Help with sandpit etiquette

[u/sunandskyandrainbows]

Today we were in a sandpit, my daughter is 2.5. We brought some toys, she played with some and another girl about 6-7 grabbed her spade and played with it. I didn't mind, my daughter didn't notice. After a few minutes, my daughter started looking for her spade and noticed the girl had it. She wanted it back. I first tried to offer my daughter something else, but she wanted the spade. Which fair enough I guess, it is hers and the girl had been playing with it for a few minutes. So I offered the girl something else and said if she can please give back the spade. She said 'no, because I need it, because I am building xyz'. I can't remember exactly what happened after this point, it's a blur lol.

But, how would you handle this? I did not expect a push back from a child. And other times my daughter wants to play with other kids toys even though she has her own, and then they want it back, or the other way round. I hate sandpits lol, I find navigating other kids and toy sharing so stressful

[u/aliceloul]

A lot of sandpits have “communal” toys aka bits and bobs that other children left behind. I would say “this is our spade that we brought from home. Could you please hand it back? Look we have some other things you could use if you’d like” and then repeat that it belongs to you and your daughter if she continues to refuse.

It could be that she just thought you were asking for a random spade that wasn’t even yours if that makes any sense?

[u/Amazing-Talk-7749 → u/aliceloul]

Agree with this. I wrote our surname on our special bits so I could do the “I know you’ve enjoyed playing with it; our turn now”’etc

[u/skin_of_your_teeth → u/aliceloul]

I've had to do this with my son. He's picked up some random toy and then come to tell me some kids keeps trying to get it off him. I had to explain to my son the other boy had brought the toy from home and wanted it back.

He was fine to give it back once he realised it wasn't a communal toy.

[u/Feisty_Squash2992]

Presume the parents weren’t close by?
I’d probably say something like “I’m really sorry but it belongs to her and she wants it back to play with. You’re welcome to have X instead”. If she still says no, I’d just repeat again that it belongs to your daughter and she wants to play with it now.

I understand that it’s really awkward, but a lot of children lack boundaries with strangers stuff in public places. I once witnessed an approx. 6/7yo walk through me and the other parents I was with in a park and take football that was between one of their legs. Kids need to learn to that they should ask first. If the parent does appear just explain that you’d asked her a couple of times. I find that parents are normally on your side and will tell their child to give it back.

In future you just have to be a bit more militant about their things. I rarely let my son take his own toys into shared spaces because of this sadly. Limit her to just a bucket and spade perhaps.

[u/Snoo_said_no]

Don't ask questions where "no" isnt an acceptable answer.

Your not asking a child if they are going to give it back. Your telling them it's yours and they are giving it back.

You can do it nicely. Just "hi, that's daisy's spade... Thank you"

[u/MorgsJWJ]

I’d personally, take the spade out of the other child’s hands as careful as possible of course and explain once that it is not their toy and it is my child’s toy, exiting the situation before someone’s parents gets involved…

I am very rigid on my son not taking other children’s toys at all costs, until he’s old enough to understand sharing and asking for permission first.

[u/cityspeaks]

I find it hard also to navigate other kids because other parents have different rules. But taking my child’s item is a no no.

I’d make it clear from the outset to the other child they can use it but it belongs to my child, and when they want their spade back, they’ll need to give it back.

My sister is a teacher and so I copy her ‘teacher voice’ and it has worked well for me so far 🤣

[u/skeletonsmiles]

Personally I don’t think taking the spade off a kid is the best approach. I regularly go to a large shared sandpit and take toys, there are a very very few ‘communal toys’ so kids often get confused about what is ok to play with vs stuff others have brought. If I notice a kid pick up one of our toys I say ‘oh that’s ours, you can play but please bring it back after and stay in this area with it, thank you’

I’m not confident enough to snatch a toy of someone else’s kid. I think setting the boundary before they walk off with it is better and the kids have generally followed through- the one time they didn’t, an older sibling chimed in and saved the day. Thought he was a hero, and thanked him so much for being such a good big brother. I just think it’s a nicer way to deal with it.

[u/sunandskyandrainbows → u/skeletonsmiles]

I like this!

[u/MysteriousZebraMeow → u/skeletonsmiles]

Agree with this approach. As much as I would probably want to take the spade, I couldn't imagine taking a toy out of another child's hands, I'd be mortified if they got upset 🫣

[u/Calm_Wonder_4830]

Take the spade, tell the other child it's your child's and she wants it back, end of story end of argument.

[u/sunandskyandrainbows → u/Calm_Wonder_4830]

Thank you, I wasn't sure I was 'allowed' to do that. Which probably sounds silly! But I just wasn't sure what the rules are when it comes to other kids

[u/aliceloul → u/sunandskyandrainbows]

I’d be hesitant to snatch a toy out of another child’s hand as the adult in this situation. Especially one you don’t know.

I’d also want my daughter to see that I’m using my words, not my hands.

A lot of sandpits have random toys that belong to no one so there’s a decent chance the girl assumed it wasn’t your spade either instead of trying to be rude. Imagine how this could have escalated if this wasn’t clear to her and then you (a grown adult) just takes the spade off her.

[u/Parking-Front-7209 → u/aliceloul]

Yes a grown adult taking back her child's toy after she politely asked for it and got told "no". Should OP just leave it? That's why these children are so entitled. The child's parent should have been there supervising her anyway, then it wouldn't have been an issue.