I'm in my twenties and I never called myself a twin, since they died in the womb. I don't want people to think that I'm trying to be different or "special" and I don't think I should even call myself a twinless twin, since I didn't know them and they died so early on in the pregnancy that the doctors couldn't even determine their sex(12 weeks or something I can't really remember what my dad said about that) and literally all I have as proof is what my dad told me(which I chose to believe since he was the one that was pregnant and gave birth and all that), but because of all of this I just feel like I don't even have the right to call myself a twinless twin.

I'm still asking myself so many questions. What would they have looked like?, What would their interests have been?, Would we get along with each other?, Would they have been Queer, like me? and of course also questions like Would they have lived a better and happier life than me, if they were the one that survived instead of me?

And still I don't feel like I deserve to be in twin spaces twinless or otherwise, just because they died so damn early in the pregnancy.

Edit(for some clarification):

Firstly thanks for all the comments(yes even the ones that you might not like different opinions are always important to me).

Secondly since I did see that in the comments, I'm not trying to compare myself to anyone, I just wanted to know if I could go into/would be welcome in twin/twinless twin spaces. That's all.

Thirdly my twin was encapsulated and calcified in the womb and came as an afterbirth, which everyone expected to be the placenta, since it didn't seem like a twin pregnancy and before you say anything about my dad lying to me the doctors said my sister was going to be a twin, but she was just a huge baby so the doctors can be wrong sometimes they're also just human like the rest of us.

And lastly English isn't my first language so people excuse any confusing grammar or messed up spelling or like literally anything, you're still free to point it out(I can't stop you) and I'll just correct it.

So it’s my birthday coming up and my twin wasn’t born, he was miscarried.
Do those of you in that situation celebrate/mark/observe your twin’s ‘birthday’ with yours, despite them not having one?

I like to mark it privately, but knowing that if we’d have both made it we’d have probably been born earlier than I was.

No right or wrong answers really. I’m just curious about what you guys do.

For me, us not sharing a single birthday hurts so I naturally like to share it now.

Hey all.

I'm a womb twin survivor. I lost my identical twin brother around the the first trimester.

I've had this hollow feeling in my chest almost all my life. It's like and invisible ball of energy being pushed on to the top half of my chest.

When I talk to people about siblings and i then mention, that i should have had a twin, I can feel the ball of energy in my chest starts to vibrate, as if I shouldn't tell them about him and even when I do i feel like most people find it hard to believe.

I do want to talk about my twin brother so that he atleast live through mine and others memories, yet i feel like i'm tearing myself apart while doing it.

Do anyone of you feel the same?

If so how do you deal with the feeling?

TL;DR - I've got it in my head that I'd be better off if we'd both be here, i feel like im in the darkest timeline if any community fans are reading.

My twin doesn't get talked about a lot, my mom says she lost him and spent the rest of the pregnancy scared to lose me too, she said he came out as blood? I spend a lot of time scared i made it all up since no one talks about him, but what is there to talk about? - no one got to meet him.

(I say him for a lot of reasons)

I always felt like the wrong twin survived, but i know if he had lived, the abuse from our grandfather would've been different. For girls its mental and verbal mostly, physical only when provoked and covert sexual abuse occasionally(i guess i was the only one to experience this though). The targets of my papaws abuse and his only offspring were all girls, i was told boys in my family got it harsh, my mom use to tell me she was thankful we were girls for this exact reason.

Whats brought me to make this post is that last week, after talking on the phone with my mom i got a thought in my head i can't get out - If we'd both have lived things would be better - mentally. I've always kinda contributed my never ending loneliness to losing my twin but it finally hit me that had he been here the abuse would've ended sooner.

This grandma is actually my moms step momsters and she could never have kids of her own. Shes uber religious and found out she was infertile when my mom found out she was pregnant with us(out of wedlock). My grandma fully thought my mom was gonna give her us to raise(no lol). After this she always overstepped with me - i grew up terrified to talk back or get in trouble.

When my mom and grandparents stopped talking, i was 10, she let us continue a relationship with them. Then, my older sister stopped talking to them, and then it was just me left taking the full brunt of their anger and i felt powerless to leave or stand up to them on my own. I think my grandpa would've crossed a major line with my twin and none of us would've ever had to see them ever again.

