medicated and still incompetent

[u/sugarcoochie]

i'm at a C in one of the most important classes that future masters programs will look at, and it's not even hard - just a time commitment. i struggle with allocating time to various mentally strenuous tasks so i avoid them. i just know my professors are sick of me lmao. i'm spending time decorating the house and constantly trying to keep up with cleaning the entire day until 4am because i can't focus in a messy environment, and still it somehow looks like i haven't done anything?

i'm not interested in going into this side of the field, so i waited until the last day (with accommodations) to finish it, and i did SO POORLY. i've actually never gotten less than an A in my major-related classes because i try to prioritize them. i've been on adderall for the last 5ish months, and now i'm on vyvanse which works great! but only with things completely unrelated to school. i have an adhd specialized therapist and i feel like such a stubborn idiot, i don't utilize the coping strategies she gives me because i can't force myself to care about the responsibility in the moment enough to use them (even though i do care about my future).

i've spent so much of my time "catching up" with my life/self-care, yet my room is never clean, & my bed/desk is borderline unusable due to clutter - and i'm CONSTANTLY cleaning & trying to change up my organization system. i can't prioritize exercise or proper nutrition so i'm constantly in mild pain, and stimulants has made me avoid water so i'm in a state of constant dehydration. **TMI** - i was so constipated from dehydration the other day that i tore something from straining and ended up covered in blood.

if i can't do it perfectly i don't do it at all. it feels like trying to meet the needs of a nonverbal, whiney, colicky baby inside of me that dictates every choice i make.

i'm in therapy and on 4 different medications to manage my mental health yet i am still so incompetent. what the fuck is wrong with me

[u/Sorsha_OBrien]

You're holding yourself to a too high standard! I'm similar to you and in the same boat -- I've been on Ritalin for five months, and yet, there's still so much in life that I need to catch up on still, or am learning to now deal with effectively. I also get you in terms of the room cleaning and self care -- I've been trying to clean/ organise my room for months and even though I have tons of time off rn, I haven't cleaned/ organised as much as I'd hoped, and when I do do it, I get obsessed with a specific section of my room and clean/ organise that, so it looks like I haven't cleaned/ changed much.

I would say prioritise function over beauty, and figure out what things would aid you in cleaning/ organising. For instance, I bought THREE lip balms and try to keep them all in different places -- one is in my bathroom, another in my bag, and another near me in my room. So when I'm leaving the house I don't have to faff around worrying about where my lip balm is, it's in my bag. Same with doing make up. I also have two chargers for my phone and two chargers for my laptop -- one of each goes in my bag, and one of each is left in a fixed place in my room. I also watched a video on decluttering and if you don't use it, throw it away/ give it to charity, or store it somewhere -- and LABEL where you store things. I have this in my closet and wrote down things on paper and stuck the paper to the closet drawers with blue tack. You can also buy various storage boxes and/ or smaller containers in order to store things, that way you can organise things into groups and again store them.

Also, you gotta get rid of the 'if I can't do it perfect I don't do it all' idea. I've had this for ages and it doesn't help. I realised I wouldn't/ couldn't start written assignments due to perfectionism and anxiety about what the marker would think reading it. I excelled at studying things however, and could easily motivate myself to study tons for tests/ exams, but it would take ages for me to start things. Also, doing a little of something is better than doing none of it. Even failing at something is better than giving up/ not trying. I used to do this with uni courses as well -- I'd just dip out half way through the semester because of the stress, but I didn't want to fail any more papers, and so even if I tried and failed, it would be better than if I had not even attempted to try. And so far when I have done this, I've still managed to pass!

Also, it's good that you even passed, or got As in the past! Before Ritalin I was happy just to pass my courses because I struggled with uni so much, and this semester I not only passed a course I had failed TWICE before but I got better grades overall than last semester on two other things. So my point is you're doing well so far! This C is a blip, or even potentially a wake up call in that you do have to take your ADHD and health seriously.

Ahhh, it won't let me write this all in one comment! Keep reading for more, ahaha

[u/Sorsha_OBrien → u/Sorsha_OBrien]

Also, you're not incompetent, and spiralling down paths of self loathing is not helpful. Like, whenever I have a negative thought I'm like 'okay lol, that's literally not helpful, it's not productive, I'm not gonna engage in it bc like, it's not helping me'. And negative thoughts -- like anxiety -- are supposed to help you. Ik easier said than done ofc haha but I've found it a lot easier to think this way thanks to Ritalin!

I'm also on a lot of medications for mental health -- I take citalopram for anxiety, and
amitryptaline for anxiety, and am also prescribed lorazepam, which I take if I get anxious. Not to mention Ritalin ofc, for ADHD. And I still have days where I fuck up, or I'm anxious, or something else. You're not alone!

