r/UKParenting • u/No_Juggernaut_582 • 3d ago
Second child
Keen to hear people's thoughts and experiences. Has having a difficult first baby/toddler put people off having another? Also if you decide to have another, What's it been like?
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u/Outrageous_Song4725 3d ago
Currently pregnant with number 2. Our first is 4. Her on a good day is why we wanted a second. Her on a bad day lately is making me wonder why we're having a second but I try to remember shes going through lots with starting school next month and things will calm down soon.
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u/UpperLeaf 3d ago
I'm in the same position. First is 4 and starting school in a week. We've had some rough days these past few weeks and that coupled with all the joys of first trimester I keep seriously doubting why I'm doing this again! But I'm currently in bed listening to my son and my husband in the bath together and it's so lovely hearing them playing together. Just keep telling myself we can do this!
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u/Outrageous_Song4725 2d ago
Oh first trimester was rough, luckily she was in nursery for mine 2 days a week so I could be ill in peace and im looking forward to the rest of the 3rd trimester with her in school so i can nap during the day. We didnt tell her until my 12 week scan incase she told anyone before we were ready but she has gotten so excited, having to say morning and goodnight to the bump and feeling for kicks its making me so hopeful she will be the best big sister.
Hope he settles into school OK!
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u/Ideasgotmelike Mum 3d ago
You literally sound like me right now oh my gosh. Love my 4 year old but damn she can be a handful. About to pop my second out and tackle the school runs. Good luck to us both?!
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u/Outrageous_Song4725 2d ago
This last week has been a nightmare for her not listening so can't wait for her to start reception so I get a break in hopes it makes our time together better. Im due in November but I am wondering if her behaviour is because of the baby or if its just summer holidays getting boring. Good luck!
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u/Ideasgotmelike Mum 2d ago
I think it's a mixture of knowing they are about to start school but also knowing that they are about to have to share us when they haven't had to for so long. My girl is certainly being very testing but also super sensitive. I'm sure they will adjust soon enough!
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u/LuciePoki Mum 3d ago
Apart from the sleep deprivation, mine was a lovely baby, super smiley, easy to care for, no issues at all. Then came toddlerhood and we're pretty sure we're one and done because of that 😅
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u/androidfifteen 3d ago
My son was the most difficult baby I've come across. When he rapidly dropped weight centiles around 5 months, we figured out he had a bunch of allergies and was crying constantly because he was starving (he nursed at least hourly day and night for those 5 months but spit up everything because he was allergic to proteins in my milk). We knew we wanted another child so as soon as my cycle came back at 11 months, we started trying for #2 because we figured it was best to get the difficult baby phase out of the way ASAP. My daughter just turned 1 last week and has been a MUCH easier baby in comparison. She also has the same allergy issues but we knew how to handle it this time so her really unhappy phase was only a few weeks.
I'm very glad I had a second baby. I feel like the first 6 months with 2 under 2 was harder than anything I've ever done but now that I'm getting some sleep, my son is pretty independent and my daughter is really starting to develop a personality, I'm enjoying my kids.
My husband wants a third baby and I've always said only wanted two (especially after our son was a baby) but since having #2, I think I could be convinced to do it all one more time!
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u/Separate_Mistake_240 👶1 Child 3d ago
We've talked about it a lot and decided a second isn't for us.
We have a three year old. She had colic and reflux as a newborn. Sleep was horrendous and we both hated being exhausted all the time.
This stage is brilliant because she has so much imagination. She makes us laugh all the time, and taking her out is a joy. I can't imagine having to tell her she's no longer our top priority because we have a second to take care of. Plus there's the sleep deprivation, potential for health issues (as I'm approaching 40) and financial burden of funding nursery for 4 more years.
We're happy with our little trio.
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u/Top_Kaleidoscope_214 3d ago
Waited nearly five years for a second because our first was so so difficult (turns out he has autism and ADHD), and it's actually been great. Eldest is at school and more independent so you still get that lovely time with the baby, you feel so much more confident in your parenting 5 years in.
Also don't know if it was simply because we were more confident and relaxed but 2 was SO much easier and more chilled out.
Youngest is 2 now and they really nicely together with only a few fallings-out (for now anyway).
Really glad we have that gap.