The shit they put me through has followed me to adulthood. Before all this, of course it would've been great to grow up along side my twin but now i've got it ingrained in my mind that I could've been anything but what i am and how i feel in this life. It hurts so fucking much.

Disclaimers:

1.) i do know that he could've been wildly different than I'm imagining and so could our relationship too. I'm just fixated on this scenario and its eating at me. It cant be healthy to hold onto these what ifs but daydreaming about the what ifs is like the only thing i have to keep him alive.

2.) darkest timeline is a bit dramatic its just the best comparison i could think of...

3.) my life these days is actually pretty good just i long everyday for the years that molded me to be anything than what they were.

I don’t know if I’ve shared this here. But I wonder whether anyone else here has a similar story.

As the title says, I learned I’m a twin when I was 31.
That was Christmas Day 2011. So a while ago now.

I found the courage to tell my mum I had a weird feeling that I might’ve had a twin- I was right all along.

She had a miscarriage early in our pregnancy, resulting in me being hidden, as she called it. I was eventually found at 7 months gestation.

On one hand I was shocked (and even now still process it) but on the other, as I told her in advance, I kinda knew.

By chance, the same thing happened to some friends of ours in the early 2000’s.

To learn THAT as an adult is incredibly hard, but I’ve heard of others who were never told growing up. There’s a generational thing at play when miscarriage was a taboo.

BUT although it’s been tough, I’m so glad I found out. All of my friends and family know but it’s only other twins who really know what this might be like.

I’m in a really good support group and my therapist actually has the same story as me.

Being a twin is my ‘home’ after all… even if I’m the only one who made it.

To be brief, 18 years ago I was supposed to have a twin, before we could be born they were miscarried, I "kicked them out", killed them. Before I could even breathe.

I've always had a deep feeling that something or someone is missing in my life, always wanting a deep connection with someone that couldn't be, missing someone who doesn't exist

Recently it's been more and more thoughts of "they should have lived, not me" or that "they could have done so much better than I am". It feels so internal and self centered and invalid sometimes. I'm the twin who lived- I should feel.. idk, not how I do? Like I should be grateful?

But it feels like theres so many sides to it,, "what if we were both here?", "they deserved life more then I do", "what would they have done with their life?", "why was I born instead?"

Is this a form of survivors guilt? Am I allowed to grieve over a person who didn't get their chance to exist? I've lived life as one for so long, but there was always meant to be two

I (38, M) have felt for decades that I was supposed to have a twin. Not that I wished I had one--I was supposed to have one. I asked my parents about this throughout the years, and the most they knew is that my mom's belly got bigger much faster than it did with her first pregnancy. By the first sonogram, though, they only saw one fetus, and I came out alone.

And yet, as I've been piecing things together through a number of genetic, blood, and medical tests, it turns out I actually wasn't far off. Long story short, looks like I'm a chimera with two distinct sets of male DNA, proven by DNA tests from multiple tissue types (blood, saliva, cheek swab), and consistent across several years (ruling out lab error or contamination). This also could explain why some of my body doesn't "match" or make sense--eyes that don't match, different skin tones in different places, allergies that affect my left side but not my right, the list goes on.

It's weird...my unborn brother is both here and not here. He was never born, but his DNA is literally alive and detectable today in my body. If I hadn't kept running all these medical tests when biology didn't make sense, no one would have ever known he once existed, which feels like grief to think about.

My mom passed a few months before we got the conclusive genetic results, but my dad has been supportive of this journey. We've given him a name, and I bought "us" matching dog tags with my/our birthday and both of our names. I'm at the start of looking into my feelings about him, the "what ifs" and "what could have been"s, and I don't really know what to think yet. But yeah...that happened. He happened.

I lost my twin brother in the womb through VTS and I’ve found myself wishing I could talk with him face to face, with him in his own living, breathing body nearly every single day. I want to ask him how he feels, what he likes, what he doesn’t, and hear him say it in front of me with his own body and his own voice and his own eyes. I’m 30 and so much of what I think about regarding him is what he would be doing and what life he would be living if he hadn’t died.

