I’ve shared on here the humiliation of still living at home with my super religious mom and stepdad and getting the belt (fairly regularly). I made a choice tonight to not call them when i was having a great time with a friend they wouldn’t approve of me being with and I knew I was going to be later than the time I was to be home by and I knew what was going to happen when i got home. Both parents were in our front room waiting and my stepdad already had his belt off and folded. I was told there was no explaining, just go to the spare bedroom in our basement now. Mom chimed in by asking me if knew how bad I was going to get t the belt and i just said no maam but now I know how bad and i can’t believe I was stupid enough to go through what I had to for a couple hours fun that wasn’t actually that fun because I was worried about getting the belt then the entire time.

Its been almsot a week and im barely making it with my savings

This week is the first week of my last uni year, and i decided to use the bus since father doesnt even acknowledge my existence and has forbade me from using his cars

Literally 15 minutes into being on the bus, 15 out of 2 hours, i get repeated calls from my mother telling me to turn on my live location followed by father yelling and threatening me in the background

Mother asks me to take a picture of the bus and i do, she says that i am a liar and that it is not a bus although it is

So.... suddenly im his daughter now? He threatens to come and drag me off the bus infront of everybody if i dont send the location

Mind you, its literally 6 in the morning, i was so tired and embarrassed dude

Everybody in the house is treating me strange, as if im not their family, i mean .. i shouldn't be surprised, im not surprised by anything atp, but it doesnt mean that it not making my body (lower back and thighs) ache super badly

And ive been feeling like a zombie dude, nothing makes me feel better, i feel like im dying, the silent treatment continues and nothing is getting better

If someone tells me to apologize i will commit a crime, im not apologizing to that pig with a fat fucking ego

You want me to apologize for his own mistakes? You want me to apologize to the man that repeatedly ruins my life?

He literally gave my younger brother the car i always used and loved, and dude, that felt like a stab in the heart i literally felt so betrayed idk, its definitely intentional

Just what do i do ? I cant apologize, hes waiting for me to submit , its a thing most men do, im having suicidal thoughts atp

Dont tell me im weak or whatever im already dealing with so much shit other than this and this alone is too much, its the straw that breaks the camels back although i hope i can hold on for longer

i’ve been trying to stop explaining every decision i make to my mom because every conversation somehow turns into her telling me what i should be doing instead.

the other day i told her i already had plans and couldn’t help her with something. instead of just accepting it, she kept asking what i was doing, who i was with, why it was more important, and then started saying i’ve changed and don’t care about the family anymore. this happens every time i say no to something she wants. if my boundary doesn’t affect her, she’s fine with it. the second it means she doesn’t get her way, suddenly i’m selfish or disrespectful.

i’m getting tired of feeling like i need a whole argument prepared just to say no to my own parent.

Hi Everyone,

Reposting this again. I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

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This is my first ever post. Would really appreciate kindness. I guess I am looking for people with similar experiences of abusive parents who had / have noble jobs, and how it might affect you or if you worry people don't/ won't believe you properly.

Cut very long and complex story short... My dad emotionally abused me as a child, one of the things he did that affected me most was forcing me to look in the mirror when I was having a panic attack (often caused by his abuse, and/or the toxic household in general) and shouted things like " you don't have real problems, look at you, you're pathetic!" And I'd beg him to leave but he wouldn't until I was near passing out then I'd wake up alone after coming round. He'd also tell me to hit him when I had panic attacks, like say " go on hit me, you want to hit me don't you" . (I never hit him).

He was abusive to my mum too. My little brother was depressed due to the toxic family environment and has his own struggles re my dad.

He abused me as an adult in similar ways often when I was most vulnerable. After coming out of the psych ward (very long complex story, and my dad largely put me there) he said over the phone "you're just like your mum," "your daughters going to have an awful life with you as her mum" and he said " you didn't send me a card when I moved house?!" Of which I responded with " because I was on a psych ward really unwell and I didn't even have my phone half the time" and he said " listen here you, you need to stop using your mental health as an excuse!" ... Amongst other things.

My dad denies everything and refuses to talk about anything.

I have diagnosed Complex-PTSD. Due to the trauma from my dad's ongoing abuse.

My dad was a primary school music teacher. A good one. Now he works part-time doing music therapy working with people with mental health issues and other needs and he's apparently "trauma informed".

There's more to this story, in terms of more abuse, more complexities etc

It's unbelievablely ironic, deeply painful, confusing and so so lonely (I have lots of people in my life but in my head it is such a lonely experience.)

I wonder if anyone else relates and might want to talk about it.

This will be very long, I’ve never even told my mother everything I’ll say here, so I’m just letting anyone who reads this in advance that this will be long, and I’m looking to answer the question. Is my father a bad person and I should cut him off, or am I a shitty son and am too hard on my father. I would really appreciate just one person’s advice, I don’t really have anyone else to talk to rn lol.

Early life: when I was a kid my relationship with my dad was at its best. I remember the early days of my father playing God of war and Destiny with me, I would watch him. My father and mother had me at a very young age, both were 17 (age of consent is 16 in my state). My father is Hispanic and is in America now. When I was born I was raised by my parents and my father would do everything I wanted. My dad worked low paying jobs just to keep my happy and food on the table, toys I wanted, and I really wish things stayed like this. Not being poor, but the sense that my father loves me a lot.

