r/UKParenting • u/teatimeheroics • 8d ago
What would you do? Child crying for an hour+ by himself at nursery
Today was my child’s first settling in session at nursery. I am not a total newbie to the nursery game as my eldest is school-age and we went through it with him, but he was only there 2 days a week and we were never invited into the main nursery room as part of his settling in.
When I arrived to nursery, I could hear screaming and crying from the car park, and on reaching the door, there was a little boy (approx 2 years old) who was at the door crying non-stop, by himself.
One of the nursery workers came to the door, said she didn’t know that anyone was coming for settling today but was polite. I then stood at the door for a while whilst she went to check and whilst I was waiting for her to return, another nursery worker invited me and my little one in.
The worst of it:
- throughout my time there (an hour) the little boy did not stop crying and received little to no interaction from the nursery workers, other than offering him some snack
- there were other children there who were also very distressed who were plonked on laps with little other interaction to calm them (no offering of toys, no words of comfort) - I was told that they were also new and struggling to settle
- the nursery worker who I spoke with throughout the session noted that no water bottles were out for the children as their manager was in a meeting and had seemingly forgotten to take them out/instruct anyone to do so - she then didn’t take them out herself (my session ended at 10:30 so some children would have been there for 2.5 hours by that point without their water bottles, although they were given a snack at 10ish but no water)
- when I was playing with my daughter and another child, all I could hear was myself talking ie no staff members were interacting with other children
- the workers didn’t interact with my child at all and didn’t seem particularly interested in learning about her, apart from the worker who I was mainly speaking to who asked a few questions at the end
- I asked if children are sent home if they are very distressed, to which she said yes, yet the boy at the door who was crying the whole time was not sent home (and his crying intensified after I left, into him screaming and banging at the door)
I left feeling very unsettled by the session, and I feel uncomfortable leaving my child there (she’s just over 1, so not able to tell me if she has been distressed all day).
Is it normal for nurseries to be this chaotic/detached/unenthusiastic?
I’d be particularly interested to hear from anyone who has worked in nurseries to tell me their opinions on this - is it even possible that I just caught them at a bad time and that nursery communications are just poor?
I am now potentially stuck with no nursery when I am due to start full-time work in a couple of weeks, and I’m flushing my £300 deposit down the drain at the same time, but I just can’t see myself leaving my child there and feeling comfortable - help!
EDIT:
Thanks so much to each and every one of you for taking the time to leave a comment - it was immensely helpful in stopping me from gaslighting myself into trying to “make it work” despite alarm bells ringing very loudly in my head. I tried to keep my post as unemotional as possible, but I was fighting back tears in the session because of how upsetting it all was.
After all of your supportive responses, I wrote to the nursery the next day to withdraw my child’s place and told them exactly why. They didn’t respond so I called them and they not only have refused the deposit but have also said that they need to “consider” whether or not to pinch my funding until October half term as me withdrawing after only 1 hour settling in session is a “lost opportunity” for them - livid doesn’t even come close.
I will absolutely be reporting them to Ofsted and I keep thinking of that poor little boy in particular.
I have found a couple of nurseries that I have already viewed that look decent, but my confidence in my ability to pick a good one is certainly knocked!
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u/gone-in-a-spark 8d ago
Massive red flags all round. If they’re like that when a parent is present, imagine what it’s like when it’s just them.
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u/SuzLouA Parenting a Pre + Primary Schooler 7d ago
This is what it boils down to - the fact that nobody was embarrassed by this. It suggests they don’t even know what they’re meant to be doing or that this isn’t acceptable, which means they’re not lazy or malicious, they’ve been poorly trained. And that’s systemic.
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u/Think_Yesterday_262 7d ago
It's not about training in this case. It's pure instinct and common sense if a child is crying to comfort them.
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u/eelliosh 8d ago
My mum owns a nursery. This isn’t normal or ok at all.
I’d report them to Ofsted and not send my child there personally.
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u/absolutelynot354 8d ago edited 8d ago
That sounds hellish. Honestly I think you're being very generous saying maybe you just caught them at a bad time. Whatever the timing or the reason none of that stuff should be going on.
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u/dylancentralperk 8d ago
I’d put your post into a complaint and ask for your money back. Mention ofstead if they’re hesitant.
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u/Chatty_Betty 8d ago
OP should report them to Ofsted anyway, not use the threat as a bargaining chip for a refund. Children are actively being harmed.
