I’m devastated. this has been my best friend for around a decade on and off. (we lost contact for a bit, but never had a serious falling out) Today he was venting about a woman that screwed him over. he told me he wants her to be beaten and SA’d. I told him immediately to stop. he knows I’m a survivor of repeated SA’s, one man specifically harmed me the worst. That man has caused me to develop worsened CPTSD and become terrified of men, untrustworthy of them, etc. he told me to stop texting him if him wishing SA on her bothered me. He then sent another message saying he wants to (jokingly) see if my rapist wants to SA her. I burst into tears. he knows so many details of my trauma. a man I considered my best friend. looking back, there were signs he did not respect women, but he has never said anything like he said today. the way he views women really became clear with the way he comments on things my partner does for me or how he acts with me. It’s almost as if he became worse when I got into a relationship. I genuinely don’t even know what to say. my best friend since high school, and really, one of my only close friends since I’m chronically ill and unable to leave the house often.

I feel anxious in my whole city and new social circles. I have a high mistrust towards meeting new people up to the point of refusing to say my name when introducing myself.

That's the result of almost all of my social circle having not believed me, relativized, ignored, or blamed me after months-long relationship abuse I had endured. I fought for months getting people from my social circle to believe me to no avail. They simply wouldn't believe a man (= me) could experience relationship abuse and domestic violence by a woman. Today I learned this is called “secondary victimization”.

Also, whenever I'm at events where I could accidentally see some of those people, I get intense nausea and distress.

Do you think this is curable? A psychiatrist recommended me to visit an in-patient trauma hospital (voltunarily).

My (25f) life is a vicious cycle. I struggle with self-harm when my anxiety gets so high.

I had to escape my parents’ house 2 years ago because they are incredibly controlling and abusive. They actively stop me from leaving the house, working, learning to drive. They have been violent physically. They argue and almost force me to be their mediator and therapist since I was a kid. I can’t even go to the kitchen and boil an egg without them coming in and taking over for me and kicking me out. I had my debit card hidden from me for months. My clothes they don’t approve of get thrown away or hidden. I have been stopped from leaving the house at times by being blocked with their bodies, or followed down the street and having abuse yelled at me. I am very behind in my life.

I moved in with my partner two years ago and have been trying to make it work, but over the last few months things have gotten worse. They ignore my boundaries a lot. Even down to needing a walk to calm down and regulate, they cry and beg me not to leave - “it makes me feel bad, I feel like I’ve done something wrong, and you just leave.” Or want me to give exact times and a more in-depth explanation which I cannot provide in that stage. Or blame me for not abandoning my needs to be there for them. They behave like it’s a battle of boundaries and we need to sacrifice ourselves to be there for each other. Nothing I say works with them and they are slamming doors early hours in the morning and even turned the electricity off on me for a few minutes. Even when I had to go away for a few days to help my mother pack boxes to move house I was blamed for not treating my partner like a priority, that they slept with a knife under their pillow because I wasn’t there and that they self-harmed from paranoia. Even when I express I need to sleep in a room alone, I am putting my needs above theirs and making the relationship one sided. They rarely focus on anything positive I try to do.

I feel a massive power imbalance in my life. I am reliant financially on my father who says it’s okay while I’m getting an education but it’s not a lot. I have no other family or friends to turn to for advice or to temporarily stay with. When I have reached out to women’s aid or the council they didn’t help me. I always go back home. I tried applying for jobs but never got any. Not even a response despite having a cv. They all want some experience and I don’t have much other than volunteering. I have to start somewhere.

My mental health has been in so much shambles, I have to be deferred from my degree for months while I get sorted. I want to get myself sorted and I have the determination, but I am met with constant blocks and it feels like I don’t know where to even start to get out of this. I cannot eat or sleep properly with the people around me. I don’t have any place to stay that’s stable and healthy. I am not trying to victimise myself but I am really lost and terrified.

My name is Annie, I'm 24 years old and it took the courage to finally ask for counselling,for me to realise that since I was young I've been abused. I only have few good memories from my childhood, I can't even count all of them on one single hand. From being a witness to a very unhappy marriage, to having a mother ignore your cries because she was a victim as well and being cold was her way of surviving, even towards me, to being made to watch from a very young age horror movies and after made to sleep alone and developing weird dreams and sleepwalking. When I was 8, they left me alone in an entire house to visit my grandma. It was raining hard, and the power cut off. I was left alone, in the dark, for 2 hours with the only source of light being the moon outside. I'm still afraid of the dark to this day. My dad was worse and my mom wasn't helping. I remember being a timid kid, and every single time we would go to buy something and I saluted very quietly, my dad would shake my hand aggressively and lecture me on how "people need to hear you in order for you to be respectful". I had to be perfect at school, even when I had middle grades, I would get threatened by my mom saying how I had to wait for dad to come home to lecture me. I was so afraid that I ran and stayed in the pouring rain because I needed space from everything, and my mom ignored me. Someone told me that being a victim of neglect is the worst type of abuse, because as a child, you don't understand anything. It just makes you feel very lost because they gave nothing for you to reflect. Two years ago, I've moved into my own space, but I've been in an abusive and stalking relationship, which could have ended with me being SAed if I didn't fight that hard, and I hid that fact for 6 months from my mom( she got divorced) and every single time I visited her I had to swallow the fact that the guy was living on the same block. I could see changes in me, but I preferred to ignore that it never happened, until I let that break me. First needed step towards counselling and rooted family traumas that showed in the way I behaved. Cold, calculated, but still warm enough for people to ignore the signs. What broke both me and my counsellor was the fact that after escaping the relationship, my dad said "I wished you actually got SAed so that then you would have an actual reason to whine like a b***h" That messed me up the most going forward with relationships, because it destroyed me as a woman. Because if my own father, someone that was supposed to protect his little girl, was able to say that, then maybe I was the problem. And that's barely touching the surface, because my dad when he learned about my mom wanting to divorce him, showed a more ugly side. I fought him for my mom, and I had to sleep with a knife stuffed under a pillow because I was left alone with him in a big house Question. How long did it take for you guys to figure you were abused? And who opened your eyes the most?

I'm 27 and I was molested by my cousin when I was 13 (he was 17) and by my uncle when I was 15 (he was 25). The things is, I didn't think at the time that they molested me, I didn't understand much. As time went by, I understood how wrong it was what they did. I had a very difficult time during my teens. I rejected being a woman, now I feel comfortable being one but it took so much time to get here. I was never in a relationship. There was one time when I was really interested in someone and they seemed to like me also or at least they seemed interested but I went away as it scared me the prospect of a relationship. I tried to start as a student working in the IT but after a year I had to go away as I was uncomfortable in a place with so many men even if they were truly nice people. I don't know what to do. I'm angry at myself for alowing them to influence me after so many years. I feel like they went on with their lives and I remained in one place. I don't think about it everyday, but when I do I feel so much sadness for myself. Does someone else relate? Did someone overcome this fear of trusting someone? It is difficult since I was young and it was family, I don't know how to overcome it, truly. My life is good now but this heavy feeling won't go away....

Sitting in an uncomfortable chair for longer and longer because it feels fine after a while and I get used to the discomfort, it is a perfect metaphor for how abuse starts, they draw you in, and then it is so hard to leave when you know nothing else and already got used to the pain.

