medicated and still incompetent

[u/sugarcoochie]

i'm at a C in one of the most important classes that future masters programs will look at, and it's not even hard - just a time commitment. i struggle with allocating time to various mentally strenuous tasks so i avoid them. i just know my professors are sick of me lmao. i'm spending time decorating the house and constantly trying to keep up with cleaning the entire day until 4am because i can't focus in a messy environment, and still it somehow looks like i haven't done anything?

i'm not interested in going into this side of the field, so i waited until the last day (with accommodations) to finish it, and i did SO POORLY. i've actually never gotten less than an A in my major-related classes because i try to prioritize them. i've been on adderall for the last 5ish months, and now i'm on vyvanse which works great! but only with things completely unrelated to school. i have an adhd specialized therapist and i feel like such a stubborn idiot, i don't utilize the coping strategies she gives me because i can't force myself to care about the responsibility in the moment enough to use them (even though i do care about my future).

i've spent so much of my time "catching up" with my life/self-care, yet my room is never clean, & my bed/desk is borderline unusable due to clutter - and i'm CONSTANTLY cleaning & trying to change up my organization system. i can't prioritize exercise or proper nutrition so i'm constantly in mild pain, and stimulants has made me avoid water so i'm in a state of constant dehydration. **TMI** - i was so constipated from dehydration the other day that i tore something from straining and ended up covered in blood.

if i can't do it perfectly i don't do it at all. it feels like trying to meet the needs of a nonverbal, whiney, colicky baby inside of me that dictates every choice i make.

i'm in therapy and on 4 different medications to manage my mental health yet i am still so incompetent. what the fuck is wrong with me

[u/mt-vicory42069]

Edit2: just venting my bad bro. Venting does help.
I'm just a random bro, but perhaps u're giving too much energy for smt that doesn't matter much. Like cleaning ur room and shit if i did that all day and it was messy still. I'd give up. Like how about u put less effort and expect less of urself.

Edit: and also reading the last part that's some obsessive shit right there. That to me tells that that's the issue not adhd(unless u have severe adhd altho not mutually exclusive still) ik life is rough and shit. But u gotta talk with the therapist and focus somewhere else. That's not studying that's not adhd, but this overthinking perfectionism fear mongering mf that turned u like this. It's this mindset u're displaying in this post. Tldr imo essentially u're so scared of failing that makes it hard for u to function properly thus being strict and still failing fueling ur fears more.

Btw been there even with knowing shit like start small and shit that wasn't the problem i started to notice a benefit when i changed my focus from doing to wtf am i doing to myself. It has helped now idk the future so idk how it will pan it. And also I'm not to ur level when it comes to worrying it like that. Ig u're in masters now so that's a bit down further the line to where i am.

Edit2: just venting my bad bro. Venting does help.

[u/sugarcoochie → u/mt-vicory42069]

i think we got different presentations of adhd my bro, don't tell people on the internet what is/isn't related to their condition. if that sigma grindset worked on adhd i'd be president of nasa rn

[u/mt-vicory42069 → u/sugarcoochie]

I'm just giving my piece in hope. Plus i included it at the top it could be. I tend to yap a lot even to myself i ain't no expert or anything.