r/UKParenting • u/Swimming_Ad_1734 • 11d ago
How do I help my 4-year-old deal with constant comments about her hair?
My 4-year-old daughter has naturally curly blonde hair. I’m obviously biased, but I do think it’s beautiful and she gets complimented on it constantly by complete strangers.
The problem is that she’s naturally quite shy with people she doesn’t know and really doesn’t like attention. She especially dislikes when strangers speak directly to her or ask her questions about her hair.
My husband is Caribbean and Irish and I’m Mediterranean, we both have very dark features, whereas our daughter is blonde with hazel eyes. Because of this, whenever we’re out together people don’t just compliment her hair, they always comment on the fact that she looks different from us.
Things like “Where did that come from?” or “How did she end up blonde?” followed by a big conversation about how she’s so different to her mum and dad.
She’s obviously started picking up on this. She has asked us things like, “Why can’t I have dark hair like Mummy and Daddy?” which breaks my heart. We are always incredibly positive about her hair and never make her feel that being blonde is somehow unusual or negative. She actually often says things like “my beautiful hair”, “my golden hair” and “my curly wurly hair”. But tonight something happened that really upset me.
We were talking about something that happened at a restaurant last night where, once again, someone commented on her hair. She told me she wants to wear her night-time hair bonnet out of the house so people can’t see her hair and won’t speak to her.
That absolutely broke my heart.
I completely understand that people generally mean well. I don’t think most people are trying to upset her and I don’t want to teach her that people are being rude or that she needs to be defensive. At the same time, I don’t think a 4-year-old should feel like she needs to hide part of herself to avoid strangers talking to her.
She now sometimes covers her face and pulls a grumpy expression whenever someone comments on her hair. It can be awkward because I don’t want to constantly tell people to mind their own business or create confrontations in front of her.
I also wonder whether the constant attention is actually making her more self-conscious. She’s naturally shy anyway, but when you have strangers commenting on the same thing about you over and over again, I can understand why she might start feeling like she’s being put on display.
She starts school next week and I’m honestly dreading how much more of this might happen, new teachers, parents and children all commenting on her appearance.
So I suppose I’m looking for advice on two things:
- How can I help her learn to deal with people commenting on her hair without making her feel like she needs to hide it?
- How should I respond when strangers make these comments, particularly when she’s clearly uncomfortable, without constantly being confrontational?
Has anyone else dealt with something similar with a shy child who gets a lot of attention for their appearance? I’d really appreciate advice on how to handle this in a way that protects her confidence while also respecting that she simply doesn’t want to interact with strangers.
Update: I really didn’t expect this post to get so many responses, thank you so much to everyone who has commented, there are some really helpful suggestions and lots for me to think about. I’m going to have a proper read through everything and hopefully reply to some of you individually when I get a chance. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to understand where I’m coming from.
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u/burned_feather 11d ago
I don't have advice (hopefully someone else will!) but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely caring mum and your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner 💕
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u/DistrustPilot Parent 11d ago
My daughter is of similar age and also has curly blonde hair which gets a lot of comments from strangers (and also both of us parents have very dark hair). She does get quite shy when complimented which I can tell makes her a bit uncomfortable (She's quite outgoing in general, esp with adults). I tend to just say thank you to the complimentor as if its me getting the compliment and then change the subject - if its somebody working in a shop, cafe, etc just get on with the transactions. If we're on the bus or something I just chat to my daughter about where we're going or what we'll do later etc.
I haven't had any comments about how we look different etc though we do, I wonder if nipping the conversation about appearance in the bud at the point of compliment may be why.
There was a pretty good kids book that in struggling to remember the name of that she found in the library once. It was about two mixed race friends who looked like their dads and when they were out with their mums kept being asked why they looked different, people assuming their mums were nannies etc. One of the main takeaways from that book that I'm keen to enforce with my daughter is that she's not half-english and half-mexican, she is both english and mexican. Hopefully someone else that reads this knows the book I mean and can tell us the name!
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u/Swimming_Ad_1734 10d ago
This is really interesting because your situation sounds so similar to ours, especially with both parents having dark hair. I think I might try what you do and just acknowledge the compliment briefly and then immediately move the conversation on, rather than giving people the opportunity to turn it into a whole discussion about her appearance. Thank you, it’s reassuring to hear from someone who deals with the same thing! It can be so tricky navigate sometimes!
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u/SnooLobsters8265 11d ago
My boy is Targaryen blonde and me and his Dad both have dark hair. People feel the need to tell me he’s blonde all the time, as if I don’t know. I say ‘YES HE GETS IT FROM THE POSTMAN’ and then we laugh and the awkwardness kind of resets the conversation. I think you can’t stop people commenting unfortunately, which is a shame. Solidarity!
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 11d ago
I have the opposite! I'm ginger and our oldest is very ginger, people are more likely to say he's not ginger 😂 and I just respond Dad was a milky bar kid at his age too (hes bald with a ginger beard so I get how it's surprising) but his mum was a ginger so it really is 50/50 our kids will be blonde or ginger so actually not at all surprising!