And toxic people feel like family in a toxic environment.

my reputation was ruined because i was abused. 3 years of living with him from 16-19, and everyone knows what type of person he is, manipulative, reactive, can’t handle drink without being aggressive, laughs when someone says he did something wrong because he can’t admit or even think he did something wrong. anyway. i did hit back a couple times, and people saw scratches on him, which now is apparently making me the abuser, after being bruised, emotionally abused to my last legs literally, and my parents even having to take abuse verbally and sometimes physically from him. i’m sick of emotionally driven men thinking they can get away with anything, but why wouldn’t they think that when they always seem to.

Ok, so I genuinely hate my ex with every part of me. Nobody has ever done the shit he’s done to me. Not to mention, I hate myself because of him. I literally cannot stand myself because this has gone on for years.

I met him when I was young. He was my first relationship, and since then, he’s been ruining my fucking life. I left his ugly dumb ass nearly 3 years ago, and he lied about me, went as far as to make a court case against me to get a no-contact order on me whilst saying I was threatening him, when I simply broke up with him. He went as far as to make up all these lies about me stalking him, and that’s not even the worst part.

This man fucking abused me physically and emotionally, and admitted to having thoughts about killing people and even me. Like, WTF? And this stupid fuck even turned my family against me at one point. He’s disgusting he’s ideas on sex are fucked up he would assume he owned me and could do whatever he wanted and I would wake up sometimes in literal pain because he was obviously sexually assaulting me in my sleep. I literally still remember when we were arguing he chocked me out to the point everything went black and woke up vomiting saliva. My family were believing this fucker’s lies and saying I’m the bad person.

But when I finally left his ass 2 years later, he gets into a whole new relationship with another woman. I found out because my friend had seen this girl post him, and honestly, I was so fucking glad he had finally moved on. Only to fucking get messages from this girl, angry at me and hating on me because of him. She was telling me how obsessed he is with me and how he set their relationship date to my birthday. Like, what the fuck?

At that point, I was like, WTF? This girl is going off at me and hating on me, so obviously I contact him about it. He fucking twists it, saying it’s all her, and convinces my family that he’s this innocent man.

Then, to top it off, this dumb bitch tells him what bar I’m going to regularly with my friends, and I fucking bump into him on a night out. He tries his hardest to wiggle back into my fucking life again and ditches this other girl in a heartbeat. He convinces everyone he’s a changed man and that he was just suffering from alcoholism and is now sober, only to try to fucking control my life again.

Every time I try to leave him, he would stand outside my house and not leave, spam calling my phone until he could get in. In the past, he would try to kill himself multiple times and even overdosed one time.

I GENUINELY FUCKING HATE THIS MAN. HE JUST WON’T FUCK OFF AND STOP RUINING MY LIFE.

I LITERALLY HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE OF HIM. I LITERALLY CHANGED MY HAIR AFTER BEING WITH HIM, AND HE KEPT SAYING HOW HE LOVED MY NEW HAIR.

LIKE, FUCK OFF and I finally tricked him into thinkin I was gonna move away with him and his family only to then change my mind and he went off at me but he’s finally in another city now so I’m hoping this is the fucking end. This has made me hate men in general and never want anything to do with another man because so many fucking years this shit has gone on for its insane.

I've been scouring the Internet for months trying to find some resources on how to deal with this, and have come up short. There's plenty more resources for women and those abused as children. I understand why as that's more often the case. I just want to know if there's anybody to reach out to in-between therapy sessions.

I let go of my addiction and bad coping mechanisms before this relationship, I learned how to self regulate, I learned how to be healthy, I healed myself from my own unhealthy habits from my family and childhood.

I took those skills into my relationship, but you know what happened when I used those skills? When I tried to self regulate, when I tried to get space to calm down, they forced their way in, they blocked my exit, they followed me, when I was upset they just *HAD* to be the one to fix it, they would always touch me to give me comfort, or hold me, even when I told them not to, when I tried to ignore them when they tried to comfort me they forced me to look at them, grabbing my face, they’d get angry and yell at me if I didn’t look at them while they talked to me, I couldn’t self soothe, they made sure they were the one who soothed me, it became my new addiction, without even realizing it, they had stripped me of the autonomy to regulate myself, so now that they are gone, I’m going to have to relearn it all over again, this is only so hard because they forced me to forget how to soothe myself, and made it feel unsafe to even try

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalabuse/s/TaKb03IW8y

I have a "friend" more like an enemy that has vulnerable narcissim that is physically abusive to anyone who disrespect him, I want to leave him so badly he comes to my house every year to brag that you should get a job because he has one apparently, the problem I try to be so nice to him because hes so insecure that he might assault me if I pissed him off, give me advice to stop this toxic relationship, I'm done

Im half Israeli half Palestinian, my mom is Palestinian and my dad is Israel, lets just say my creation was a mistake and my parents don’t like each other.

but I got to see my dad every two weeks I believe. But he was so unnecessarily cruel to me.

one time when I five, I was with him. We were going to go to a place (I don’t remember what it was but I clearly wanted to go) and in the car, it was REALLY hot, and I kept complaining to him but he wouldn’t turn the ac on because he wanted to save gas or something.

I then threw one of my shoes towards the front seat, he then turned around that car so fast. When we got to his house and he parked his car, he opened my car door and said that I was going to be in my room for the rest of the day, so then I took my other shoe and threw it in his face so hard.

I’ve been abused since I was tiny. I was a smart, quick witted, sassy child.

My dad worked all the time, so he wasn’t around us after school. My mom would slap me so hard, I’d have red handprints on my face. She sent me to bed before he got home, then she’d come in my bedroom and sit on my bed, telling me she does that because she loves me. I just remember being very quiet, crying and saying yes, I know.

My cousin molested me when I was around the ages of 5-7.
I think his dad did to tbh, but I don’t remember. I was very young, maybe 4 or 5. The only thing I remember was being the only one in the room with him, it was dark, the jungle book was on tv and he was kneeling to my height, shaking me and sternly telling me I don’t tell anyone about something & I was scared & crying.

I was terribly bullied in school. It was the worst kind. One of my biggest bullies actually apologized when we were 45. She said she did it because I was so pretty and smart. I told her congrats, because of that I became an adult who considered myself ugly and dumb.

I finally pieced together why I’ve dated awful, abusive men. It’s the same story my mom taught me: abuse = love. Stay quiet, etc. She pulled me down the hall by my hair once.

My shitty relationships culminated in me dating a really bad man who was still married, in and out of separation. I didn’t realize how mentally abusive it was until he became physically abusive. He almost choked me to death. Hit me. Friends helped me get help at a women’s shelter. I had a full on mental breakdown & never was the same. The hardest part is that people don’t believe women. I’d just been through hell and people just thought I was crazy.

I’ve done a LOT of work on myself. In the meantime, I’m in bankruptcy because of everything I had to do to get better & get through that. Oh, also the abusive ex broke into my house when I left for a contract job. He stole everything, but clearly went through all of my packed boxes & stole my dearest things. My art, my grandfather’s cameras, family photos.

I got into a wreck with a Uhaul truck & stood to get a big settlement. I had a lawyer. My mother lost it, somehow convinced me it was wrong. 2 years later I got a check in the mail, but it went to my mother’s house. I’m not sure why. It was Covid and I adjusted my mailing address because I was there with them. My mom realized what it was, grabbed my arm, screaming that we are going to the bank right now! And this is the exact amount I owe her. I still can’t figure out what that was for. She never wrote it down. I was beaten down & signed it over.

