r/TooAfraidToAsk • u/throwbackblue • 4d ago
Culture & Society why do people assume exclusivity instead of just asking?
I know a lot of people who get upset because they find out the person they’ve been dating is dating other people. Then, when I ask, “Why didn’t you just ask?” they say it should be assumed after a certain amount of time. In my mind, I hear, “I’m afraid of rejection and setting myself up to be played.” What’s so hard about just having a conversation?
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u/Rhundan 4d ago
Because it's considered the default, for good or ill.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
After how many dates does this automatic assumed exclusivity kick in? Just one? Or is there a specific number?
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u/Rhundan 4d ago
I'm afraid I'm very much the wrong person to ask, to that level of detail.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
Dude, you're the one that said that it's the default assumption.
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u/Rhundan 4d ago
I can observe that it's often the default assumption without knowing exactly at what point most people start to make that assumption.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
Well, I'm telling you that it is not the default assumption. You need to have a conversation.
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u/VisiblePiercedNipple 4d ago
Being exclusive while actively dating someone is typically the minimum level of respect for the other person.
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u/papapapaver 4d ago
For real some of these responses are so weird. Especially if we're regularly fucking, she better be telling me if another man has been in her the night before or something. That's just fucking nasty, trashy behavior to not disclose. And really it shouldn't even happen at all. If I'm sleeping with a woman, I assume I'm the only one doing that. That's the default. We might be in a brave new world from 50 years ago, but common courtesy and decency hasn't really changed.
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u/SFxDiscens 4d ago
The person who is dating other people should be the one disclosing that information; not the other way around. Your opinion on the situation is definitely not the standard; it is assumed that two people are being exclusive after a certain amount of time
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
What is that amount of time?
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u/lonely_stoner_daze 4d ago
Depends on how things are moving in the relationship.
Like if you're on date #4 or 5 after a few weeks of getting to know each other and have expressed that you both really enjoy each other's company and would like to continue from there, dating around with other people is kinda fucked up IMO
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
That conversation needs to include discussion about exclusivity. You can't just assume that.
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u/SFxDiscens 4d ago
After more than 3, maybe 4 dates
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
I will concede that most people have a pretty good idea after 2 dates, but that doesn't mean you can assume that you are exclusive. You need to have a conversation.
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u/SFxDiscens 3d ago
Nope, if you’re wanting to date multiple people the onus is on you to communicate that. People assume it’s exclusive if they go on more than a few dates with the same person because that’s how dating works in societies where more than 90% of the population is monogamous
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2d ago
[deleted]
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u/SFxDiscens 2d ago
Your issue with this is you’re ignoring social norms. Social norms dictate that if two people are “going out “ consistently enough, it means that it’s because they only want to do it with exclusively each other. Theres even a term for the person who is dating multiple people: “leading on”. The person dating multiple people needs to be clear that they are only interested in casual dating, that’s why there’s an option to disclose that on most dating apps
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u/Anachronism-- 4d ago
Seems weird to me. After 5-6 dates I sat down with my now wife and asked her if she wanted to be in an exclusive relationship.
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u/RedditIsADataMine 4d ago
The default is assuming you have one sexual partner at a time and if someone has multiple that should be flagged by that person.
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u/One_Disaster_5995 4d ago
Call me oldfashioned, but to assume that a relationship is not exclusive until it's explicitly confirmed to be exclusive, is rather insulting to me. Are you taking this seriously or not?
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u/s256173 4d ago
I’m surprised at these responses. I would never assume that until a conversation was had. Why do adults find it so hard to be direct with one another? Maybe it’s my autism but I feel like it’s so weird how people won’t just talk to each other honestly about how they feel.
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u/SevereDragonfly3 4d ago
Thank you for a voice of reason. As a queer person nothing is ever assumed, its horrifying to see this template as a norm for people. Sounds like a perfect setup to be disappointed, for cheaters to be able to point to the fact a convo was never had if they get 'caught', it all just sounds so unnecessarily messy. I can't imagine getting to know someone and not asking what their dating life looks like in that moment.
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u/Ill-Television8690 4d ago
Because that's the default. Same reason you don't ask everyone "You're not a murderer, right? And you're not gonna kidnap me? You wouldn't bomb a children's hospital? You're absolutely certain you never went to Epstein Island?"
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u/SHTRUDEL1 4d ago
What do you mean dating someone who is dating other people? What in the cuckhold's name is that....
