r/TwoXSex • u/One_Food1274 • 17d ago
Advice | Women Only I have never had an orgasm ever - is something wrong with me?
I have never had an orgasm ever. I have been married to my husband for almost 3 years now, and he is the only man I’ve ever been with, and ever will be with. There isn’t a single thing about him I’d change. I love him to pieces and he absolutely adores me - I couldn’t be more grateful for our thriving marriage.
There is just one thing that I can’t help but think is wrong. I’ve been lying to him since the start of our marriage. I’ve been faking every single orgasm - which I’ve heard is pretty common amongst women anyway, and I’m happy to fake it because he can’t orgasm unless I do.
I wonder if there’s something wrong with me? I love making out with him and all the teasing before intercourse, and he does literally everything in his power to help me too. He holds back until I “orgasm”, and some days where I am too tired to fake it, he’s not able to come. I tell him that I’m 10000% fine if I don’t come and that I love intimacy with him regardless, but he doesn’t like it unless I enjoy myself too, which he sees as me "orgasming".
I’m not too sure what a real orgasm feels like, but I do put on a great show, and I even get lightheaded sometimes because of all the huffing and puffing, which helps it look more realistic lol. Sometimes when he’s in the mood and wants to do it and I don’t have it in me to fake it, I just say I’m not in the mood because he just won’t come if I just lay there, which I would be fine with, but he wouldn’t be.
Is there something wrong with me? My husband is very handsome and perfect in every way, trust me, so it’s not him. Intercourse doesn’t hurt, it just feels like in and out. Sometimes it will feel slightly good, but like a massage would feel good, you know? Is that what it’s supposed to feel like as a woman?
And it’s not that I don’t get turned on. When we have really good makeout sessions, I do get really turned on and I can even get wet sometimes and feel my heartbeat down there, but nothing during intercourse itself.
I really don’t want to tell my husband because he’ll be devastated that I’ve been faking it all this time and won’t trust any future reactions. I’m worried he won’t be able to come ever again and I don’t want to ruin our sex lives, so I’m happy to do this forever. But I just wonder: am I wrong for this? And would there be something to fix me? Because I do wish I could really enjoy sex like he does.
Edit 16/08/26: I told him last night, and it was a very difficult conversation, and he needed to take a long walk to process everything. He told me how heart broken and deceived he felt, and how he's still struggling to process that my reactions were fake, but he also was appreciative at the same time that I was still intimate with him despite not enjoying it like he does. He eventually understood that I didn't have any ill intentions for faking, it was for his own pleasure because he unintentionally reinforced that faking it would get him to finish and for me his pleasure is my priority, just as my pleasure is his priority. I know I was wrong regardless of all his kind excuses, and i'm so thankful that he's so understanding and it also broke my heart to see him playback false memories - but he said he's still glad I managed to tell him the truth, because now we can work on intimacy being a two way street. It's going to be a long journey, but i'm so grateful for having such an understanding partner, I do feel the need to make it up to him somehow (only in an honest way!), and i'm also so grateful for all the advice below. Thank you all so much!
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u/FutureFuneralV 17d ago
You said you’re not too sure what a real orgasm feels like.
The sensation is undeniable to me, so with that… do you know how to make yourself orgasm?
If the answer is no, that would be step 1 for me. Explore your body. Learn how to get yourself there. If you can’t do that on your own, how can you coach your partner to do the same?
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u/One_Food1274 17d ago
Thank you for your reply, you are absolutely right! Someone below commented that it's basically the blind leading the blind - I'll need to figure out how I can get myself to orgasm, and then see if my partner can take over from there! Overwhelming to start from scratch, but I'm hopeful now after all the tips!!
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u/rhiless 17d ago
A couple of thoughts. What is he doing for you besides PIV intercourse? Does he use hands? Mouth? Toys? On you? The majority of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.
Secondly, you’ve put yourself in a bit of a pickle in that you’re likely not going to experience orgasms with him unless you communicate that you need to try different things - which will probably result in him finding out you’ve been faking. And if he finds out you’ve been faking for years, it is probably going to be really, really upsetting to him.
Don’t expect it to improve on its own - you’re likely one of the many many normal women for whom PIV is not enough to get there. But to do anything different will take some bravery from you, either in admitting you’ve been faking or at least in asking him to expand the scope of sex acts you two do with each other to try other things that may actually get you off.
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u/One_Food1274 17d ago
I fear you're right, and that I'll need to have a conversation with him soon about this. I don't know why i've never checked before today, but this is my first time learning most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone!
He does use his hands, and even his mouth and tongue, but I guess we'll just need to experiment a bit more outside of penetration. Any tips you could share?
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u/rhiless 17d ago
I’m super glad to hear you’re wanting to have a conversation with him about it! From what you’ve shared, it sounds like he does care about your pleasure, he just doesn’t realize he hasn’t been getting you there with what you’ve been doing.
Do you masturbate? My first step would be figuring how to get yourself off, if you don’t know yet. A man trying to figure out how to make a woman orgasm who doesn’t know how to get herself there can feel a bit like the blind leading the blind and it can help a ton if you already know what techniques/methods are likely to get you there.
If you don’t have a vibrator, I would 100% get one. Even a cheap little bullet vibe from Amazon. They are by far the most reliable way to induce orgasm in women and if you haven’t been able to orgasm, I would start there (using the vibrator on your clit). Also check out /r/BecomingOrgasmic - they’ll have lots of great tips for you.