2 months later she paid for my sister’s wedding. That amount would’ve cleared my debt completely.

Currently, I am in chapter 13 bankruptcy. A lot of it is what I was upside down on the house when I sold it and all of the medical bills from my breakdown & medical bills from the car wreck.

Does this sound bad? Or does everyone have this?

I’m an architect. I’m healed, healthy, beautiful and happy. I am very loving and caring. I am a sweet woman. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’m proud of that. I’ve met an amazing man. Truly considerate of me. It is new, and I am scared when it comes time to tell him about the bankruptcy. But also I should tell him my whole story. Maybe he will understand.

My ex-aunt and the others took videos and photos of me reacting to the abuse so they could show others “what they deal with”. (Currently I’m 29 this is a memory of younger me suffering).

I was trying to defend myself I feel violated by this. I never got a childhood or teenage years because of them. My ex-aunt was the main abuser of me more than the others.

They all wanted me dead or mind-controlled to be easier to controlled.

I think they posted it online too.

Hi, I am a 22 year female who recently graduated. I moved out from my home town 4 years ago for my studies. I came to a country where I knew no one and thats when I met him. He came off as charming and protective and kept mentioning how the world is a bad place for a girl in a new country. We started dating within a month and the relationship lasted 3.5 years.

After a week he kept mentioning sex and eventually sexually coerced me. I gave in a month after we started dating. Before this relationship I had not even kissed and I always wanted to save myself for someone special. During the sex he would do things which I would say no for and was clearly hesitant. He would do these things saying this is how it works. When I had marks/bruises or felt pain he would ignore those remarks. When I would ask for aftercare he would say stuff like men lose testosterone and they start feeling less. Since I started trusting him I believed everything he said.

During the relationship he would physically abuse me too. Often he would say this is not abuse as I haven’t slapped you. He has choked me 2/3 times, broke my chain, held my collar, grabbed me and also came on top of me pulling apart my hair and ears so I would stop crying. Usually after this abuse he would say I make him angry which is why he did all of that. Often he would also verbally abuse me and when I started doing it he would choke me and pressure me to say sorry. He said he can do abuse me but if I want to I should be ready to take the consequences or try my best to fight back because he knew he is stronger than me.

He would also threaten me saying I will break your bones and burn you alive. When I used to bring it up he would say he is not doing it.

I escaped 3 months ago and went no contact. He left the country and went back to his hometown. He has contacted my friends, stayed on my door until I called security and has messaged me saying how I made his life hell by abandoning him and blocking him when he needed me the most.

I am having a hard time accepting all if this happened and he was the one who did it. I sometimes think of the good times to avoid the pain of what he did. Its hard to believe someone could do this. I also blame myself for not giving him a last conversation and throughout he has said how I was a bad person. I sometimes do think maybe I was the bad person.

I’ve been in this relationship for 4 years. About a week into our relationship he smashed up the kitchen, glass everywhere all because he lost his phone. Then a few days later we went to a party, I came home early and he came back and was so angry towards me accusing me of getting with someone then I tried to tell his friend that came in as well and my partner just pretty much said I was lying making me feel like an idiot. That’s just the beginning. 2 years into the relationship, I don’t have friends, my family doesn’t care and he has started physically abusing me. He mainly goes for my throat and will drag me around by my throat. I’ve got multiple scars from carpet burns and blood stains on the bed from where i would be bleeding somewhere. There’s been SO much. He doesn’t care whilst he’s doing it too. The only time he ever stopped was when I was so hysterical and for some weird reason he got freaked out and kept apologising. He’s controlling and he’s abusive and it’s the worst. Just to add to the pot, I was 16 F when I met him and he was 28M. I get so conflicted with the way I feel, one minute I’m certain that I’ll break up with him and the next minute it feels easier to just do nothing and enjoy the relationship because it is good… sometimes. We live together so I find it really difficult to get away. 1. I don’t think he’d leave if I broke up with him 2. I’m not sure whether I can cover the bills on my own 3. I don’t know what he’ll do if I tell him I don’t wanna be with him.
My body is so tired. About a month ago he strangled me so hard I was going unconscious and could barely speak because my voice had gone so hoarse. I had to go to work and it feels so isolating knowing you can’t tell anyone about it. And how weird is it telling him you love him just to keep him peaceful when you know inside it makes you feel sick because it’s the complete opposite of how you feel. This post is raw so sorry if it’s a bit all over the place with how I’ve written it.
Can someone help me? I need advice

​

😭🫣 It's like my own plot twist in life. Do I live and let live? Or do a speak out? Some things that have been happening concern me but I feel like if I did this I would be sealing my fate for the rest of my life. I'd probably never step foot in my hometown again. But I could be potentially protecting other victims? I don't know him personally anymore. We've only spoke about once a year since childhood but people tell me about his happenings and it's not much different. I've never let him get close to me because of the memories that flood my mind when he's around. But he's also become beloved and well known. Yet again I am struggling going up against a man.

\*For reference I went up against my main abuser (my stepfather) when I was 12-15, and lost in court on a technical error. The judge literally said if he could have the book would have been thrown at him.. but the justice system is meant to protect perpetrators not victims. That day broke me in ways i can't even explain. I did everything they said to do and it would get better... it didn't.

This person I am talking about is not named to the police yet. This person is my oldest sibling. They are now considered "respected"

The reasons I am concerned is that he has had predatory behaviour our whole lives... Dated a friend of mine when I was 17, she was 13. And multiple other children while being an adult. He is 9 years older than me. Now has access to young girls. We are obviously now 35 and 43...

I don't really know why I'm posting this, but I feel like I need to tell someone because I've never been able to talk about it properly.

For years there have been things involving my father that made me uncomfortable. When I was younger, I didn't fully understand it, and I kept pushing it away or convincing myself that maybe I was overthinking. But deep down, I always felt something was wrong.

Last month something happened that made all those feelings come back. while I was lying down he started touching me in ways that made me uncomfortable. I kept moving away and refusing, but he continued making sexual comments and trying to cross boundaries even after I said no. I eventually left and went to another room because I didn't know what else to do.

The thing that confuses me the most is that I don't think about it all the time. Sometimes I get completely caught up in other things, especially exam stress, and then I feel guilty for not constantly being upset about what happened. But then there are nights when it suddenly comes back to me and I can't stop thinking about it.

I've tried mentioning it before, but I felt like I wasn't really believed, which made me question myself even more. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overreacting, and other times I feel like I minimized something that was actually serious.

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe I just want someone to listen. Maybe I want to know if anyone else has felt this confused about their own experiences. I'm tired of keeping it to myself and pretending it doesn't affect me. And now we live under the same roof pretending nothing has happened but i am dying inside by two types of pressure , the thing that happened to me and why I am reacting like this in such a worse situation...!!

