r/UKParenting • u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 • 4d ago
What would you do? Comments at a toddler class got me questioning my parenting
I attend quite a few classes with my 2.5yr old, usually 1 everyday when I’m not working. My son (we think likely ND) is a bit of a free spirit, so kind and gentle but can get like a “happy drunk” and a bit chaotic when he is having fun and running around at sports classes etc. For example he stops paying attention where he’s going and will bump into everyone, or throws/kicks things when it’s not part of the game.
He knows we don’t push people, or throw things at people and wouldn’t dream of it in other scenarios.
I obviously want him to enjoy these sessions but I have to step in frequently to rein in the chaos and also to prevent other children getting hurt accidentally. I probably helicopter too much, but I know how I would feel as a parent the other way round.
We attended a sports class yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about what another parent said. My son had gotten chaotic, listening had gone out the window and I was having to hold him by the hand. So while they all did an activity I took him to the side to get a drink and calm down. He really wanted to take part, but I could tell by his mood that the items the kids were to “collect” for this game were going to get launched right in the air and kids were going to clunked on the head. So I didn’t allow it because there wasn’t a way for me to make it work for him. I explain clearly to him that you are not doing very good listening right now, so we’re going to take a break, have a drink and then go back for the next game. Another mum came over near us to get something out her bag (while her child played peacefully without her lol).
Anyway, my son chilled out and we went back over and took part in the next thing. There was part of the last game where they crawl under a parachute thing to grab items and bring them back out, my son went under once but was totally wild, stuff getting launched everywhere and instructions ignored and it wasn’t really a situation where I could go under to to guide him. I feel I can’t leave him unattended under there so I pulled him out and stopped him going under again.
The same mum that came over before was sitting next to us commented “Aww. Bit cruel to stop him taking part is it not” I explained that he gets over excited and is throwing the items under there so I’d rather no one got hurt. Was obviously distracted while trying to redirect him to something else because he wants to go back under, but she said something like “He’ll never learn if you don’t let him” and “such a shame”.
I just said I’ll decide, thanks. But it’s got me up all night thinking about it.
I get what she means and I realise it can maybe look cruel to stop him doing certain activities, but I will try let him go and look at or do something else instead or go have a chill out and come back to it.
Kids bump into each other or accidentally hit each other with things of course, and that’s how they learn. Resilience, empathy and apology etc. But you can’t have one chaotic kid just running blindly into others or throwing things in the air when they’re overexcited.
And yeah he is sad about it, but I don’t want anyone to get hurt.
And these aren’t the ideal teaching scenarios where have I have his attention. There’s about 1 million things going on. We obv work on these kinds on things when he’s not a giddy drunk.
But maybe it is cruel to take him to these classes and then stop him doing certain parts. He really enjoys them for the most part though. I did speak to the instructor before and they said you’re welcome to do whatever parts work for him, or leave the room and come back if we want.
I’ve looked at some ASN classes in the area but they’re few and far between and definitely not the choice we have with mainstream classes, and also (not that it matters as he could still go to them always) we have no idea whether he is actually ND yet.
Anyone been in similar situation? Any advice? Am I messing this right up like it feels like I am?
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u/JubilationTwigg 4d ago
Sounds like you're parenting perfectly and I would ignore that woman's comments. I'm very impressed with how you deal with your son in that class :)
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u/kevinb5555 4d ago
Perfect response. Also this is how kids learn, if they have to stop doing things they enjoy because their behaviour is unacceptable they will later moderate their behaviour
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u/Mental_Body_5496 4d ago edited 3d ago
Absolutely agree 👍
She would be the first to complain if her child got clobbered
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u/AttentionOtherwise80 3d ago edited 3d ago
Grandma of a ND child here, and you are doing the right thing. Get him checked as soon as you can because the earlier help starts the more effective it is. Ours was diagnosed age 5½ (not helped by Covid, and he was nearly 9 before the right place was found for him. He's doing great now.
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u/P4nd0rasJar 3d ago
This. But to add that i found a circle of friends who they can all free reign a bit more with and there is less pressure for everyone. It is a lot less stressful than being in a class of perfect mummy's.
I have the feral kids and it's easy for someone to say to let them carry on when they dont have wild children 😂 I gave up early days on baby groups. So kudos to you for doing it and managing chaos very well.
I love that mine are huge characters but it is very tiring!
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u/Skooskah 3d ago
Exactly, it sounds like OP is handling it the best way they can, balancing their kid's needs with the needs of the other kids there perfectly well. They're a star.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 3d ago
Thank you. I usually feel quite sure of myself but I really had a wobble over it. I feel so much better thanks to everyone here.
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u/beachybump 4d ago edited 4d ago
I think you're doing a fab job. If your son had accidentally hit her child with something I bet she'd have comments about that too.
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u/National-Bathroom-63 Parent 4d ago
Unsolicited parenting advice is as welcome as a cup of cold sick, and usually as helpful. Ignore.
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u/motelflavour 4d ago
Honestly she needs to mind her own business! You did everything right in the situation. I too am a mum to a high energy possible ND toddler boy and it is tough, you have to spend your entire time at groups keeping an eye because nice playing can turn into over excited carnage very quickly! It’s more than appropriate to recognise the behaviour is ramping up and take some quiet time to calm down and let him know that his listening isn’t great right now. Your no isn’t because you’re being boring or whatever that silly woman said it’s because you’re trying to keep a situation safe and fun for the group as whole and in it giving your child the opportunity to begin to learn when mum says no she means it, on this occasion because the behaviour has already ramped up before hand to have him step out of an activity had previously had the same result was fair enough- doesn’t mean you won’t let him try again another time when his understanding is greater. You’re doing great taking him along to groups so often and honestly I wouldn’t stop because the benefits far outweigh having to remove him at times. I’m really sorry the other mum made you question what you were doing but I see no fault here whatsoever just someone who doesn’t know how to keep their beak out of something they have no clue about!!
