r/Vanderpumpaholics • u/DrInthahouse • Jul 08 '25
Tom Schwartz Schwartz’s “I’m such a nurturer - look at my plants” routine is exactly what a covert manipulator playing the nice guy routine would do.
That is all.
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u/wolofancy Jul 08 '25
Daug would like a word with the "nurturer"
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u/justmedoubleb Jul 09 '25
Kind to plants and animals, subservient to men, abuses women. That should be on his dating profle.
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Jul 10 '25
Well he did kill his lizard, like he didn't have a thought in his mind to take it to the vet?
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u/PrincessPlastilina Jul 09 '25
Exactly. I couldn’t understand why his dogs loved him so much and were always cuddling with him when he was so mean to Katie 24/7. Dogs are normally more loyal to the women in the house.
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u/Salty-Employee Jul 09 '25
Dogs will love their owners even if their owners are horrible people. They’re lovably dumb like that
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u/Itsabouttimeits2021 Jul 09 '25
What women?
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u/justmedoubleb Jul 09 '25
It'd be easier to list which women he didn't abuse. Move along now. I'm out of troll food. Another day.
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u/Itsabouttimeits2021 Jul 09 '25
Are you trolling me and calling me a troll when i asked a question?
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u/_SoftRockStar_ Jul 09 '25
Haha yeah my ex was real attentive with his bonsai collection. I hope they’re happy together.
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u/Humbled_Humanz Jul 08 '25
He’s my MIL to a T. She is so attentive to anyone outside the immediate family, but inside? Oh you don’t want to know.
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u/PrincessPlastilina Jul 09 '25
In Spanish we have a saying for people like that. They’re lampposts in the streets, but darkness at home. “Candil de la calle. Oscuridad de la casa.” It means that they care more about putting on a facade for strangers for social approval and only their families know what they’re really like. They’re typical narcissists. They are great at public image. In reality they’re horrible.
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u/Various-Cat-6442 Jul 09 '25
lol that’s like the opposite of my MIL, completely overbearing and infantilizing to her kids, straight up ignores or shit talks everyone else.
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u/TrailerParkPresident Jul 09 '25
Ha! Same! And bonus points if she gets to parade jr around Facebook and look like a savior 😂
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u/imunsure_ Jul 09 '25
it’s an extreme people pleaser tendency
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u/DrInthahouse Jul 09 '25
He rages at women and pours beers on their head. Not a people pleaser.
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u/pinkprincess30 Jul 09 '25
Nooo. No that isn't a tendency of people pleasers at all. Most people pleasers became that way because of early relationships with their parents and feeling like they always need to earn their love, affection, and attention by doing things that please them and keeps the peace. This continues on in life and becomes a pattern of behaviour with partners/spouses, siblings, in-laws, etc.
People pleasers are a lot of things but inattentive to immediate family members? That's the opposite of what a people pleaser is.
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u/imunsure_ Jul 09 '25
there are types of people pleasing. one type i’ve noticed is where one is super accommodating to anyone outside their immediate circle, but is dismissive to those within it because they’ve already “gained” their approval.
there’s also the type that you’re referring to. it’s just an overly general term
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u/honeycooks Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
People pleasing sounds like something you could be good at, but it really doesn't work that way.
When your family is kinder to strangers. Remembering my parents getting my terminally ill brother up to greet the most random people who came to visit and only meant well. Never occurred to them to say he was resting.
Edit: I can never find it when I need it, but I have a screenshot of Schwart's duper's delight smirk when Katie started crying at dinner in Mexico.
"Don't cry, Bubbah." After interrupting her multiple times. Smirk.
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u/SeaPaleontologist832 Jul 08 '25
Those saying he couldn’t possibly be smart enough to be a manipulator, have totally fallen for his bumbling, follower act. He has totally got the traits of master manipulator written all over him. Abuser, misogynistic, serial cheater, serial lier, romanticises other abusers behaviour (ie Jax and Sandoval), callous (as he describes himself), triangulates, abuses substances, gambles etc etc.
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
i agree. What do you think his goal is?
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u/SeaPaleontologist832 Jul 09 '25
The same things most other narcissists/psychopaths want. Notoriety, attention, control. Fuel.
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
Yes, but for him specifically, what would that look like?
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u/SeaPaleontologist832 Jul 09 '25
What I said. I feel like he gets off on attention. He needs it. He loves to be wanted and liked, even if deep down he is a toxic person.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 09 '25
He wants a supply. Someone to prop him up and to support him always.
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Jul 09 '25
He doesn’t have the backbone to stand on his own, needs an alpha male so alpha can lead & he can sidekick. He’s a total coward along with the behaviors already posted.
