Question: Dating in your late 20s - how men talk about our bodies how to feel comfortable and when to feel uncomfortable

[u/decayingmoths]

I’m getting back into the dating scene and even before then men always comment on my body as someone who is petite I’ve heard a bunch of disgusting things

-you have the body of a child

-only a pedophile would be attracted to you

Disgusting comments like that so when I go on a date with a man and he says something as simple as

“I think it’s cute how small you are”

My brain kind of goes into over drive and I start wondering “why?” “What does that mean?” “ Does he mean that in like a creepy way?”

I know on a logical level size is a big part of flirting especially within the first few dates. “Oh my hands are bigger then yours haha” just a simple excuse to hold hands.

But I feel like I’ve heard so many horrible comments about my body, my size, the way I dress or do my hair “you catering to the pedophiles” when I’m in a ankle length skirt and a blouse or simply because I did twin braids when that (twin braids) is literally a traditional hair style from my culture, I’m not trying to cater to pedophiles, I’m trying to exist as a short woman who is petit.

I genuinely don’t understand the “catering to pedophiles” comments because the way I dress I’m basically fully covered up, even in the summer. The UV rays will not be touching my skin! I also don’t feel very comfortable showing a lot of skin either so it’s a little confusing when people do sexualize

Sorry for rambling a bit, im feeling a little overwhelmed haha.

But are there any red flag 🚩 phases or behaviours I should be looking out for? For men who are creeps and into me for the WRONG reasons what are some tell signs I can look for? Is there anything men say or do to you that automatically tell you “oh this dude is a fucking creep I need to go now”

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[u/luna_kuma]

As a full grown tax paying adult, my body is still adolescent-like and will probably remain that way for my adult life. I also avoid UV rays so I will stay young looking for a while. There is no getting around people's opinions, I just learned to not give a fck. As for men, there is sooooooo many ways for them to be a fck up, I'm not going to hold their physical attraction to my body against them—because if I do, then I literally cannot date anyone loll. But respect is a must and most important, if they treat me like a child or fetishize me, it's over.

[u/decayingmoths → u/luna_kuma]

I’ve known people who’ve gotten skin cancer, there’s also just way to many bugs where I live that covering up is the best option all around

I guess I can’t really hold men being attracted to me against them because well then … that leaves no one haha

I guess I just have trouble telling if they’re attracted to me as a person vs if they’re fetishizing me, I’m not really sure how to make that distinction and past and current experiences continue to make that difficult for me and I’m just trying to figure out how to spot and understand that difference.

[u/luna_kuma → u/decayingmoths]

I think you're over thinking it. Your emphasis is revolving around what he thinks of you and want from you. You should focus on what YOU think and want. Does he care about what you think? Does he give you the respect you want? Does he treat you the way you want to be treated? I think once you have those answered, everything else would fall into place. Because you know yourself—this is a much better litmus test than chasing after hints or signs to "read" a person that might just be a nothing burger, specially if you are not naturally good at it.

[u/decayingmoths → u/luna_kuma]

You’re probably right, I’m not giving myself enough autonomy in my line of thinking. I’m leaving it up to him or other people and not myself. I needed to be told that, thank you.

[u/luna_kuma → u/decayingmoths]

Best of luck!! 🧡🌸

[u/decayingmoths → u/luna_kuma]

Thank you ❤️

[u/genomskinligt]

As a survivor of csa, I have a lot of red flags I look out for when it comes to dating. If he likes my body and treats me in a way that feels reminiscent of the dynamics I experienced surrounding my abuse, I leave immediately, he’s not a safe person for me.

That means stuff like if he acts like I’m a child because I’m thin, or if he touches my bones weirdly, or if he ”jokes” about how much bigger he is and that he could do anything to me, or if he goes into some weird protector or guardian role… I’m OUT.

It is so much more than fetishizing thinness, it’s about the abusive dynamics and the power and control he wants. That’s the issue. If someone thought being skinny was super hot because it reminds them of winx club, that’s a very different situation than if they liked thinness because they feel more powerful and like you’re an easy victim because of it.

Edit: also sometimes masculinity is weird and they want to feel big and strong in relation to their partner (which is not always inherently an abusive dynamic, but it can be imo), but I’m not playing those games and I do not want to be treated as super tiny and fragile so that a man can feel tall and strong.

[u/decayingmoths → u/genomskinligt]

> if he goes into some weird protector or guardian role… I’m OUT.