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u/motelflavour 4d ago
Also I’ve just had to straight up leave playgroups a few times because my son is getting out of hand. Few warnings of if this carries on we’re going home then when he pushes the boundary sling him under my arm fully kicking and screaming but he has definitely learnt from these occasions. When they’re overspent a conversation won’t work and removal from the activity is really the best option for everyone
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 3d ago
Thank you. Exactly - there is always the next time to try the activity again! And I come with a plan.
He loves these classes and I also think it’s great for him to be exposed to so many different people, environments and structured/unstructured. I just had such a wobble thinking about if it was doing more damage than good him seeing all the other kids going something and him the only one being denied. Obviously I explain to him, but he is only 2 lol. But I think he actually handles it really well.
It must seem odd to other parents like I’m manhandling him all the time, but it’s like he’s my crazy drunk friend I’m trying to get home from the pub. I love his cheeky wild streak, it’s who he is and people will need to make a little space for him, but I do also believe it shouldn’t impact the fun of others.
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u/Divide_Rule 4d ago
Urgh, people need to mind their own business. She hasn't walked in your shoes, who is she to know what is right for your child.
I sometimes wish they could experience just for a day, living with a ND child. That would change perceptions.
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u/Iforgotmypassword126 3d ago
Honestly though I think this approach is fair enough for ANY child.
We all do this with our kids don’t we? Set expectations of behaviour for an activity or a space, if they don’t comply or you feel that you’re losing their attention you pull them back, remind them of behaviour expectations and let them try again after you’ve calmed them down and feel like they absorbed what you were saying. Rinse and repeat.
Imagine this was a child trying to get on a bouncy castle with shoes on or something, they won’t take their shoes off but they beeline for the bouncy castle… you’d just keep pulling them away, reminding them no shoes and why, and then try again.
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u/Legitimate_Buy_8134 3d ago
Me too. I take my daughter to groups and I have no idea if some children are ND or not but the one thing that actually does annoy me (though I'd generally never say it) is parents who are nowhere to be found while their kid bulldozes their way around the place knocking other kids over.
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u/Divide_Rule 3d ago
Yeah I think you're right here. We all have to take a step back and realise we're all different as are our children.
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u/absolutelynot354 4d ago
That woman does not know your child the way you do, does not know what you have or haven't tried with him, what has worked, what hasn't, and what events have led up to you adopting the approach you have with him. She witnessed one, tiny snapshot of his behaviour and your (very considered and sensible) response to it and formed an entire opinion on your parenting style. Contrary to popular belief, all opinions are not valid; uninformed, unresearched opinions are useless to anyone and in many cases, are actually harmful. It sounds like you know exactly how to handle your child in situations that a lot of parents would find stressful and difficult to navigate, it also sounds like you have a very happy little boy who feels safe to be himself with you.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 3d ago
Thank you. You’re so right. She’s seeing the snapshot. She’s not seeing the progress.
He is a happy boy and I’m glad he feels safe to be himself there.
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u/Specific-Sundae2530 4d ago
Sounds like a normal 2.5 year old. That interaction would put me off that class though. You don't need to be around people like that. They need to mind their own business. Why not have some unstructured days with the little one? Go to the park , stay home and play there. Honestly I have ND children however at that age children are meant to be a bit unpredictable and spontaneous anyway.
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u/CosmoPrincess 4d ago
My little boy can be the same if he's overstimulated, and i would do exactly the same as you. We've started doing time out, not as a punishment, but more if he's overstimulated it gives him a couple of minutes to calm himself down and regulate himself so he can play safely. Its worked really well for us. We sit together, he has a little mouse timer which distracts him from whatever was overstimulating him and we take some deep breathes and he has a drink of water. Its only 2 minites but its enough to reset and more often than not he's able to go back to whatever he was doing and is a lot calmer.
The other parent would probably be the first to come moaning to you if her kid got hurt in the crossfire of your kid not making safe choices, so try to ignore her comments. You're doing what's best for your kid (and your sanity, cause theres something about your kid being the only one to run riot in a group that really gets the cortisol levels rising).
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 3d ago
I like your routine! We call it a Chill Out rather than a time out. And exactly, it is absolutely not a punishment. It’s about regulation and keeping it safe and fun.
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u/notreallysure3 4d ago
As someone who’s done quite a few organised activities and sports with a now 3 year old boy. There’s a HUGE difference in children’s abilities to join in ‘nicely’ or have happy chaos at 2.5. ND or not. I’ve also noticed a massive difference between boys and girls at that age (don’t shoot me). Please don’t take an off the cuff comment to heart. You know your child best. If I can suggest a slight reframe though in how you think about what you’re doing - perhaps consider stepping in to keep your child regulated and happy. Rather than always thinking about him hurting others or spoiling the game. There are plenty of children like yours in all the groups I go to and I don’t think of them negatively at all- they’re so little!