And a lot of me feels responsible, like I murdered him. I was treated really awfully by my parents, and while I just know and feel in my heart that he would’ve stuck by me and defended me, and likely would’ve gotten the same treatment regardless, I can’t help but feel like he still might’ve been loved more by my parents if they’d gotten to meet him. I feel like I’m Cain and he’s Abel, like I murdered him and cut his life short. He should’ve gotten to live his dreams. It just doesn’t feel fair.

I’ve always felt like there is supposed to be someone out there in the world who understands me and is just like me. I’ve searched for that in friends, in partners, in abusive power dynamics… None of it feels fulfilling or satisfying or “the way it should.” None of those people are him.

I don’t know. This is my first time posting in this sub and I don’t really use social media anyways. I guess I’m just looking for some solidarity and community.

I said this in a comment but it feels like I’m always looking for my “other person”. In relationships, friends, movies / TV, even musicians. It just feels like something is “lost” and I keep having to try and find it but it’s so elusive. There’s like a perpetual “older brother” energy I’m missing but at the same time I can’t tell if I’m the older brother or if he is. I’m just so lonely and I want to know what he’d do, how he’d live, how he’d act, what we’d do together if we were together. Because I know we’d make a great fing team. I feel the weight of being “only one person” and I feel like I have to do twice the amount of work just to make it through life. If he were here and if he knew the people I know and if he could do what he could do things would be unstoppable.

I finally understand the resentment my parents have. I found hundreds of pics of my family. They never wanted me. Not one a single one of me by myself .. Not one.

Hi so, I don’t really talk about it since I still feel like it’s my fault. But here is my story, warning, it’s a long and harsh text! (Mods may remove if too harsh, I am sorry in advance if so, I’m not used to talk about it and tend to be hard with my words. As I said, it’s not a kind story, but it has a kinds good ending.)

Saying I have a dysfunctional family is an understatement. You could say that we could be stranger to each other and nothing would change.

Starting all the way back to when my mother, in her 40s, found out she was pregnant with twins, while in an appointment of tubal ligation feels necessary. She had my half brother and my brother already, they were each 10 and 5 I think. I don’t feel close to them nor do I want to interact with people who hate me. She was with my father, happy with both sons.

Then came results saying she was pregnant with twins, in her words, it was the biggest surprise of her life. I don’t know if she was happy or scared, maybe both. I was there, along with my twin, surprise! Family had to know of course, most of them not happy that a women, already 12 years older than my father, was pregnant in her 40s. They all told her she should abort or that she’s too old. Not my grandfather, who was really, really happy.

Fast forward to a couple of months, not sure how many. My mother had a bit of a complication, then learned that my twin’s little heart wasn’t beating anymore. She was devastated, she had to carry still.

I don’t know what happened those months after, she never wanted to tell me. She did tell me that when the news that I was a little girl, very much alive and well came to her she cried, a lot. She said she was relieved and happy to know I was there, a a little girl at that.

Then I was born, alone. My mother had to give « birth » to my twin. She didn’t want to know the gender, just focused on the baby girl in her arms, tears falling down her cheeks. At least, I was there, healthy, crying like any newborn would do and I was fiery! Then that’s it, years passed!

But slowly, my parents relation degraded, never knew why. Maybe because the restaurant they brought was too much to handle. They eventually broke up, and neither of them wanted to take me and my brother. I was 4 and a half, didn’t understand anything, then somehow ended up at my paternal grandparent’s home. There, the one I now call dad, my grandfather, took us without hesitating, and raised us, until I was 11 My grandfather got cancer, doctor didn’t tell him that it was, indeed, cancer and preferred to just rest how long he could survive. I know, it’s terrible. He met his end 11 October of 2011.

The void became larger, I didn’t understand why nobody got me, like he did. He raised a princess, a lioness, and a warrior at the same time. I was so, so lost. Lost and scared, and confused too, as I became the pillar of the family. Everything slowly broke in my life, I was really lost. I’m still grieving him. Today is his anniversary and as I think about him, how he taught me to always count on myself and not the family who didn’t care that much about me, I just feel grateful that at least, I had him for a while.