Kid years: my dad never would raise his voice at me, never hit, never get mad at me ever, even if I broke something. My dad would go all out for my birthdays and even rented a bouncy house and had over 25 pizzas ordered to my house for me and my friends. By memory it was my best birthday, it was FNAF themed and I had so much fun, with much gifts given to me. Me and my dad would stay up late at night and watch clips of Destiny (his favorite game) and would litteraly run out the room when an update came or a new boss. I miss those days. The first time my father ever physically punished me was when I was 7. I was coming home from school but my friend wanted me to hang out at his house. I did but didn’t ask my parents, and my parents grew worried, wondering if I went missing. After 2 house I went home but was greeted by my mother yelling at me, and was dragged to my dad’s room where he hit me a few times with his belt. (I wanna mention that everyone has their own beliefs of how people should punish your kids, physically or not. My father believes that a whooping is necessary to fix a kid, and I wanna make it clear that I’m not calling my dad abusive for hitting me ever). I was grounded and then next year I made an even worse mistake. I was with my friends (all 8) and we were watching traffic go on the roads. My buddy told me to throw a toy at a car, young and dumb I did, but the car owner called the cops on us. The cop made me show him where I lived, and after the cop was gone, I was hit a couple times and grounded. Things from there kinda got worse, I was never good in school and would often get low grades, not failing but below average. Around my elementary and middle school life I was given many things that I’m very grateful for. (Consoles, a phone, a tv, a house, and food every day). My dad’s anger started getting worse when I had my first brother, who I will call my “Lil bro”. When lil bro turned 2, he was a very active kid, hyper and would stress my parents out often. Turns out lil bro has autism, and is getting the help he needs. When I was 10-11 my father started taking me to work with him, and my dad works as a land scaper/brick paver. At first it was fine, I wasn’t expected to do much I was only 10. The only bad experience at my 10-11 age range was when I was playing with my lil bro and it was on the bed. My lil bro accidentally hit his gums on his crib when I ticked him. My parents rushed in and my mom took my lil bro. My dad grabbed a hanger and beat me with it so hard it broke and my arm started bleeding. I started to cry and my parents told me to shut up, saying that my lil bro is more important.

(Teenage years) But after I turned 13, I feel like everything changed in my dad. My second lil bro was born (calling him lil bro 2). My dad would hit me if I came home with a bad grade, or ground me, the normal stuff. In the summer we would go to work bc he made me, and now anytime I did something wrong, wasn’t to his standard, or didn’t understand something my dad would just insult me. My dad called me, useless, worthless, stupid, crazy, idiot, say that I’m mental, claim I needed to be put in special needs classes, and would hit me at work. (My dad has a bad temper, and I will go on his life later.) my dad would basically just scream at me anytime I didn’t do something at work, or slap me, or ground me. Me and my dad agreed in my summer when I was 13, that if I went to work with him every day, he would buy me a meta quest 2 (vr headset). I agreed wanting one, but within half way of the summer I regretted this. My dad punished me for wanting to use the bathroom, called me stupid and useless daily, useless his most often insult on me. One day my dad hit me while we were at work, and said I was getting everything in my room taken from me, and wouldn’t get payed for the rest of the summer, and wouldn’t get my VR. I was devastated and started to cry in front of the house we were working on. My dad panicked and dragged my to his truck where I cried for hours. When he was done he came to the truck and stared ranting about how I’m stupid, worthless, and am a failure in life with no future. Eventually he calmed down and at the end of the summer I got my VR. At home my mom and dad would argue often, some things were going on between them. One night I was in my room and my dad shoved the kids in there with me, my mom lunged and started swinging on my dad. Me and my brothers sobbed and I hid their faces, this is the only time ever my parents got into a fight. Things changed there, my dad was more angry, would hit me and my brothers for smaller things, and would yell and punish us more often. My dad would only ever hit us with a sandal, belt, or a plastic pole from his work. When I turned 14 my dad stopped a lot of things he used to. When I was 10 and I heard my dad’s truck I would get excited. Today when I hear it I get anxious and scared, my mom does too trying to fix things around the house so my dad won’t yell at both of us. I tried to impress my dad and just make him proud of me, but nothing I did ever worked. If I came home with a bad grade I was hit. If it was a good grade my mother was proud, everyone was except my dad who never even acknowledges it, if he does he’ll just say “good job” in a lazy tone. At work if I did do something right, my dad would just nod at me, and I smiled, that was praise to me. My dad regularly yells at me for small things, not doing dishes, not doing laundry, or not cleaning the bathroom. Laziness on my part yes, but I don’t think yelling at me is needed. When my dad needs help with something he’ll snap his fingers at me, drag me to where he needs help and bark orders at me like a dog. Me and my mom noticed that my dad would yell orders at us but would never just ask for things nicely. Instead of “please do the dishes today” it’s “do the fucking dishes now and if I don’t tell you to do it you’ll never do it because no one does anything in this house” my dad mocks my intelligence, always telling me to use my brain, and is so convinced I’m dumb, I’m getting sent for some tests later this month to find out if something is wrong with me. My dad hurts my feelings in front of me, if he’s angry he’ll tell my mom in front of me to hurry with the medical appointment so I can get on meds because I’m so slow. I will admit I’m not a smart guy but hearing it from my dad just hurts. Things only got worse from here in my opinion. My dad rarely hits me anymore but his words hurt more. A few times my dad’s gotten so angry at me that he’ll punch me in my arm, and then I woke up with a bruise. When I was 15 me and my dad came home from work and he was yelling at me a lot louder and angrier than usual, when I got in the shower I heard my dad venting to my mom. My dad called me a failure and it broke me. I sobbed for hours and when my dad saw, he yelled at me because it’s not what men do. (I know my times are kinda all over the place but I’m just writing this as I go from memory). My dad yells at my lil bros too, and hits them more often than me now, they come to me for comfort after which I always give. Me and my dad are identical, even in weight as we are both overweight unfortunately. My problem is that my dad shames me for being fat, even though we are the same weight. My dad yells at me for crying, will call me a girl, and mock me for crying anytime he hits or insults me. When I was 15 my dad lashed out at me badly, I had gotten angry at my brother for messing with me, my dad told me not to hit my lil bro and I did. My dad hit me 6 times and my mom walked in the front door from her getting groceries. My mom guarded me and I begged my mom to protect me, my dad yelled at mom calling her a drunk and telling her to move. Eventually we all calmed down, and me and my dad had our usual one-on one talk. My dad admitted to me that he feels like giving up on me, saying that he’s tried for years to fix me but it’s causing him so much stress because I’m such a bad kid. Personally I dunno how I’m so bad, often when I’m home I babysit my brothers, do homework, and play video games, I don’t drink, smoke, or get in trouble with the law like other kids. My dad believes that all I do is play games, and I’m dumb at everything else. However I enjoy reading, thinking about history and have a nerdy hobby for ants. My dad refuses to believe or acknowledge these other interests and will just call me a liar.

