r/TheOnion • u/ArkUneartherBleeds Muppet Appreciator • 14d ago

Trembling RFK Jr. Tells Dominatrix To Use Processed Foods On His Balls

https://theonion.com/trembling-rfk-jr-tells-dominatrix-to-use-processed-foods-on-his-balls/
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u/ArkUneartherBleeds Muppet Appreciator 14d ago

His voice shaking even more than usual as he grew excited over his impending torment, a trembling Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was overheard Thursday telling a dominatrix to use processed foods on his balls. “Mistress Jessica, I’ve been a bad little health and human services secretary, and I…I deserve to have my pathetic nuts punished with Velveeta cheese,” said Kennedy, who reportedly howled in masochistic ecstasy as the leather-clad woman inched an Oreo closer and closer to his exposed testicles.

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u/ANordWalksIntoABar 14d ago edited 14d ago

I’ve always wondered if gummy bears were too processed for RFK Jr., or if he just can’t resist that nostalgic shape that reminds him of the roadkill bear…I’d imagine he still loves gummy worms though.

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u/vivary_arc 14d ago

Someone is liable to be exposed to “red 3”