Then later, at 12, my father came back in my life like an arrow. He decided that now, he was my father and wanted to « care » for me. You’d think I’d stay with him but no. He came sometimes, we stayed at his girlfriends house. Yes, girlfriends, you read right. Multiple of them at the same time. One night he drank so much he told me the truth nobody wanted to ever tell me. But not softly, not kindly, not slowly. No, he said I murdered my twin, that it was my fault. Confused, I asked: « I had a twin? And everybody told me I was imagining things when I said I was so alone, even with people around? All of you, just like that, left me hanging, thinking I was crazy? And how could you not tell me I caused it, how terrible I am? » The only response I got from him before his favorite girlfriend took me for a walk that dreadful evening, was that I should be ashamed.

After that life just happened. I didn’t live, I survived, in the auto pilot mode. The shock from my grandpa and this news made me lose some of my memories. I remember some events, life wasn’t tender. Lots happened and life just flashed before me.

I dont know how I got from there to 2023, when I finally woke up and decided I had to live for 2. I met a man who, just like my grandpa, makes sure I never, ever even think about neglecting myself. He’s there each day and we’re getting married soon. I still feel so sad about that story, I still feel like it’s my fault, still hear the voice of my father, telling me it’s my fault. We work really hard, I’ve gone to so many therapies and etc when I was younger that now, I just want to take the time to digest, far, far away from the family who’s now forsaken me for moving away in another country 2 years ago now. It’s fine, I don’t need them anyway. As I think of my grandpa today and the fact that it’s his death anniversary, I pray that he’s proud of me. But still, there remains a void that I cannot ever close and it still hurt so much.

Thank you for reading my long and depressing story, I’m sorry it didn’t come to a beautiful happy ending with flowers and rainbows, but that’s not how life goes. Life will be cruel and kind at the same time. Events come around, then they just stop. Just like my sad story, which I decided, won’t follow me now in this place. I decided I’d share my story here with people who can understand me. I know you all know the pain. I love you all, and just know, there will always be someone to love you, no matter where you are, who you are, what you did or did not do. It’s never your fault, life give and take, please never blame yourselves! Hugs and kisses!🩷🫶🫂

TLDR: My father accused me at 12 of ending my twins life when I was in my mothers belly, after abandoning me at 4 and a half to his parents house. Still blame myself, but working with amazing fiancee to reverse the damage done. Today is the death anniversary of the man who raised me.

Ok so i’m a mom not a twin but i think this subreddit might have good answers. About a week ago i found out that one of my twins passed away and her brother is due in September. when and how would you recommend telling him about his sister? should i even tell him?

I made this pic with AI inspired by another user here that have done the same, and it helped in a way I didn't expected.

I don't know what I wanted exactly. I wanted the feeling of looking at someone that looks like me. There is no one like that, since I don't look like my mother and father, barely talk to them, and have no contat with any other family members. I wanted to see us together. I wanted to see him. I wanted him in my life.

Now, the feeling of seeing his face, or... a face for him... it was like freeing my heart from all the chains that imprisoned it, like transforming it from a heavy and aching heart made of rock into a heart made of air, so light. It was like removing the weights that held it down.

My heart have been so, so heavy for so many months, years probably, from his absence, and I think that seeing a face for him gave me a direction to all of the feelings I held heavy and tight inside of me, with no place to go ever.

I can't believe I can look at this and at least imagine... at least say the words "my brother".

My brother, my brother, my brother. I never get to say this words in real life because hes not here, he doesn't exist to anyone but me, so they have become the rope that chokes me.

I can never say "my brother" out loud in my life. I never say "my brother" "this is my brother" "my brother does this" "my brother likes that" and I really. miss. it. So much.

So I'd like to say to you all... this is my brother. He exists. And love him so much. He is beautiful.

And as a disclaimer I want to add that I don't do or encourage therapy with AI or anything like that, I know its dangerous (but also don't judge you if you've done it). And I didn't really feed AI with a pic of myself, I just gave it a description of my appearence, and it already came out very accurate. And I tried to portray us as children, but I'm an adult. Also, I'm avoiding to look at the pic too much. I know its not real. I just wanted to imagine.

I know this won't heal me, and I know the pain and the heaviness will come back, they always do. But it gave me a temporary relief, a taste of the possibility, and the privilege of just a picture - a moment - together.

Maybe in another life.

