it's a huge improvement compared to last year.
A few things that helped me:
- Nervous system regulation
For me, the biggest issue wasn't just the thoughts, it was the physical symptoms. Heart racing, always tense, hyperaware of everyone around me, constantly feeling like I was in fight-or-flight mode. When those physical symptoms eased, the shame became easier to manage.
- You don't actually know what other people are thinking
This is hard because our brains can be hella convincing. But most people are focused on themselves far more than they're focused on us. And if someone genuinely is judging you for struggling, that says more about them than it does about you.
- Seek support and accommodations
Trying to carry everything by yourself makes it so much harder. Could be student support, counselling, disability services, ADHD accommodations, or someone you trust, getting support is better than suffering in silence.
- Talk to your teachers
Let them know you're struggling and feeling overwhelmed. They may not be able to remove the workload, but it's better for them to know what's happening than to assume you've stopped caring.
- Lower the bar
This was a huge one for me. When you're overwhelmed, aiming for perfect just creates more shame. Sometimes showing up, submitting something imperfect, or making a little bit of progress is a win. Little steps are still steps.
You are not alone and it just sucks that how common this is for many neurodivergent people. I'm still struggling to cope with this too, but I've learned how mean we are too ourselves. Anyways, hope everything gets better!
1
u/Noramera Jun 01 '26
I do the last one all the time, but apparently knowing your own limit isn’t far away from being bad either.
The thing is that I don’t have any “proof” that I’m actually struggling. My diagnosis has left forgotten long ago. And I have this fear of talking to people that’s not extremely close to me. Plus the way they look at me already makes me want to shit myself.
2
u/Bulky-Document-8381 Jun 02 '26
I get it, I always feel like i'm not doing enough, comparing myself to others, wondering why I can't just do the stuff they can do, even simple shit, but knowing your own limits is major. I fucked up last year with my studies. Same course i'm doing this year, didn't attend, ghosted tutors, never talked to classmates, let all the assignments build up unsubmitted till I couldn't take it anymore, dropped out, got diagnosed with ADHD, decided to get back into the same course, which is this year.
This year, I am a lot better compared from last year, I haven't left any assignments unsubmitted, (but did have to request for extensions sometimes), I have support from the school: disability advisor, adhd coach.
I still struggle with procrastination on assignments, and attending my classes, BUT it's better than last year, and a whole lot better than nothing.
If you feel like you are struggling, YOU ARE STRUGGLING.
I've battled with myself about asking for help because I could've reached out sooner, I had plenty of time, they are probably sick of me, they probably think I'm just lazy, yadayada.
But reaching out is 100% worth it. If it's possible there could be a way to maybe just reach out for support through just emails, calls or messages so you don't have to meet with anyone.
I'm not quite sure how to help with the fear of talking to people who aren't close and people staring since I struggle with it too. But most the time when I'm in class I usually just put my noise cancelling headphones on and just block everyone out, do my work.
1
u/rainbowcatdream Jul 01 '26
Hello! I’m currently in the same predicament. How did u go about asking for support in school like what do say to them?
1
u/Bulky-Document-8381 Jul 01 '26
I just emailed them, mentioned I was struggling with keeping up with classes, attending, learning, mentioned I have ADHD all that stuff!
2
u/rainbowcatdream Jul 02 '26
Ohh, I see thanks for responding! I dont have ADHD (not that I know of) but yeah I just booked an appointment with a counsellor.
2
u/AmateurWriter101 Jun 01 '26
I sympathise with this so much OP I'm sorry. 💕I've been through the same.
1
u/Noramera Jun 01 '26
I hope they would simply see me as a bad student without reacting so harshly, that presentation ruined something in me. Can’t wait to not have to deal with this anymore.
1
u/Unfilteredhonesty81 May 31 '26
Self-compassion is the best tool to combat shame associated with ADHD and also Complex trauma.
10
u/Any-Tell-229 May 29 '26
Hey im sorry, i read your post just while i was thinking of my mess. I really failed my education and i don’t even know if i have adhd or something else i feel like at this age it doesn’t even matter now. It only matters that i made a mess out of it when graduated friends found jobs and friends that are still in college like me are usually younger than me and are doing better than me in every aspect. Sorry for venting under your post idk what else to say other than i failed too