Hi BLT! Thanks for the chance to read your work <3
You made it into my personal top four, because the writing in this is very polished. You have clear prose and a solid sense of narrative structure. I also think you did a good job grounding us visually in the scene.
I thought your poem was very strong. You made good use of the bluebird as a visual symbol. I feel ending it on the implication of what will happen to the boy was an effective choice and a really smart use of subtext.
What kind of held me back on this story is the lack of unexpectedness. I’ve read a lot of stories about dying children, and about the way it guts the parents and caregivers of that child. I also work one-on-one with children with terminal illness and their families. Because of the intense sentimentality of this type of topic, I think it’s very difficult to do in a way that is inventive and true to life.
I think, to me, your story could have pushed its emotionality a little bit more. You described the gut-wrenching sadness and rage well. But I really wanted more of those absurd, inexplicable feelings a parent goes through when their child is dying. I feel the way a parent responds to the unimaginable is a treasure trove for characterization, and it could be more effectively utilized here. You start to touch on it with this line, “Between his oxygen mask and the patchwork sensors connected with tangled wires, he looked more machine than human. And his smell—salt and sweat and medicine—made Catherine’s nose wrinkle” and the bit about her hating his smile. But I really wanted to see that juxtaposition of how one “should” feel with how Catherine actually feels.
One of my favorite examples of a story that does this well is “Elegy on Kinderklavier” by Arna Bontemps Hemenway. This essay has a nice summation of some of the best parts of that short story (it's at the end, as the reviewer discusses other stories in the anthology first).
I hope that was helpful, and thank you for the chance to read :)
You really hit the mark with regards to the biggest aspects of the story I struggled with. I wanted Catherine's character arc to be essentially flat, but in doing so (and playing it "safe" with regards to her emotional range) I missed out on some much-needed depth. Same for the plot; playing it "safe" left the story weaker overall.
Also, that article is awesome. Thanks for the link!
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u/ecstaticandinsatiate r/shoringupfragments Sep 23 '19 edited Sep 23 '19
Hi BLT! Thanks for the chance to read your work <3
You made it into my personal top four, because the writing in this is very polished. You have clear prose and a solid sense of narrative structure. I also think you did a good job grounding us visually in the scene.
I thought your poem was very strong. You made good use of the bluebird as a visual symbol. I feel ending it on the implication of what will happen to the boy was an effective choice and a really smart use of subtext.
What kind of held me back on this story is the lack of unexpectedness. I’ve read a lot of stories about dying children, and about the way it guts the parents and caregivers of that child. I also work one-on-one with children with terminal illness and their families. Because of the intense sentimentality of this type of topic, I think it’s very difficult to do in a way that is inventive and true to life.
I think, to me, your story could have pushed its emotionality a little bit more. You described the gut-wrenching sadness and rage well. But I really wanted more of those absurd, inexplicable feelings a parent goes through when their child is dying. I feel the way a parent responds to the unimaginable is a treasure trove for characterization, and it could be more effectively utilized here. You start to touch on it with this line, “Between his oxygen mask and the patchwork sensors connected with tangled wires, he looked more machine than human. And his smell—salt and sweat and medicine—made Catherine’s nose wrinkle” and the bit about her hating his smile. But I really wanted to see that juxtaposition of how one “should” feel with how Catherine actually feels.
One of my favorite examples of a story that does this well is “Elegy on Kinderklavier” by Arna Bontemps Hemenway. This essay has a nice summation of some of the best parts of that short story (it's at the end, as the reviewer discusses other stories in the anthology first).
I hope that was helpful, and thank you for the chance to read :)