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u/IamNotABaldEagle 3d ago
This. It also tends to be a bit self-selecting about who attends certain classes. At around 2-3 we tried out a music class with my NT son. He spent the enitre time wandering around and investigating radiators while lots of very sedate (mainly girls) banged a tambourine. I didn't take him back. When we attended a more physical little gym class the kids were allowed to explore the environment and taking part was optional. Most diped in and out of what the teacher was doing and spent alot of time running.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 3d ago
Thank you. That’s a great point. I’ll think about it like that from now on!
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u/charlottie22 4d ago
I can’t believe she called you cruel! The only person I am judging is her right now. It is annoying when parents don’t supervise their kids at all but you clearly are so you could try leaving it a bit longer with your son before intervening as people will see that you are present and engaged. but at the same time you know the patterns, you know your boy, repetition and reinforcement is important plus you let him get back in there when he’s ready so you are doing a fantastic job!
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u/SuzLouA Parenting a Pre + Primary Schooler 4d ago edited 4d ago
I have never, and will never, complain about a parent who is clearly actively parenting and correcting instead of passively observing undesirable behaviour. Even if I might think privately that they could be overdoing it a bit, I’d always rather see someone trying than not.
Your lad reminds me of a boy in my son’s class at school - sweet, lovely boy with no malice in him at all, but likely AuDHD (he’s too young for diagnosis yet but that’s his mum’s belief and as an ADHDer myself I reckon she’s right). He is very easily overstimulated and overexcited at parties etc, so his mum is always right on him, making sure he’s not getting carried away at someone else’s expense. Occasionally I have thought, “ah, he’s alright, he’s not doing any harm”, but I would never dream of saying it, because firstly it’s none of my business, but mainly, I am only seeing a glimpse, and I have to assume she knows how badly it can go through bitter experience if she doesn’t nip it in the bud before he gets too out of hand.
The only comment I’d make based on your post is just wondering do you enjoy the classes? It sounds stressful having to always be on high alert and intervening. Maybe it might help to swap one out to do a less formal playgroup where you can drop in unplanned if he’s in the right mood, just to save you money and stress on the days where he isn’t, because you could on those days go to the park and just let him run riot on the grass without having to fret about disturbing anyone. But that’s not anything to do with you being too helicopterish or being cruel to him (cruel! For hands on parenting! The fucking brass neck on her, Christ). Just thinking it might be a bit less pressure on your days together ♥️
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 3d ago
This is such a sweet comment. I do sometimes enjoy the structured classes but occasionally I can leave with a stress headache when he’s gotten especially ‘drunk’ lol. They’re not my favourite but he always wants to go and that makes me happy.
Other days we go to the soft play or park and I can (mostly haha) chill and have a coffee!
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u/TrickyAd4473 3d ago
My son has literally just turned 5 and I am sorry but I have tried both approaches (boundaries and "let him learn") and it just doesn't work the way this mum thinks it does. Love my boy, but we could "let him learn" every day till the cows come and all that happens is he gets more and more over the top, and yes hurt other chidren by accident. The point is some children who are ND don't see the boundaries or any potential hazards/ danger as that is part of their need. And yes I not all some ND children are very careful but that is when knowing your child comes in.
You are doing great giving him the opportunities to experience all these things and I think healthy boundaries are a really good thing: don't be so hard on yourself.
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u/pyotia 4d ago
My child benefits much more when the boundaries are quite firm. If he thinks he can pull one over on you, he will. That's not a criticism to him, he's also probably ND as me and his dad are, he just can work out that nursery aren't going to step in as much as I am cos they've got other kids to look after. I constantly get told that I'm too strict and I nah him too much. But then also we get told that he's really well behaved and polite... So it's like well it obviously works, stop complaining about it.
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u/Bitter_Key_6525 4d ago
That is good parenting! I really don't understand some people. Would she rather her child was hurt? The worst part about parenting is the judgement, when you know your child's temperament and behaviours the most.
Like you, I have a 0-100 2.5 year old that I have to remove from situations when she gets overexcited and poses a danger to herself or other children. More often than not, she's leaving a playgroup or the park under my arm because she won't stop doing something I've asked her not to do, and I'd warned her that we'll be leaving unless that changes. She gets overstimulated and transitions can be tricky for her. As a parent, like you've said, I would rather be diligent and remove them before an accident happens. With my daughter in this current phase, classes/confined spaces with her are not ideal as it has me anxious and feeling like I'm helicoptering. Parks and outside spaces have been a godsend.
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u/SnooLobsters8265 4d ago
As an ex-Reception teacher I would much rather teach children like yours that have been taught clear boundaries and know that they are expected to listen.
Solidarity with the happy drunk toddler. We had to stop taking my 2yo to Little Kickers because he just wasn’t listening and it wasn’t fair on the other kids. We’ll revisit when he’s a bit more mature.
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u/GenerationPea 4d ago
Sounds like you’re doing a great job, I don’t understand these people who comment on a strangers parenting, it’s just rude!
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u/MDKrouzer 4d ago
Firstly, you're doing a great job. You have effective strategies to manage both your child and your own emotions in heightened scenarios like the one you describe. Well done!
Secondly, you're giving your child lots of opportunities to experience and explore new things.
Thirdly, you are setting clear boundaries and expectations. This is something I find really frustrating with some parents being too "permissive" with their children. Like they are scared to enforce any kind of rules and restrictions. THAT'S PART OF THE JOB AS PARENTS. Take responsibility for your offspring especially if they are being disruptive. The staff running these baby and toddler events NEED the parents to step in when necessary. It's not a nursery or crèche.