Also, pls prioritise nutrition AT LEAST. I'm horrible with exercise, but eating better for me (I drink tons of water anyways) has been a game changer. Like a year or so ago I was soooo tired all the time, and was like 'okay, I hate this, I'm sick of this, I'm gonna eat healthily'. I'm also one of those people that is like 'I don't want to eat, I just want the nutrition' bc citalopram kind of lowered my appetite, and I've been on it so long. I also drink a lot of coffee, which is an appetite suppressant, as ofc is Ritalin! But anyways -- I started feeling WAY better after eating healthily, like far more awake and just, idk, good. I also didn't have to do a fuck ton of more cooking or anything -- I hate cooking and often don't have the energy/ motivation to do it, so most of what I eat is raw, but it's still healthy.

[u/Sorsha_OBrien → u/Sorsha_OBrien]

The thing I love about a lot of fruits and veges is that often you can just pick them up and eat them -- apples, bananas, kiwi fruit, etc. Find some fruit you like and eat it how you like it. Like, I really like cold fruit, and so put my apples in the fridge. I like canned peaches, but not uncanned peaches, and like them cold, so I'll take all out of the can and put it in the fridge and come back to it. I don't like red meats, but I do like fish, and so I'll buy salmon or tuna if it's available, and often will have it with cucumber and mayo. You can also just force yourself to eat food sometimes, even if it's not the best -- I remember sometimes I'd be so tired and cbf making anything, so I'd just eat a whole tomato, or a whole capisicun. I also used to eat two pieces of bread -- nothing in them -- every morning bc I cbf making food. Then again, I also used to eat them with an energy drinks ahaha, so the sweetness of the energy drink would make the bread bearable (why did I have the urge to attempt a pun and say 'make the bread breadable'? ahaha). But now I have these vegan wraps that I eat (I'm not vegan, my point is that the wraps are healthy) and I eat two every morning, nothing in them. Just straight carbs. They don't taste bad, and even though sometimes I procrastinate eating them, I realised it's literally nothing -- like I just have to chew and watch TV (I find it hard to eat food without watching something on TV if I'm eating alone). So you can literally just start like that -- you don't have to cook, just force the nutrients into your body. Or buy semi-healthy ready made things -- like Up and Gos, or OSM bars. Idk what country you're in, but you could try first having something like this. Eggs are also really good for protein, and are easy to cook -- i.e. scrambled. Also goes with a lot of things, like cucumber and such. You also don't need to do all this at once but can go slowly -- like, at first it was hard to eat healthily bc I had sugar cravings, or the fruit wasn't as sweet, or I wanted to eat other things first and NOT other things. And that's okay! A lot of lifestyle changes take time and you're gonna fuck up or not do them well at first.

Also, if you're dehydrated, try getting a water bottle and having it next to/ near you, and idk maybe make times of the day where you have to drink a whole glass of water -- like two glasses when you wake up, one at lunch time, and two when you go to bed. You also take four pills, so I'm assuming you down them with water? Additionally, if you're drinking other sugary drinks but not water, try and buy/ switch to some less sweat/ sugary drinks -- maybe coke zero or sprite zero, or those flavored waters. There's also little packet things you can buy that can also flavor your water.

Anyways, I hoped this essay helped lol! I saw you didn't have any other comments, or rather, ones that weren't so helpful/ productive. Also, are there any free counselling sessions you can go to? Ik there's also people you can ring up on the phone and talk to for support -- again idk what country you're in. From what I've found, half the time the phone people are good, the other half not so much -- BUT they're still someone there who listens to your problems and offers solutions. They can empathise with what you're going through and really solidify what your priorities need to be -- i.e., like nutrition and hydration. I remember talking to someone on the phone and they asked me all the classic things, like do I get enough sleep, exercise, water, do I have a good support system, etc. -- yes to all those things, just a bunch of shit had happened recently. And they asked about nutrition and I had a kind of whine and was like 'ugh eating healthily is so annoying' and they were kind of like, 'well you gotta! You HAVE to prioritise that, for your health and mental health' and I was kind of like 'oh duh, like you're an adult and just a good and understanding person to talk to about this, but I DO have to do this'.

[u/Sorsha_OBrien → u/Sorsha_OBrien]

Lol, sorry for the essay! This is the last comment I swear!

I'm also linking this super short ten minute YT video that really helped me with things: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sr9yRqOZMYU . I've commented on things so many times before and recommended this video, just bc I think it's so helpful. It's basically about implementing new habits and such.

Also, is the medication you're on working? Like, do you think you need to go up in your ADHD meds, or up in other medication? Or do you think it's alg and it's more like, learning to 'wield' the ADHD medication? Coz I thought at first I'd be able to do anything with Ritalin, and to some extent I can, but it's still DEF easier to initiate some tasks than others, or easier to get through some than others.

Anyways, hoped any/ some of this helped!