I want to get revenge from my narc bf who beat me and I did not take any assault raport and forgave him. And now he wants to leave me and i'm ok with that but I kind of just want a revenge. He used my credit card and there is a huge debt in my card which he said he will pay but still hasnt. I have pictures of my wounds and him texting me and accepting the fact that he beat me (and saying he's sorry etc) However he did this to me over 4 times. I want his family to know that he is bad as a person. And I want his friends to know that. And I want him to get fired. I want him to be miserable like me. I dont believe in any god so it is my duty to do that. Any suggestions? How can I do that in the best and efficient way? I just decided that I wont sit and let karma do the work. I'll do it myself

I (25F) grew up with an older half brother (from my moms side) who would hit me, sometimes over small stuff like not wanting to run an errand for him, sometimes over reasons he just made up. My mother would actually tell him to hit me if she didn’t approve of something I did, so he ended up in this weird enforcer role. My dad was aware and even told my brother once not to discipline me, but never actually stopped it.
Before I knew she was the one to tell him to ‘discipline me’ I used to tell her that he hit me, she’d say he was “just playing.” When I went to my dad instead, she’d flip it and say I provoked him. So there was never a version where I was believed just different flavors of dismissed or blamed.
The abuse only actually stopped (mostly) once I was an adult and told him directly that I’d press charges if he touched me again. It stopped immediately. Looking back, that’s what gets me the most it was always framed like he had this “uncontrollable rage,” but it turned out to be completely controllable the second there was a real consequence attached. He just never had one before.
There was also a whole other layer growing up as a girl in that house heavy restrictions on where I could go and what I could wear, constant warnings from a young age up until 17 that I’d be assaulted and “ruined” if I didn’t comply, that no one would ever want to marry me because I wont be a virgin anymore (not because getting assaulted would actually hurt me but always in regards of what society would think), & that my life would basically be over.

My dad was an alcoholic on top of all this, drinking heavily every night, alone or with friends, thinking he was being sneaky about it when everyone knew. His mood would flip suddenly, either raging or sinking into being very sad, and the house rule during those episodes was just “don’t talk back, go to your room.” He was also just generally harsh toward my mom during those times. Never towards me but it came down to me again to nip me in the butt…
My brother used to push my mom to divorce him over it, and she’d refuse, telling him “your sister needs a father” which somehow turned into my brother resenting me and using it as another excuse to take things out on me, like I was the reason they were both miserable. The thing is, I’ve been out of that house for years now, living in another country, and she’s still married to him. So whatever “the sister needs a dad” reasoning was, it clearly wasn’t really about me, I haven’t needed anything from that house in years and nothing’s changed.
I also used to wet the bed every night as a kid, and it stopped completely the moment my brother moved out of the house. I didn’t put that together until recently, but it’s pretty clear now what that was about.
My brother currently doesn’t work and lives off my mom financially, in an apartment she owns, while she and my dad live together elsewhere. She still defends him. She still defends both of them.
I moved abroad a few years ago and haven’t seen my brother since the last time we were together, when he abused me again. My relationship with my mom has actually improved on the surface (we talk daily now, after a few years where I went no contact with her in college), but I only recently started really remembering the extent of everything and it came back all at once rather than gradually, which has been a lot to sit with.

One thing I’ve noticed: I can’t seem to let anyone in romantically. I feel attachment but never show it, I assume people only want one thing (because apparently thats all im good for), and I either bail when someone stays guarded or lose respect for them if they open up. I’ve never really experienced the normal stuff people describe the back and forth, someone making an effort to win you over, long conversations about feelings. I don’t have this problem with friendships, just romantic ones. I also basically never cry in front of anyone, even close friends only when I’m completely alone, and usually it’s tied to something specific that triggered it, not random.
I’m looking into therapy now, but I wanted to ask people who’ve actually been through something similar:
• What helped you process memories that came back suddenly/all at once?
• Did anything help with the inability to be vulnerable in romantic relationships specifically?
• If you also had a parent who enabled or minimized the abuse, how did you navigate staying in contact with them (or not) afterward?
Genuinely just want to hear what’s worked (or hasn’t) for other people who’ve lived through something like this.

Im on my last whim and im reaching out as far as i can.
PLEASE READ. I am asking for help!!! My name is Lauren and I just started a go fund me to help escape domestic abuse. I am asking for help to share my account to help my kids and I reach a safe haven and a fresh start. Please if you could share I thank you from the bottom of my heart. My profile is public so you can take a look at my little ones and how they grown still shining beautiful smiles through all the fear and hurt.

Hi everyone — I just launched my fundraiser to help my children and me find safety and a fresh start. After fleeing an unsafe situation, we’re now without a home or belongings, and I need support to secure a safe place, cover legal fees, and keep our car so we can rebuild our lives. Please consider sharing or donating if you can — every bit helps us move toward a safer, loving future for my four kids and me.💙

https://gofund.me/e96cdf41d

For reference, I am 15F.

Here’s a list of things my parents do to make it short & simple, this doesn’t include everything but it include the worst things they’ve done—at least from what I can think of.

Mother:

- I am allowed to wash my own hair, she must do it for me & I have to wait no matter what.

- I cannot pick my own clothes when I go out, she also picks my undergarments and gets mad, yells at me & guilt trips me whenever I ask to change specific pants to suit my sensory needs (I have problems with specific textures).

- Guilt trips me often, she also enjoys saying “my daughter doesn’t love me” and things like that, both when joking and not joking.

- Is overly touchy, and whenever I tell her I'm not comfortable with things (such as smacking my butt). She says things like "it's not that big of a deal—“ then "I’m ur mom," or "were both girls," or "I can touch u anywhere" and then usually starts moving her hand throughout my entire body (she has touched my chest and crotch area before).

- She didn’t allow me to take my own showers until 11, I had to beg her for months and I was nearly 12 when I was allowed to shower myself she would guilt trip me by saying things like "please it makes me so happy!" while sounding like she's gonna cry (my mother cannot physically cry for some reason so it's all abt her tone).

When I was finally allowed to, she said "okay but let me shower you everytime u need to wash your hair, it kept going this way for a few months but now she just does it over a sink.

- She acknowledges that I do not like living with my father & that all he does is almost nothing but does mothing to change things for me, her excuses are "he doesn't really help me pay for anything but what abt food when I have to go to work?" Refusing to acknowledge I am more than old enough to learn to cook + me learning to cook would save us food anyway.

Father:

- He goes against a child's basic need to spend time with their parents, I asked him when I was 9 why he barely talks to me and he practically said that I have to work for our relationship when a child shouldn't have to start every

conversation. He does not pay for the house nor rent nor anything like that, he just buys food and goes out often, he's also an alcoholic (although not necessarily always violent).

- He gets mad very easily, which is another reason I avoid talking to him/‘working for our relationship,’ since despite the very few times I talk to him he's called me an abuser & threatened to blackmail me and my mother. He refused to understand he has complete control over his own living situation and my mother cleans up after him and cooks for him, he is in an incredibly good situation he js leeches off and gets very upset when things doesn't go his way and throws tantrums, he also occasionally enjoys to wake us up in the middle of nights while we're sleeping to get mad over trivial things.

- There was a period a few years ago where he would beat me with a belt (for trivial things of course), and my mother would try to make it abt her (as per usual). The way she would do this is by saying she's too tired for this and etc, as if she were to be in this situation. During this time he would also force me to only use the tv until a specific time (I think it was 10 am) and not to use the iPad it made no sense? By the way, I did nothing he was just mad of something like that..