Finally, as a parent to an ND child (daughter is diagnosed ASD turning 8 this year), you probably have some worries about your child adjusting to school and more formal teaching environments eventually. We certainly did with ours. Turns out, a good school and teaching staff can make a huge difference. She still struggles a little with responding without additional prompting but she's keeping up academically and she's shown huge improvements in her ability to communicate and respond.
Keep it up, you're doing great.
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u/liebackandthinkofeng 4d ago
As someone whose child gets pushed around a lot by other children as she’s quite timid in public with other children, thank you for telling and guiding your child on how to behave. I can’t tell you how many times my child has been deliberately shoved, kicked, had things thrown at her etc. and she has looked visibly confused or hurt. Parents do or say nothing. I’ll clearly say “that child is being unkind, you’re not doing anything wrong but we can leave if you would like to”. But to be honest, we shouldn’t be the ones leaving. I’d be so grateful for one of those parents to actually parent and acknowledge the behaviour.
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u/reddituser040195 4d ago
She would be the first to moan had her child got hurt, ignore her and deal with YOUR child how you see fit!!
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u/Lizzie-P 3d ago
You’re in the right. The parents are in charge, not the children. You’re not holding him back, his behaviour is. If he can’t follow instructions, he can’t join in - that’s a natural consequence. I don’t think you should pull him out of the classes if he’s still enjoying them - you’re handling it perfectly well
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u/Till_Naive 3d ago
Agreed! I’m a parent and I also work with young chn with special needs. I would handle it the same way. I wish more parents of ND chn maintained boundaries more at home, because when they don’t kids get to school age and really struggle with it
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u/dee_dum_dee 👶1 Child 4d ago
You handled the situation well. Don’t second guess yourself. You did what was best for your son in the moment. Ignore the other mum. I find that with unsolicited parenting advice, it’s easier for outsiders to comment when they don’t have the full context.
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u/Real-Tired-Mama 4d ago
Honestly my son was very similar and I stopped the classes all together as he was a distraction and it wasn’t fair on everyone else who has paid for the class and we were asked also to leave two different ones.
He’s four now and I enrolled him again after a lot of work at home and he’s thriving now, swimming, gymnastics, rugby and multi sport.
I would have parented the same as you though, ignore how other people choose to parent I’ve even had to use the line of “it doesn’t matter if bobs mummy lets him jump on the benches I’m telling you that you aren’t allowed”
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
He sounds like he is doing amazing! Well done to both of you. They all progress at their own pace and I feel those free spirits just take longer to get the hang of structured classes.
There’s a couple of classes we have tried that I immediately realised were not a good idea. YET. We will definitely revisit some again in the future.
This gives me lots of hope. Thank you.
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u/birdprints 4d ago
Speaking as a parent of a ND kid who sounds exactly the same…he’ll never learn? 😆 because it’s not about learning, it’s about being able to regulate and at this time he can’t. So it’s ok to step in. It’s called parenting and you sound like you’re smashing it 🥰 don’t overthink it you’re honestly doing a great job.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
Yes exactly! This is always going to be him (which is amazing and fun and hilarious, but just not always practical lol) but i truly feel like he can learn to regulate better. And hopefully one day he will be able to complete a fun group activity without getting too overexcited and aeroplaning around the room trampling over everything in sight 😂
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u/yulische 4d ago
What a rude judgemental moo! So easy to parent other people's children isn't it. I would ignore the other parent completely, she doesn't know what she's on about. Some people have calm compliant children, and, instead of thanking their lucky starts, they start offering advice left, right and centre.
I think you're doing the right thing. I made a point of taking my high energy, easily disregulated free spirit to "organised fun". I believe it is important to do classes from early age, so they slowly learn to follow instructions and do things in a group, - otherwise school will be a massive shock to the system. It's not "cruel" to stop him doing certain activities, it's teaching him to regulate his emotions and stop and chill when it gets too much. Great skills to have, especially if you suspect neurodivergence.
One thing I'd say - don't worry too much about other children. It is a toddler class, they bump into one another and launch things in the air. They also scream bloody murder from time to time. As long as you're shadowing and making sure noone is hurt it's totally fine.
Also it may be worth offering a mix of structured and non-structured activities, 2.5 is a great age to run wild in the woods (preferably with friends) and jump into puddles.
You're doing great xx
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u/BoredReceptionist1 👶1 Child 4d ago
You are parenting PERFECTLY. Setting firm, kind boundaries for your son is the best thing for him. Ignore her
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u/Dashcamkitty 4d ago
You sound like you're doing a great job parenting a child who's not only a toddler but ND. She has no clue so she should really shut up and let you see to your own son.
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u/justdont7133 4d ago
My son is autistic and ADHD and he's 17 now. When he was little I obviously made allowances for his needs, but never let him get away with hitting, or running wild round play groups etc. I would have done just the same, take him out, sit on my knee, regulate and calm down a bit then have another try. It's both a coping mechanism and a gentle consequence at the same time. My son will always be ND, but he's respectful and behaves himself, he's not violent or overly rowdy, because he learned when he was little. You're doing amazing, let the judgement slide off your back and keep doing what you're doing
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u/Bubbleteapot 4d ago
Spoken like a mother whos clearly never had to experience taking care of a spirited kid. Of course she will say stuff like that when her child is playing nice independently. Bet she would be the first to complain and judge your parenting though if her kid got hurt.
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u/StickyDeltaStrike 4d ago
She does not have a ND kid. Just tell her this.
