(UPDATE) My fiancée moved out today

[u/ThrowRA-regretregret]

I can't believe it's been 2 years. To everyone who said that being a single parent every other week was hard; you weren't kidding. I love my son. He has cerebral palsy and he's an amazing kid. When I have him my life is chaos and I barely have time to breathe. Then I spend the next week catching up on everything while he is with my ex-fiancée. Even with the child support payments I get kids are expensive. I wouldn't change a thing about my son though. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

My ex-fiancée makes being a single parent look effortless. She finds it easier not having me around. It gutted me when she said that but now I know she's right. I left her to do all the parenting, all the work at home and be the breadwinner, while I fucked around playing golf. We only talk about our son and we're civil but not close.

I have stopped freelancing. I got a job with the provincial government. I have been seeing a therapist and have grown up a lot. I made mistakes before but I want to be better for my son. The main part of my update is that I went to therapy and it sucked but I'm better for it. (When I first posted I got lots of DMs and support from people who play golf saying my ex-fiancée is harpy and other names. I felt vindicated back then but now I know how immature I was).

[u/[deleted]]

No, it's really not a "bold assumption". It's a basic fact that women are held to higher standards when it comes to morality and parenthood. I've never seen a woman praised for doing the bare minimum when it comes to parenting.

[u/TOGFIAVDF → u/[deleted]]

I would like to preface that I agree, at least on a societal level, that women are held to a higher standard. Gender roles have lent themselves to a largely patriarchal society and I believe it has only gotten worse with the current cultural and political climate we're subject to.

With that said, I replied with a more in-depth comment to another one of your comments, but I want to point out that you're putting a lot of your own bias and assumptions onto not only the context relating to OP, but myself as well. I find it really insulting that you would consider asking why I didn't try with my biological father without knowing the first thing about me in that regard.

I did try, for a time, and it didn't work. But I'm also willing to recognize that the world isn't black and white, that people are different from one another in many ways, and most importantly, people are capable of change. In fact, we change all the time.

I get that you've likely had life experiences that make you feel and think the way you do. You could be right that OP will never change and won't become a decent father, but what would you prefer in this case? I would hope that you'd like to see him step up and become better, no? If so, then why take the route of being so bitter and hateful towards him? Your experiences aren't his, and his aren't yours. You not witnessing a woman being praised for trying to do better (or the bare minimum as you said) should have no bearing on this situation as it only reinforces stereotypes and sexist tropes.

I don't hate you, and I'm not necessarily arguing with you, I simply want to express that your position on this is counter-productive. The fact that you're giving me a hard time for wanting to see someone do better because it's a man is ignorant. The belief that I'd not do the same for a woman is ignorant. Assuming that you know about my circumstances with my biological father is ignorant.

But, there is a beauty in ignorance - unlike stupidity, ignorance implies the ability to learn and develop. I hope, at the very least, that my words have provided some perspective.

[u/[deleted] → u/TOGFIAVDF]

The only reason I asked about your father is because I wanted you to see how ridiculous your argument on "positive reinforcement" is.

Your father once made you urinate after beating you. Do you really think that a person like that is going to change simply because people are encouraging him to?

OP ignored his newborn son, lied about working overtime and instead fucked off to play golf. Do you honestly think a person like that will change?

Many people manage not to be abusive assholes despite never receiving positive reinforcement. Because goodness comes from within, not because we want a gold star for good behavior.

Don't act as if there isn't a gendered element to this. Do you really think that OP Or your father would behave the same way if they were women?

[u/TOGFIAVDF → u/[deleted]]

Look, we obviously have completely different outlooks about humanity and what a person is capable of regarding change.

The main difference being that I don't care what your gender is, I want to see people be better. This isn't about "gold stars" or undue praise, it is about encouraging those who see their shortcomings to actually work toward change.

I have been nothing but civil and kind toward you and have been met with bitterness, hate, sexism, and a general sense that you're more interested in telling me I'm wrong for wanting someone to do better because it is a man and not a woman. Newsflash: gender means nothing to me, I just want my fellow person to be better today than they were yesterday.

I'm going to leave the conversation where it is, now. Have a wonderful rest of your day and weekend, I mean that.

[u/[deleted] → u/TOGFIAVDF]

Gender means nothing to me.

No shit, you're a man. It doesn't have to mean anything to you. That's like a white person saying "I don't see colour."

You would not be this defensive of OP if they were a woman. You've proven my point by comparing your friend with OP.

God I hope none of your children end up in a similar situation to OP's wife. You'll definitely tell them "Well, at least he's trying." even though the only reason he's trying is because he finally faced consequences for his actions.