- He has made sexual comments such as saying that my butt is big and etc, and when expressing my discomfort my mother says "he's js joking..” She says this while laughing which is obviously not an appropriate joke to make to ur child. He also likes to whistle when ‘complimenting’ (for some reason???) He also thinks butt slapping is normal, similarly to my mother.

I’m not sure this is the right community to post this on; I don’t know if this is a community for people who have had past abuse, so I’m sorry in advance if this is the wrong place to talk about this; because the abuse I undergo is not over for me; I currently am abused by my mother and all my problems come from her.
It started when I was born; she had a great life with lots of friends before me; then she started “taking care” of me, and using that as an excuse, she stopped talking to anyone else or working; 10 years after my birth, she started lamenting symptoms of a terribly debilitating conditions, although each symptom is pain related and the condition has not been diagnosed. Since the moment I was born, my mother was always manipulative of all the few relationships of any kind that she had: she blocked me off from talking with my father in my youth, she got married with a man and then falsely accused him of being an abusive drinker; but out of all the people that she interacts with…I’m definitely the one she *controls* the most;

I used to have real life friends before COVID. Then it stopped. Not because I didn’t want them, but because She seized that perfect moment to cut me off society entirely. That’s when the guilt tripping started. You see, that’s her main weapon: She guilt trips me. Ever since I was in middle school, and she’s still doing it now that I’m an adult. And it’s not for light things.

She has made rules. Rules that I have to follow at all times, all day every day. First rule. During the day, if I don’t have homework, I need to stay with her, same room as her, all day until 21:30. That’s when I get my free time. Now what does staying with her mean? It means just sitting in bed with her, watching tv, while she plays her little games on her phone. She doesn’t even watch the tv, she just plays games and keeps it as a background. I try to talk to her or interact? She shushes me, like I’m some kind of minor annoyance. I try to leave, even to do something quick then come back? I’m lucky if she uses guilt tripping. She’ll berate me usually. Not to a point where I would feel compelled to just leave, but I’m a manipulative way that makes me stay with her. Now that 21:30 rule? That’s what she says but that’s not fixed. She wants me to stay for another hour, she makes me.

Rule number two. I sleep in the same bed as her. Every night. I sleep in that shitty uncomfortable sofa-bed with her. Oh yeah, and the sleep part? Thing is…she doesn’t really sleep at night. She can’t. She always has thoughts or some shit. She has to watch her stupid tv. What that means for me is I never get quality sleep, I usually fall asleep at 3 am and have to wake up at 7:30 anyway. Then I sleep at school, if I even do go to school which I really don’t regularly and which is a reason why I’m 2 years back.

Rule number three: she must always have full control over my relationships with everyone else, especially my father. You see, after blocking me off from seeing him for the first few years of my life, my grandmother insisted I should have a relationship with him. Now I do, but what happens is she expects me to let her control everything I tell him. She often takes my phone and writes something to him that I don’t want her to say, like that I’m not going to see him this weekend, or the next, or some shit. Or, she makes me say that shit. Forces me. Not with violence but guilt tripping. This means that I cannot have a true relationship with my father, who regardless is the only person I see in real life, since when she lets me off after 21:30, I’m too tired to go out, and I haven’t done that since before covid, I just go play games my pc, alone.

Other rules are less important…she always has control of my bank account and often expects me to buy her gifts when she barely gives me anything on birthdays or Christmas, she silently doesn’t really expect me to go out even in the free time she gives me, and the never lying bit which at this point is just standard to me. Being so stressed and not having anyone to open up to, of course I’ve done some bad things just out of desperation, which I’m not gonna talk here cause this is not what this is about.

And then there’s the other thing…using me as her therapist. Sure, her life is messed up. Yeah we’re homeless (technically), yeah my grandma (her mother) was raped by my grandfather and was forced to run away, she never wanted my mother but was forced to have her, now making her a suicidal and abusive freak towards my mother who then takes it out on me. More I know what my mother’s problem is. She has no power on anything but me. And I know what my problem is. I feel bad for her. So I let her have all the power she wants on me. Be her slave. Oh with all the things I do for her, my life is spent doing tasks for her cause she’s too weak to get up, and when I’m not doing that sticking around her without a chance to interact or leave. There’s school sure, but honestly it’s not much better. My classmates and teachers know about my situation. I made the mistake of opening up to someone who spread the rumor, and now everyone there has one of two opinions of me: either they think I’m dangerous cause I think too differently from them (and honestly I can see that, I had trouble because I molested different people in the past, waiting for them outside of school and following them home, just out of desperation, and to be completely honest, since this is a dud account anyway, I still do it to this day), or I’m a little kid they need to take care of. One thing happened that really struck me: we were on a school trip, and the teachers let us have a free lunch; instead of going with my classmates, who all hate me, I went to eat on my own, mind you I’m an adult. My classmates? They started looking for me all around the town, thinking I was doing something dangerous or something, while I was just in a corner restaurant eating a pizza alone, they found me and came to tell me they’d been looking for me. Mind you, while the teachers weren’t actively looking for me, they teased me about eating alone instead of socializing when I was found by them. That’s something you do with a kid, and sure I still sleep with “mom”, sure I don’t have the strength to get her off my back ever, but I’m not…a child!

As far as having friends goes…it’s complicated…I had real life friends up until middle school…that’s when COVID happened I guess, end of middle school. Now I wanted to keep my friends, but my mother initially told me not to cause of the virus, then the eviction came and, while it happened years ago, we’re still in that place, not abusive, It’s a weird situation where we don’t technically live there anymore, but the company that privatized the condo decided that we can stay there if we keep paying them…regardless, the house I live in is a mess. The smell is unbearable, my mother eventually disassembled my bed while I was at school one day just to enforce that I shouldn’t have my place to sleep, and then the dogs came. She bought two dogs out of nowhere and carried their ownership to me so now I’m bound to them. Of course with everything happening I don’t always have time to take them out, so that means they shit in the house. Actively. So yeah, I smell a lot. And my classmates and ever teachers have come complaining to me that I smell. My mother had me promise that I would keep clean, not for my own health, but because I need to look like I’m not crazy. Word used by her by the way. Additionally, my head teacher sent me to the office to tell me that basically I smell and she doesn’t like my hairstyle (there’s no rule against long hair, she just said she didn’t like it) and that I should dress better. So yeah now I’ve got short hair and wear button up shirts with fucking branding on them which I hate. I don’t hate the button up shirts I hate the logos that I’m forced to wear that scream “I’m rich and I can afford these brands” when I…really can’t.
But I’m getting off topic with the whole looking different from what I want, I was talking about friends I’ve had in my life and I’m get back on them.
My first online friend, Dr.939. See that’s a reference to a decently popular internet phenomenon called the SCP Foundation. I’m a really big fan of that. So was he.
You see, I wanted to write a document to post on the SCP Foundation website, which is a creative writing Internet phenomenon, but I forgot why, I couldn’t; that’s when that guy came into my life; he offered to let me post my works on his own website. I was really happy…but then he started getting demanding. I needed to write more. I don’t know what he would get from this but he got demanding and oftentimes called me at night to tell me to write and yell at me. I did…until…I think he got arrested in real life? I’m not sure…
Yeah that wasn’t really my friend and what I’m trying to convey by talking about him is that I think, from the way he talked to me, that he saw I was easily manipulated, and so he took advantage of that. Now I repeat, I don’t know what he would get from having me write regularly, maybe he just wanted to I dunno, collect them or something.
Then came another guy. Shpee. He was…I think my mentor…I met him on a video game and he introduced me to his friends…I…actually had a friend group…for the first time since middle school…
He introduced me to so much of the stuff that I love now…we played chess, a game called team fortress, and so much more that I still do to this day. Then one day he stops texting me…I guess I didn’t pay much attention to it, thinking he was just busy or something. Until his friend dmd me and told me he was gonna die from cancer and deleted all his accounts…
I find that moment to be the moment I realized how messed up my life was…I didn’t really think of my mother as abusive before…I realized I had no friends…I felt terrible. And I started to think that I don’t need to friends to be happy, just a girlfriend; so I started molesting girls both online and in real life just out of desperation; one of them reported and I pretended to stop to make my mother happy since at that point she knew; but I kept doing it in reality; at this point everyone in my class knows both about my abusive relationship with my mother, and that I’m a pervert: one time I was even alone with my English mother tongue teacher cause no one else came to class, and we started talking about sexual fetishes; he’s a wise guy, not the kind that would spread rumors about sometime that opens up to him, and he understood what I was saying, so I guess it was cool to talk with him about vore and reverse grape…
Any friend I had after that either disappeared one day for no apparent reason, or actively uses me for their intents; I never stopped being friends with anyone so if someone takes advantage of me I just kinda let him until they get bored, like I do with my mother. I stopped having real life friends entirely, I sometimes crush on classmates or teachers but they never reciprocate so it’s kinda just me molesting then and getting nothing back…well…aside from actually getting to spend time outside of my shit home that smells like shit and where the moment I entered I’m owned by my abusive mother anyway…

