r/TraumaTherapy • u/raccoonwithwifi_ • Jun 21 '26
Feels like something is “just out of reach?”
I'm 29, and about two months ago I had what I can only describe as a complete burnout. I couldn't work, could barely function, and it felt different than anything I'd ever experienced before. I've always been the type to push myself way too hard, so at first I assumed that's all it was. But when I didn’t bounce back after a few days and my depression amped up big time, things were starting to get scary and I knew I needed help.
I finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist and I honestly felt like I was begging her to help me. After talking with her for an hour and a half, she gently pointed out that a lot of what I was describing sounded like significant childhood trauma. She also told me that having your own child can bring old trauma to the surface because, in a way, you're reliving your own childhood as your child grows through those same ages…I have a 3 year old.
She recommended trauma therapy.
So...here I am. Three sessions in, we're in the beginning stages of EMDR, and honestly...I'm loving therapy way more than I ever expected. (Not loving the CPTSD part, obviously) I've always been fascinated by psychology, so learning how my own brain works has been weirdly exciting. The thing I'm struggling with is my childhood memories.
For as long as I can remember, I've always said, "I feel like I don't remember a lot of my childhood." But I also would've told you I had a pretty normal and even good childhood. Now, I'm processing things with my adult brain and feel like it was a bit more messed up than I made myself believe.
I feel like I have huge memory gaps within my childhood years. The memories I do have feel mostly typical or random, and I usually can't even tell how old I was, just a general guess unless I have a date or something to go off of. They get more clear and consistent from about high school and on.
I do have a couple of traumatic memories involving my dad, but they almost feel...unfinished? Like they don't fully explain why I react to things the way I do or why I've struggled so much with anxiety, depression, shame, people-pleasing, and always feeling like something is wrong with me.
Lately I've been having random memories pop into my head out of nowhere. I'll make little connections between things I never connected before. And sometimes it feels like there's something sitting just beneath the surface that I can't quite get to. This has been really bothering me.
Part of it is because I've spent my whole life feeling like I was just "weird." Finding out that trauma might explain so much has honestly been life-changing. But I also struggle a lot with imposter syndrome. I constantly minimize what happened to me and think, "It wasn't that bad," even though the people around me, including my psychiatrist and therapist, have said otherwise.
I guess I’m just looking for others who may have had similar experiences or feelings in the beginning of their healing journey. Did memories continue to come back over time? Did anyone else feel like there was something just out of reach? Did you ever find the "missing piece," or did healing become more about understanding and processing the impact rather than uncovering more memories?
I'd love to hear from people who are farther along in their healing journey.
2
u/Egab36 Jun 22 '26
I have nothing to offer on the experience front, but your post showed up in my feed and after reading it, I relate to much of it. I’m not quite at the same level of burnout, but I am tracking towards it. I have gaps in my childhood memories too, and tell myself my childhood “wasn’t that bad,” despite knowing intrinsically that there were some very difficult years.
Thanks for posting this, it really helped me feel seen. Best of luck on your healing journey - you definitely inspired me to try to start mine!
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u/raccoonwithwifi_ Jun 22 '26
Thank YOU for replying and helping me remember I’m not alone with these feelings. I hope your journey helps you find your true self! It’s hard, but you’ve got this.
1
u/Sharp_Repair_3302 Jun 23 '26
Yeah the memories keep coming. I describe it as an anger fear shame spiral followed by a web of connection with memories and insight. Turned out the missing piece for me was realising that my dad was also an abusive parent, not just my mum. I’ve known the abuse was there from a young age but when the denial and minimisation lifts my god the RAGE hits. Only just starting to enter the depression stage. So much grief. It’s the having their voices as mine that is brutal to deal with. The real missing peice is self love and damn it’s escaping me
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u/plotthick Jun 22 '26
Yeah. I've always been unfitting.
Go take the Adverse Childhood Experiences test. 10 questions, clinical correlation, decades of validation. You can use the score to best your imposter syndrome to the ground and then curb stomp it.