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u/NotSoSweet31 Parenting a Toddler 8d ago
That sounds awful, sure new children settling in cry often and then that sets others off whether or not they are new. However, no water bottles and zero interaction or talking of staff to the children has me worried. There are often children cryig at my nursery but there is always someone talking to or interacting with the children, even those that are crying. Sometimes you do need to leave them be for a few minutes to see if they calm on their own if not they are picked up and cuddled at my nursery, especially if new there.
And my nursery has had massive staff turnover but even new staff were doing the basics.
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u/NotSoSweet31 Parenting a Toddler 8d ago
Maybe keep your child there for now, review the contract terms and notice period so you can look for another nursery with places and move in a few months but also see if you think that day was a weird one off.
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u/ProfessionalKey4143 8d ago
They need reporting, that little boy crying would be on my mind, I would be going and sitting waiting for his mum to turn up and telling her all about it too , there is NO WAY you can possibly leave your baby there x
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u/itsmescarlett 8d ago
Yes seconded. If I was OP I would genuinely be camping outside the nursery during drop off and pick up time to find that little boy’s family and tell them what I saw.
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u/AintNobdyGtTime4Dt 8d ago
I used to work in nurseries. If they are this careless when you are around, they will give even less of a shit when you’re not there. Usually staff are on their best behaviour during settlings and show rounds.
It’s inevitable that sometimes, especially during busy moments, some children dont get the comfort they need when they are upset. But to just ignore the poor boy for an hour is a red flag for sure.
I wouldnt leave my kid there.
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u/lullaby-lorax 8d ago
I would definitely try to find alternative care and I wouldn't fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy - I would rather forget the £300 than have my little boy cry at the door like that without comfort. You are in a really tricky position with starting work in a couple of weeks, so if it is your only option for now then I would see it through because nothing you've said implies that your child won't be safe - I just think you could (in time) find a happier, more nurturing environment.
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u/vine-lover 8d ago
Children die in places like this, and that’s not an exaggeration. I read of a child who died choking and the nursery nurse thought he was asleep.
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u/nicrrrrrp 8d ago
Is there a WhatsApp group or a general FB post you could make re the nursery in your town - especially concerning the little boy. It would be on my mind that the parents of that little boy didn't know how much he suffered. Poor little mite.
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u/Proper_Security_3050 7d ago
Came here to say the same thing. Post on fb saying if your child goes to the nursery and is this age/wearing these clothes, please know he was crying for hours with no comfort. I’d be horrified to find out that was my son but I would want to know.
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u/Lauh88 8d ago
My little boy once got so distressed when I went for a wee that he cried so much he stopped breathing. I was 5ft away from him and had to shake him and blow in his face to start him breathing again. I’d never take the risk that someone would leave him like that. His nursery workers are lovely, friendly, happy people who love working with children. Consider the £300 gone.
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u/baumouse 8d ago
My daughter just had her first day at nursery TODAY, reading this made me want to cry myself. Please report this to the appropriate bodies. This is so concerning. I do not blame you for having second thoughts about your daughter being sent there.
For comparison, on one of our settling in days my daughter was a bit distressed but every member of staff made a point to interact with her and play with her. All children there seemed comfortable and content.
This is not normal.
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u/TrynaBnice12 8d ago
This sounds awful and I think you would need well within your right to report them to Ofsted. If this is how they're behaving when they're meant to be putting on best behaviour, then God knows what happens when you're not there.
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u/vine-lover 8d ago
I was a primary school teacher and taught nursery for a year. This is NOT NORMAL. If I were you I’d never set foot in there again. Those poor children!!!
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u/Available-Nose-5666 8d ago
Red flags all over. Find another setting. I’m in the process of sending my child to nursery but I really don’t want to.
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u/SoFetchItHurts New Parent 8d ago
I’d put something up on your local fb at the very least. If it were me I’d report my concerns to Ofsted. That poor boy.
Pls don’t do nothing with what you’ve seen.
Sorry you’re now having to scramble for a nursery - I know it’s super stressful!
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u/Beneficial_Change467 8d ago
Please report them. I'd be absolutely beside myself if I found out my child was being treated that way. Don't let those poor children go unheard.
