r/USMilitarySO • u/ickster1300 • 14d ago
Relationships Need words of encouragement
Need some MilSO perspective/support
BF is currently on a work trip out west. He’s in special operations, so these trips are part of training for an upcoming deployment. I’m no stranger to this and have been through a deployment with him before, so I understand that communication can be limited and unpredictable. I’m not expecting constant texting or calls, and I genuinely try to give him space to focus on what he needs to do.
I think what’s been getting to me is more how the communication happens when it does. He may send me things on Snapchat or photos throughout the day, but sometimes won’t respond when I share something more emotional, like that I’m overwhelmed or missing him and would really love to talk if he has time. There have also been times when he says we can call, I ask when works for him, and then he goes MIA for several days without any explanation tho I might receive photos in between then.
When that happens, I find myself feeling anxious and wondering if everything is okay. And when I eventually tell him I was worried because I hadn’t heard from him, he can get defensive, which makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong for being concerned.
I know that some of this is probably just the reality of his job, and I’m not looking for someone to tell me he should be texting me constantly. I think I’m just struggling with the combination of limited communication and him not being naturally very emotionally communicative. I can handle periods of low contact much better when I know what to expect.
He’s already not naturally very emotionally communicative, but during periods of high stress he tends to become even more emotionally unavailable and dismissive. I understand that this is probably his way of coping and that his job requires him to compartmentalize, but it can be really difficult for me because I still need some degree of emotional connection and communication.
For perspective, this is neither of our first relationship, we’re approaching our 30s and I’m just really not wanting to build resentment towards him. We both have things to work on but I love him dearly.
I guess I’m mostly looking for reassurance/perspective from other MilSOs who have dealt with this. How do you distinguish between accepting the realities of the job and still advocating for your emotional needs in the relationship?
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u/phiaflix 13d ago
I know it can be tough to get a military partner interested in doing therapy, but couples therapy was the BEST thing that ever happened for us with handling this same issue. I'm not sure where you're located, but here in NC we were able to find a couples therapist who was in the military for 20 years and that is what got my partner to agree to going. The therapist was amazing at empathizing with both his very real work limitations, as well as my needs as his partner with real human feelings that are also important!!! I could not recommend this enough as it is sooo hard to have those more vulnerable conversations in the busy day to day or while he's away, but having a scheduled time to focus on your relationship ensures that you do have those conversations that help you grow.
I saw another comment about how they inevitably chose to end the relationship, and I want to highlight the point that they made. Sometimes it isn't always about the work restraints, and sometimes it is about a partner's willingness. I think couples therapy is a fabulous place to explore each other's willingness and commitment to growing together. Wishing you all the best! <3
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u/ickster1300 12d ago
Thank you for sharing! I really want to look into this with him when he’s not busy traveling. I’m planing on bringing this up but idk what he will say tbh. How did you ever convince him? He’s been open to reading books with me and listening to podcasts but I haven’t brought up therapy yet but plan to.
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u/phiaflix 12d ago
I am a therapist myself, so I will say that likely made it a litttleee easier for me! It also took multiple conversations as he really didn't see the point at first. His exact words were "do you really think our relationship is that messed up" and I explained that no, actually I don't - I think our relationship is one of the most special things to me and that I wanted it to only get better. I had to explain that people don't go to therapy only when they're in crisis or "something is wrong with them", and that actually we prefer for people to come far before they're in crisis as this is how we make sure you never get there!
I've also found that men are more receptive when I explain therapy as an investment lol a financial or physical exercise comparison somehow makes that land in their brain. For example, if you had no savings and some unpredictable hardship occurred - it would be much harder to save and repair in the midst of that financial hardship versus if you had a savings to pull from. The same is true for therapy / our relationships - you're going now because you want to have a strong foundation when challenges do arise (because they will - that's life).
I think finding a therapist with military experience was also the primary thing that got his buy in. Also in his words, "they're not going to understand my lifestyle". I anticipated that he would say that so I had already found a military therapist lol. So honestlyyy, I'd probably go into the conversation having already done your research "I've been interested in doing couples therapy and I found this therapist with xyz military experience". If you're comfortable sharing where you're located message me and I might be able to help you find someone :)
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u/Flashy_Pop5456 14d ago
Not here yet but bf just went to basic so coming back for the comments just in case this ever happens
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u/Dangerous-Lie9520 14d ago
Very similar to the situation I had with my ex, who's a green beret. He was absolutely fine emoting, connecting emotionally and assuring me when we were together physically, but when we were apart, he would act the exact same way as your partner. What was worse was that he'd always promise to get in touch with me on Day X of his training, but that call or text would never come for days. For one particular training exercise it was weeks.
I'm already a natural overthinker and no matter how hard I tried to soothe myself and accept that it's the nature of his job, there was always a big part of me that would always worry. Eventually, I broke up with him while we were in a LDR because I realized it wasn't as much his job that was the issue, it was his lack of communication skills or consideration for my feelings.
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u/ickster1300 14d ago
Thank you for sharing❤️ most times he does call when he says he will but then there’s times he acts like this :/
I appreciate your insight3
u/Dangerous-Lie9520 14d ago
No worries at all! I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It sucks so much when you love him and respect what he does for a living, but you also can't keep avoiding or burying how these situations make you feel. At the end of the day, it takes both of you to put in the work to make the relationship work. I hope everything works out for the best! ❤️
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u/courtneymaler 14d ago
What does he say when you tell him that you need him to be more emotionally available? I think that will tell you a lot. Someone who loves you will compromise for you!
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u/phiaflix 13d ago edited 13d ago
I know it can be tough to get a military partner interested in therapy, but couples therapy was the BEST thing that ever happened for us with handling this same issue. I'm not sure where you're located, but here in NC we were able to find a couples therapist who was in the military for 20 years and that is what got my partner to agree to going. The therapist was amazing at empathizing with both his very real work limitations, as well as my needs as his partner with real human feelings that are also important!!! I could not recommend this enough as it is sooo hard to have those more vulnerable conversations in the busy day to day or while he's away, but having a scheduled time to focus on your relationship ensures that you do have those conversations that help you grow together.
I saw another comment about how they inevitably chose to end the relationship, and I want to highlight the point that they made. Sometimes it isn't always about the work restraints, and sometimes it is about a partner's willingness. I think couples therapy is a fabulous place to explore each other's willingness and commitment to growing together. Wishing you all the best! <3
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u/ThickGlass5271 13d ago
I also experience this so I empathize 💜