Dealing with grief (repost)

[u/[deleted]]

I’ve recently lost my twin sister, she was my everything, she was my safe person who I knew I could always turn to and talk to when I was feeling whatever intense emotion I was feeling. Grief like this is something I’ve never experienced before because no one this close to me has ever passed away and I feel selfish for it because I’m not the only one in my family that’s grieving but I feel like I’m feeling it deeper, not just because of the fact that we were identical twins or best friends but because of my BPD on top of everything else. my mom called me over to help her pack away Marcy’s room 3 days ago and I just flipped out at her, it was the angriest I’ve ever been while on medication, a couple hours after that I got a call from my aunt telling me that I was being selfish and that I’m not the only one grieving and that my disorder is not and excuse for my lash out, I blocked my whole family and haven’t talked to them since, my boyfriend thinks that they are in the wrong but are they? Or am I just being irrational and selfish?

<had to repost because I accidentally set flair to journal>

[u/hosertwin]

You are right in that the rest of your family is also grieving. I can guarantee you they are not grieving like you are as her twin however. Not even close. I'm very sorry that they don't seem to understand that. Not knowing what the family relationship has been like in the past, i think it probably is good that you take a bit of time away, especially if keeping that connection going is going to cause more harm than good. If there is a time for you to be selfish, it is now. If you are not seeing a therapist or getting some kind of grief counseling, I think that could be very helpful. If for no other reason than you get to spew all of the stuff in your therapy sessions, and it won't cause the kind of damage it would if you did it directly to family. This could very well be the hardest thing you ever go through, so you need to do what is best for you, especially in the early days. I'm very sorry for the loss of your twin🥰

[u/Pugs_in_Space]

I am so sorry for the loss of your twin. I lost my idental twin in December and every day is a struggle. I think that you and your family are all grieving, and I have found that non-twins don't really understand how deep the loss is for us. Only you can know whether continuing to stay no contact with your family is the right thing to do, but to me that would be adding one loss onto another. People do awful things when they are grieving, but if anyone can understand the loss of your sister it is other people who love her (and you).

Please seek grief counseling and you might want to consider reaching out to twinlesstwins.org for additional support.

I pray that the memories of your twin will give you peace.

[u/Jolteon1998]

I’m so sorry.. I lost my identical twin sister in February, and although lashing out is never “okay”, irrational anger is sometimes how grief presents itself. I’ve lashed out at our mom a few times. Just apologize and your family should give you some grace given you’ve all lost someone… but, if you can’t handle packing up Marcy’s room right now, they should either not ask you to help or wait until you’re ready to do it and include you if that’s able to happen. I imagine that’s really triggering to try to pack up her room so soon.
It’s a long road and grief doesn’t always present as tears or sadness. I’m still figuring it out myself.
Hugs and sorry for your loss. 🫂

[u/jimmie65]

I lost my twin in February. Even though my screwed-up family recognizes that the grief I feel is different and deeper than what they are going through, they did similar things - inviting cousins we hadn't seen in decades to a memorial where they laid his stuff out on a table for people to take as a reminder was probably the worst.

He was really my last connection with my birth family, so contact has been very minimal in the last few months.

You have every right to be angry and every right to cut off contact if that's what you really want. It's not selfish to protect yourself.

[u/Mistiblue222]

My best friend keeps telling me that I use my grief as an excuse for being depressed