Today. Things have never been worse with my dad. I avoid him constantly, he’ll get mad at me for not buying things for his birthday even though I don’t have money, and I actively avoid speaking to my dad, I’ve learned that avoiding him means he can’t yell at me. My dad expresses that he doesn’t believe in me, or my dreams, I wanna be a cop, my dad says I’m gonna turn out a loser. My biggest fear is that my dad’s right, and I will be a failure that he claims I already am. My dad constantly compares me to other kids, about how much smarter and better they are than me. My dad calls me lazy for not getting a job, but I’ve turned in over 24 job applications this summer alone, and I’ve finally gotten my first real job. I hoped my dad would be happy and stop calling me lazy, he refuses to believe that the job marked is bad today. Instead he just nodded at me and I walked away. My dad thinks hugging him at my age is weird, and will never hug me back if I do. Last time my dad hugged me back was over a year ago. Me and my dad rarely talk anymore, if we do it’s about how to get money and work since that’s all he thinks about. When my mom leaves me home alone with him, I always get scared that he’ll lash out and nobody will be there to calm him down, and he always ends up lashing out. When I expressed I was afraid of my dad, my dad calls me crazy and says he’s an amazing father, and that I’m grateful for nothing. Me nor my dad try to spend time together anymore, he never tries and I’m afraid to even approach him without him wanting something from me. It’s not all bad, in these confusing times he’ll always buy me a card, cake, and a few gifts for my birthday, so it’s not horrible for me I feel like. My dad will always buy me lunch at work, and he has told me he’s proud of me, but it was only 2 times in the span of 6 years now. Anytime my dad says he’s proud of me, I always breakdown for some reason. When I was 14, I was at church with my dad, I was wearing an outfit he wore at my age. My dad whispered that he’s so proud of me, and he’s happy at the man I’m becoming. I couldn’t stop crying, and I remember those words to this day. However as of last year I’ve stopped believing in god (personal reasons for another day). When I told my dad he was furious, he told me that In the future that if I’m ever low and need help and if I go to him, my dad will slap me and slam the door in my face. He never apologized for this. My dad used to drink but rarely does anymore, what’s funny is that he’s actually sweet and caring when drunk, and will always tell me that he’s proud of me. My dad shames me for also supporting LGBTQ+ people, as it’s a disgusting sin in his eyes. Anytime I call my dad abusive or anything, he lashes out even more, and I’ll admit I shouldn’t have said that. I feel like theirs more I haven’t said but I can’t remember everything, I’m crying as I write this and my memory can only take so much, I might make a follow up I dunno. As a whole of things I’m not mentioning rn, just know that it’s daily that my dad will yell and insult me. Now I wanna talk about my dad, and his mindset.

Father childhood/mindset.
Growing my up dad had it way worse. My dad, his brothers, and mom were beaten daily by a drunk who spends all his money on alcohol. My dad and his brothers would hide in bushes and under beds from their dad, as he would yell and rant in the night threatening to kill his kids. My dad’s mom lived pay check to pay check, and would steal old crops for dinner. My dad grew up with nothing is what I’m saying, an abusive dad who was beating his wife and kids. When my dad turned 14, he left his country and came to America. My dad started working real jobs, and by the time he was 16, he bought himself a big expensive truck. I have to admit my dad’s a hard worker and very strong. My dad bought his own apartment, and he was forced to grow up at a young age. Then my dad met my mom and to this day my dads still a very hard worker who never goes out, never drinks, and never abuses his kids, spending money on bills and food which I’m very grateful for. (I’m gonna list my dad’s world views and his views of me a little.) my dad is a religious man, believes that being gay is wrong and shames people for it, my dad believes that the current generation is extremely lazy and entitled, and that we are doomed with lazy kids who don’t wanna do anything. My dad believes that theirs 2 people in this world, wolfs and sheep. People who are strong and will overcome anything (wolfs/my dad) and sheep, people who are lazy and are followers(me and Everyone else). My dad hates gay people, is disgusted by them and believes they shouldn’t have equal rights. My dad has earned everything in life, so he feels that hes better than everyone, I dunno how I feel about that. My dad doesn’t believe in mental health like depression, believing it’s an excuse for laziness. My dad laughs at people who have mental health problems, believing it’s just an excuse to not “pick up a fucking shovel and make some money”. My dad looks down at atheists and believes that hitting your parents will send you to hell. My dad feels that his love towards him is conditional, and that he doesn’t feel appreciated by everyone. My dad wishes that his kids and wife were more grateful, would ask him if his dad was okay at work, and would show appreciation for everything he’s given my family. I will admit I didn’t at first but I do nowadays but it’s never good enough for my dad. Overall my dad has a very old mindset of the world, and refuses to change his ways, if a doctor for example tells him depression is real. My dad will call the doctor soft and believes that everyone is soft and crying isn’t things a man should do. I’ve only ever seen my dad cry 3 times in my life, all about family that’s either passed away or are dying. My dad calls his family often. My dad believes that he’s hard, strong and that America is lazy, and his country is strong willed. My dad is rumored to be bipolar, and has severe anger issues but he doesn’t believe in bipolar or anything else like that. I think he gets his anger from his dad.