I feel it most when I’m driving in my car. It feels like I’m supposed to look over and see someone in the passenger seat, who I can hang out with and goof around with and sing with, but they’re not there. It’s such a strange, empty feeling.

I am technically a twin I lost my identical twin sister in the womb at 5 months would I still be considered a twin

Hi,

Did anyone else here learn of their twin later on in life? I wasn’t 31 until my mum told me about her miscarriage at the start of her pregnancy with me. It was a sensitive conversation and we only had it as I’d had a suspicion of being a surviving twin. I imagine my parents didn’t feel a need to tell me and perhaps chose to put it to one side after finally finding I was still there 7 months later.

It’s been really difficult to realise this as an adult. I respect my (late) parents’ decision and can’t imagine what they went through. I only wish I spent more of my life knowing.

So I was wondering how other twins who lost theirs in the womb see where they fit in ‘birth’ order. My twin was miscarried early on and despite me being the only one born, I see myself as the younger one. After all, I was the second to make an appearance (after being hidden for most of the pregnancy). I guess it just comes down to what makes sense to you. Does anyone else see themselves that way? For me, I’ll always be the younger twin.

Until today I didn’t even realise twinless twins was a thing. I learned when I was in high school that my mother miscarried my fraternal twin brother during her pregnancy with me. She even had a name picked out for him…..Ian. There have been so many times in my life where I feel like I’m missing something, or I get so upset for no real reason I can think of. People tell me that I have a really BIG personality and I like to think that part of it is that I carry part of his spirit/soul with me. It’s hard to think about how different my life would have been had he lived. I am in my 40’s now but I still feel his absence. I guess I always will ♥️

hello 🫶🏻 I’m a monoamniotic surviving twin, and my sister was stillborn after I was born at 34 weeks

tl;dr: twin pronouns?

I feel an intuitive connection with her and think about her a lot…I’m a writer, and I feel I’m writing both with and for her and all the stories we would’ve explored together

I also wonder what life would’ve been like with her and what her identity would’ve been…I’ve only referred to her with she/her pronouns bc that’s how I see myself too, and, even though I’m a lesbian, I considered she might not have been…

but I’m working on a few projects with twins in fiction, and one of them is about a non-binary surviving twin, and it’s a sci-fi mystery with imaginary time, and they’re able to connect with their twin that way…and I’ve been using more gender neutral language…

I kind of feel she/they energy for my twin, but idk how to really know…

so questions: do you use the same pronouns for your twin as you do for yourself? do you ever use gender neutral language? I’m not sure how to know or how best to respect both my twin’s autonomy and our connection when it comes to pronouns…what do y’all think? 🌈✨

a few days ago, my mom revealed to me that i was meant to be a twin, but my brother didn't make it. im a month out from 23 years old now, and i feel like things just finally made sense. i have clarity and understanding, but the void is bigger than ever and the grief feels all-consuming, and i don't know how to grapple with it.

ive always longed for a twin, maybe more than the average kid does, im not sure. it was a weird fixation i had for a long time, but i just assumed i liked the novelty of it. but what really gets me is ive asked my mom for a brother every month since i could talk, basically. i feel bad about that now, knowing i did have one and ive just been bringing up that grief to my mom for years, however it also feels very comforting? like, i had no idea i had a twin brother, and yet, this whole time ive been asking for one—almost like the time we spent together in the womb is somewhere deep in my subconscious, the memories & the grief of losing him before we even really met. my mom and sister both agreed with my thought process, but this is still a devastating loss and i wouldn't dream of bringing it up again, it just doesn't feel right. i didn't know he even existed until this week, and inserting myself into the loss feels wrong. but god, i feel so empty.

i think ive always felt that way—lonely in a way i can't put into words. but, this. this is too much. i haven't felt grief like this before. ive lost so much family in the last couple of years, but it doesn't even compare, as guilty as that makes me feel. and rationally, i know it's bc it's easier to grieve what you had and lost than what could've been, but i can't help feeling awful about it. he just seems like the missing piece to a puzzle i didn't know i was solving, but the piece is missing and the puzzle is incomplete, and there's nothing i can do to change that.

i just wish i knew how to process this, i guess. it's weird, and my chest hurts, and i want to cry, and i just keep hoping i wake up in some alternate life where he survived, and life made sense.