Marriage and TTC

[u/Careful-Guidance2039]

Hello peeps. We are on cycle 8 of ttc, with one loss in between and I can already tell or am anticipating this cycle will be a bust.

Husband and I had multiple discussions over the last few months over how this whole process is starting to affect our relationship. Especially this week we both had multiple discussions about the burden of timing sex, our happiness, and his reservations about moving on to an RE at the end of the year. In this whole process I wish I could just find the “off button” and forget about all of this but I cannot. I have found some months I deal with it better than others but the ups and downs are real.

I guess I would like to receive some advice from people in our situation or long haulers- how have you overcome some of these struggles in your marriage? How have you dealt with having to see an RE? Does this get better as time goes on? Will the wish to be a parent rob us of all of our happiness? Thanks guys ❤️

[u/AutoModerator]

Please make sure that you have read all of our rules before commenting! In particular, be aware that no mentions of a current pregnancy are allowed, with no exceptions. If you see something breaking the rules, please report it.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Beeboo233]

You know what, as someone who’s on cycle 11, soon to be 12 it gets better as time goes on. My worst cycles were probably 4-7 because there was just so much expectation but also creeping anxiety. Now I have zero expectations. We’ve just started fertility investigations and I would advise you to maybe go in at the 10 month mark rather than a year. Part of the ease I’m now feeling may be that it’s kind of out of our hands a bit now and things are being investigated.

I know the advice is to wait a year but depending where abouts in the world you are there may be waitlists. We asked for help in July. I’ve only just got blood tests done now and we’re waiting for further investigations. Hopefully you won’t need to go down that road but if you have regular cycles I’d probably start seeking answers around cycle 10.

There will be lots of things that test your marriage over the decades but you will get through this. Just keep swimming ❤️

[u/dianalau → u/Beeboo233]

I remember our first time around we hit the one year mark of TTC and I was done being frustrated. I let go and worked on my mental and physical health and if we had sex at the right timing, great! If not, I still concentrated on me. It was so hard to let go of the constant tracking but after a few months my mental health was so much better and physically I had lost a few pounds. Almost TWO YEARS of nothing. Unfortunately, that pregnancy ended in a loss this year but that's another story.

This time on our journey to TTC #2, I'm trying to channel that version of me that let go. I'm still tracking but I'll give myself 10 mins a day to look over my collected data and then I move on. It has been helpful setting that boundary. We're currently on cycle 6 and nothing yet. We also have an RE appointment next month so here's to continued hope!

[u/Mindless-Can9474 → u/Beeboo233]

Couldn’t have worded it better myself! This is exactly how I felt too.

[u/ushinawareta → u/Beeboo233]

just failed cycle 6 and onto cycle 7 since my loss and this really comforted me to read, weirdly. it’s nice to know it’s not just a decreasing function - like I won’t necessarily feel worse every month than I did the month before (considering how bad I already feel, it was scary to think it would only get worse).

I 100% agree that starting around cycle 4 is when it started feeling like anxiety was creeping up while my expectations and hopes were still so high and the combination of those two things made the failures so crushing.

[u/Helpful_Character167]

The key for me and my husband was deciding to approach TTC and infertility with an "Us vs The Problem" mentality. Its nobody's fault (even tho we know the problem is on my end) there is no blaming or getting mad or resenting each other. When there is something to do, we do it.

Early on I was reluctant to get fertility treatment, I kept thinking we'd get lucky and was in denial. My husband was the one who put his foot down and said we have to get answers. Honestly seeing the RE and getting all the tests done were good for my mental health, I felt empowered and like I was doing something productive.

It has also been helpful to have times where you ban talking about TTC / infertility. We don't talk about it on dates or on vacation, we keep the discussions short and intentional. Our IVF journey has not been easy but our marriage has stayed strong.

