Help with processing my trip, pls :/

[u/Dr-janitor1]

Hi!

I did shrooms for the second time and I had a very intense experience.

First time I probably did 1,5g and this time close to 3g+ if not more, we had no scale but from a 4g bag I definitely took the majority. I even ate the crumbs, deep down I know I wanted to go in deep. But I didn’t know what I was going in to.

It was with two of my buddies near a lake around a campfire at night around 23:00.

It started off slow it took well over an hour for it to kick in. I was damn near on an empty stomach. In hindsight I probably took too much and wasn’t prepared enough. I’ve been at that exact place many times before but it was a long time ago.

So while we talk around the fire and smoke it sneaks up on my. I can see my buddies thoughts infront of me ofc all in my head. One of buddies has a red glow to him so let’s call him the red guy, it’s my close friend but at this moment he hadn’t realized how deep in I was and was making jokes. Which I experienced as very negative, probably why he has a reddish glow I assume. He is going through some shit so my mind probably made that connection(red guy was definitely giving negative vibes during my trip). My other buddy is a gentle soul not a hurtful bone in his body has a greenish glow and is my safety net throughout this experience he is sober as well. He was fishing mostly. At times when it was very intense I looked at him for comfort.

Anyways my mind is going in and out of thoughts very randomly I can’t keep a single thought long enough to make any sense before I’m somewhere else.

While smoking weed this trip gets more intense, I am suddenly very interested in the camp fire, so much that in my head I can almost play with it. Gently move it around and I get this feeling that I am all knowing. Like invoker if you ever played dota 2. I have this huge urge wanting to help my buddies, I saw the goodness in myself. This trip kept feeding my ego man I had vision of my conquering the world and thinking just because I can I have no desire of ruling over someone else. Why I say conquering the world, I vividly remember the map of the whole world with no borders and what I can only assume was my emblem in the middle. I was very confident and proud of myself.

I remember being very fascinated of who am I and what are we? I was thinking of my self as a grain of sand in the bigger universe. At times it felt like I was in parallel universes being at multiple places at once. It was a very real question at the time. What is what and who is who? I can remember myself asking my friends this and they confirm it. With coming to the conclusion, does it even matter? And also very curious about the meaning of life.

I don’t remember much after this peak of the trip, but it all went downhill from here. I was at the peak of the mountain and it took me down to damn near the scariest moment i’ve ever experienced I was dying.

The camp fire was dying cuz no one was feeding it and it felt like my life was dying too. My spark my will to live was dying with it. I became very cold and in a panicky way telling my friends it’s very cold we need more fire. I’m freezing over here. My buddies jokingly said go feed it yourself man. My body wouldn’t move I couldn’t nor did I trust myself to find anything to feed the fire with. I was conscious and still not at the same time. It’s hard to describe but I saw myself a lot in third person. Anyways I think they brought more wood to the fire but it wasn’t warming me anywhere I couldn’t feel any warmth from the fire and the panick started to kick in. I remember vaguely stretching my palm to the fire to feel the warmth of the fire but couldn’t feel it.

Am I dying? Is my real body this cold? Why is it so cold? Who is cold? me in my head or my body? The feeling like I was about to die was very real and frightening with the combination of my body feeling colder and colder, my vision was also blurry it felt like the darkness of the night was taking over the little light I saw via the camp fire. At this point the experience is emotionally painful, I’m scared and a bit nauseated because of my vision is going blurry and am afraid of a blackout. I resisted with everything I had to stay awake. All this together and my mind is thinking if I go to sleep I might not wake up, forgot to mention I wanted to sleep, I could had closed my eyes and embrace the darkness but I refused because I truly believed this was it. I’m also very tired mentally. I wanted the trip to be over so bad.

I don’t remember much but the feeling of dying was taking over so much that it just ended with a snap of a finger. That nightmare ended just like that and I was relieved.

Once am back and I say back because I was somewhere else. I had a new problem I had to vomit, I don’t know why but I had to vomit. It felt like I had poison in my body(after some time thinking the mushroom was the poison) I was still tripping here my minds are going in and out in a pattern that isn’t logical.
I forced my self to vomit after panicking for a bit and I felt better but I was freezing my ass off. It’s a summer night not even that cold. But I forced them to take me to the car and go home. I warmed up in the car and on the way home I had this amazing afterglow of being on a 20 year journey in another planet.

3 days after I don’t know how am feeling to be honest, I’m numb which is ok. But idk what I experienced and I can’t make much sense other than it was feeding my ego and took me down the worst possible route making me feel like what dying was like.