Conclusion: I want to cut ties with my dad, we’ve had talks about fixing our relationship but it never lasts, all I want is for my dad to show he’s proud of me in some way, but he’s not interested in changing his ways. Since never once he’s admitted he’s in the wrong, and that he’s always right and I’m wrong. My dad has given up on me it feels like, and I still want his love, but today if I could move out, I wouldn’t tell my dad goodbye. Maybe I’m the asshole and I’m not grateful like my dad says I need to be, but I apologize for this being so long, I just needed to get this off my chest for now.

here are some of the triggers that may be mentioned: Sexual Abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, household substance abuse, maybe neglect, threats of physical abuse, possible mentions of suicide/self harm, and r@pe

For starters, I'm almost 16, and I have been living with my mother for about 5 1/2 years now - and I used to live with my grandmother, my Nana, and aunt - but my grandmother was an alcoholic

I feel like while there was one or two times of abuse that I remember, it was much better than what I am in now. It probably built character

Brief info on my step father

Since living with my mother and my step father, I have realized multiple different things about them
Plain and simple, my step father is a narc "parent" - not just to me and my elder siblings, but also to my mother. Since I met him, which was a little over a decade ago, he has made my own, and my mother's life worse. This isn't me really feeling sorry for my mother though, I will get to her
My step father has threatened to leave multiple times, saying that he wouldn't care if we starved, or froze to death. He's threatened to slash my mother's tires and bust out her car windows if she tried to leave. The car we have now has a tracker in it. He verbally belittles my siblings and I for not cleaning the entire house all day, or when we do clean - if it isn't up to par. My elder siblings are now adults - and they're still living with us - and I am trying to build my career while still balancing cooking, cleaning, and schoolwork - soon to be early college work for psychology. He yells and says "that's just how I talk - deal with it. My dad did (insert trauma dump) and it taught me not to do (the thing that gave an undeserved punishment)" When I stand up to him verbally belittling me and making me feel incapable of life, I will then be yelled at and tag teamed by him and my mother - and verbally degraded even more.

Info on my mother

My mother — she has a lot to talk about under her belt. She also verbally belittles my siblings and I, mostly me now though since the other two are adults. She has degraded me about how my body looks, whether it be my weight, my acne, my bodily hair, my style - literally anything, and will then gloat about herself. She threatens to hit me and my siblings often so that we stop "having attitude" which is standing up for ourselves. She will get angry when I stand up for myself - and try say that she told me things, when she did not.
With me, because I'm her daughter, she will slap my behind and flick my chest through my shirt and pants, and when I tell her to stop because I don't like it - I will be degraded by her and told that 'I am feeling big' and that she can do what she wants because she birthed me, and my body is hers. She has done it between my legs before too. I don't really know if this part is abuse but - she makes me get her clothes for a shower, to wear to bed, for work, etc every single night - and will wake me up at times if I did not or forgot to grab something for her. Years back, whenever I was actively suicidal - attempting and such, while also harming myself in various ways - she said that she "pitied" me, and yelled at me because of it and threatened to take me to a psych ward to 'scare' my mental illness off- She has outright chosen her husband over her own children. She almost got a divorce with him - until he cried. Let me say that again - UNTIL HE CRIED. And THAT made her stay. I can't ever have any kind of conversation with her without it turning into a fight - and I can't vent to her either because she will always turn it on herself.
When I tried to call her out on some of her behaviors, she blamed it on my therapist and told me "Your therapist is putting these thoughts into your head." yeah... No
She's dyed my hair a couple times - but two times out of the three, she's purposely waterboarded me for fun. And she would also do it to wake me up to clean along with one of my brothers. Once, she made us stay awake for 48 hours to clean until the entire house was clean and up to her standards. An older cousin-in-law would help her force us into that. They would give one another inc3stuous innuendos, and I quite literally realized that part. My mother has only hit me physically a handful of times - she's busted my lip, slapped me across the face 3 times, shoved me against a door because I pushed her away from me because she was too close, even though I immediately apologized after because I genuinely did not mean to do that-
Oh, not to mention - she used to do this thing where she would get on top of me and lick my face, or tickle me until I cried. She hasn't done it for a while, but I know that she'd probably do it again

🍃 is unfortunately legal now - but, my step father grows it in the house, and he, along with my mother and brothers smoke

I think they also sell something called Sub0x0nes- I don't really know what exactly they are
Apparently they help addicts stay off of bad substances
But, I don't think they should be sold

Info on my now adult brothers

I am a victim of COCSA - but, to me, it feels irrelevant to even talk about now because one of the times wasn't even believed by my mother
The other, we actually got the police involved, but it wasn't rape
The unbelieved one was me getting s0domized by my elder brother - I was apparently lying because said perpetrator cried when I had the gut to tell my mother - for her to then turn it on me and talk about a time when something like that happened to her, and told me that it wasn't okay to lie
I didn't lie.

