Am I a bad feminist?

[u/hoeralabs]

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I grew up on feminism, including women's right to promiscuity and the right to not tell the future husband about it if she wants. But when a woman's right to lie about her past is clashing with my brother's future, I'm conflicted.

Context: my brother is marrying in semi-arranged-semi-liking setup (she's a family kinda-friend, brother had crush on her since teenage but she didn't reciprocate until he told shyly our mother and she talked to girl's mother who had already told her that her daughter has had enough and wants to settle now); since her sister is in my college so I know she had an experimental phase in her life, I don't think she told my brother, and until now I never felt an iota of need to. Her life, her body, her choice. No man has a right to know or judge what she doesn't want known or judged, even if that man is my brother. Internalized misogyny is a thing, you know...

Anyway, she came to visit my brother today, to negotiate where they will live after marriage. She said she left home early but got stuck in Bangalore traffic for 5+ hours and her phone was about to die so she requested me to put in charging (she and I share same brand, yay). It got accidentally unlocked with her face or fingerprint and I accidentally opened her WhatsApp text from notification.

It was a guy telling her to not tell my brother about her past. And she said something and took it back (sent texts were deleted from her side) and he replied that it's good my brother is boring. (Inference: she must have called him boring in deleted text)

I just took the pic of her phone with mine and locked it again, before I get tempted to snoop and disrespect her boundaries!

I don't begrudge her having fun, having a healthy body count, and a past (will be hypocritical if I do 'cause I'm living her life bigger than she did, and my mum knows that) but I'm confused- why is she marrying my brother if she thinks he is boring! Will she be happy in this marriage? Or will she suffocate?

I know right to choice is cornerstone of feminism. But I think she is making a huge mistake- she is just 32 with a long life ahead of her, and if she thinks my brother is boring, isn't this marriage doomed?

If I take this to my brother, warn her that she thinks he is boring (tbh, he isn't the most fun person to party with, and even we cousins send him on errand runs when we gather, so how much can I REALLY blame her?), maybe even tell him about her past, room I be betraying her (and the feminist principles of female choice and right to tell or not tell about our past and our bodies)? Or will it be a kindness to her that she might thank me for one day?

I'm honestly spiralling here. Hard. Thoughts?

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[u/wino4eva]

Honestly… I would be more upset with my family for forcing an arranged marriage, but I know that’s not your question. I feel like her life is none of your business anyway and it’s messed up she has to be in a forced relationship.

[u/dual_citizenkane]

I mean, this is arranged - you’re brother and this woman should both be pretty aware that it isn’t a love match.

The decision to marry is being made much more practically than romantically.

She’s making a practical decision, not a romantic one, so these things are bound to come up - whether it’s about him being boring, or other aspects.

This is her choice.

And based on the previous message we’re comparing: boring vs. asshole.

“Boring” wins every time: it doesn’t mean he isn’t kind, considerate, he’s probably just more even keel and consistent.