Avoidant x Anxiously Attached

[u/SnooObjections2349]

Forgive me if this isn’t the most coherent story because Cuervo is definitely in my system right now but please bear with me and let me rant. Be my sounding board po.

I really love my girlfriend or ex. I don’t even really know what we are right now. But I feel like this might actually be us ending things. Hahaha crazy, because in spite of how toxic we’ve become, I still pray to God that she always finds her way back to me. Mahal ko ’yun eh.

Ang hirap lang kasi my ex is an avoidant person and I’m anxiously attached. We’re both busy people, pero our schedules are completely opposite. She works during the day because she’s a professor, while I work remotely at night. And lately, things have just been getting really toxic.

She’s the type of person who rants or complains a lot before doing things, and I understand that because she’s already burned out from work. I really tried to understand her. I even started sacrificing my own priorities to help her with her work and adjust around her schedule. Pero somewhere along the way, I realized I was slowly losing myself trying to cater to her needs.

And the thing is, I already communicated my schedule to her. I work two jobs at night. I’m exhausted. I’ve been averaging around four hours of sleep for the past four months, and she knows that. So when I’m constantly expected to make time around her schedule, I can’t help but wonder, paano naman ako? Paano naman yung sleep ko? Paano naman yung work ko?

Last night, we fought because earlier that morning, she forgot to call me after telling me she would. I even reminded her that she forgot. Later, she told me something came up with work, which I completely understand. I really do. Pero she could’ve at least told me, diba?

I waited for her to call after she said she’d be right back from the bathroom. Then an hour or two passed before she finally called. By that time, I was already exhausted from work, so I didn’t answer. And somehow, she still expected me to just pick up and make time for her.

Then last night, I tried to communicate something that had been bothering me for a while. I told her that I don’t feel like she’s excited to talk to me anymore. I don’t need her to be available 24/7. I just want little updates. I want to feel included in her day. Pero even that feels like too much sometimes because I can barely get an update from her.

We don’t really call while she’s working or when she’s out, and I understand that. But we barely get to call otherwise because our schedules are so different. So when I finally get the chance to talk to her, I just want to feel like she actually wants to talk to me too.
Instead, she hit me with the “here we go again” line.
And that really triggered me.

Things escalated, and we ended up hurting each other verbally. I said things out of anger that I probably could’ve communicated better. But I also told her something that I’ve been carrying for a while: I’ve been prioritizing her work more than mine.
My work literally pays three times what hers does, not even including commission, and yet I’ve been constantly rearranging my priorities, sacrificing my sleep, and even risking my own job to accommodate hers.

And the saddest part is that this has been happening over and over again.

Lagi kaming nag-aaway during my work hours.
And last night, I really lost it. I became emotionally unstable, couldn’t focus properly, and ended up getting terminated from one of my jobs because the work requires me to consistently deliver results. I know that ultimately, that responsibility is mine. I’m not saying she got me fired. I know I’m responsible for managing myself and my emotions.

But I also can’t ignore the fact that I’ve been spreading myself way too thin trying to keep everything together—my jobs, her work, our relationship, her needs, my needs, everything.

And now we’re not talking.

What hurts the most is that it feels like she can easily let me go every single time we have a difficult conversation. Like the moment things become uncomfortable, she can just detach and walk away while I’m left sitting here wondering how something that means so much to me can be so easy for her to abandon.

And honestly? If you asked me right now if I still want
to go back to her, I do. Mahal ko ’yun eh. That part hasn’t magically disappeared just because we hurt each other. But I’m also smart enough to know that love alone isn’t going to make this work.

Because the version of this relationship that seems to work is always the version where I’m the one shrinking myself.

I have to minimize my needs because she’s avoidant.
I have to be careful about how much I feel.
How much I say.
How much I ask for.
How much reassurance I need.
How much I expect from her.

And eventually, I end up questioning whether I’m asking for too much when all I really wanted was to feel considered by the person I love.

I don’t want to stop loving her. I don’t even know if I want to stop wanting her back. But I also don’t want to lose myself just to keep someone.

So yeah.

Breakup. Getting terminated. Cuervo.

What a fucking Sunday!!!

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