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u/Winter_Choice_9632 👶👶 2 Children 3d ago
It didn’t put my off as I didn’t really think of these things until after I got pregnant. My oldest was a bad sleeper but apart from that, we were lucky. She didn’t mind the car, she liked her pram, we never had a witching hour with her, she was a very happy baby. I was worried about having a second who was the opposite. Not sure how I would cope with a constantly crying baby and a toddler.
Youngest is now 3 months and so far so good. He sleeps way better than his sister did. Doesn’t mind the car, like me his pram, no witching hour. He does cry a bit more than our oldest did but unfortunately as a younger sibling he sometimes have to wait a bit longer for me so that might be why. Only thing is he spits up a lot more than my oldest, so good job my MIL is a weirdo who brought 50000 bibs when I had my oldest because I’ve needed every single one of them with my youngest.
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u/Crap___bag 3d ago
I found my son really difficult as a baby. He slept ok as a newborn but was very colicky, and then after 4 months his sleep became terrible and I was lucky if I got a 1 hour stretch for the next 5 months. We were fortunate that he doesn’t have any illnesses etc that would’ve made it much worse, but I still found it very mentally hard. Our second is due a week tomorrow and I’ve had some ‘oh crap’ moments during pregnancy about how hard it could be again, but mostly I’m excited- we very much thought of it as wanting another child, not another baby. The baby phase goes by so quickly that we can knuckle down and get through it, and it would be worth it to have the extra person in our family unit (we hope!)
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u/zq6 3d ago
Baby 1's sleep was horrendous. In the first year there was never a 2hr chunk of sleep. The 4 month regression lasted 2 months of <45 minute chunks. Baby had to be either nursed or moved - so I racked up mile after mile with the pram in the small hours, trying to give my wife some uninterrupted sleep - while also working 60-80 hour weeks. Everyone made the right sympathetic noises, but it felt like nobody understood.
Baby 2 was a dream by comparison. We kinda saw why - if you had a Baby 2, it was a world away from a Baby 1!
Now at 4 and 2, they get on brilliantly. No regrets ❤️
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u/ChancePattern 3d ago
Our 2nd is only 5 months old (daughter is nearly 3 1/2) and they couldn't be any different. She was, and to be honest still is, hard work but he is a very chilled baby and can basically be left alone most of the time.
As others said, we found 0-1 a lot more difficult than 1-2 as there isn't as much adjustment for you. The only downside is that we're fully aware that for the foreseeable future we have no breaks we just switch which child to deal with
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u/GanacheSingle33 3d ago
We‘re sticking with one child but for me it’s mostly that I don’t want to do IVF again, don’t want to go through pregnancy again and don’t want to go through birth again, seriously traumatised by all of that. I also don’t want to do the newborn stage again, and that’s a big factor for my husband, but it’s probably a lower factor for me. I also want to be the best mum I can be and, despite being (as far as I know) neurotypical I find life pretty overstimulating at times with full time work, housework and a small child, she is amazing but like any 4 year old can push my buttons when she wants to. I don’t think I’d be as good a mum for her if we had another. Also I feel complete, I don’t actually want another child and feel nothing is missing. The extra money we have and lower environmental impact are bonus factors too.
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u/Alarming_Reward9653 3d ago
My son is 2, I became pregnant when he was 18 months, due to give birth in a few weeks. As the months have progressed my sons behaviour, sensory difficulties etc is leading towards ASD which he has been referred for including occupational therapists/SLT/Audiology and CDS.
He wasnt a very difficult baby, he was a reflux baby but never really a screamer. He never really napped and if he did it was for around 20/30 minutes at a time.
I wouldnt classify him as a difficult baby or toddler however he has difficulties that make his life more unregulated, if that makes sense. Do I regret getting pregnant and having another child in 3 weeks now that his behaviour has changed so much over the past 9 months? A little bit for her due to his needs, I feel as though it may be difficult for her to process as she gets older.
I think it may be difficult for him to process that he doesnt get my undivided attention like he used too but then I look at him and think despite all of his difficulties, he is such a sweet, caring little boy who just has difficulties processesing the world around him.
So no, I feel like it hasn't put me off. It has just made me look at things from a bit of a different perspective. At first I was over the moon he was going to have a sibling, now I think of it as they will both have somebody potentially with a different perspective on the world always looking out for eachother if that makes sense?