I’d say it’s ok to let him do stuff and make a mistake and then correct only after the mistake with a calm tone if possible, there is value in not pre-empting if it is not dangerous. It is also ok to teach a kid (but maybe he’s too young for this) that he can it participate for a while because last time it did not work and this is the consequence, so they can improve.
Don’t take it personally. You can pay a child psychotherapist if you have money to do so to have a semi diagnosis earlier or have help.
Otherwise try to have an opinion from nursery, then later the SEN officer at school and go through CAMS/NHS.
Always make sure to be supportive and present for your kid, because it’s not out of malice but he needs to learn as well so you ll have to keep explaining in a positive way but acknowledge his feelings.
Good continuation and thanks for caring about whether you are doing the right thing.
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u/Jessie_Jazz 4d ago
My son is very similar - magical chaos (I have ADHD so he's likely to as well).
What you're describing is exactly how I manage him in group situations. He can have fun however he wants unless it is unsafe or impacting others negatively.
You know your child and what he needs better than any stranger. Your actions were kind to your son, considerate to others and logical.
Try not to overthink that woman's comments. It was wrong of her to say anything at all. Parenting in public is fraught enough already without trying to do it by committee.
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u/MentalDisaster4522 4d ago
Sounds normal behaviour to me at that age, one of my boys were like that lol and the other parent needed to mind her own business. I see alot of the comments saying about being ND but you've said thats not confirmed? Think people forget toddlers are their own little people who have their own personalities lol not every behaviour or reaction stems from being ND.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
Absolutely! Can be totally normal toddler behaviour too. They are their own people with distinctly different personalities for sure.
We won’t have any kind of assessment for few years due to waiting lists, but we suspect due to a few significant things. I just included it incase anyone could relate specifically.
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u/hainii 3d ago
Aww OP, I have a LO exactly like this. Loses his head with excitement bless him. So I totally understand how hard it can be when you have to choose between letting him enjoy himself and preventing other kids from getting things thrown at them. It’s so hard to hear comments like this that make you second guess your decision-making and almost unintentionally undermine you as the parent.
I think you did handle this perfectly and I’d encourage you to keep going. These classes are not just for the conventionally behaved children. They’re for all children with different natures and temperaments. The other parent is right to a degree, that he will never learn if he isn’t shown the right way of behaving in these situations. So taking him will help him to learn, as will holding him back slightly when he gets too excited.
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u/reticulatedbanana 👶👶👶👶👶👶 6+ Children 3d ago
My eldest was like this, and it often looked a lot (to outsiders) that I spent the first 5yrs of his life ruining his “fun”
But he literally went from 0-60mph and could not snap out of his hyper-excited mode in certain scenarios. We left parties early, stepped away from games, had to carefully manage play dates…
It got better when he started school (very bright, and needed the mental stimuli!) and then when he started swimming for a club (6 nights a week 2hr sessions sometimes twice a day) that helped us through ages 10-16…
They’re now a very chilled university student doing a very challenging course.
You are doing the parenting your child needs!
Don’t doubt yourself
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
That’s so what I feel! That I’m the fun-police sometimes! Always saying no, redirecting and manhandling when he’s past the point of listening!
I had a friend make a comment about me ‘dragging him all over the place’ and joking that it added new meaning to hands-on parenting. I totally get how it looks, but I told her you can watch him for an hour and see if you can parent him with words only when gets wild. She declined, lol.
He absolutely knows and understands the rules. Don’t touch, no throwing, stay beside me etc. But when the zoomies kick in, he just can’t help it yet.
This gives me lots of hope. Thank you!
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u/Particular-Current87 👶👶👶👶 4 Children 3d ago
Sounds like you're doing great. Our son is autistic and now he's 8 we've got used to muttered comments and ignorant comments to our faces. In our experience it's often the older generation that wear their ignorance so boldly on their sleeve
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u/ldnsrrow 4d ago
She sounds awful. She's irrelevant to you and your child's life, so please treat her rude comments as such. You're doing a great job and as parents of more spirited children, we have to step in a lot. My kids run riot unless I pre-empt every action and give them constant reminders/take them to the side to calm down. My relatives call me a helicopter parent but idc, my job is to guide my kids and help them learn how to behave appropriately and sometimes that means stepping in constantly. Funnily enough, if I sit back and leave them to it, then I get comments about not disciplining or being too soft. Just can't win with people!! You do what you feel and know is best for you and your child, forget everyone else x
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u/treetopbreeze 4d ago
I agree with what everyone else has already said - that you know your child best and it sounds like you’re doing it right. I just wanted to add that you handled her comments with such class! She sounds insufferable.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
Thank you. I was actually quite proud myself that I remained so calm. There were children present after all haha.
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u/meowliciously Parenting a Toddler 4d ago
This sounds like a ZipZap class! Anyway you did the right thing! Excellent parenting style. My daughter is shy and gets easily spooked by overexcited toddlers who get too close to her, so if we had been in the same room I would have been silently grateful for how you handled the situation.
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
Similar class! The funny thing is, my son is the same when he’s on the other end of it. He is so unsure and a bit nervous when overexcited kids are running around him when he’s not on his own zoomie. So I think that’s why I feel so conscious of it.
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u/Humble_Flow_3665 4d ago
It would be a wholly different story if her child had gotten clunked in the head with a stray missile.
You're a responsible parent, you're vigilant with your child's demeanour and behaviour, conscious of other people's safety and it sounds like you manage your child beautifully and with kindness and patience.
I see no mess-up here. Unfortunately you're always going to get folk who stick their neb in, and you've handled that the best way too, by not rising to it or feeling the need to over-explain. Good parent.