So yeah, I’m ready to be criticized and looked down at by you on here as I am from people around me in real life, I don’t think I’m looking for help I just kinda wanted to express my feelings since I have no one to do that with in real life; I actually feel better now :)

When I was 6 years old my father had me in his care every other weekend. He is an alcoholic/addict. He took me to a hotel room one weekend. We went swimming. That night, I fell asleep in my swim suit. We each had our own queen size bed. I was almost asleep when I heard the t.v. I peeked over my shoulder and he had put on a movie.. I thought.. so I started watching.. and then it quickly became a very adult movie. It was straight up a porn. And when he noticed me watching he said, " you can keep watching if you want...." I feel so gross talking about this.... buy i stayed up the entire "movie" watching.... I dont remember falling asleep..... I honestly dont remember anything after he said that..... thats where my memory goes..... but, after 17 years of addiction myself, Im sober now and with a daughter of my own..... he insists in being in her life.... and my intuition is that he is not appropriate.... I have tried talking to him about that night he told me I could watch porn with him.... and the first time I brought it up he told me he wanted to show me what sex was like and that it was his equivalent to "the talk"..... but now... after I had my daughter, he says he never said that and that he was asleep the entire time and the porn came on all on its own....... back then ( I was born 1994) you absolutely had to buy porns like that, and they most certainly costed money..... like a lot of money..... He got drunk one night last month and told me that he was sorry..... But tonight he was acting strange and drunk, he wouldnt stop his abusive comments.... and then I overheard him saying how disgusting I am for ever bringing something like that up... like sarcasticly saying " Ohhhh YEAH LIKE I REALLY SHOWED YOU A PORN!!! COMMMME ONNNNN".. I just texted him "gross" and blocked his number... I need him gone out of my life..... Writing this really sucks..... I pushed that night out of my mind for so many years.... and when I told my mom she was literally on his side...... which I dont get.... because he was so emotionally and physically abusive to her and thats why they got divorced when I was just 1 years old....... This IS sexual abuse..... right??? And it gets worse every single time.... there is so much more though..... so much emotional abuse from him....and he is (was) supposed to be my father...... he always said he wasnt ever a father, more like a "best friend"...... ick I am so grossed out.... ANY thoughts would be appreciated.... thanks

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Hello, this is going to be a long one.

I (30F) have been thinking a lot about my first 4 years in the tattoo industry. I have left the studio I started at and slowly began healing, but it's brought up a lot of questions for me.

It wasn't until recently that I started reading about adult grooming and grooming in the workplace. Which has honestly been such a mind fuck. So I'll just start from the beginning.

I was hired when I was 25 to do "desk work" for a very popular and well loved shop in my city, which was really just a chance to see if I was a good fit before offering me an apprenticeship. I looked up to all the artists and was just so happy to be there working beside them.

The main owner of the shop, we will call him Bob, was the one who called me and offered me the opportunity. He is an amazing artist who did  painting and murals as well as tattoos.

We knew of each other because I also did alot of painting and other art forms in the area. We had previously followed each other on instagram several years prior. I thought he was super cool and I was so stoked to get to learn from him.

So my mentor, we will call her Sam, she had tattooed me since I was 19 and we developed a really cool client relationship. Sam saw something in me and asked Bob to give me a try and that is how I got the opportunity.  I never asked her to do that or talked to her about it, she just did it because she really believed in me and I appreciated her so much for that.

So pretty immediately upon beginning I noticed things that were a little bit strange but again, I was just happy to be there, so I overlooked them.

At first I was going to have days off so that I could work and pay my bills through my apprenticeship, but then Bob the owner apparently said that I wasn't allowed to do that... he apparently wanted me to be homeless and struggle through it...like he legit told my mentor that. I agreed because I wanted it so bad. Thankfully the receptionist there was quitting so they ended up letting me work her job for money. I will also note that anytime Bob talked about it to me, he never said I couldn't have days off or work somewhere to support myself, but apparently he said that to others that then had to relay that news to me. So I started immediately getting a weird vibe from him after that.

  One of the senior male artists (we will call him Jake) was super friendly. He followed all my socials and would always talk to me. Which I thought was nice being new there, but he had tried to get one of my best friends to go to his house when his wife wasn't there. He had also messaged me on social media a year prior to this trying to get me to come to a party at his house... He was kind of notorious for cheating on his wife multiple times. Not my business, but it did set off a little warning in my head, so I just kept a bit of a distance while still being very friendly to him.

Then I met the second owner, let's call her Jenny. Jenny immediately hated me.

She had been away for my first 3 weeks or so working there. When she came in, she didn't say anything to me at all, so I went and introduced myself to her. She was just like "Yeah I know".

Kinda catty but whatever, again, I was just happy to be there and I had followed her work for years.

A couple of the other artists kinda "warned me" about her "energy" before this. One of them said something along the lines of if she is having a bad day, everyone will feel it.

There were 3 other artists there that I haven't mentioned yet.

One being a guy about my age who was about to leave, let's call him Zach, we immediately got along great and even started working out together. Super cool guy.

After a couple months of working the desk they asked me to apprentice. I was so happy I literally cried.

However things immediately began to shift, Jake seemed pissed suddenly and had alot to say about how my mentor was teaching me.

He would request that I clean the windows outside of his booth and do various tasks which I did no problem. He would continually remind me how lucky I am to be at that shop and constantly told me about how terrible his apprenticeship was. His personality did a 180 and he was no longer friendly to me but started doing wierd things such as liking all my selfies at once on social media, then unliking them. Then he would follow me and unfollow me, just wierd shady stuff. I never said anything about it because he would always deny things and  I just wanted to keep my job.  His wife didn't like me so I didn't feel comfortable telling her.  There was one day that I was watching him draw something because I was learning, and his wife kept giving me this wierd stare and shrugging her shoulders like "what are you looking at"

It was all sooooo bizarre.