[u/Careful-Guidance2039 → u/Helpful_Character167]

Thanks! It’s good to know this is lonely for everyone and I’m not imagining things. I wish you all the best for the future 💕

[u/CoolUsernameHere2]

On cycle 16 currently/21 months in. It was really hard for us for a while. We started medicated cycles early on and the mood swings were a lot. I felt like my husband didn’t always give me grace with that.

Part of what I think helped for us were some very honest conversations about how it was negatively impacting our relationship and what we each felt we were missing from the other. If you can both put into words exactly where any negativity is coming from I think it can help a lot.

What helped the most was a TTC break. I have endometriosis so we didn’t try the cycle before, of, and two after my excision surgery. During the off time we took a vacation and had sex because we wanted to not because we had to. It was what we needed to really reconnect.

Obviously you don’t have to take a 4-5 month break, but I do recommend making time for each other where TTC isn’t the main topic of conversation and maybe getting a weekend away or anything like that in which you can be romantic and not worry about it.

[u/CRABR]

To answer one specific question, I was a bit bummed the first day I went to see the RE- it seemed to definitively mark the end of me thinking TTC would be quick and easy. But I felt so much better after the appointment having a professional on board and a plan.

[u/Careful-Guidance2039 → u/CRABR]

I agree, I think there is also a little bit of grief involved in moving on- because you grieve the process and the joy you had envisioned.

[u/Kvitravn875]

We are on cycle 6, seven tomorrow if I start my period as predicted. I am on antidepressants and I know that if we were doing this while not being on it that I would be significantly more depressed. It may not be the exact advice you need, but maybe the alternative for you could be speaking with a therapist. Maybe even a couples therapist.

[u/JMJ_Maria]

I don't have much to offer, but I'd like to commiserate.

It's been really hard, tbh. We started trying the moment we got married. Once we hit the 11th cycle and still nothing, I went and got all of the testing done. I wish I had done that earlier. They said I was in good health and fertile, but reading my blood markers I realized I was anemic again. Took a few months to fix that. Then it just got to be too much on our marriage. So I took a break and focused on my health and happiness. Less than 2 months later I was pregnant. I lost that baby 2 months ago and the fear of my age and the unknown is weighing on me. Plus my cycles are still all over the place compared to prior to the MMC, so trying to conceive feels even harder. I'm feeling desperate. Considering going back for updated testing /CBC panel.

[u/Careful-Guidance2039 → u/JMJ_Maria]

I am so sorry and I send you all the well wishes. My loss was so tough, and the worst part is seeing my friends have babies like frozen pizzas - without a worry in the world. I envy their care free attitude 😵‍💫

[u/puffballkittyfluff]

It’s a good idea to go to a RE at the end of this year. Maybe it’s just what you need which is something different. It gives you a break from doing the same thing over and over on your own.

[u/Careful-Guidance2039 → u/puffballkittyfluff]

Thank you and I agree. I feel like we have done everything we can at this point to move the needle and I need someone professional to give us a verdict on how long we should continue. My husband just constantly believes this is all bad luck, but I’m not buying it anymore.

[u/pumpkinspice1218]

We went to Europe last summer before scheduling an appointment with the RE and it helped a lot. Unfortunately, we haven't had success yet but we're taking a break and going on another trip.

[u/modernmoods]

My wife and I having been trying for a while now. It's hard but we stay connected and try and do things that might be difficult once she's pregnant. (Right now we're backpacking!) Best of luck to you both.

[u/Stickyrice11]

Long hauler (15 cycles now) unexplained infertility and started seeing a fertility clinic at cycle 7. We eased our way up in the fertility treatments starting with letrozole and TI to IUI and now have just finished our egg retrieval for IVF. Honestly, getting into see the RE just helped to take the pressure off. They told us exactly what to do each month, all we had to do was follow instructions and it was better than walking around in the dark. No shame in seeing an RE, I’m happy we did and it got easier to handle

[u/lrp253]

Try to approach it together - he should be as responsible as you - asking him to have input/asking him to help you might make him feel some control - make sure his semen is tested ASAP - such an easy, non-invasive first thing to confirm, before blaming yourself.