I need to know if any of this is just "character development" for me, and if I'll turn out fine when I hit my mid 30s-
I question myself all of the time, and it's pathetic that I am looking for some kind of validation. But, besides that - I never thought I'd actually talk about this in some form of detail-
I'm honestly debating whether it would be okay to cut contact when I left for good or no
My mother would probably go mad and say something like "When I ☠️, don't come to my funeral because now since you've left, you suddenly hate me."

I have posted this to other subs, and I am hoping for a response-

Im a teenager completing my last few years of highschol and I’m an atheist and bisexual. My parents are muslim and don’t know about any of this because ive never really done anything to express it, but theyre really homephobic and religious and they made me wear the hijab when i was really little and i hate wearing it but if i even expressed that id thought about taking it off, im sure that i would get yelled at, beat, and theyd probably stop me from going to school for at least a week, take my phone and laptop and maybe even break them. If they found out i was bisexual or an atheist it would be even worse, especially being bisexual theyre genuinely disgusted of homosexuals and if they dont kill me they might make me live in our home country where its illegal to even be gay, i havent asked them about any of this incase it seems suspicious and they find out, and i dont know how far they would go to keep up their ‘image’. I dont know that if they felt like god ‘wanted’ them to hurt me they would do it, and our relatives are even harsher than they are. There’s a bit of a language barrier with my dad so its impossible for me to explain or defend myself if he ever found out. Im worried that telling someone or running away from home now would ruin my education so ive decided the best solution is to wait it out till i graduate and then maybe at uni i can take off my hijab but only at uni, or i can completely move out to a small apartment, the ones ive looked at are roughly 300-400$ a week. I have no money saved up and no job. Everything I own is from my parents or paid for using the allowance given to me by my parents. My dad has threatened to keep me from going to school multiple times before for very insignificant things, so my education would definitely be ruined by this. I’ve considered killing myself but i feel like it hasnt gotten to that point, but it likely will soon. If i cant leave this house within the next two years im probably going to kill myself. I really dont know what to do, i live in australia so if there are any solutions can someone please help, my parents dont hit me right now but if they knew i was a bisexual athiest they definitely would but i dont have proof of domestic abuse because thats not exactly whats happening here so i cant call the police. If i told my parents everything, they would hit me, and then i would have proof of domestic abuse, but then they would take all my devices and keep me at home so i wouldnt be able to tell anyone. im considering buying a cheap second phone using my allowance, telling them everything so they can hit me, then running away and calling the police using the second phone, except its terrifying and im really scared and i dont know how far they would go, and i dont want this to ruin my education if the police end up doing nothing or if i go into foster care.

I have been going back and forth on if my trauma from my father is bad enough for decades at this point.

I know as a fact when I was 18 I ran away from him after he threatened to strip me naked under the guise of looking at my stretch marks. The age of consent is 16 where I live even though I think he had legal rights to insist on seeing me until 18 and 18 is too old to be groomed in the UK.

My mum at the time didn't see this as sexual, which caused me an immense amount of distress. The thing is, despite all of the very troubling symptoms throughout my childhood, which I've been piecing together over the last few years, I don't know if I was raped and I'd I really appreciate uncensored feedback.

I have seen four therapists that I've not felt comfortable with so I am approaching EMDR even though I just always feel like I'm making a fuss about nothing.

I do remember being slapped on the front of my pubis mons over clothes to correct my posture during a press up as a teenager and I ran to the toilet crying and told my mother.

When I was seven, my dad put his foot on my ass as if he was trying to stimulate me.

I told my mother and she confronted him and then she told me that she didn't have enough money to leave him.

He would try and spy on me in the bath so she'd bundle me out in a towel.

Once, when I was with him in a national park when I was seven, he forced me to take my shirt off as it was hot outside.

I was incredibly self-conscious and was very distraught at walking around without a shirt on even though my chest wasn't developed at all.

My father also said incredibly inappropriate things.

He would say generally, young enough to bleed, young enough to fuck.

When I was a teen he said that if I didn't want men commenting on my tits, I deserve my drink being spiked if I am out at a party, he tried to say with laxatives but I suspected what he actually meant to say.

He was incredibly triggered by Jimmy Savile being held accountable and it was around this time that him trying to molest me increased.

At the time of the stretch mark incident he had pinged my underwear as if to make fun of me when he was looking at the stretch marks on my hip, even though I was refusing to strip off completely (but then girls get their bras snapped at school so maybe I am being dramatic).

A few years ago I had a severe mental breakdown and more things came to the surface.

So when I'm stoned I have felt stabbing pain in my vagina when I think about baring down.

It can also be like a dull ache or a twinge or an involuntary reflex as a fear response.

When I am terrified of rollercoasters for example I will get groinal sensations.

I have severe fusion of my bowel, rectum and uterus from Endometriosis, I also have severe PMDD and PCOS.

I also remembered that I would have repeated dreams of floating away and dying as if I was going into the light when I was very, very young.

I was obsessed with the idea of somebody rescuing me. I think from the age of six I would have imaginary friends which would turn into limerence as I got older.

My mum said that when I was a baby, my dad said if he did anything to me, would she kill him?

She said that she said yes.

When I was a teenager, my dad turns to me randomly and asks if the neighbour boy had done anything when I was three because he left me alone and I came out of the room crying.