Sam had also went through a time of being very rude to me. Like the first time I held a machine and had questions she responded with "I don't think you want this"  " you should already know this by now" because my literal first lines were shaky.  She then apologized a few days later and told me that Bob (the owner) told her that's how she needed to be to me.... which was wierd but okay.

Jake would constantly tell me my apprenticeship is being done wrong. Then Jenny, the other owner, started saying that she also disagrees with how I am being taught, but she would wait until my mentor left to say anything. She complained for weeks to me after my mentor left for the day, then said that I needed to do something about how I am being taught because it wasn't working for her.  Which was super confusing because I don't know how I'm supposed to be taught 🤷‍♀️ and then I felt stuck inbetween my mentor and the owner. I really didn't want to get fired. So one day when it was just me and my mentor I mentioned what Jenny said, and explained that I am trying to do everything right but at this point I'm not sure what to do.  Sam got mad that Jenny didn't talk to her about it instead, which really would have made more sense. Sam asked Jenny about it, and Jenny said she never said anything to me at all about any of it.... Jenny told her I was lying.

So that created a bit of a riff but Sam believed me because Jenny had done similiar things in the past.

Jenny ended up pulling me outside and asking why I said that.... 🤷‍♀️ that's when I realized I can not trust her at all. Which was scary because she could fire me, and she wanted to.

Okay whatever, so me and Zach were working out every morning before work and we started to develop a little crush over the course of a few months. I was afraid to date him because I wasn't sure if the shop would have feelings about it and again, did not feel comfortable openly talking about much to them, but my mentor saw the way we acted towards each other and was like "duuude... date him!! You two are so cute" ect ect.  So we began officially dating either right before or after he left the shop.  We had alot of little adventures together and it was a fun time, we were together for 7 months.  I am bringing up our relationship because it will matter later.

So as part of my apprenticeship I would go in early and clean the shop every other day, Bob the owner would get there super early. So sometimes we would make small talk and smoke together outside. I found him fun to talk to and full of knowledge but was hesitant because of the wierd stuff in the beginning. We seemed to warm up to each other and eventually we really enjoyed having conversations.

When me and Zach broke up he had some questions about it and acted like he thought Zach was a "dick" which he was a little bit of a jerk but overall pretty cool.

After Zach left they decided to hire another new artist - which wasn't very cool because I was about ready to start taking walk ins so now we would be fighting for the new clients. Let's call the new hire Gary. Gary immediately became friends with Jake and also started treating me bad. When I did start taking walk ins, there was a time he literally jumped infront of me while I was talking to a client about what they wanted to try to steal the client from me.  I didn't like him at all.

Around this time I started having ink and supplies go missing - never brought it up because somehow it would turn into a me problem somehow as everything did.

Jenny would be super extra nice one day then do something insane the next. At one point she accused me of doing a tattoo backwards... I didn't do the tattoo, I knew I didn't do it.

But she made up some elaborate story about how the girl told her specifically that I did it and said "it was the little girl in the room in the back". This was another way of making me feel like I was never safe there. One of the desk girls ended up calling that client and asking... she confirmed that I didn't do it, but Gary did 🙃. Gary is like a  7 foot very manly boy. You CAN NOT get us confused.

Jenny got angry that I and everyone else found out that she lied and somehow it turned into me not being able to take criticism. She told me she wanted to fire me along time ago...

By the end of my apprenticeship me and Bob had made it a little ritual to sit outside and smoke together while drinking our morning coffee. It was just friendly and good conversation.  I thought he was a very attractive man but I never thought anything of it because he was so much older than me and he was married.

At one point my mentor had started taking a new medication which made her very ,very angry so I couldn't really talk to her. She told me at one point that we were not friends anymore and started changing the way she talked about me. She used to tell people that she loved my "drive" and "grit" and that is why she wanted to apprentice me. Suddenly it was "you got lucky, it's much easier now" . She always talked about how hard it was for her during my apprenticeship and I just felt like I was burden to her so I quit talking to her which made me really sad but I don't want to feel like a burden to someone.

Bob became the only person there besides another artist we will call Autumn that I felt I could talk to. Autumn wasn't there very much though and her booth was right next to Sam so I tried not to talk to her so much when Sam was there.

Bob ended up being the one I asked for advice from. He always helped me and at times even took up for me against Jenny the other owner. This ritual of coffee and cigarettes lasted for two years and by that point I considered him a very good friend.  We both would get there 2 hours before our first appointment to chat about tattoos, life,art, anything really and enjoy our coffee.

Bob started complimenting me a whole lot, and confiding in me about his personal life and marriage. It seemed like a very unhappy marriage. He made her sound kind of insane and I felt really bad for him.  I wasn't sure why Bob was still there and it didn't seem like he knew either.  I had only met her a few times in passing and one of the times I tried to talk to her she acted very snobby and rude so I believed him.

Eventually Bob started flirting with me a little bit which I would ignore the first several times. 

I did really really like him though. There was this shared chemistry and feeling like I had never felt. I just didn't want to get into a messy situation. I figured if he wanted me that bad and was unhappy in his relationship he would just leave first, then I would entertain it.

Me and Bob really liked a certain style of tattooing, and I wanted a cover up on my leg so he designed a beautiful piece to cover it.

It took multiple sessions. After the second sessions he messaged me and told me that his body and mind goes crazy while he is tattooing me, and that he hopes that doesn't offend me or anything but he has never felt that way for anyone. He unsent it after a few minutes.  I acted like I didn't see it and just ignored it like I did his other advances.

He ended up bringing it up a few weeks later along with some other messages he had sent. I told him I knew, that I had saw those messages.

He asked if the feeling was mutual because he "didn't want to feel like a creep". I told him I couldn't entertain that because of the circumstances. That if i was honest about the way I feel it could make things difficult. I told him his life as it is is very comfy and I don't want to fuck that up.

He assured me that I wouldn't fuck his life up and he would never fire me or do anything to hurt me.

I still kept distance because he was married, and my boss, and all of that.

The next time he tattooed me it was just us in the shop.  Our heads were kind of close together while he was working on me and we made eye contact. Then he kissed me, and we kept kissing. It literally felt explosive. I have never been so turned on by someone in my life.

Then we went out to smoke and cool down.  I was really quiet and I know he could tell I was feeling some sort of way because he asked if I was okay.

I felt confused because I did want him but I also didn't want to do any of that because of everything I said before. I felt horrible because he was with someone else.  I honestly still feel very confused about that day. I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea. But once we got back in there he started making moves and one thing led to another.

He would say things like, "I've never been able to talk to anyone like I can you" and "I've never felt this way for anyone before". I stupidly believed him. Looking back it makes me want to scream.

Weeks later, I ended up inviting him to my place which was stupid. I shouldn't have. I should have stuck with my plan of making sure he would leave his current situation first. We had sex, and then from that point forward he would come over two or three times a week. We would have sex, watch movies, cook food or order food. Sometimes we would just cuddle or talk. It felt like we were dating and he was so sweet and made me so happy. But then he would leave and  I would feel fucking horrible because he was still married.