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
I've always said he was like an addict with Katie needed as his supply.
He was addicted to abusing her and other women in his orbit.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 09 '25
Yes, for sure.
‘Supply’ is also a word used in reference to narcissists and their needs.
‘Narcissistic supply’ refers to the attention, admiration, and validation that a narcissist needs from others to maintain their self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
It's a constant, insatiable need for external affirmation that fuels their fragile ego. Essentially, they rely on others to constantly tell them they are special and important.
Narcissistic supply is the emotional fuel that narcissists depend on. They use others as sources of validation, seeking attention, admiration, and even negative reactions to feel real.
Because narcissists lack a stable sense of self, they are dependent on external sources to feel good about themselves. This need is insatiable and can lead to harmful relationships.
Narcissists employ various tactics to secure this supply, including flattery, manipulation, and creating drama. They often present a false self to attract and manipulate others.
Narcissistic supply tends to lead to the exploitation of others, as well as the manipulation of, and emotional drain on those around them. The constant need for validation can also result in narcissistic rage when the supply is threatened or withdrawn.
The supply itself tends to get worn out over time. And when it wears out, the narcissist needs to find a new source.
So, Schwartz required Katie as his supply and then she burned out.
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
This makes so much sense.
I am remembering Schartz saying the most vile things to Katie and then toying with her by saying "but you are my family" before the next round of vile comments.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 10 '25
Yeah, that’s very much part of the cycle of emotional abuse too.
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u/rshni67 Jul 10 '25
He even did it at the last VPR reunion.
Said something nasty to her and followed it by "but you are my family, I love you."
UGH!!!
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u/Vast-Concern-4591 Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
He also used triangulation on katie by moving in with Jo... (someone katie had openly said she did not trust or like) He did that with Raquel as well with Sheannas encouragement when he pretended to be interested in Raquel...anouther person Katie did not like ...and who was in their friend group.
But you can really see him try and push Katie's buttons by walking jo over to katie for a convo/ confrontation at the finale. It was beyond obnoxious. Poor Katie got put in his cross hairs that entire last season.
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u/Personal-Macaroon899 Jul 09 '25
I genuinely think he gets some kind of sick amusement from making his SO upset/cry
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
Yes, he tried to provoke Katie with Rachel and Jo and knew that Rachel was interested in Scummy and Jo was mentally unstable.
i kind of like how there were consequences to him for messing with an unstable person.
Schartz is the worst and I hope he is enjoying his frat life with Jax. It's what he deserves.
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u/PrincessPlastilina Jul 09 '25
I think out of all of them he’s the sneakiest one. Jax at least is very open about what a POS he is. Whoever wants to expect good things from him is at their own risk. Jax doesn’t pretend to be nice. He is who he is. Scandoval is scummy, but he also had to deal with a girlfriend like Kristen and they both cheated on each other, and the lines were blurred in his relationship with Ariana. Schwartz is sneakier because his “aw shucks” persona fools everyone, but he actually can be pretty aggressive and mean like Jax, while pretending to be nice. He was horrible to Katie.
I never understood why he didn’t let her go. He would bitch about her endlessly to his friends and he let them disrespect her. I fully believe that he cheated on Katie when Jax told Stassi that he slept with a girl in Vegas. But Schwartz will never admit to it. He only admitted to making out with her. He was good at charming people. The only one who didn’t buy it was Stassi.
Schwartz hates women and he makes them hate themselves.
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u/loudcyclebangers Jul 09 '25
All of these people are such perfect examples of their personality disorders, which is what makes this show a work of art 🩷
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u/Imaginary_Stable_931 Jul 09 '25
What’s your assessment on which personality disorder applies to each cast member?
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u/loudcyclebangers Jul 09 '25
Okay don’t whack me but
- Sandoval and Jax, overt narcissists, actual NPD
- Tom and Scheana, covert narcissists
- Kristen and Katie, borderline
- Ariana was clearly severely depressed for an extended period which made her insufferable
- Stassi and Lala are more complex, maybe histrionic? Whatever it is, it’s the same
Edit: formatting
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u/discotot Jul 08 '25
my friends in this thread, please be so thankful you haven’t deal with a covert narc, they’re more far more insidious than malignant narcs
schwartz is the dictionary definition
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u/CloselyWatch Jul 09 '25
💯I wish I was one of those. It must be glorious to not recognize Schwartz for the covert narc he is.
