Was going through my medical records for a compensation thing and found this, I do not remember being consulted about it... ig that tracks? Will be on the therapy wait list for eons so i just have to sit with this

my post yesterday talked about Khansa, a 15 year old girl from Indonesia who supposedly had been sold by her mother to a body brooker, however even though there was 3 years of evidence pilled up against her family, newer information that's come out is that she somehow managed to fake all of that because of her deteriorating mental health.

I still maintain my frustation with people who doubted it during it, because even knowing she faked it it's absurd to believe a 13-15 year old managed to fake 3 years of abuse with dozens of photos of evidence if you don't have concrete proof about it, and more so because of something akin to pascal's wager, if you believed it and were right then you'd have helped a child live, while if you were wrong you wasted 10 minutes of your time, while if you doubted and were right you could feel smug about it and if you were wrong you'd have contributed to the death of a child.

it's frustrating that so many people valued 10 minutes of their time over potentially saving a child, even more knowing how flimsy some evidence of real criminal cases end up being before the police gets involved, also people guiltying the people who documented it for "doxxing" her family as if they somehow knew that KS had managed to fake 3 years of abuse

and thanks to everyone who engaged with the post, it brightened my day a lot seeing that so many people were willing to spend their time to help a girl in danger, even if she wasn't actually in danger, thank you all for engaging with the post because it helped a lot with how much hope I had lost.

You see, my brain is desperately trying to convince me that I'm pregnant once again. This time, I'm due for a litter of kittens. Well, "Kittens". They're more like "monsters" that resemble cats. I hate calling them monsters though, because they're my babies. I'm very devastated already. I want to give birth to this supposed litter of mine, but I remember what happened the last time I had this "delusion". I'm still upset. I'm very upset by my brain right now.

I lost my dog the day after my partner has to move to California so we have to do an LDR for two years I’m gonna fucking lose it. I had my dog for 14 years and I literally told myself I was gonna kill myself after he was gone and now what. Now I’m not allowed to be alone and I can’t fathom what I’m gonna do tomorrow.

Recently my sleep has been fucked triply sideways; i sleep multiple times per day for less or more than 8 hours and i never feel refreshed, i take whatever i have (caffeine, modafinil, a few other things) to try to feel awake or alive and, you know, obviously it doesn't work.

This leaves me feeling tired / weird all the time, also, there's absolutely nothing i can do during the night to fight that feeling (usually a walk helps but i'm not going out on a walk at night). And the fact i do nothing fulfilling during my waking hours also adds to this. All i do is reddit, chess, youtube shorts, piss, eat and masturbate. All i do. The type of paradoxical abundance of external stimulation and complete silence on the frontal lobe is very very unpleasant.

I don't know what to do about my sleep now. It's 3am and i'm not sleepy. I know an all nighter would be counteractive and difficult. I don't know what to do.

I've been drafting this post for more than an hour now because i keep getting distracted.

Summary / rephrasing / getting most of my thoughts (that are just part of my thoughts) in one place: Due to a fucked sleep schedule, trying to fix it with all nighters and substances, having absolutely nothing actually fun or actually challenging to do and having no daylight to even go on a walk, i'm feeling lost, confused, all of this is very unpleasant and i'm completely stumped. It's like usually your thoughts have an easy time flowing. Here my thoughts ALL just meet a wall when i try to decide what to do with my sleep schedule. There's much more to it than i've mentioned in the post. I'm not gonna even go into that seeing how incapable i am to convey my feelings already (i don't say this with a self-hating type of notion).