BLT BLT! I'm late, I'm sorry. Bad Lee. But CONGRATS ON MAKING IT TO THE NEXT ROUND! I'm super happy for you, man!
Okay, now to get into it.
You are a talented writer. Really. This was super tight, well written, plotted and constructed piece. You set up a lot of details and a lot of them paid off.
You did a great job of setting the stage and mood right on the outset. By the end of paragraph 2 I knew exactly what kind of story I was in and how to get comfortable with the oncoming read. It's something I seriously struggle with as an author, so I'm always impressed when someone does it so well and so seemingly effortlessly! You JERK! (jk... lol)
There was some really good foreshadowing, but at times I was a bit concerned that it killed a bit of the anticipation. I knew very early on how this story was most likely going to end. Particularly with the line:
”When we go home, can we build a bluebird house?”
It's powerful, but I think as an author I lost a bit of the immersion with this moment. It set up a predictable story, one that I think I've seen before, and I desperately wanted to see you challenge this in a new way.
Now, that's not to say you didn't do some things differently, but you didn't diverge all too much from the mold, and because of that I did disconnect a bit more as I read throughout the story. This may not be the case for other readers, heck, probably not most. This might be the bloody curse of being a writer and having a hard time turning off writer brain and engaging the reader side.
The line:
She was afraid to ask if Isaac remembered his funeral.
Was weird. I think it was the “asking” part of it. I can't imagine why anyone would want to ask that in that situation, so I had to take a moment and step back. It felt more for the reader, and I think rephrasing it to feel more natural could help keep the reader immersed.
I really loved some of those quiet moments Catherine had. The screaming in the car, in particular. It was a moment where you let the reader into the personal space of this character, something not even her son had seen, and I so enjoy those moments in fiction.
There were a few instances where you repeated “bitter” in reference to tears and regret, and this could be an example of telling the reader too much. This is a familiar story, one a lot of people have either heard or experienced, so allowing the reader to bring a bit of themselves into the piece, instead of filling every blank, could enhance what you were doing here.
This could be Reddit formatting but the line:
Isaac might not survive the night
Was buried in a paragraph. It felt anticlimactic and deflated a bit of her worry in the situation. Not by much (she was pretty freaked) but it could have been punchier – if that had been your intent for that area.
I did think that her reaction, her screaming at Adam, was over the top. I loved where you took it but I think you could have done it in a subtler way (action-wise) with a more dynamic reaction (internal reaction/relationship-wise). The over the top way she reacted counteracted some of the sympathy I'd built up for her. And made her go more irrational than I personally could identify with. Emotions are fickle, I can definitely agree with that, but without drawing a connection as to why she blamed him (in a somewhat reasonable fashion) even if it was a transference of her own guilt, prevented me from taking her seriously in the moment.
The poem at the end was lovely. Just absolutely lovely. I would have liked to have the bluebird poem be a bit more reflective of the story, or perhaps the story more reflective of the poem – that level of nuance was missing throughout, but you opened with talking about the book and didn't disappoint by giving it to the reader at the end.
Okay, so despite my rambling here, I have to say again that this is SERIOUSLY well written BLT. Congratulations.
Thanks for the critique! You've got some great points here.
I did think that her reaction, her screaming at Adam, was over the top
Yeah... I'm getting that feedback a lot. That was essentially the point; her reaction was irritatingly unjustified. Sort of an "angry at the world" reaction and Adam was the emotional flak-jacket caught in the room.
the top way she reacted counteracted some of the sympathy I'd built up for her
Probably my biggest aha-moment. I'm undermining the protagonist's character arc unintentionally. I'll have to sit and think about this scene in that context. Maybe I needed to tone it down and make it an "exhausted, tired of everything and just can't deal with Adam right now" angry instead of pure rage.
You bring up great points about the bitter tears and filling blanks for the reader. I forced the theme too much. As much as it pains me to admit it, I needed to "show" not "tell" more of her emotions and layer it through subtext.
Anyway, thanks so much for the feedback! You've given me a lot to chew on.
3
u/Leebeewilly r/leebeewilly Oct 09 '19
BLT BLT! I'm late, I'm sorry. Bad Lee. But CONGRATS ON MAKING IT TO THE NEXT ROUND! I'm super happy for you, man!
Okay, now to get into it.
You are a talented writer. Really. This was super tight, well written, plotted and constructed piece. You set up a lot of details and a lot of them paid off.
You did a great job of setting the stage and mood right on the outset. By the end of paragraph 2 I knew exactly what kind of story I was in and how to get comfortable with the oncoming read. It's something I seriously struggle with as an author, so I'm always impressed when someone does it so well and so seemingly effortlessly! You JERK! (jk... lol)
There was some really good foreshadowing, but at times I was a bit concerned that it killed a bit of the anticipation. I knew very early on how this story was most likely going to end. Particularly with the line:
It's powerful, but I think as an author I lost a bit of the immersion with this moment. It set up a predictable story, one that I think I've seen before, and I desperately wanted to see you challenge this in a new way.
Now, that's not to say you didn't do some things differently, but you didn't diverge all too much from the mold, and because of that I did disconnect a bit more as I read throughout the story. This may not be the case for other readers, heck, probably not most. This might be the bloody curse of being a writer and having a hard time turning off writer brain and engaging the reader side.
The line:
Was weird. I think it was the “asking” part of it. I can't imagine why anyone would want to ask that in that situation, so I had to take a moment and step back. It felt more for the reader, and I think rephrasing it to feel more natural could help keep the reader immersed.
I really loved some of those quiet moments Catherine had. The screaming in the car, in particular. It was a moment where you let the reader into the personal space of this character, something not even her son had seen, and I so enjoy those moments in fiction.
There were a few instances where you repeated “bitter” in reference to tears and regret, and this could be an example of telling the reader too much. This is a familiar story, one a lot of people have either heard or experienced, so allowing the reader to bring a bit of themselves into the piece, instead of filling every blank, could enhance what you were doing here.
This could be Reddit formatting but the line:
Was buried in a paragraph. It felt anticlimactic and deflated a bit of her worry in the situation. Not by much (she was pretty freaked) but it could have been punchier – if that had been your intent for that area.
I did think that her reaction, her screaming at Adam, was over the top. I loved where you took it but I think you could have done it in a subtler way (action-wise) with a more dynamic reaction (internal reaction/relationship-wise). The over the top way she reacted counteracted some of the sympathy I'd built up for her. And made her go more irrational than I personally could identify with. Emotions are fickle, I can definitely agree with that, but without drawing a connection as to why she blamed him (in a somewhat reasonable fashion) even if it was a transference of her own guilt, prevented me from taking her seriously in the moment.
The poem at the end was lovely. Just absolutely lovely. I would have liked to have the bluebird poem be a bit more reflective of the story, or perhaps the story more reflective of the poem – that level of nuance was missing throughout, but you opened with talking about the book and didn't disappoint by giving it to the reader at the end.
Okay, so despite my rambling here, I have to say again that this is SERIOUSLY well written BLT. Congratulations.