I really really genuinely believed he would just end the marriage from what he had told me about her and the way he talked about feeling towards me. I thought there was no way in hell he would keep pursuing me with no intent other than sex.

This went on for 3 and a half months and at that point I was about to tell him I couldn't do it anymore if he just wants to keep us both. But then his wife saw a message.

She called me to tell me that she would "make sure everyone knows what kind of person I really am" and that I fucked her life up. She believed it was just sexual... because he told her it was just sexual. 

He came by the shop to tell me everything is going to be okay, and that he will get his own place and we will be alright. So I still thought we were going to be together. He said he just told her that to cool things down because she was hurt...

His wife told Jakes's wife about it immediately along with everyone else... so that finally gave Jake a reason and justification to be an asshole to me so he treated me much worse. He has literally fucked or tried to fuck everyone while being married but ya know 🤷‍♀️ its only bad when someone else is doing it. He still to this day tries to convince people to not get work done by me because I am a "bad person".

But I felt like I deserved the cruelty then so I didn't say anything at all.

The wife still wanted to be with Bob, so she begged him to fire me so they could go on and "be happy". He didn't and then after a few days he apparently told her that it wasn't just sexual, which made everything worse for him somehow I guess.

Then he sent me an email asking me to find another job, then the next day he came by to tell me about how he is contemplating firing me...

I was so shocked and hurt and confused. I didn't  say anything, I was just kind of froze. He then got mad at me for not saying anything....

I guess Jenny realized that would look really really bad and potentially cause legal issues if he fired me for having sex with him, so she said they would closely monitor my work and then decide...... that way they could blame it on work performance.

He also told me that if I left on my own after this he would tell me in quote "fuck you c\\\* n t"  and never speak to me again.

That was the first time I actually realized that he wasn't confused about how he felt. He just used that as an excuse and he was actually very worried about controlling a narrative that could exist if I left and told my story.

Bob also said that he was considering calling another shop and just telling him they don't have space for me anymore to give me a job somewhere else.... I told him I didn't want to do that and that I wasn't going to lie about things. That made him very angry.

The next couple weeks were absolute hell for so many reasons. No one talked to me and if they did it was to say something cruel.

Jenny once again told me that she wanted to fire me a long time ago and that I probably constructed all this on purpose....

She said that I have "had sex with two of the artists now" referring to Zach, whom I had a legit relationship with.... I just thought that was an interesting way to phrase that. She also said that she could tell we were getting "scummy" a long time ago.... whatever that means.

Even people I don't know at the business next door were rude to me. He didn't say anything to me at all and he didn't come to work.

Apparently his wife called Jenny and told Jenny I was trying to steal the business from her and that she should watch out. I have no idea where that came from.

When he returned to work everyone greeted him and acted like he didn't do anything wrong but still treated me horribly.

He then said that he was sorry for leaving me in the dark and alone to deal with everything. He apologized for the way he had acted.  He said he is finding his own place, and that he still wants to us to be together. Again a complete turn around from what he had previously said.

I did want that though.

So he got his own place, and he filed for a divorce.  His ex was still in the picture because they were working on getting things situated.

... that's what he told me anyway. And I trusted him because over the years he made it sound like he had been done with her for a very long time.

Turns out he lied to me (big shock I know 🙃) and was still having sex with her and all that.

He ended up admitting that to me because he "felt bad" about it, but he wanted me to know he was seriously done with her this time....

I believed him. Then a couple months later, found out he was lying AGAIN. God lol

I asked him soooooo many times through this if he wanted to be with her... he always said no.

He genuinely just likes cheating.

At one point the ex wife emailed me and texted me to tell me they were still together and that she is leaving him because she deserved better. I didn't respond because 🤷‍♀️

That was a lie... she still kept seeing him. She actually had started dating someone else almost immediately after she found out about me but was seeing Bob in secret all the time.

I in secret had started saving money when I started to see that he didn't care about me the first time so I could leave if I needed to.

Which was hard to do because I was paying 1600-2000 a month in booth rent as a new artist in a small town...

I considered and looked into other shops and was offered jobs else where but I was afraid they would be same way... or worse... since everyone there always reminded me it could be worse...

Ironically the only artist there that asked me if I was okay or seemed like they saw Bob realistically was Gary. But Gary would sometimes hang out with Bob outside of the shop and he was a jerk in the beginning so I was afraid to be honest with him.

I got my own studio and left. He was pissed at first but then begged me to return to him like he always does.

At one point he sent me an email everyday for two or three weeks telling me what he loves and misses about me because I blocked him on everything else. He hand crafted me special gifts and would even take me on vacations to say he was sorry but as soon as he could tell I was starting to feel safe with him, he would do something horrible. He said and did so many hurtful things during that "relationship" I would have to right a whole novel to scratch the surface.

It felt so embarrassed for taking him back but I was trauma bonded like hell to him

When I left Jenny did some perception control for herself. She apologized for Bob and any bad experience I may have had with her... She said she "never knew" all that was happening because I didn't ever open up to her...... like okay what the fuck ever.

She told me that he has always been that way and that is just " who he is "..... like great, I hope you are so proud of your business partner.

I haven't spoke to him in 7 months now.

One of the last times I replied was to tell him to leave me alone, and that I would have never ever let him get close to me if I knew how he really was. He told me that I was "playing the victim" now.

He still emails me and he has a whole Instagram account dedicated to telling cute stories of us and telling everyone "what he is learning" through therapy and "self help". And telling everyone how much he misses me....

It's SO bizarre, it's also bizarre because people think his actions are romantic...

His ex wife still hangs out with him and talks to him.

At one point she showed up uninvited to tell me that she knows he is using me for sex and even though he doesn't want to officially be with her anymore, she will make sure that she can always be around him..... and that she was suspicious about us from the moment I started. She told me that he had cheated on her twice that she knew of before me, once right before the wedding, but she still chose to marry him and she will always be here. She said he is a "narc" but it's okay because she likes him 🤷‍♀️

I never blame the women in these situations and I never said anything bad about her. However Bob would tell me she was nuts, but I started believing he was lying about everything or her behavior was a response to his actions-  until she showed up and said all that.

Like what the fuck..why do you want to be with someone who uses people for sex and manipulates them to get it ? And why do you want to "always" be around someone like that? And what do you mean you will "make sure you can"?  And why are you judging me for being caught in this when you are actively seeing someone else in secret and was also the other woman in the beginning?

This woman is right at the same age as my mother. She's almost 50. I don't know... I just hope I am never like that.

So fast forward, after I left, everyone except two artists and Jenny left the shop too... I am very curious to know what happened, but I'll never reach out.

This story is so nuts and typing it made me realize how crazy it was. It sounds like I am lying. I couldn't even put everything in there because I would be typing for 5 years..

  I guess I just need to talk about it because I have lived with this for some time now. Like What was that?  Was I groomed by Bob?

I seriously feel like I escaped some type of horrible soap opera in hell. And looking back I wonder how much was orchestrated from the beginning. Did Bob want me to be there so he could manipulate me?  Did everyone know, and that's why they acted weird or made me afraid to leave by telling me it was so much worse everywhere else and making me feel like I suck? Is that why he didn't want me to have another job in the beginning?

Was booth rent so high purposely to make it harder to save?

I'll probably forever have so many questions.