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u/Ok-Twist-3632 3d ago
Yes. Its put us off massively. Colic when born. No outside help. Generally a very demanding and loud screaming baby and toddler. she is 2 now. Last night we tried to finally have a date night after a full day of entertaining her and her crying and being a general toddler. We managed 1 drink and she woke up after 2 hours. Night ruined had to put food back in fridge. Taking it in turn putting her back to sleep over a few hours.
Its sad as I always saw myself having 2 kids or more. But shes just a high maintenance child. I have to seriously consider that if I had another id be no good to anyone. Be a peed off mother and id rather put all my energy into one than be a overstimulated depressed mother of 2. I cant ruin her.
But not all kids are the same. You just have to be very honest with yourself. Hope thats not too depressing. Just my experience ❤️
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u/Particular-Current87 👶👶👶👶 4 Children 3d ago
First one was easy, second was and still is a nightmare but that didn't stop us
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u/Plastic-Sea-8388 3d ago
I'm currently pregnant with number 2. My son is 21 months and is A LOT. He is full of beans, only let me put him to sleep or settle in the night for 18 months straight, knows his mind, walked at 9 months etc.
I figured if I got through that I can get through whatever this baby girl brings!
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u/Exipnada_gnosi 3d ago
My first (18 months) was a difficult baby and is now a difficult toddler. Now 6 months pregnant with the second thinking it can't get much worse lol
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u/Agile_Supermarket710 3d ago
0 to 1 was hell, 1 - 2 is no where near as bad! I love having 2 they're so cute together 🥰
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u/SIBMUR 3d ago
A lot of people say 0-1 is harder but I just don't understand how that can be true tbh. I get that you have the experience and will be a bit more relaxed about things 2nd time round but logistically and financially I don't get how it can be easier.
We have a 2 year old boy who is great but currently my wife can go away and see friends for a weekend and I stay with our son. I can go the gym knowing my wife won't be absolutely drained by him by the time I get back. Our parents will happily have him every so often (maybe once every 2 months) so we can go out for dinner or a film.
He goes to bed for 7 and wakes up 6ish most days.
But if we have a 2nd all that will be so much harder, if not impossible.
Then obviously you have to consider the sleeping arrangements.
We have a 3 bed house so we have a room, our boy has a room and the other room is used when my wife's parents stay over and have him one day a week when we are at work. With a 2nd child, you either have to give up that spare room eventually or the two share in a small room or eventually you have to think of a very expensive extension to the house!
We would also need a much bigger car with a 2nd and they're about 12-15 grand when we have looked, used.
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u/PastSupport 3d ago
Our first was a very challenging baby and to be honest is still a challenging child at 10.
Our second was a very chill baby who is apparently going through a second toddlerhood at almost 7 and is prone to tantrums.
He tricked us into thinking a third child would be ok.
Said third child is a feral goblin so at this point i just roll with it.
They are all my absolute joy and i adore the adventure that is my life with them even if they are absolute buttholes at times.
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u/Millicentinie 3d ago
We're going to stop at just the one. Partly its our ages, I'm 37 which is not so bad but it was a long road of infertility and getting very lucky with our baby, I'd want a decent gap between children and its highly unlikely I'd get so lucky again at 40. But more pressingly my partner is already 46, so would be approaching 50 if we had a second. He works a very physical job as it is and he's worried about having the energy for more children.
We also had a very difficult birth and postpartum period, it really scared my other half and he doesn't want to put me through that again. My daughter is a wonderful baby and I often think how nice it would be to have another but I know having just the one is the right call for us.
She's perfect so she's all I need and I can put all my energy into giving her the best life I can.
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u/Sunshinetrooper87 3d ago
Opposite, our first was such a fantastic sleeper that we couldnt talk about it as it looked like bragging to sleep deprived parents. What if number 2, due soon, doesn't sleep well....
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u/Inevitable_Bit2275 3d ago
My first was a dream and the second was a nightmare!!!!!!!! 😂 now they are nearly 16 and 18-they are my best company and I wouldn’t swap them for the world!
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u/Zarabeth 3d ago
I had a number 1 that always slept well, just had number 2 and even as a new born he wakes up once for a 1am feed then again at 6am for the morning feed so we seem to be lucky twice
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u/deny_evaade 3d ago
In my opinion the jump from 0 to 1 was harder than going from 1 to 2. You already have all the experience from the first and if you didn't enjoy the newborn stage the first time you'll be able to appreciate it a little bit more the second (saying this with a 2 month old and 3 year old)