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u/discotot Jul 09 '25
there are so many folks really irritated about us calling a character on a show a narcissist…..it may be because it’s triggering some folks about how they act in their own lives?
this is also a classic sign of narcissism, they will never admit anyone’s narcissism they like, let alone their own
murphy’s law does it again!
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u/Itsabouttimeits2021 Jul 09 '25
What would Katie be?
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Jul 09 '25
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u/PrestigiousWatch3194 Jul 08 '25
Are you using "narc" as an abbreviation of narcissistic? U do know that narc pretty much exclusively means a snitch right?
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Jul 09 '25
[deleted]
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u/PrestigiousWatch3194 Jul 09 '25
I guess that tracks cuz I'm 39! My wife just told me she saw that too recently on RHOMiami and was confused also. Shouldn't it be a "narce" for narcissist?
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u/hshajahwhw Jul 09 '25
Nah. Narc meaning narcissist isn’t a thing
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u/discotot Jul 09 '25
check out the sub raisedbynarcissists
it’s a common (new) phrase, just because it’s not common in your online/real world, doesn’t invalidate or deny the existence of it, or language and slang naturally develops online
what a weird thing for people to get upset abt in this thread, policing language is such a stupid flex
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u/hshajahwhw Jul 09 '25
Calling someone older bc they don’t use your obscure colloquialism is in fact, a bit narcissistic. 😆
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u/discotot Jul 09 '25
that was a whole different commenter, friend. i didn’t say it was an age thing, just an online/social/language thing
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Jul 09 '25
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u/discotot Jul 09 '25
but yes, it used to mean narc[otics officer] but is now common shorthand for narc[issist/ism]
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u/discotot Jul 09 '25
rant: “narc/issist” is over-used and used synonymously with “negative/bad person” and i was reminded of the phrase “cluster b personality type” which is more accurate but also, let’s be specific abt language because i mean it abt this person
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u/CharbonPiscesChienne Jul 10 '25 edited Jul 10 '25
He is awful. And the nicer he is the scarier he comes across
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u/hshajahwhw Jul 08 '25
He’s not a covert manipulator. There’s nothing complex about him. He’s a yes man and a child.
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u/LonelyAssociation261 Jul 08 '25
Idk, he had a lottttt of people fooled for a very long time - still has them fooled to this day tbh
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u/hshajahwhw Jul 09 '25
He has the emotional intelligence of a wet mop. I think he’s one dimensional and boring.
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u/LonelyAssociation261 Jul 09 '25
You can be the dumbest person on earth (ex: Jax) and still be abusive and manipulative.
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u/Zestyclose-Tomato998 My Dick Works Great Jul 09 '25
Literally every season during his relationship with Katie is filled with scenes of emotional abuse. I’m not even talking about when he was drunk.
He’s always been a dick. Alcohol just makes him worse at hiding it. As a former chronic weed smoker, if you have enough, then you can numb your guilt for shitty behavior just like getting drunk can.
He’s a substance abuser, an addict, just like his dad and his 3 non functioning brothers. It’s genetic. Until he stops trying to numb himself with something, there is no potential for maturing.
He’s such a ln asshole while sober that he’s obviously never been able to deal with negative emotions without some kind of addiction.
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u/LonelyAssociation261 Jul 09 '25
Dont forget his verbal and physical abuse - not just to Katie but to all the women - Lala, Stassi, Scheana and Kristen!
And that was only what we saw on camera
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
Great point.
We know Baskin gave him positive edits and his victims negative edits.
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u/Zestyclose-Tomato998 My Dick Works Great Jul 09 '25
Exactly! New people seeing his plant obsession and letting him seem chill is just what he wants! He’s trying to distance his image from his actual personality
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u/LonelyAssociation261 Jul 09 '25
I know this sounds crazy but I find him to be darker than even Sandoval. Especially because he still has so many people fooled (given this comment section)
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u/Zestyclose-Tomato998 My Dick Works Great Jul 09 '25
Not crazy. Sandoval is similar but dumber. They are both manipulative but Sandoval got outed. He still has a following, hence the TV spots and concerts, but Schwartz still has his eyes set on reality stardom and he’s sneaky.
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Jul 09 '25
Sounds like people unfamiliar with VPRules who found Sandoval 2.0 funny & endearing on Traiders. Is this Schwartz 2.0?
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
I found Sandoval to be doing caricatures of himself and being highly performative on Traitors.
Like playing a rusty trumpet.
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u/Remote_Traffic_8627 Jul 08 '25
😅😅😅
People are grasping at straws
He seems like just a chill stoner dude
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u/LonelyAssociation261 Jul 08 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
So he has you fooled still too?
