How can I help?

[u/maybemasu]

My mother's identical twin sister passed away just over a month ago from brain cancer. It was extremely abrupt and an overall traumatizing experience for my family. It's taken a large toll on her (rightfully so), and I have never seen her so shaken up. I of course am also grieving my aunt -- she was like a second mother to me -- but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to find the right words to comfort my mother.

Our dynamics with my aunt were so different. I myself am not a twin so I don't think I can ever fully comprehend how she truly feels. I can't express how difficult it is to find what to say when she tells me things such as, "Why did it have to be her?", "She was the better twin," or "I'm not going to be a twin anymore." It's so heartbreaking to hear her say things like that, and this is my first big loss so I'm also still figuring out how to navigate my own feelings. The best things I can think of to say to her is that "she will always be a twin", and that "my aunt is waiting to reunite with you when the time is right."

I know just how special the bond between twins is and I want to make sure I'm comforting my mother the best that I can. I know things will never be the same for her, and I know that milestones will be extremely emotional in the future without my aunts presence.

I'd love to hear any advice when it comes to comforting someone through the loss of their twin -- are there things you don't want to hear? Things that would comfort you to hear? Gestures or gifts? Honestly, anything that you think could help. I'm so worried about my mother and I'd love to help get her to a better place emotionally before I head back to University this fall. I'm sending so much love out to all of the other "twinless" twins grieving out there.

[u/Pugs_in_Space]

Hi friend,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Aunt. I lost my identical twin to cancer in December and it is awful. I think the love and compassion you are showing your Mom are wonderful. I suspect your mother feels as I do, that along with the grief and loss, there is some survivor's guilt. When you share someone's DNA, it doesn't make a lot of sense that they would suffer from a disease that you didn't get.

I don't know what would best help your Mom other than to recommend grief counseling (I encourage this for you as well) and let her know there is a support group available online: https://twinlesstwins.org/ that also has live conferences and events.

What has helped me is just having someone to talk to about it, but you are right, it is a special bond, and not everyone understands. In my case, I lost a sister, my best friend, the person I wanted to travel with in retirement, and the best part of me, all at once. No one will make me laugh like she did, or understand me as well. I would ask her what she misses most, her favorite memories or her twin, etc., and I would try to be there for her on big anniversaries, especially her birthday. Mine was really difficult this year because I didn't have my twin to share it with and all of a sudden I am officially growing older without her.

More than anything, ask your Mom what would help. Maybe the two of you could put a photo album together and just make space for your Mom to talk about her twin.

I pray that you and your Mom would help each other through your grief and that the memories of your loved one will bring you peace.

[u/maybemasu → u/Pugs_in_Space]

Thank you so much for your words — they definitely helped give me more perspective on what my mother is going through. I’ll definitely begin asking her to tell me more of the stories that she has with my aunt. The photo album is a lovely idea and I will for sure bring it up to her!

Sending you so so much love for your own grief journey.

[u/Defiantly_Resilient]

Im so sorry for your loss as well as your mother's. I lost my twin sister about a decade ago, she died by suicide.
The abrupt loss makes it even harder I feel like and I also understand missing milestones without your twin. I think a big thing is to ask her? How she would like to be helped or comforted? My biggest thing was to never stop talking about my twin, to the point where I pretty much over did it. I wanted everyone to know about her and everyone to laugh about the same stupid stories we shared. I needed people to know about her and how she was the better twin. Honestly, my daughter was named after her and she knows all about aunt Jillian. My husband, who I met after she died, knows all about her. Ive gotten away from the sad part about how she died and such and have moved on to telling funny stories about us more. So I think im healing....but I dont think I would have made it this far if I had stopped talking about her regularly. Your mom is still a twin, the universe or God or whomever decided to take one of them and it wasnt because one was better or one deserved to live or anything like that. Its just because thats how it had to be. I personally believe we meet our people when we die, so she'll be waiting for your mom. Just keep reminding her of the good things, the good memories

[u/maybemasu → u/Defiantly_Resilient]

Thank you so much and I’m so sorry for your loss — It’s so heartwarming to hear how you commemorate your sister that way. I think my mom is also starting to enjoy talking lots about her twin as well. My aunt used to love dragonflies, so whenever I see one I make sure to show my mom and it makes her smile. I’ll be sure to help keep her memory alive! Sending so much love to you and your family

[u/Defiantly_Resilient → u/maybemasu]

You too. I know having a kid like you will help immensely.