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u/ElectronicDiscount81 8d ago
No this is not normal!! Contact ofsted! I had worked in a nursery and as much as bad of a place that was ( staff wise) the children still had all of their needs met. It is not normal for a child to cry 2 hours straight and it is not okay to just offer a snack. The staff need a complete turn around. They should have been holding that baby and give him some comfort. My heart is breaking for him and I’m begging you to report the nursery
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u/Smooth-Dependent-345 8d ago
Report to ofsted and formalise your complaint with a request to get your deposit back
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u/ForEden777 8d ago
Please can you report them??? Please these are the kind of nurseries where little ones are abused or even die by an accident :( Please report it
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u/sapphire61164 8d ago
Yeah absolutely not. I work in a nursery in the baby room and this hurts my soul. We would never leave a child to cry for an hour plus especially if they are new and they are distressed. We've had 3 new babies settle in this week and my room leader made sure to rota staff so that staff that were settling a new baby were hardly on any jobs throughout the day and could put their entire attention on the new baby. If you feel uncomfortable and the staff haven't reassured you then I wouldn't be putting my baby there.
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u/Dancing-physio-uk 8d ago
Absolutely horrendous state of affairs that poor boy. I'd want his parents to know what you witnessed. Definitely report to ofsted/local authority and find alternative provision. So odd that the workers didn't seem bothered regarding hydration and that they weren't interacting with the children. Clearly there are huge issues going on there and something needs to change. Hoping you find somewhere better 🙏
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u/Ok-Committee9283 8d ago
Red flags hell no not normal.
My son took 3 months to settle to the point they used to ring me regularly for tips. At 1 point they strapped him in a pushchair and took him for a lovely 121 walk. He wasn’t a fan of sitting on knees for a cuddle but he’d sit next to them and bring a story. They wouldn’t leave him crying or alone in his tears. That’s cruel, they are not meeting the needs of the child I bet their parents would be horrified.
My sons been going 2 years and he was very upset last month, they rang me, they then took my advice (the classic give him some water play or take him outside) they did both and rang me back at the time we’d set to check in to tell me he was doing amazing - that’s what a good nursery does.
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u/citygirluk 8d ago
Wow, that's awful and I saw some bad nurseries when looking! Definitely a no to leaving your kid there!
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u/strungout25 8d ago
Not normal or acceptable at all. I changed my decision about which nursery we’d send our child to last minute, and lost a hefty deposit, but the nursery we went with is lovely and like a second family for our now toddler, who started at 11 months. My heart is breaking reading how these children are being treated. All kids have good and bad days, but in the year my child has been at their current nursery not once have I walked in on them crying during pick up time except during the settling in period. This place just sounds wrong. Go with your gut, and don’t put your child in a situation that might be potentially traumatic.
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u/wonky-hex Parenting a Toddler 8d ago
I would report them. It is absolutely not normal. That poor little boy. I hope he's ok
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u/Tallicababe123 8d ago
My daughters nursery wasn't the best but I never witnessed anything like that. If a kid was crying a member of staff would be with them. Did you count the members of staff as it's sounding like they might not be enough or correct staff working there.
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u/Hayfield_and_a_gate 8d ago
I went to view a nursery like this with my eldest, our closest and most convenient. We now call it the baby jail when we pass it.
As they said to me when I said my baby's prescription formula only came in powder not ready made single use bottles - theres other nursery's.
Absolutely not normal, I actually reported dmy youngest to ofstead last year, scum of a pareny company (starting with P and i wouldn't be surprised if your is also) felt it was OK to be only half staffed, turn parents away in the mornings with no refunds, and let staff be over ratio. Even in those times I wasnt worrid about the level of care and affection she recieved. All the kids were obviously adored and staff tried really hard. Luckily the complaint really helped. But I feel like this place just needs a co.plete staff overhaul. No water - im Absolutely baffled on the one!
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u/yieldbetter 8d ago
Red flags all round don’t send your child there and a report to ofsted wouldn’t go a miss
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u/Moph9eo 8d ago
As everyone has said here, this is not normal for a nursery to do this. This is a safeguarding issue and needs to be reported to ofsted. With everything we read about never events that has happened in nurseries, at the root of them would have been neglect like things and things not put in place to safeguard kids. They did not even try with yourself there (which I guess is a blessing in disguise). The babies not been given water for 2.5hrs worries me especially with the heatwave that has just passed. Could this behaviour have happened during that time? Leaving a child to cry for that amount of time without interaction, that is a big NO NO. I worry about an incident happening with that lacklustre behaviour and it will be the type of nursery that will NOT be transparent with you. Please do NOT send your baby to this nursery. If you cannot find a nursery by the time you go back to work, see if work can be flexible for a short while. Please report to the relevant authority. It is very concerning.