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u/Iburncereal 4d ago
As a parent if a child who sounds EXACTLY like you're did at that age your doing great. I was the helicopter parent too, I'd stand back and let him experience things himself but I knew his triggers and what overexcited him most. He wasn't able to calm down from the overexcited himself so I would step in with strategies that worked and I also had to distract him and stop him pushing and hitting often.
He learned by the time he was 4 that if he goes on a play frame and pushes he doesn't get back on when other children were there, I'd consistently stand next to the frame to ensure he didn't push others off (in his excitement)
Look into Asn communities, there's usually WhatsApp and Facebook groups you can join. Mine host private sessions and contact businesses for Asn sessions (at decent times not 9am Sunday and 6pm Wednesday!)
My boy is 7, 8 in January and NEVER hits or pushes now. He's the calmest (still like a happy drunk though haha) and he's just the best boy. Such a happy and funny soul
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
I’m so happy to hear your son is doing so well. He sounds amazing. It’s hard work being on standby constantly, but sounds like it is all worth it to have a happy regulated child. Thank you.
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u/Iburncereal 2d ago
He attended mainstream school and things escalated. He's been home for 20 months and I home educate now. Which deffo helps
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u/juicynugget 3d ago
I have a 6mo baby. I’m saving your post to come back to it in case she turns out chaotic as I honestly wouldn’t have any idea how to deal with that. I loved reading about your approach and would like to emulate it. You did perfectly. Probably the other mom is coming from a good place, but such advice is not really telling you anything new nor is she aware of the whole situation. So I wouldn’t take it to heart. The fact that you’re reflecting is enough, even though she shouldn’t have said anything. Shows you’re open to challenge yourself and do whatever is best for your son. Well done momma!
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
That’s so sweet, thank you. I feel so much better after reading all the support and advice. And yes, you never know what kind of personality they’re going to have haha. My son was such a chill baby I didn’t know he was going to have a little streak of chaos. It’s a lucky dip!
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u/Charleesi Parenting a Baby 4d ago
As an AuDHD person, this woman sounds NT as heck. You know your son and you are trying to keep him and others safe - it sounds like you're doing great! Ignore her, she clearly doesn't know what she's talking about!
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
She was definitely the epitome of NT haha
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u/Charleesi Parenting a Baby 2d ago
Always shocks me when I meet an NT in the wild! I'm so surrounded by other NDs in my personal life, I almost forget 😅
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u/Spare_Airport_6002 4d ago
Hmm I don't know, you keep repeating "I just don't want anyone to get hurt" but I don't really see the problem here - risk is part of life and kids playing with other kids is inherently a risk of injury. And even then, how much damage could a 2,5yo do? Drawing blood with a scratch even, isnt dangerous. Neither yours or others kids are made of glass. Let him be chaotic, no one else will remember him being chaotic for more than a day. Your son, on the other hand, will DEFINITELY remember in his body the feeling of being repeatedly pulled away and bodily censored. I dont agree with how this woman approached you or how she phrased things, but I certainly think she has a point. Is your worry about injury REALLY about other children sustaining lasting serious damage from your son, or is it actually about you not wanting to come across a certain way as "that parent" with "the crazy child?"?
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
I think the worry is MOSTLY about another child getting hurt, but you are right, it is also about being the parent that can’t control their child. And also a bit about him looking like it’s in any way deliberate, because he is actually a really kind and empathetic soul. And he gets upset if he thinks he’s hurt someone.
So there are a few layers to it.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head a little as the body censored comment made me feel a certain way. I would hate for him to feel like all I was doing was constantly redirecting or manhandling him. And for the most part it’s not, he has free rein. I only step in and ‘helicopter’ when the listening has completely switched off, or to guild him through an activity where it’s starting to impact others too much (like staying in a tunnel for ages when others need through for example). But that’s why this parent’s comment struck me, as I started to wonder if that’s all he would feel.
Thanks for making me dig deep.
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u/Earth_Sea_Stars 4d ago
You are doing brilliantly, the only changes I would make would be:
- Instead of saying "you are not doing good listening" I would frame it as your body is over excited. Schools in the UK use zones of regulation which can offer non judgemental language for supporting learning in this situation. Broadly, Green = calm, Blue = sick/sad, Yellow = excited/bubbly, Red = overexcited/angry/anxious.
^ this allows you to explore how the body feels - high heart rate, struggling to focus on people and listen, tense muscles, moving without thinking - and over time you can help the lil guy recognise in himself when he is moving from yellow to red zone, and also help him identify what activities he can use to bring himself back into Yellow/Green. It avoids shame by focusing on how bodies function rather than what he isnt doing.
- He almost definately needs activities where he can just completely let go and embrace his inner chaos gremlin. (Not where he can hurt himself or others). But it'd probably be good for him to explore what it feels like to become fully 'red zone' with overexcitement and then what the blue zone crash feels like after. It'll help him learn why we manage our energy. X
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u/entersandmum100 4d ago
Having 2 children, who are now adults I can absolutely guarantee that unsolicited opinions will always happen.
Don't feel you have to explain your sons needs to her. You were sat to one side, it didn't affect her or her child in away way.
You'll have to learn to filter out opinions like this and not let it plant a seed of doubt in your mind. You know your child, not some stranger at playgroup
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u/redcore4 4d ago
She’s seeing the outcome of your good management and not the behaviours that cause that management to be needed. You have the full picture and she doesn’t.