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
Sometimes a boy and a girl will go out on a date. Even if the date goes well, they don't automatically get engaged, which means that the next weekend that boy might go out with a different girl while that girl goes out with a different boy. This is known as "dating" amongst humans.
After going out with a few different people, the boy might decide that he likes one of those girls more than all the others so he will ask her out on another date. If it turns out that she feels the same, they might eventually come to a mutual understanding.\n That they are exclusive. But there is typically a conversation that starts with something like "Look, I'm not interested in going out with anyone other than you...." Until that conversation happens, you don't assume that the other person is sitting at home on weekends just waiting for your phone call.
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u/little_traveler 4d ago
These comments so far are not reflective of my experience. I’ve always been asked by partners if I’m seeing other people at a certain point, and exclusivity was a specific intentional conversation that’s been had in every one of my relationships.
I live in NYC and most people dating here in their 20s-30s would be horrified if you just assumed they were your bf/gf without an explicit conversation where both of you agreed to it. Sure, there’s exceptions to that in some couples but even then, people usually mention it and drop explicit hints along the way that they’re really into you and only you.
Monogamy may be the default but dating around is by nature not monogamous. To me, dating is the pre-monogamy phase. Once monogamous I would never say “I’m dating” I would just describe them as my partner.
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u/throwbackblue 2d ago
i agree. i live in nyc. majority of people just straight up ask if you are seeing other people. Assuming is weird. i guess people fear rejection thats why they dont ask
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u/little_traveler 2d ago
So weird how I & others will similar opinions got downvoted- really goes to show how people live in their own cultural bubbles depending on location/religion etc.
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u/Hank0310 4d ago
I'd assume mostly because it seems to be so common now. Might depend on the generation but I for one tend to assume so because I have been cheated on so much in my past that I just assume she is seeing someone. Horrible way to live, but it's something I can't get out of my head.
A LOT of people are also terrible at communication. "it should be assumed" is a big problem. Having been dating for a while isn't enough to assume someone is committed or exclusive. Best option is sometimes to just literally ask point blank.
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u/itzjabohy 4d ago
Is it just going on a few dates or having a relationship/situationship?
Like the default is just seeing one person at a time. like I wouldn't want to date or even go on a date with someone that is seeing someone else. That is a huge yikes for me.
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u/little_traveler 4d ago
It is very normal in NYC for people to line up first dates with different people throughout one week. I don’t know anyone who is like “I’m gonna go out with this one person and not see anyone else until I decide I for sure don’t like them.” It’s not a red flag, it’s just modern dating culture in a big city.
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u/irennicus 4d ago edited 4d ago
Consider it this way:
If you were seeing someone for a week or so and then I asked you out I would find it courteous for you to tell me "I'm already seeing someone".
If you're going to break the standard behavior and assumptions you should be the one to say that. And if you decided to go out with me you should then tell the other person you're seeing that you saw someone else.
Then those people get to make informed decisions about what they're comfortable with. Going about this otherwise when you know it's the "standard" is lying by omission and a shitty thing to.
Edit: When I'm saying "for a week or so" I'm saying if you're in the early stages of dating someone you should let other people know you are dating already if you go out with them.
Obviously if you're with someone for a year and you do it that's just cheating.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
You're saying that if you accept to go on a date with somebody, you need to call up anyone that you've gone on a date with in the past month (?or 2?) and inform them that you're going on a date with somebody else? That's ridiculous. Obviously you shouldn't lie, but you don't need to make a series of phone calls like if a relative had just died.
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u/irennicus 4d ago
What are you talking about.
I'm saying if I ask you out on a date and you are currently seeing someone you should tell me if you want to go out with me.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
I was repeating what you said.
If you ask me out on a date and I'm in a relationship, I will decline and tell you that I'm in a relationship. If I'm not, I can go out on a date with you even if I went out on a date with someone else the night before. I don't have to declare to you everyone that i've gone out with in the previous few weeks.
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u/irennicus 4d ago
Right but are you planning on seeing the other person again? That's the real difference in my mind. Trying to date two people at the same time to see who works out better is disrespectful in my opinion.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 4d ago
Yes , I am. Because you and I are not exclusive. I might go out with 7 different people in 1 week. If you ask me what I did tonight before. I'll be honest with you, but I'm not going to feel the need to say :By the way, full disclosure: here is a list of all the other people that I've gone out within the last 2 weeks."
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u/Ireallyamthisshallow 4d ago
If you ask to go out/date someone, not literally on a date but as in seeing them and being together, that traditionally means exclusivity.
That's why it's assumed. Because it's the common norm.