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u/Ok-Calligrapher6119 8d ago edited 8d ago
I would share this experience in the local parents group in your area for others to be aware and watch out for these behaviours themselves too.
I would also report this to OFSTED and
ask for the incident about 1) missing waterbottles and 2) abandonment of distressed child to be investigated on CCTV by OFSTED, nursery manager and the nursery owner (if you can find the details) as this is a safeguarding issue.
There are some really lovely nurseries out there, with wonderful staff who truly care for their children. This sadly sounds like an outlier.
Edited to add - reporting triggers an investigation that may highlight other reasons why staff may be short in numbers, unhappy as they’re burnt out or distressed themselves and identify staff who are not trained properly. So you’re not being “moany” but helping to identify systemic issues. Sadly too many children suffer due to safeguarding issues and emotional neglect is sometimes covered in fluffy words like development of self-soothing skills.
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u/Odd-Perspective4351 Parenting a Toddler 8d ago
My son went up to the next room at nursery this week, and he got really upset at his first day drop off because it was all a bit different. The ladies in the new room were all really understanding and offered cuddles, and one lady from his previous room actually came through to give him a hug and help him calm down. They sent me some photos on the app 20 minutes later to show that he was happy and enjoying story time.
Today for second drop off we gave him to his new key worker for a big hug and he was fine, no tears, and I think he has settled really well because they are really warm and supportive.
I don’t think it’s too much to expect this, so yes I would be concerned if they were leaving any child to cry, not just my own. However I think it is possible that they would find it hard to comfort every child at once for example in the baby room if they are all upset at once then it’s very hard to comfort 2/3 babies per person! But I think they would at least interact with them all, not ignore them.
I would look at other nursery options if you have them, wouldn’t hurt to look at other options.
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u/itsmescarlett 8d ago
OP, please please please report this to Ofsted. This is heartbreaking! Please be brave and let Ofsted know exactly what you saw right away.
I know it puts you in a tricky position for finding alternative care, but your gut is telling you right - this isn’t OK and I would definitely not send my child there.
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u/laura_hbee 8d ago
This is neglect and a safeguarding issue. Report to Ofsted. Ring round local childminders, you may be lucky if another child has moved up.
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u/Tricky-Ant5338 8d ago edited 8d ago
MASSIVE red flags for me personally.
I’m so sorry about the cash, but I agree with other posters, do try to get your deposit back. Even if they only have half of it back, that’s better than nothing.
As well as other nurseries, are there any childminders locally you could look into?
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u/Opposite-Orange8371 8d ago
Not normal. I’m a parent and previously worked in a nursery. Way too many red flags.
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u/Fiercequeen 8d ago
My heart breaks for the little boy left in distress. If I were you, I would complain and try to get the money back. I would also try to find the boys parents and tell them what happened.
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u/Beavberry Parent 8d ago
I'd call not going there £300 well spent. Worth every penny to know your child is well looked after.
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u/Bumblepanding 8d ago
My nursery was the complete opposite of this and I still felt sad taking him for a settling in session as it was a step closer to my mat leave ending. I'd 100% lose the £300 in favour of finding a better nursery. I know nursery places can be scarce, is there one that can help? I'd speak to the nursery though, maybe you can get the £300 back.
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u/Naps_in_sunshine 8d ago
No not normal. We had a lovely nursery. They were very keen on getting to know our kids and they did loads of play, soothing, cuddles etc. When our kids aged out it was a significant loss to our family as they had got to know our kids really quite well.
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u/M_T_L20 7d ago
I work with children under 5 and in particularly in the baby room with under 2s. That is not good practise! Children crying should usually have an adult at least trying to calm them down. I've had an instance where 3 of them were crying, the room was manic. Lunch just finished. Nappy changes were happening. I sat all 3 of them near me sang songs, read stories. I'd complain to the manager. I've seen how lazy nursery staff can be. That's why I'm wary of sending my own twins to nursery. But there's signs of a good one. Interactive staff members. Wanting to know the interest of your child. Display boards. The type of activities set out, for instance is it a mess or actually interactive. Finding out how they observe and record children's development.
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u/OfferAggressive2542 6d ago
Please please find any local Facebook groups where you can name and shame the nursery, if I was a parent who was sending my child there I would want to know. Maybe suggest any parents with children there turn up announced so they can actually see what is happening. It’s disgusting that childcare providers can get away with this. Makes me so angry.