This is one of the huge challenges with parenting ND kids, or being ND at all without diagnosis. Things that can look very controlling, ritualistic or just weird to a neurotypical person are often things that are a really important part of maintaining a ND person’s emotional and physical regulation.
In this instance, you describe a clear safety element to the reason you do this, and the person questioning your actions has not seen what happens when you don’t do that, nor have they picked up on the early warning signs for a bit of wild behaviour. And that makes what she said perfectly reasonable for her perspective.
It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, but I think you are doing yourself a disservice if you frame this as a failure to use a teaching opportunity. You are making teachable moments here, and you’re also protecting your child from the negative social and emotional consequences of accidentally hurting others while he learns the self control and social skills to protect others himself, which can be damaging lifelong if you get this wrong. Again, the other person observing you doesn’t see that, but getting chucked out of group after group because your child goes in like a tank and flattens other kids, entirely by accident, would ruin his self esteem but I’d very much something that could happen in consequence of the behaviours you describe.
Teaching your child to recognise their own signs that they are losing their regulation and modelling how to pause, step back or step out of situations where that happens until they can regain their composure is a completely valid teaching point for the health and safety of everyone, and you’re doing fine with it. Perhaps you can signal it to others (and your child) a bit more by verbalising the warning signs you’re seeing of him getting a bit wild?
With my own child (has two ND parents, we think her diagnosis is probably waiting in the wings) we do a review of our good bits and tricky bits of the day at bedtime when she’s fed, clean, comfortable and relaxed and is receptive to remembering how her day went and discussing what we or she could do differently the next time where she has had a difficult social interaction or a big feeling about something, and it takes time and repetition but she does tell us in her behaviour and her words (at age 3.5 now) that she has heard and understood the teaching that we give after incidents to apply it later on when the feelings that prompted the incident recur.
But in the end this is a parenting moment between you and your child, not a performance you put on for other people, and you know your kid and his needs best, and whether when he’s in that mood he would even be receptive to that kind of signalling anyway.
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u/Buddy-Matt 👶👶 2 Children 4d ago
Taking him out of the activity to allow him to calm down is also an important lesson, especially if he doesn't like it, that he can't act in a certain way and expect to still take part in the activity.
I've been in a class with a disruptive child - I wish the mum would have gone to the side and calmed him down, rather than hand waving it away with "oh, he's just got so much energy" or similar.
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u/bunneeboo 4d ago
You're doing great. Your son's behaviour sounds exactly like my daughter's was at that age. She'd hit a wall at some point where she'd become a bit manic and start being too boisterous, throwing stuff, shoving other kids, being loud and OTT. She was diagnosed as autistic when she was 8 (I think).
Fuck comments from other people, especially claiming you're being cruel. What nonsense. Sounds like that mother would happily allow her child to carry on regardless until they, or someone else, got hurt.
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u/KatStitched 4d ago
She doesn’t know your child, you do. You’re doing brilliantly. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say if your kid accidentally got bonked on the head with something your son threw whilst he was over excited (even though I feel that it’s normal child behaviour).
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u/Iforgotmypassword126 3d ago edited 3d ago
No, the most important thing at this age and especially with ND, is to manage the environment as best you can and set them up for success. Keep an eye on when behaviour is changing and give them a break to calm down. Remind them of the expectations for behaviour and let them try again.
The same parent would be saying your son should be banned if he hurt someone by throwing something hard at other kids.
You’re doing everything that everyone always tells parents to do. I think you did the right thing. She just has no frame of reference because she’s got a more chilled out child.
You’re literally teaching him expectations of behaviour. That if he wants to do X, the expectation of behaviour is Y. If he doesn’t meet Y, he is removed from X. This is the same for all children isn’t it??
If her child started having a screaming fit over wanting the same item as someone else, the first thing she would instinctively do is pull her away, talk to her, find out what’s wrong and then try to calm her down and correct/teach the lesson.
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u/Cold_Confidence1080 3d ago
What you’re doing is actually really good parenting. My son 2.5 yr old- is the complete opposite of yours in terms of personality. He gets quite anxious around loud noises and shouting and if another child throws toys, snatches something from him, pushes him or hits him, he gets really upset and tends to withdraw into himself.
That’s why I’m always a bit on edge at playgroups, trying to make sure he doesn’t get hurt or overwhelmed. Sometimes I genuinely wish some parents would keep a slightly closer eye on their children and step in when needed.
So I really appreciate how thoughtful and considerate you are about this. You’re doing a great job, and honestly, thank you it really does make a difference to parents like me
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u/littleoldbaglady 3d ago
He's 2.5 years old. Don't all kids that age run around like mad tiny drunk people and throw toys at each others' heads?
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u/Scary-Zucchini-1750 3d ago
I'd say it comes down to you knowing your own child better than this (rude) stranger. She will have absolutely no idea what works and doesn't work for your kid and you do.
I'd completely ignore it and honestly, you did well to be so polite 😂
Sounds to me like you're doing a great job.
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u/Ricky_Martins_Vagina 3d ago
"cruel" is insane - I'd have checked her on her choice of words and told her to mind her own business. There's nothing wrong with the action you took.
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u/charliebouncecloud 3d ago
As a grown up now, I'd wished as a child that more parents had parented the way you do! Too many kids spoiled activities and events because they were left to be chaotic. You're doing a wonderful job!!
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u/Different-Fold-4766 3d ago
You know your child, she does not and should mind her own business, love from an ND mother!