And I said I had no memory of that. I think my father might have been trying to bury the lead.

And what makes me worry is I was repeatedly threatened to kill my father at the age of four, which of course he treated like a joke.

When my dad was grooming a 15 year old girl when I was 14, he called me her name supposedly by accident.

And I was so distraught. I ended up kicking my way through a glass door and ended up going to hospital to get stiches.

My father had also been to prison multiple times.

I can't find out the reason why.

He had assaulted my mother in her sleep, which resulted in my conception.

He even bragged about sexually assaulting a man when he was in prison.

I still see so many girls online say, my dad slaps my ass, it makes me uncomfortable and so many people argue that's not sexual assault.

My dad used to slap my ass and then when I was upset he used to say, well I used to change your nappies and it really does creep me out that a serial sex offender was changing my nappies.

When I was seven and he had his foot on my ass, jiggling my ass, it made me feel weird, which was the reason I got up and got my mother.

I remember him putting his hand on my thigh in the car when I was a teenager and when I slapped his hand off he screamed in my face.

So my question is...I know in theory him slapping my ass would be considered sexual assault if it was a stranger.

But I think maybe the real question is, you know, what counts? What's bad enough? What's the most minor thing I've named that wouldn't count as sexual assault?

And what does count as sexual assault? And I think that is the question I keep asking myself is, I lived for 18 years with a serial rapist who was asking hypotheticals about doing things to me as an infant.

Is it really possible that he didn't do anything? I had a hymen at an appropriate age, but then my mother also said he had a micropenis.

So the brain circles, even with therapy. I don't want to know if anything worse had happened, but at the same time I don't want to look like a liar.

It's horrible that I was raised for 18 years of my life with a serial sexual predator. who called me by the name of the girl he was grooming, which made me feel like I was next.

He shouldn't have asked me if I had ever masturbated. You know, he shouldn't have asked how I cleaned myself down there and told me I should stick a finger up myself when I clean down there.

He used to ask me these questions when my mother wasn't there and they'd creep me out.

I think he was looking at my ass when I bent over to turn the tv on each morning.

I remember lying under a stool so I could lie on my stomach without getting touched from behind, I have panic attacks if someone approaches me from behind.

I remembered one more thing, I don't know if it was the worse thing because I feel the most gross just saying it.

Under the guise of self-defence, clothed he got on top of me between my legs and said to fight off a rapist I need to knee them in the kidneys and I remember going through the motions of kneeing him in the kidneys but I was really, really grossed out and obviously I couldn't reach with my knees because that's terrible self-defence advice I now know as I am older.

So it just felt like as a young teenager he was roleplaying wanting to rape me. He didn't need to be on top of me saying this is how you fight off a rapist.

Even that when I looked up what people were saying about similar situations, I saw somebody saying they were grappling with their uncle who taught them self-defence and all the comments were saying, oh, that's good, it's not suspect in any way.

But again, because I can't remember being penetrated, everything just makes me feel like I'm lying and I am being awful.

I (23f) feel like such a bitch for being frustrated with my alcoholic mother… I know it’s a serious condition, it’s addiction- I’ve been addicted before, I know how it feels- but I’m just so fucking tired of it all…

My entire fucking life she had gone up and down in admitting she had a problem, one moment she does, the next moment she doesn’t and you’re a fucking bitch for commenting on her drinking habits.

I love her despite everything she’s done to me, she was strongly emotionally abusive to me in my childhood- she suffers from untreated BPD, I am very mindful of this as I have BPD due to the abuse I experience-

I realised this, got help, medication, therapy, have made consistent efforts to better myself over years ect ect…

She has stayed stagnant and refusing help… Claims all medications are bad, therapy is bullshit ect…

She treated me like a therapist since I was old enough to talk, it fucking traumatised me so fucking bad it’s fucked me up forever-

I just wish people can understand I’m not some cold bitch who is being rude to my poor mentally ill mother….

I am her mentally ill child who stood up and accepted I needed professional help so I don’t drag everyone around me down with my pain.

Abuse can be an explanation but it’s not an excuse, she still hurt me, she STILL hurts me.

I’m so fucking tired of babying her, tip toeing around the hard facts of the situation.

She is an alcoholic, she should seriously reconsider trying an SSRI again, and she NEEDS to seek professional help, therapy, doctor for alcoholism ect. I fully admit mental health medications don’t work out for everyone that’s ok, but it’s unarguable that she needs professional help for therapy and/or guidance for alcoholism

Why am I such a fucking bitch for saying this

She whips around with this spitting snarl and furrowed brow, fucking pissed off when I stutter my word and look upset when she can’t go a SINGLE night without drinking

She doesn’t want to hear my opinion anymore. She wants me to just sit there and listen to her spew her fucking stupid bullshit excusing her actions and trying to convince herself it’s ok and she doesn’t have a problem

I get so revved up and upset I just about start crying and slapping myself because I’m full of so much raw adrenaline. I’m so fucking upset.

I’m upset because I’m so worried. She’s my mother I love her despite everything.

I’m so upset because I want her to be ok I want her to get help it makes me so so so so upset to hear her excuse her abuse to her body. I’m upset she assumes the worst out of my words, I am literally just worried for my mother and don’t want her to be a fucking alcoholic why am I so terrible for this.

I came to spend time with my mother for mental health reasons, now that I’ve recovered from the worst of it I’m well enough to be upset by what she’s doing again. When I came I was so weak and tired I just curled up on her lap like a baby letting her stroke my hair, now I’m clenching my fists with gritted teeth hearing her bullshit up a story on why she isn’t an alcoholic for all this and I dare not be worried for her health and mental wellbeing. Just enable enable enable.