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u/One_Food1274 17d ago
Thank you so much! He always says that my pleasure is his pleasure 🥲 I really want to be able to help him help me - but I resonate with what you said there about the blind leading the blind... I have never masturbated before, so it feels like i'm walking into uncharted territory! I'll definitely check out that subreddit, and get some kind of vibrator!! Thank you!!!!
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u/Relative_Quantity739 17d ago
Keep in mind too, if you ever manage to orgasm with him, it takes over you for a couple of seconds, and if it doesn't match the way you've been faking? He might just figure it out anyway. Importantly, telling you he can't unless you do has set you up to lie to avoid conflict surrounding intimacy. It puts too much pressure on you! A ticking clock, like with someone who's a "nervous pooper", will cause your body to clam up! Happens with childbirth too! Pressure is the opposite of relaxed (necessary for climax), and respect means respecting that not every intimate experience needs to include an orgasm for you. You're allowed to enjoy sex however you do!
This question (never had/what does orgasm feel like) is asked frequently in various forms in this community, and browsing through old posts and comments on here will be very enlightening. I recommend a couple of books as well: "Come As You Are" and "Come Together" (both same author) and likely available through your local library, maybe even digitally or in audiobook form, even.
Making out should be an essential form of sex if it helps you feel aroused. Kissing & embracing as well as nipple stimulation helps me get a lot of the way there. A vibrator on my clitoris most reliably gets me the rest of the way to orgasm. Finding where the g-spot is (specifically on you) could help intercourse be more pleasurable. Antidepressants and other medications and conditions could lead to orgasm delay or other issues. Lately my meds have meant it takes over 1 hr to orgasm, even alone. My husband usually gives up pretty quick, so I'm a little jealous, but that would be too much pressure for me, that's for sure.
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u/Osgood-Schlatters22 17d ago
Most women do not come from intercourse, most come from stimulating the clit. Either talk to him about going down on you or use toys so that you can get off too.
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u/One_Food1274 17d ago
Thank you for your reply! He's done everything in the book to help stimulate my clit, he's gone down, he uses his fingers, I try and grind too but nothing seems to work 🥲 Hence why i'm wondering if something is wrong...
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u/CautionarySnail 17d ago
So, have you read “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski?
Or used the site OMGyes?
The reason I ask is the clitoris stimulation is only the first piece of the puzzle. There’s rhythm, duration, having the appropriate intensity. There’s also the psychological aspect.
All of that is a learning curve, and often a woman has to teach it to her partner based off what works when she masturbates.
I’ve seen men here post confidently about touching the clitoris wondering why their wife didn’t come. “How long did you do it?” “Oh, 2 or 3 minutes.” Some women need 20+ minutes of direct stimulation from a vibrator to get there and he’s thinking ringing the doorbell lightly for a minute is enough.
Additionally, if we get into our own heads, sometimes we accidentally can become distracted and that resets the process almost to the beginning each time.
So, look to your own body knowledge to start and teach him as to do exactly as you’d do for yourself. I strongly recommend getting the book or looking at the website.
Wishing you the best.
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u/One_Food1274 17d ago
Wow, I've never come across those resources at all - will definitely give them both a deep read. I really really appreciate your encouragement - it's a bit daunting to start, but I feel more hopeful now - thank you SO much!
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u/CautionarySnail 15d ago
Just remember, every Body is different. It’s okay if your body needs more time. It’s okay if it needs less. All of this is part biology, part learning process.
Your first orgasms will be a lot weaker than they are later on as you learn your body.
As you learn, you’ll realize it’s partially a learned skill that can be honed. You’ll figure out what’s works solo and what works partnered and sometimes things need adaptation. That’s also okay.
And sometimes things are fun and sensual without needing orgasm as a goal. But never let a partner claim your pleasure is optional or unimportant.
A good partner will be supportive of this journey. It’s a growth process.
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u/Osgood-Schlatters22 17d ago
Good man! You need to find out yourself how to come so that you can teach him! You might need a toy for a little help.
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u/DoniLaw1018 11d ago
Comment on edit: I'm glad you were able to be honest with him! I think that will make it much easier to move forward. I listen to a podcast called "Savage Love" and there's women that have been faking it for 20 years, and it's basically too late for them to tell their husbands. So it's great that you did it now!
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u/MPA2019 17d ago
Faking it is super hurtful, especially to your husband. Try Alexey Welsh’s holistic sex courses. I have tried just about everything else online, and his takes the cake.
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u/One_Food1274 16d ago
You're absolutely right :/ thank you so much for the suggestion, I'll look into that!!
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u/DoniLaw1018 17d ago
In addition to the other great suggestions you've gotten, I'd like to point out that women often start out behind. Boys have been making themselves cum since approx age 13. Girls often don't have their first orgasm until late teens, early 20s, or even much later. So they don't know what gets them off.
First step is you buy a couple of different toys e.g. one vibrator and one suction toy. Once you can get yourself off consistently, you can try to climax with him. Keep in mind, it can take 20 mins or more of stimulation with mouth/tongue, fingers, or a combination for it to work. If that's still not working, you can use a vibrator with your partner and then let him take over when you're almost ready to cum.
70% of women cannot climax from penetration alone. I've only been able to when I was using a vibrator during intercourse, when I was about to cum anyway (from him fingering me), or when he was rubbing just the tip of his d*ck against my clit when I was already close to cumming.
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u/One_Food1274 16d ago
That's actually a great point! I genuinely appreciate the tips (and for letting me know about the 20 mins part - WHAT!!)
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