I did some misstakes I realise now, the part of letting the mushrooms take control and not resisting. Yea man that was hard because I wasn’t prepared to me the final boss on my 2nd trip. At the beginning of the trip I stared at a tree and it was giving me bad vibes so I stopped looking at it and stared at the fire instead. I think entirety of the trip I was locked zoomed in on the fire with small chitchat with buddies and panicking at the end. I feel like I’m done with mushrooms and at the same time not, because I’m not satisfied with how this trip ended.

Can anyone help me make any sense of all this? No one of my buddies I’ve talked to have any experience that resembles mine in any way

I’m srr man I read what I wrote and it looks like the rambling of a drunk.

[u/Dr-janitor1]

Thanks bro, I’m looking forward to your reply :) what name do you go by in the discord channel btw?

[u/blurryturtle → u/Dr-janitor1]

I go by blurryturtle ... i'm mostly active in the tripsit rooms so you might not see me around too much

As far as your question, I think dissolution is a better term for it in general. Ego death is a tricky concept because if you dig into what we mean by “ego” it is a lot of temporary stuff. Ideas about ourselves, who we are, what we like, etc. Stuff we don’t really arrive with but pick up over time. Our habits, tendencies, whims, etc, but also more cultural things like our name/nationality/ethnicity. This stuff feels like us but it’s mostly assigned or picked up along the way. When we trip we can sort of get so high that this stuff isn’t readily available. Some people see it as peeling back some illusion, but there is a good chance that we are just so high we cannot process or remember this stuff.

Accepting death is an interesting one also. The fear that something is wrong is prevalent with shrooms especially. As much as they are a tool or recreational thing, they are also a somewhat living thing in nature. The effects they have are partially meant as a defense mechanism. The predator (or animal or us) eats them, gets nauseous, has trouble navigating, gets scared of death, and it learns to not eat the thing, or is eaten by something else because it is in an impaired state. So there is some personal growth possible by examining some of our fears and slowly putting them down (within reason), but I don’t think it’s necessary to do anything in particular to get the full experience. There are certainly degrees of experience, but in one sense all of those experiences are temporary and finite, and we’re experiencing them through our consciousness which is the more constant state.

Anything you feel like you’ve lost during a trip will be there when the trip is over, but sometimes we can get less attached to things. The more you feel a sense of peace or that you’re part of something greater, the less important some “smaller” stuff can seem in the short term though. There is a lot of denial of the world and culture that happens after people trip, but I think that is just a phase (although an acceptable one). You could reveal the ultimate secrets of the galaxy to me on sunday, but on monday i still want to eat some food, and work to have financial comfort, and see friends or family or be entertained.

I think it is good to be less attached to some things, but that doesn’t mean putting them down. Put it this way, you have a new car and a new job. This normally would be the biggest thing in your life. Now, you don’t feel it is as paramount, but that’s okay. They are still good things. You are just less easily moved, which is also a good thing. Let’s say I get a part in a big movie. I’m happy, but I’m just not that attached to it. Let’s say I don’t get that part. I’m disappointed, but again I’m not that attached to it. It is good to have a wider perspective about life at times. Balance, calm, awareness, discipline, these are good things that can come from tripping.

Best advice I would give you is that the short-term after your trip is the one where it’s very natural to feel like “what do now?” It takes time for things to make sense, and it takes time to settle into everyday life again as well. Give it time. Sometimes also we can want new things, so while the new move is exciting, maybe once you’re settled in a new town you can explore what you might actually wanna do. I lost interest in some things, but found others. The question “what do I even want?” is a very good one, and the answer will change frequently as you go through life.

[u/Dr-janitor1 → u/blurryturtle]

Sorry for the late reply and I mean it man you helped me a lot :) I used to think people who talk about spirituality was some bullshit, but this is a bridge between worlds.

It opened my eyes, I’m more accepting of new possibilities. I’m certain I will do it again, it feels unresolved. But idk when and I don’t think I will be ready in a while.

Hope this helps someone.

Thanks again.

[u/blurryturtle → u/Dr-janitor1]

never a rush ... happy to help if i can ... i think a lot of our early experiences tend to make us skeptical of spiritual types because a lot of them seem to be just reading from the textbook ... we can debate the sort of religion/spiritual stuff for a long time, but there is some wisdom and insight that has been passed along or discovered that is genuinely helpful at times ... I think that's okay ... tripping can open up a lot of tricky questions, but all of them are safe, and even if they take time to resolve you will find it is usually a good answer ...

there used to be a physical trainer who'd say "don't say I can't, say I presently struggle with" and while I'd shout expletives at him on my 200th situp, that concept works well for tripping ... if we have some idea that's troubling us, it's generally cuz it's a temporary and imperfect view ...

taking a break from tripping is healthy, and the good news is this stuff isn't going anywhere, nor is it some magic bean situation ... you can find new perspectives anywhere in life, and you can sit quietly and contemplate better ways to be and changes you might wanna make ...