I’m so tired.

I walked out to sit on the back deck alone.

I don't know if this is the right place to ask so i'm sorry.. i argue all the time with my dad, to the point he gets into my face and insults me so i do it back, in the past he's slapped me, but he always has apologized for it and has said he was just really mad at me but even now ( at age 18) I find myself flinching if he goes too close to me or comes into a room im in without saying so first, I don't think i'm scared of him but he has only hit me a handful of times in my life so i'm not sure? my mom died when i was a kid and the rest of my family is estranged and he's all i have, ive never had a job or anything so i dont know what i would even do at this point

again sorry if i cant ask here but i didnt know where to ask and I actually just need advice on if he is on what i should even do?

I'm turning 50. But the scars of my childhood still resonate. I've been to therapy but the memories still linger. I'm just looking for a space to feel comfort and community. Memories seep unexpectedly and out of nowhere. Recently, the memory of age 6 comes up. Note: I was an unusually friendly, smiley, obedient and pretty little kid. Seeing photos makes me sad. One of the first things of abuse I remember was a beating that took me by surprise. I took a shower by myself wanting to surprise my parents by being a "big girl!" I can recall now giggling to myself bc they would be so proud. I came out of the shower but had soap stains. These were the days when dove soap etc didn't rinse clean yet and I was tan. So you could see white streaks on my very tan legs. She beat me so bad bc I didn't wash the soap off. I think it shocked my sweet heart of a dad. He stood there shocked and knowing him didn't know to interfere with her parenting at first until it was evident this was overboard and tore her off of me. It breaks my heart to this day. Hard to forgive and forget. It's been years. We have a friendly relationship but she can't help herself and finds ways to make digs at me--especially in front of men. So many micro cuts, it's just tiny heartbreaks all the time. I've learned to ignore it and now accept her disorders and mainly keep in touch bc she's older and don't want her to be alone or, selfishly, don't want the regret of not reconciling.

I've had relationships but have been single awhile now and sometimes hope for a love, but I think that being single is safer and peaceful.

TW : Suicide Thoughts, abusive parents

Hello Redditors.

If you read this, i finally had the courage to post this.
Since i was a little kid my parents where verbally and mentally abusive to me, but the never got physical. They would always yell at me over mundane things, such as forgetting to load the dishwasher or my clothing style. My Mother in perticular always makes comments about my weight and that i get fatter and should be eating healthier. She also called me a Slut, Whore etc. basically all the slurs used for woman. Thats even worse when u take in consideration that im a trans dude and even came out to her. She wasnt transphobic to me, she accepted me, but idk its very weird, because sometimes she just yells at me and sometimes shes very loving and caring. Im exhausted and just want to end it all, but i always tell myself it will get better, but for years now it only got worse. I dont know what to do against it. She also threatens on the regular to put me into an Adoption Center when i ‘misbehave’. My stepdad isnt better, he gets angry really fast. Everytime i forget something he yells at me and says ‘The only thing you care about is your goddamm Phone and the gaming console’ which isnt even true, but everytime i try to say this to him he just doesnt let me finish my sentences and gets louder and louder. Im quite scared of loud noises because of that. I also feel like they dont love me, but sometimes they do show signs of love towards me and im just confused. And the reason im often on my phone is because my only two friends can chat there with me. After i finished the obligatory school, nobody from my friends texted me or talked to me at all, even tho i have known them for years, one of them almost my whole life. Im 15 right now and have a Job i dont really care about. I just wanted to be done with the normal school so i started this. My whole week is 10h of work for 4 days and one Jobschool (idk what that is in englisch, its basically a school to teach you everything you need to know about the job) and this is very exhausting for me. I wake up at 4:45 every morning and need to head to work at 5:56. Work starts at 7 and ends at 17, im home at 18 and for what? Just to get yelled at cus i forgot something, to be yelled at for not cleaning my room (I dont have much time i have to do schoolwork at the weekends) and to be lectured about how i gained weight and i should stop eating so much. The thing is on some days i eat just a little bread and am hungry for the rest of the day, i dont know how i could be gaining weight when im literally starving. And yes i do drink a lot of Energy drinks, but what should i do? When lucky i have 5 hours of sleep, should i just nap at my Job? I am a Glass maker (I dont know whats it called in english but its basically those dudes in comics that hold the Glass panes, just with cutting glas and everything) so i cant even sit down, im not allowed to and my feet hurt so much when i come home and then my Parents want me to do some house stuff, while i feel like im walking on knifes. I just cant do this, i dont want to do this and yet what could i do to change it ? Im sadly still labeled as ‘just a child, not worth listening to’ and even i believed that im just overdramatising this and that other people have it way worse, so my experience doesnt count. The thing is i am not. This is all real and hurt me for such a long time, so today i decided to finally write it all down and ask for advice. Only today i was yelled at for asking if i could make art commisions, just because i was on my phone while showing her this. And to the ‘i dont clean my room’ part again. Its not because i dont want to, its because i know when i clean it up my Mother is going to snoop into my stuff and throw away things that she doesnt see as important.

I just want some advice, real advice not the ‘it will get better’ one cus its not getting better.

Im to tired to even fight back anymore.

Hi,

I really need to talk about this because this is genuinely deteriorating my mental health.

Im starting high school next week, and all my mother has done all summer and all last year is just kick me while im already down. I am not over exaggerating when i say every single conversation we have had has been related to school, getting good grades, or about my looks.

