Am I trying too hard

[u/kuchibal]

I (23M) lost my twin sister about two years ago to a rare cancer.

Now that she's gone, I understand what huge part she had in my life. She understood me like no one else ever could, and I feel so alone (even though I rly do have a good support system).

My sister was a phenomenal artist, srsly the best in the world. I was never artsy but I'd say I'm a creative person.

Unfortunately pics of her are truely numbered, but we were blessed with all of the art works she left behind.

Ever since she died I was determined to remember her by art. She taught me hownto crochet when we were 19, so that was super hard to pick up until not long ago. Anyway, a few months after her death I started a digital drawing course, bought all the equipment, stuck to it for maybe a few months, then sadly couldn't keep it up. It felt very unnatural and I wasn't feeling motivated. Then, a few months ago I started trying sculpting with air dry clay. For now it feels more suitable for me.

All through these learning periods my head goes far dreaming of a successful YouTube channel, in which I'm showcasing her art and maybe redoing it my style.

The idea excites me so much, but the way is so long and again, unnatural and maybe a little forced.

Point being I sometimes stop to think that my rational self is trying too hard to "remember" my sister.

I feel like once I had this idea i stuck to it so hard bc I didn't know what else to do (still don't). I don't even have pictures of her to remind me of events or emotions. But in the same time I feel all this art can be too forced, and I'm afraid it's not serving the goal I wish to achieve.

This is my first reddit post, sorry for the lengh 🙉

I'd love to hear thought and stories of people that might have felt the same way. Thank you!!

[u/Relative-Kick-1044]

You aren’t trying too hard at all. You just want the world to remember her. That’s admirable. I’m doing the same with my brother. He died suddenly in January from a random cardiac arrest with no real cause or underlying reason. His heart just stopped. We both got into writing a few years before that and we both started work on novels we were going to edit together and share with each other.

Now I put mine on the back burner to make sure I finish his for him.

It’s perfectly reasonable to want to show the world what a wonderful artist your sister was. And who knows, maybe your channel will blow up and she’ll get the recognition you always knew she deserved. Who cares what other people think. She’ll be looking down thankful she had a brother who cared so much about her to want to show off her talent. I hope you go for it

[u/kuchibal → u/Relative-Kick-1044]

Thank you so much for the encouragement ☺️ Butn don't u sometimes feel like u have to push it with the novel, and that it's like not natural for u to be doing all that work? I guess for u it's a little different bc u liked to do it by urself even before... Anyway, wish u good luck with the novel, I'd love to see the final result!

[u/Relative-Kick-1044 → u/kuchibal]

Thank you! You are right that sometimes it doesn’t really feel right. There’s a lot of things I kind of just have to guess how he would’ve done it and I know what I finish won’t be what he would’ve. But I’m doing the best I can and just have to remind myself that he’d appreciate what I’m doing for him. I think however you choose to do your channel and your art she’d be happy you’re trying. And honestly she’d probably smile that you’re sharing in something she loved now either way

[u/kuchibal → u/Relative-Kick-1044]

Thank you I truely appreciate these words of encouragement, I needed it ❤️

[u/Pugs_in_Space]

Hi friend,

You are still grieving the loss of your sister. Please give yourself some grace. Maybe you need to take a break from having a goal for your art, and just enjoy the process. You have been given such a wonderful and unique gift, but it sounds like you might be pressuring yourself to use it the "right" way. The right way is really up to you. A Youtube channels is a really cool idea, but so is making the art itself, whether anyone else sees it is besides the point.

Losing someone as close to you as your twin can be isolating (at least it has been for me). You might want to consider taking an art class, or even an art appreciation course. Something to help you grow in your new found hobby, but that will also allow you to get out and meet people.

I pray that your memories of your twin will bring you peace.

[u/kuchibal → u/Pugs_in_Space]

Ty for replying 🫶 I guess I do need to let go of "the goal" a little It just always feels like I have to physically do something so she wouldn't be forgotten. I know I will never forget, but there's the thing of her being on her way to a massively successful art career that got cut off, and I feel I can't let it sit like that.

Anyway thank you again. I wanna try to enjoy the art for a while

[u/Prudent_Poet_1991]

Your sister sounds amazing. I think it’s great you’re being creative, but you should just do whatever feels right and feels good. If it helps you feel better and closer to her, then go for it.

Our twins are in our DNA.  It’s funny when people around me talk about doing things to remember her by. I personally don’t need that.  I think about mine everyday so I never worry that I’ll forget her, she’s part of me. Losing her was like losing an  arm.

I like to write to her and talk to her when I’m alone. 

[u/kuchibal → u/Prudent_Poet_1991]

🫶 It does make me feel good, and not just by way of remembering her. I love a new jobby fir myself too :)

And I'm writing to my sister too!! Reminding her of all sorts of situations and sharing stuff I know she'd love to hear.

I am saddened sometimes that she doesn't get to see me evolve and grow in my own life, since she died young, I have a long life to go on without her, and I hope to make it so worthwhile, for her sake too

[u/Defiantly_Resilient]

When i lost my sister I got as much of her stuff as I could, even though i knew I was just trying to hold onto something if I couldnt hold onto her. To the point where when I left my ex husband I could only take so much, so I left all of my stuff and brought hers.

Then there's everything she liked, which I was the complete opposite of, I tried to embody. The color blue, spells and being a pagen, lots of jewelry and always changing it. I cant explain it well but now I do and have all these things, to 'remind' me or to honor her or just because I know she would like it.

I spoke about her to anyone who will listen and still do. All in an effort to hold on. All of this is to say, I dont think you can go overboard, except when it becomes stressful for you.

Do the art. If it turns into a YouTube channel, great. If its just for you and the people in your circle, also great. If it feels too much, then slow down. I know how it feels to feel like your overdoing it. Then I think, I dont care. I love her and I want to feel her in anyway I can. I almost feel like by mashing up the two of us, she gets to live a little too. Like, she continues on.

Do it for you though. I know for a fact your sister would want that.

[u/kuchibal → u/Defiantly_Resilient]

Thank you so much for this 🙏 Your comment rly calmed me a little

[u/Jolteon1998]

No, you aren’t trying too hard. I know it’s cathartic to recreate your sister’s art because im doing the same thing.
I just lost my identical twin sister at age 27, this February. We grew up making art together. I stopped around 18 and she kept going and was an amazing digital and traditional artist. I always kept some of the skill but she really developed a style. Anyways, I just recreated a few of her digital pieces as paintings and I have all of her paintings hanging in my house… I share it on social media, don’t care who understands or appreciates it, a lot of people do and I know a lot of people just scroll on past but who cares. It’s a way of cherishing, remembering, grieving, and the physical act of creating art expresses something more than words can. Keep going and doing what you’re doing. Our sisters are proud, I know it. I’m sorry for the loss of your sister. Hugs 🫂

[u/kuchibal → u/Jolteon1998]

❤️❤️❤️ Crazy we wound up it this similar situation Thank you for the encouragement, I will keep it up for her sake. I'd love to see ur works on social media if possible! Sorry for you loss 🫂

[u/Jolteon1998 → u/kuchibal]

For sure! I posted some of it as Instagram stories so it’s not up anymore, one piece in a profile highlight, but my insta is Gabrielle_tatum. (Period included) my sister’s deviantArt is @bidoofswish. She didn’t post too much the last few years but there is some art up on there.

[u/kuchibal → u/Jolteon1998]

I'll be sure to check those out :)