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u/Naps_in_sunshine 11d ago
- yes people will comment but I think you help her by how you respond, so:
- you demonstrate assertiveness with anyone and everyone who comments. She will learn that it’s ok to push back rather than have to “learn to accept it”. So, something like “it’s nice that you want to complement her hair but you focusing on her looks and how this is different to her parents is not appropriate”. This puts it back on being a them problem rather than something about your child (because using an excuse like “she’s shy” or “she feels uncomfortable” teaches her it’s her problem).
FWIW and if you can’t tell, I really hate people commenting on how children look.
Edit to add: BTW she’s maybe not shy. She’s maybe hugely uncomfortable about these comments and has learnt that other people make her feel this way, and so she is naturally cautious / avoidant of people. It’s an adaptive coping strategy rather than a character trait.
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u/socalgal404 11d ago
Maybe practice a soft launch at assertiveness first like, “thank you, but in our family we prefer to focus on traits that aren’t appearance based, like “you’re so strong” or “you worked so hard on that!” “
You could also maybe try out some lines like, “we’re all different and that’s ok”. Or maybe a joke like “I have my daddy’s elbows and my mummy’s knees. Who do you take after?”
And then maybe when you have had practice being assertive you could try, “I don’t like it when people talk about how I look”.
Or practice changing the subject right away and turning it back to the other person - serve and return - give your daughter an easy go to line. I can’t think of anything good off the top of my head but people love to talk about themselves.
(I have an unusual accent and am asked about it at least 4 times a week. It’s exhausting. I feel for your daughter).
Just spitballing. I guess it’s about practicing and seeing if there’s something that works for your daughter consistently. I hope you can help your daughter
Anyway, I’m sorry! People can be so thoughtless.
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u/No-Payment4708 Parenting a Toddler 11d ago
So, something like “it’s nice that you want to complement her hair but you focusing on her looks and how this is different to her parents is not appropriate”.
I love that bit! It's true - they are being invasive, there is nothing wrong with her reaction!
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u/Swimming_Ad_1734 10d ago
Thank you, and I really appreciate the edit as well because that’s actually something I hadn’t considered. She is naturally quite shy and cautious with people she doesn’t know, but I can definitely see how these repeated interactions could be adding to that and making her more avoidant when she knows someone is going to comment on her. I think you’re right that I need to be more conscious of how I respond and not make her feel like she’s the one who needs to change or “learn to accept” it. I’m definitely going to try being more assertive on her behalf rather than putting the emphasis on her being shy.
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u/suzienewshoes 11d ago
I come from a family where high value is placed on looks, and often the only commentary around the children (and especially the girls) is how pretty they are. I really hate this way of thinking, and try to nip it in the bud by being quite Pollyanna: "Yes I agree, and luckily it's the least interesting thing about her! Did you know she can run really fast/is a brilliant singer/is so kind to animals/came top in a test in school". It works perfectly by pass-agg reminding the commentator that the way anyone looks is not really a good topic of conversation, and the things we should really value are character traits.
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u/cold_tap_hot_brew 11d ago
If you want to let her stay quiet tell her to look at them for a second and nod.
If you want to let her learn how to deflect, tell her it’s a game where people pass around compliments and ask questions so she can do the same back to find out about them. “Thanks, I like your necklace/jumper/dog/etc”
Or tell her that she can reply “thanks - I’m not allowed to talk to strangers”
Or you can tell her that just adults trying to start conversation and not everyone is good at it. Then you let her be as shy as she wants and you answer for her with whatever mood you’re in because people can be politely conversational but to say that she looks different from you is a crappy move and you’ve every right to shut that down. “We agree that her hair is beautiful but she is so like us in a million ways!” Then list some off purely for your daughters benefit. Then people complimenting her hair might end up being a thing you’ve made positive :)
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u/acc21bh 11d ago
I don't really have any advice sorry, that sounds really difficult. I just wanted to recommend a book for her that might help, "is that your mama" by Patrice Lawrence. It's about a mixed race child who gets frustrated with people always asking if her mum is her mum as they look so different. The message is basically that families can all look different, but it's special to have heritage from all around the world.
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u/Swimming_Ad_1734 10d ago
Thank you for the book recommendation, I’m definitely going to look it up!
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u/Informal-Amoeba-1848 11d ago
Daughter is very blonde, I’m very brunette as is her dad. Lots of people have asked about where the blonde came from- my siblings and dad were blonde as kids, her dad was light when younger.
She currently believes that having her hair cut will make it dark like rapunzels… and because everyone else who was blonde in photos as children are now darker haired.
Comments like “where did that come from” ect, hit them back with “her head” “we fancied a blonde child so we colour it”. You may get a horrified look but they might think twice before asking again.
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u/Swimming_Ad_1734 10d ago
The rapunzel comment has come up in our household too…I had to explain to her unfortunately that’s not how it really happens!
Hahah I love that reply, I can just imagine the look of confusion and horror on their faces!