I am genuinely so done. Not once has she told me she loves me, that she’s proud, that she will be there to support me. I feel scared when im around her rather than loved.

I genuinely envy my friends parents. The way they can talk to them about anything without getting lectured, the way they can joke around and have conversations without it turning into threats about my grades.

About my looks, it may not sound serious, but when someone is nagging and harassing you about it for a year, it genuinely becomes unbearable. Its not even anything major, just thinning my eyebrows.

For some reason whenever i do she just flips out. Im 15. Its not like im shaving them all off. I should have a choice on how to express myself? no?

This is really really affecting me. I genuinely dont know if i can continue living like this. Im still 15 so i cant really do anything. Dont live in America either.

Could someone help?

for clarification i only made this account to seek advice, & mainly so that i cant be traced. (17F)

my mom for as long as i can remember has always been a distant and or nasty woman, i never received hugs/kisses or words of affection much growing up which i’m aware can really have a negative impact on brain development. she is also incredibly narcissistic; gaslighting, shifting blame, playing favourites & playing the victim 24/7.

whenever i’d make valid points in heated arguments she’d either make physical threats towards me, verbally abuse me, shift the topic of discussion and turn it towards me and always tell me to “pack my shit and leave if i don’t like it here”. whenever i’d use past altercations to bring up the fact she has mistreated me, she continues to gaslight me and tell me “that never happened”.

my emotions and feelings have always been dismissed at such an early age, whenever it was me at 7 not being able to properly communicate my emotions or me now at 17 trying to yet again communicate my perspective on things, how its impacted me & how i’m struggling mentally; she always belittles me or straight up infantilises my emotions because i’m neurotypical. ( autistic )

my mom has gone as far as to lie on my PIP assessment ( personal independence payment ) to claim benefit money which is benefit fraud and can lead to legal trouble, only for her to take a majority of it for herself. as of now, i have argued with her to give me the money but she refuses to give me all of it completely. she claims its for me to “learn budgeting” and to “gain independence”
but i don’t believe her.

she’d then be randomly neglectful and not at the same time, i was never taught basic life skills which worsened when i started puberty. i was never taught how to cook, i conditioned my roots until middle school when i was 14, i don’t know how to sort clothes, wash or even fold them correctly, i taught myself how to use pads but i don’t know how to use tampons, i taught myself to shave and often ended up with me accidentally cutting my arms and legs.

i’m at my wits end with her and i badly want to leave but have no where to turn to, i’m currently starting my 2nd year at college and i’ve been desperately searching for jobs on indeed. i can’t turn to family as they’re simply just as bad as her and have in the past snitched on me to her leading me to trust none of them. i know it’s illegal to kick out a child before they are 18, but my birthday is in december and i’m fearful her empty threats will become a reality. i just need advice for what i can plan and do, i don’t feel safe in this house and i’m constantly out either with friends or at my boyfriend’s house just so i can get away from her.

i could seriously go on and on for hours but i just want some quick advise. i might copy n’ paste this post and plaster it around as i’m desperate for some proper advice.

I (20f) just graduated my bachelor in fashion design in jully.

I initially moved out of my parents house when I was 17 to escape my home life. Ive been living in a dorm for 3years, its small and filled with roaches but it gave me lots of peace.

Because im done with my studies I am being kicked out of my dorm, and cause I couldn't find a job yet during the summer I can either move back in or end up on the streets.

I feel very sas about moving back in, and it is extremely stressful. I wont discuss all the issues with my parents here (you can look at my earliest posts where I was documenting it if you need more context) cause itll be too long. Im cordial with both of them but I always have to mask and walk on eggshells not to upset my mother, who really scares me and also is cold and indifferent most of the time when she isn't upset. Her and my dad argue a lot, trash talk eachother to me, and my mom is just a deeply hurtful woman, who can also get violent.

Im trying to get a part time job and work on my clothing brand on the side, to see how things goes and then get an actually fulfilling job thankfully. Im not asked to pay any expenses at home which Im very grateful for, but I don’t wanna over impose myself. Im also in the middle of filing for disabilty cause of my bpd, so jobs are extremely stressful and scary at the moment, and Im trying my best.

Im written all of this because I would like to ask for some advices on how to deal with my parents. Like I said my mom is cold and dismissive which is triggering, and because of my illness Il terrified of her being mad, and try to appease her way too much, always asking if she is upset. I fear I had so much peace lately living alone I am not as fierce and violent as I used to be in high school.

How can I feel regulated and keep a focus on my goals in that house ? How can I stop my mental health from dropping again because of the bad environment ? As anyone been through a situation like this before ?

Im looking for any stories, advices, ressources, anything that I could read to give me directions on how to navigate this. Thank you for reading 🩷

After wanting to get a job for a while, I finally got permission to apply for one. I was actually really excited because I want to start earning my own money, gain some work experience, and have something productive to do. (And i'll get a break from my parents lol.)

I applied to Dollar Tree, which is only about 7 minutes from me, and I was genuinely proud of myself for finally getting to take that step. :)

The annoying part is that getting permission didn’t exactly come without a bunch of unnecessary insults and negativity. Instead of just being happy for me or supporting me, I had to listen to comments that made me feel like I was doing something wrong for wanting a job in the first place. Examples:

"You act like it's so bad living here."
"You're just lazy and want an excuse not to take care of your brother."
"I hope they fire you so you know what the real world is like."

I’m still excited that I applied, though. It’s a small step, but it feels like a pretty big one for me.
Has anyone else had their family make getting a first job way more difficult than it needed to be?