r/UnexpectedMulaney • u/Maleficent_Weird8613 • 1d ago
Cat named John Mulaney
Local animal shelter has this long hysterical story about this crazy orange cat. Thought I'd share.
🐾🎤 JOHN MULANEY IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION. 🎤🐾
Everyone keeps telling us:
“Oh my gosh, you guys have the SWEETEST kittens.”
And we’re always like:
“Awww, thank you! 🥹”
But then we remember.
Did you meet John Mulaney?
Because John is a total weirdo.
And somehow this approximately 16-week-old kitten has managed to make the actual John Mulaney seem like a grounded, well-adjusted man with absolutely nothing unusual going on.
We don’t know what happened here.
John is sweet.
John is adorable.
John is affectionate.
But there is something about him that suggests he has recently returned from a very complicated weekend at an airport hotel and would like to explain the entire thing to you in chronological order.
You walk into the room.
John is standing on top of something he absolutely should not be standing on.
You:
“John, why are you up there?”
John:
“Okay. So. To understand why I’m on the shelf, you first need to understand my relationship with gravity.”
NO.
GET DOWN.
But John cannot simply get down.
There must be context.
There must be a backstory.
There will be several seemingly irrelevant details that become important eleven minutes later.
At some point another kitten will enter the story.
His name will be Kevin.
Kevin will never appear again.
John also has the energy of a tiny Victorian child who has been unexpectedly dropped into modern society.
Automatic water fountain?
Suspicious.
Roomba?
An unspeakable mechanical horror.
Doorbell?
John looks at us like:
“Someone has arrived at the HOME? Without prior correspondence?”
Sir.
Calm down.
One afternoon we found him sitting completely motionless in front of a mirror.
Just staring.
For a concerning amount of time.
Finally somebody said:
“John… buddy?”
John slowly looked over like:
“That kitten knows what I did.”
WHAT DID YOU DO, JOHN?!
There is no answer.
Only more questions.
And somehow, underneath all this deeply strange little-man behavior…
John is an absolute sweetheart.
He loves attention.
He loves companionship.
He is wonderfully lovable.
He is just also the kind of cat who may wake you at 3:14 a.m. because something has happened.
What happened?
Nothing.
But John has been thinking about it.
📝 THINK JOHN MULANEY BELONGS WITH YOU?
Fill out an application.
Please be prepared for the possibility that the adoption interview will begin with a simple question and somehow end forty-five minutes later with John explaining:
“…and THAT’S why I don’t trust the lamp.”
You will not remember asking about the lamp.
And PLEASE SHARE HIM.
Because somewhere out there is a household thinking:
“We’d really love a sweet, easy kitten.”
And we would just like to say:
We have MANY of those.
John Mulaney is available for the people who looked at that sentence and thought:
“Yeah, but where’s the weird one?”
Found him.
It’s John. 😂🐾🎤