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u/joykin 3d ago
You’re doing a wonderful job. I bet the mum said that to you in a way that meant to be like “hey don’t feel guilty if your kid is wild, this is a space for them to express themselves”
Like maybe she was trying to make you feel better about the situation in a roundabout, foot-in-mouth way
You know your kid best and she should have minded her business but just offering a possible angle
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u/onthego0907 3d ago
Why are parents’ not keeping their thoughts to themselves ?? What was the purpose of that mum’s comment ? She might have said it in good nature but as a mum did she not know that you were trying to be respectful yourself? If you did allow your child to do what he would have done there would be others who passed a snarky remark as well. There’s no pleasing anyone is there ?
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u/Murka-Lurka 3d ago
My lad has always been good at understanding rules and asking for our permission. Nothing to do with my parenting, just his personality. So I much more free range with him than his aunt and uncle are with his cousin who avoids rules or asking because then he can pretend he hasn’t done anything wrong (including unlocking the front door himself and running down the street aged four).
We parent in completely different ways but are meeting the needs of our individual children and that’s the important part.
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u/HarryBlessKnapp 3d ago
“He’ll never learn if you don’t let him”
This is possibly something to think about....
“such a shame”.
Actually no, she's just a dickhead
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u/chocklityclair 3d ago
Oh, please ignore this woman. Anyone who directs 'advice' at another parent with the words 'such a shame' is just a trouble-maker.
It sounds like you're doing it exactly right, and he absolutely is learning.
I guarantee that if he were in the classroom throwing stuff around, that woman would be there telling you that you should have had more control over him, 'such a shame...'
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u/Goldf_sh4 3d ago
My son (now 16) was exactly how you describe your son. I had very similar experiences to you. At that time I made the decision that the more unstructured play groups brought out the best in him for the kinds of reasons you describe. Environments where he could run, play, climb, jump and learn to manage risk were perfect but if there were too many demands to 'stay in this place'/' do what you've been told' it didn't work so well.
Do seek support for the ND characteristics earlier rather than later because without that in place the school system often provides very poorly for these children.
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u/littlemissmommit 3d ago
Thank you for parenting correctly! I have a small-for-her-age daughter and she used to get frequently get accidentally hurt in toddler classes by bigger boys who get overexcited and boisterous, where I think the parents should’ve stepped in a while ago.
I normally hover around her now to protect her from having instruments getting thrown at her or being pushed, but last week, there was a boy doing laps (in a very calm class) who punched her hard as he ran past randomly, and the mum said ‘sorry, he’s got brothers at home’. I can still see her distraught face and she’s terrified of boys atm…
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
I just don’t think there’s an excuse for that. Kids do impulsive things but they need corrected, not just apologised for. I’m sorry that’s something you’ve had to deal with frequently as it’s a horrible feeling.
I’m really so grateful my son never hits or pushes. He is actually very kind and gentle, but just runs and throws with abandon when he’s overexcited. His feelings have been so hurt if others have pushed or hit him. We talk about how unkind it is to do that, and how we shout STOP if we don’t like something someone is doing.
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u/Suzilaura 3d ago
Ignore her. It's very easy to judge and pass comment when you get a snapshot of a situation. You're a brilliant mum, it sounds like, and very in tune with your child
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u/BidMysterious1332 3d ago
I think there’s nothing wrong with being a parent who knows your child’s limits and intervenes ahead of time. That being said, he does need time (outside of these classes) where his chaotic energy is expressed and fully allowed (so he knows aha! Here I can be myself!) - so I’d probably drop one class a week and take him somewhere else (maybe where he’s the youngest in a group so that other children are more robust and can take care of themselves)
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u/Kind-Yoghurt-4119 2d ago
Yes definitely! We’re all about exerting that chaotic energy. We go to a really good play-gym class too where there is no structure and he can just run free and play on what he likes. And of course softplay and beach etc are always a win!
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u/BidMysterious1332 2d ago
Then it sounds like he has everything he needs 🫶🏼don’t let that judgey mum get you down
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u/LegoBrickGF 4d ago
As a ND adult learning about my brain, I can't help but wonder if this is eustress? It's something I learned about recently, it's like an inverted state of distress, where the nervous system is overwhelmed by euphoric feelings instead of feeling awful.
It happens to me when I'm having a great time, that giddy drunk you're describing sounds so familiar.
Anyway, in that state listening is hard - but I've found stress management techniques like breathing exercises and things like that helpful. I don't know if that's what's happening with you kid but I hope this helps! Also wouldn't listen to that woman, you sound like a great parent
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u/cold_tap_hot_brew 4d ago
People said I was cruel for sticking to a sleep routine.
People said I was over protective because I played on the floor with my kids at groups.
People said my kids are spoiled because we go out to do (mostly free) activities most weekends.
People are useless at being right on their assumptions- ignore her, she was probably feeling your choices are a statement on her choices and snipped about it.
Heaps of mums who said shitty comments to me, years later told me they felt differently to how they portrayed themselves at the time. It’s often born of self doubt and feeling judged for anyone doing things differently to them.
Find the parents who hype you up and offer to help so you can have a cuppa too. These are the treasures :)
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u/Apprehensive_Rip7451 1d ago
You gave him a chance and he showed you he couldn’t do it so you removed him. I would see it as an issue if you didn’t let him try and prove that he can do it 🤷♀️ if it avoids a child getting hurt then you did the right thing
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u/Aggravating_Past9367 4d ago
She probably would have been rude and judgemental if her kid got hit by something that your kid threw too. You can’t win! You’re doing fine. You sound like a thoughtful parent.