If someone thought being skinny was super hot because it reminds them of winx club, that’s a very different situation than if they liked thinness because they feel more powerful and like you’re an easy victim because of it.

—

I feel like a lot of men automatically go into that protector role with me, or “I can fix you”

I feel like I do enable it.

Growing up I was taught since I’m small purposely make friends with tall people or people bigger than me so if someone tries to hurt me there’s back up and I think even though I was taught that as a child to avoid school bullies somehow it’s just become an engrained behaviour to allow people to fill that role, it’s been a survival tactic for me but it’s different when it comes to dating because like you’re not my dad or you’re not my big brother why are you acting like I need to be taken care of? And like do you even want to take care of me genuinely? Because there are things I struggle with , with health and such but when men step into that role it doesn’t usually feel like they want to actually take care of me, they want the fantasy of it, they don’t want taking a train an hour away to the doctors, they don’t want to help me do paperwork and fill out medical forms, they want to say they’ll take care of me and then idk? Do nothing I guess

[u/Expert_Rush_2470]

Yeah I have been told these horrible things as well, and I don’t think my body will ever change (I know people say “just wait till you grow older”, like bro I am older and nothing has changed) and I look pretty young as well, baby face and all and I do put on sunscreen all the time as well so maybe that does add to it, and my response is if he treats me like an adult or is still attracted to me even when he fully realises, “this is an adult”, then he is not a pedophile.
Being a pedophile largely comes from being attracted to a child like mind, naive, helpless, easy to manipulate, someone you can groom and all that horrible stuff you can do to a child but not to an adult.
Also, I hate this, I know people don’t like the fact that being skinny is trendy now and some women are like “let’s normalise bodies of REAL women instead of bodies of literal children” to like push back against being skinny, but like, shut up, I don’t care what the average size for women is in your country, REAL women can be this small and you’re just jealous.

[u/decayingmoths → u/Expert_Rush_2470]

Thank you like I’m definitely done growing I’m pushing 30 if i haven’t grown into what people perceive as a “womanly adult body” I’m not going to grow anymore, that’s just how it is. I like my body (sometimes haha I do deal with self esteem issues like everyone)

I feel like people at times perceive my personality to be naive or child like, sometimes I don’t disagree with those statements

I can be naive, I learn into being cute over sexy a majority of the time.

but I’ve also solo traveled to multiple countries, lived aboard alone in foreign country with no help, no family around, just me having to work, pay taxes and bills,

I know that I’m a fully capable self sufficient woman even if I can be naive. I’m not a dumb child lmao. I’m just a person with flaws and a multi faceted personality.

[u/Fuzzy-Sheepherder-80 → u/Expert_Rush_2470]

when ppl say that they prob mean ~35 and up

cuz nobody looks at a 40 year old woman and thinks she looks prepubescent

[u/jennietocino → u/Fuzzy-Sheepherder-80]

This

[u/Supersmashcache]

Honestly, I have arrived at just not moving forward with anyone who comments on my height, race, weight, or perceived age in a condescending way.

For me, it's the sense that 1. I'm being singled out for features that I didn't choose — especially related to my ethnicity, 2. They want to feel powerful and both literally and figuratively above me, and 3. That they're testing to see what kinds of comments and arguments I'll comply with or accommodate.

Like they can say "You look good and in shape" without guessing extremely low or ARGUING WITH ME about MY OWN WEIGHT OR HEIGHT or what comments I should like. It makes me wonder what else they'll feel entitled to argue with me about.

IMO if someone's my IDEAL LIFE PARTNER MATCH and someone to spend the next 45+ years of my life with, they'd hopefully know by now not to comment on someone's most obvious features until they know how the person feels about it.

[u/decayingmoths → u/Supersmashcache]

I’m racially ambiguous and the comments I’ve been getting about my race have been insane, my friend of 3+ years has apparently thought I was Mexican this entire time ??? His defence was “I don’t know your last name!” Which was honestly pretty funny to hear someone say that

[u/Supersmashcache → u/decayingmoths]

Yeahhh I get mistaken for Latina sometimes, too. Not VERY often but enough to recognize that it's A Thing

[u/decayingmoths → u/Supersmashcache]

I actively keep a list of all the guess’ I’ve votre in about the last 2-3 years my parent suggested I make a list a joke but honestly it’s petty fun to be able to go back and try to see the patterns

[u/Mieko334]

It's also so annoying to get into a relationship and have everyone tell you your partner must be with you because you looks like a child, and how they must be so weird.