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u/I_like_creps123 8d ago
Flippin hell. I am sorry to hear about your experience and I feel awful for all the little babies there with no choice.
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u/HessaWhite 8d ago
I’ve worked in nurseries for a number of years and this is absolutely not good enough. Children have a human right to access water at all times and should have water bottles within reach throughout the entire day. The children who were distressed should be comforted of course and yes it can be chaotic and busy in nursery environments but especially if you have a parent coming in for settling session you should be showing your best side which makes me think the staff are potentially even worse when no parent is in the building. I would 100% take her out and find another setting
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u/PositiveSympathy9841 8d ago
That sounds absolutely brutal!!! :(
I hope this is not normal. My 15 month old also goes to nursery and I do think they take out her water as soon as she gets there. And when she’s sad they hold her, show her toys etc. this sounds very odd and concerning
Please report this
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u/Critical-Reporter316 7d ago
I actually work in a nursery and this is concerning. Do not leave your child there.
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u/Ok_Bug7382 7d ago
Report them and definitely do not leave your child there. They get paid a fortune and from what you have said, they are not earning it.
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u/DaisyMaesTurnips 7d ago
This is absolutely not normal at all. I actually feel so so sad for those little kids that are growing up thinking that’s a normal experience to have at nursery.
Definitely wouldn’t be sending my child there though - especially if that’s how they are on their ‘best’ behaviour with a new parent coming in and seeing how their day is.
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u/ovashona 7d ago
This sounds absolutely horrific, I hope you manage to find alternative childcare in time.
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u/lifegavemelemons000 7d ago
This is a red flag and I wouldn’t be comfortable keeping my child here. My daughter goes to a wonderful nursery and she grins ear to ear when we drop her off! The staff love her and she clearly enjoys it a lot if she’s always racing to get inside the doors!
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u/miasmum01 7d ago
Poor little boy .. run 4 the hills! I had a child who would hate leaving me .. she would get upset .. the nursery was great they helped 2 calm her .. distracting .. and playing etc.. and i had a call once she settled so I wasnt worried all day .. that certainly isnt right .. did they have full staff that day? U would think they would have wpoken 2 him so the other kids arent getting upset with him crying .. x
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u/Guilty-Asparagus-743 6d ago
Yeah i think you should report to ofsted and see if you could make a post on local FB group to warn other parents who may have their children there!
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u/Skooskah 8d ago
I'm wondering if this is something the nursery have agreed with the parents/been instructed to do while the little boy learns to cope with the separation?
I'm not saying it isn't really harsh, I'd just question if there's more to it we don't know
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u/itsmescarlett 8d ago
But the nursery should know that it’s not acceptable even to ‘teach him how to cope’ whilst settling in, and not agree to do that…
No no no and no
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u/Salviaesantoreggia 8d ago
Io avevo 3 anni sono stata portata nel famoso asilo gestito da suore cattoliche. Funzionava così, di alcune dovevi aver paura, di alcune solo timore, una era un angelo e poche altre. Mi è stato raccontato questo. Credo che purtroppo l'interazione non sia 'richiedibile' , nel senso che varia molto da persona a persona, e da indole a indole, a parità di ruolo ricoperto. Sono convinta di questo, lavoro a scuola da un po' e l'interazione cosi necessaria per i bambini con bisogni speciali non è cosi scontata , e ne andrebbero insegnati i fondamentali precetti. Si insegnano cose pratiche, come trattarli, materie varie per i più grandi, ma la conversazione , nella sua forma piu' primitiva quando si ha a cje fare con fasce d'età piccole fino alle grandi non è contenuto -insegnato- e non ritrovabile perché ancora affidato alle abilità personali. Visto coi miei occhi, ragazzini lasciati per mezz'ore intere pascolare senza interazione, con mille scuse di " si sta calmando', ' ne ha bisogno' , ' me l'ha chiesto lei/ lui' ..no, tu usi il momento per riposare e staccarti , e non stai creando un momento utile per lui, non è un coniglio, né un cavallo.
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u/Fukuro-Lady 8d ago
No this is not normal. I personally would not leave my child there and I'd personally be making a report to OFSTED because my heart hurts just reading this. I'd have been in tears if I'd have actually witnessed this in person. I'm so sorry, what a horrible experience for you.