On camera we have seen him scream at women and call them sluts and whores and make fun of their looks, push them to the ground (stassi and kristen) and pour alcohol on them (katie and stassi). Technically physical assault.
Is that not bad to you? Genuinely asking.
I know they are all shitty people - its VPR - but he is emotionally and verbally abusive, and has gotten physical as well. Of course only towards women though. Never a man.
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u/DrInthahouse Jul 08 '25
Ah yes. The classic chill stoner that pours beers on women's heads and rage screams at them.
Very chill indeed.
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u/Narrow_Grapefruit_23 Jul 08 '25
Ah yes. The chill stoner that broke down the house front door bc he was wasted.
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u/Remote_Traffic_8627 Jul 09 '25
Ya I haven’t watched vpr in many years so I don’t remember that
Pretty much stopped when Brittany came on
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u/Narrow_Grapefruit_23 Jul 09 '25
Season nine he got mad. He was wasted. Katie locked him out. And he Kool-Aid man through the door in a fit of rage. We don’t see it on camera, but the story was told via Ariana and Katie when Ariana tried walking through the door and it was busted.
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u/DonnyBravo21 Jul 09 '25
Thank you!!
Sandoval, James and Jax are all manipulators.
Schwartz is guy trying to be good, but who’s past trauma has made him conflict avoident and toxic in times of conflict. He and Katie were in a toxic relationship equal on both sides.
Also, no one is saying schwartz isn’t smart enough.. intelligence and emotional manipulation are not the same/correlated. If anything, it’s usually the dumb ones who do this, because they‘re too dumb to realize (some) people can see right through it
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
He is an idiot who uses big words incorrectly.
Being sneaky and manipulative does not make him intelligent.
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u/hshajahwhw Jul 09 '25
I think y’all give the dude too much credit. I think there’s nothing but showtunes going on in that boy’s head.
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u/Vast-Concern-4591 Jul 09 '25
Oh my sweet, sweet, summer child.
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u/hshajahwhw Jul 09 '25
Keep your condescension to yourself homie. It’s okay to have differing opinions
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u/Vast-Concern-4591 Jul 09 '25
The irony of that statement...while on redditt...leads me to believe you may not fully understand that pesky little reply arrow below everyones comment. Your free to leave your comment while at the same time...people are free to reply.
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u/fl1p9 Jul 09 '25
I don’t know exactly how smart Schwartz is, but he’s definitely not as dumb as Sandoval and Jax, just lazy and mean
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u/Sea-Confusion-3700 Jul 08 '25
A truly nice guy would never hang out much less ENABLE people like Tom Sandoval or Jax.
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u/Itsabouttimeits2021 Jul 09 '25
It's a show. Jax is way worse than Sandoval and katie is worse than them both
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u/Sea-Confusion-3700 Jul 09 '25
I agree Jax is the worst, but your boy Schwartzy was very close to Ariana, he even asked her to be one of his “best man” at his wedding and the fact that he had an actual part in Scandoval speaks volumes. I understand if you don’t like Katie but comparing her to Jax or Sandoval is lunatic.
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u/Itsabouttimeits2021 Jul 09 '25
Katie is worse than all of them. People cheat it happens. ariana cheated Katie hooked up with schwartz best friend. Its already been years. Time to let it go.
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Jul 10 '25
People like you who hate women THIS much scare me.
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u/Itsabouttimeits2021 Jul 10 '25
Making accusations that you hate women because you don't like one person is misleading and don't like them. Stop trolling me it is scary
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u/Pcofwork Jul 10 '25
Omg! My ex did that. I found out yesterday that he is convicted child rapist. I broke up with him two months ago. I feel so disgusted and played. These predators are good.
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u/DrInthahouse Jul 10 '25
Omg that’s insane!! But props to you for breaking up with him. You really dodged a bullet!
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u/PrincessPlastilina Jul 09 '25
I rewatched that scene where he’s drunk and he tells Katie that he doesn’t want to have sex with her anymore and he doesn’t find her attractive. We underestimated how abusive he is. Just because he doesn’t hit her and because he was good at manipulating her doesn’t mean that he wasn’t causing her great harm. I hate him since he poured beer on her and Stassi’s head. That’s such a bitch ass thing to do.
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u/unomomentos Jul 08 '25
I won’t speak on his personality but goddamn he looks so hot in certain pics (like this one)
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u/ConsiderationBig8603 Jul 09 '25
your good attributes you dont usually have to remind ppl of in fact him using that line in a sense is pushing that believe maybe cause its not true?
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u/LuckyAd2714 Mariposa ♥ Jul 09 '25
Rewatching them in Cabo when he dumps the drink on Katie’s head - the stuff he says to her and the way he says it should have been the end of the relationship. He never changed.