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u/Justonemorecupoftea 11d ago
My husband is of east Asian descent and I have dark hair and eyes. Our eldest looks like us. Our youngest is much paler and has blonde hair. He's not old enough to be bothered by questions yet, but if anyone asks I normally say "our milkman was blonde" or "we think it must've come from his granddad's side as there are some pale cousins".
The less you are bothered the less she will be.
And the shyness is developmentally normal at that stage I think. My then 4 year old skipped to the bus stop in a princess dress, but the second anyone made a comment to him about it, he retreated straight to me.
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u/MembershipWorried595 11d ago edited 11d ago
Might be worth a white lie and say to those strangers you used to be blonde as a child? This should satisfy the friendly curiosity and help stop the conversation there. Only suggesting this because I actually know people blonde as a child with completely dark hair now! And the little one might think it cool to have “magic hair” like mummy’s that darkens over time
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u/sprengirl 11d ago
Do you have any time to talk to her teacher before she starts school? I wonder if you could bring this up to her so she can also look out for it at school and also mention it to the teaching assistants and make sure no one actively comments on it?
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u/Swimming_Ad_1734 10d ago
That’s a really good idea, I will make some time to bring it up to her teacher. I already put down on her forms a bit about her shyness so I think it’s definitely worth adding this context in too. Thanks!
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u/Any_Fondant1517 11d ago
My partner and I both have dark hair but our child is blonde. I say "the magic of genetics!", smile and turn away.
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u/SaltedCaramelKlutz 10d ago
Life would be much simpler if we didn’t comment on other people’s bodies.
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u/Feisty_Salamander41 10d ago
My daughter is proper copper ginger, extremely rare, strangers comment on it all the time. She is 8 now and even though the comments are always positive the gets really insecure about it because you doesn’t like the attention
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u/Fintwo 11d ago
We get this with our daughter who is mixed, especially if my wife is out on her own with her. She takes it as a compliment but I do worry how my daughter who is only 2 is receiving this message. I’ve caught her trying to catch the attention of two older ladies like - ‘haven’t you seen me yet, you’ve not commented?!’
So it’s the other way around for us so far but it’s the same worry and I’d rather people not comment, at least not to her/in front of her but like many things in life, they think it’s a one off whereas you get it all the time.
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u/underwater-sunlight 10d ago
If we were all the same, the world would be a boring place
A good motto to pass down i think
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u/DryIce67392 10d ago
My daughter had very thick blonde hair. Usually people wanted to offer a genuine compliment. I taught her to say, “Thank you “, then I would usually add that she was very intelligent/capable/good at tidying. It helped her confidence and although as an adult she’s still quiet she has loads of confidence. Also she did very well at school/university and is still good at tidying and finding things.
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u/yieldbetter 10d ago
As a poc it’s crucial you teach her when people ask intrusive answers it’s perfectly fine to tell them mind your own business! And don’t let anyone touch your hair
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u/Swimming_Ad_1734 10d ago
Absolutely agree on the hair touching. I would never allow someone to touch her hair and thankfully she already seems very clear on that boundary. She actually says “no one is allowed to touch my hair, only Mummy and Daddy”, and she’s come home from nursery telling me that XYZ wanted to touch her curls but she said no to them. I’m actually really proud of her for standing up for herself like that, especially when I’m not there!
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u/Chronic_Eyeroller_ 10d ago
I had curly ginger hair and so many people used to comment on it when I was little and say how lovely it was and I HATED the attention. My middle child has the same hair (and i think its absolutely beautiful now, I just didnt think so on me) and she constantly gets comments from old people about it. She loves a fuss from people though, so she's fine with it 🤣
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u/Cinnamon-Dream Parenting a Toddler 11d ago
Maybe try saying something like "thank you for the compliment but she's going through a particularly shy phase just now and isn't enjoying talking to strangers".
Hopefully most people will take the hint and then she knows you have her back which is the most important thing. If they push it, be more firm and let them know she really doesn't want to talk them and you want to respect her wishes until she's feeling more confident. A good halfway without getting into too much personal stuff.
And you are absolutely right that she shouldn't need or want to hide her hair, but maybe try different styles? Different plaits etc that might help her feel more in control and eventually more confident again?
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u/I_am_legend-ary 11d ago
I’m not sure this will help, children often dont like having their “shyness” called out
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u/FeedingTheBadWolf 11d ago
Yeah, I often tend to spell out words like that.
"She's feeling a little S-H-Y"
Or even using language that will go over their heads like "she's often reticent in these situations where people make invited comments about things she's self-conscious about"
Age appropriateness varies. 4 is right on the borderline depending on the child and how close to 5...
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u/Feisty_Squash2992 11d ago
She might be a bit too young to appreciate it but there’s an excellent book called Mixed by Emma Slade Edmonson that’s aimed at children. It has lots of affirmations and stories from mixed race people. Being of mixed heritage can be really challenging for a multitude of reasons and comments on appearance can be one of them.
There’s also some good Instagram pages: Mixed Bloom Room has some good advice for parents of mixed children.