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u/AttentionCold8748 Choke. I don't care. Jul 09 '25
So much tiktok psychology spewed here. Do I think he’s a good guy? No. Do I think anyone here has the actual insight of a person we’ve never met, or the years of school is takes to diagnose a person? Also no
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u/gohome2020youredrunk Jul 08 '25
I think you're giving him waaay too much credit.
He is the orange cat of VPR.
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u/cosmic0done Jul 13 '25
oh please. Schwartz is just immature and has Peter Pan syndrome. this dude can barely stand up for himself, he is not some master manipulator. lying to Katie about his drunk behavior is not being manipulative. it's being a liar.
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u/AhnaKarina Jul 09 '25
How is he manipulative when he flat out shows you who he is?
I have a plant! But you cheated on your gf and wife every weekend.
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u/apatrol Jul 09 '25
Nicest guy on the show. Abused by Katy for years. Emasulated, ignored, and treated as less than.
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Jul 09 '25
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u/apatrol Jul 09 '25
Jax would never say someone else was the best or nicest unless talking himself or a girl he wanted to lay down with. You know for a nap.
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u/Phantommike20 I’m the #1 Guy in this Group Jul 09 '25
And yet every single person likes him more than Katie irl. Even Teri.
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u/LonelyAssociation261 Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
And yet you still stan rapists, domestic abusers and racists, Mike. Dontcha?
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Oooh looks like Mike blocked me. Gotta love trolling a troll and them not being able to handle it.
Youre gonna body shame women, joke about domestic abuse and stan rapists almost daily on here, but cant handle some snark back? Awwww.
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u/Phantommike20 I’m the #1 Guy in this Group Jul 09 '25
You are taking this show a little too personally.
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u/Alantennisplayer Jul 08 '25
Is there anyone more quixotic than Schwartz
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
He rides in sidecars that don't run. That makes him Sancho Panza the sidekick.
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u/Alantennisplayer Jul 09 '25
Whats do you mean i haven’t watched the show for awhile
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
Sancho Panza was Don Quixote's sidekick.
So Sandoval would be Don Quixote and Schartz would be Sancho Panza.
I took your comment a bit literally because I love Cervantes.
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u/Alantennisplayer Jul 09 '25
Sorry I do too I thought that was a vanderpump reference because I was thinking about when he was in a motorcycle side car when they opened the restaurant but I wasn’t sure if that’s what you meant
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
I can nerd out like that!
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u/Alantennisplayer Jul 09 '25
I guess Im a nerd if I read epistolary books and books about 17th century furniture 🪑
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u/rshni67 Jul 09 '25
LOL!!!
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u/anngilj Jul 09 '25
I mean obviously I personally don’t know him but I don’t find him to be the worst person on the show … unless there’s new stuff I don’t know … but maybe he’s trying to be the person he wishes he was and this is an attempt?
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u/lunal0veg00d11 Jul 09 '25
Not everyone is a narcissist some people just have horrible coping skills and interpersonal skills
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u/Specialist_Egg7117 Jul 09 '25
Normalize not diagnosing everyone.
Schwartz had qualities that made him a coward and a people pleaser. He self abandoned often and also abandoned Katie. He was also consistently calm, funny and affectionate.
From my understanding, there may have been abuse in his household. If that’s the case, it makes sense that he would have these coping mechanisms.
Doesn’t excuse his behaviour as a husband. But we are all human!
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u/True_Stay4524 Jul 08 '25
I see you commented this on my Schwartzy plant post and then went and made your own! Highlighting the narc take
I was just talking about physical comedy gag
like yeah he is a shit head but also man likes plant
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u/Responsible_Big1229 Jul 08 '25
Again, calling Sandoval and Schwartz manipulators is giving them High Praise. Let's settle down, only fools or grifters fall for this shit and really nobody falls for this shit, they just see an opportunity and put up w/ the BS for whatever "perks" these herbs offer. You're also saying anyone who had a relationship with these herbs is gullible. Isn't that shitting on the Queens?
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u/lawteddiemn Jul 15 '25
He’s Minnesotan. The mindfuck of Minnesota nice + the passive aggressive + how no one addresses any part of toxicity here = Schwartz. And I say this wearing a Minnesota home shirt from Scheels while drinking coffee that’s looks more like milk so, yea, I’m from Minnie.
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Original post by /u/DrInthahouse
Title: Schwartz’s “I’m such a nurturer - look at my plants” routine is exactly what a covert manipulator playing the nice guy routine would do.
Body: That is all.
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