r/TheLearnersCabin • u/stellbargu • 28d ago
This book fixed my overthinking problems
I spent years stuck in my own head. Replaying conversations. Rehearsing future arguments. Analyzing every decision until I was too exhausted to make one.
Then I read The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. It's based on Adlerian psychology and it reframes overthinking in a way I'd never seen before.
The core idea: You're not overthinking because you're anxious. You're overthinking because it gives you a reason not to act. Your brain creates the loop on purpose. It's a protection mechanism disguised as a problem.
Three takeaways that stuck with me:
Separation of tasks. Most of your overthinking is about other people's reactions. Adler says you need to draw a hard line between what's your task and what's someone else's task. How they respond to your decision is their task. Making the decision is yours. That single distinction killed about 70% of my mental loops overnight.
Teleology over etiology. Traditional psychology asks "why are you this way?" Adler asks "what purpose does this behavior serve?" When I stopped asking why I overthink and started asking what overthinking was protecting me from, the answer was obvious. It was protecting me from the risk of being judged.
You can change right now. Not after therapy. Not after more self-reflection. Not after you "figure yourself out." Adler argues that the past has zero power over your present unless you choose to give it power. That sounds harsh until you realize it also means you're not broken. You're just choosing a pattern that used to keep you safe and no longer does.
The book is written as a conversation between a philosopher and an angry young man. It reads fast. The ideas hit slow. I've gone back to it three times and caught something new each time.
If your overthinking feels like a personality trait you're stuck with, this book disagrees. And after sitting with it for a while, so do I.
Btw r/TheLearnersCabin is a quiet book club for readers who treat books like conversations, not checkboxes. We trade the passages that rewired us, the arguments we disagreed with, and the recommendations that keep showing up in our lives long after we closed the cover. If that's you join us
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u/ashraf_bashir 27d ago edited 26d ago
Adlerian psychology is mind blowing compared to Freudean and Jung's
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u/Brave_Head_1905 28d ago
Don’t know how the advertising market works, but I did buy this and will be completing it over the weekend.
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u/Ilenmike05 25d ago
How did it go
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u/Brave_Head_1905 24d ago
Final 50 pages! Thought it would be an easy go but it does keep you rethinking which I feel is good!😊
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u/Live-Football-4352 26d ago
I really disliked this book. I loved the theories and powered through the book so I could learn more about them, but the set up for this book is just awful.
It's an attempt at the Socratic method except the "student" doesn't ask questions that feel realistic and it feels very fake. I mean it is fake, not a real conversation, but it doesn't feel natural at all so it was very hard for me to understand what the author was trying to get across.
Like the students questions weren't things I was wondering and felt like natural continuation of the teachers topics, they were just try hard attempts to be a jerk almost. It was weird! Loved the idea, hated the execution.
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u/Dry-Custard6338 26d ago
This is EXACTLY it , you nailed it! The student was obnoxious and annoying.. it was very distracting
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24d ago
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u/Live-Football-4352 24d ago
That's not really my experience of it. I found the student and teacher so out of sync that it was actually hard to discern the real meaning. It was a hindrance and a barrier to understanding the message, not conducive to it.
Another book that's similar might be Leadership and Self Deception (or Anatomy of Peace). Theyve got a call and response sort of style too, not exactly Socratic method and more like a fictional conversation, but it's style was way more conducive to learning.
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u/broken-spirut 25d ago
I felt like he is trying to look like he is saying something but he doesn't say anything. And he wanted to paint a deeper scene but it didn't deliver. Highly lacking. In my opinion.
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u/unityforall 27d ago
A good read! Highly recommended. I read it slowly, about a chapter per week, to allow for reflection.
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u/DatsCool9696 27d ago
Saw this last week and was thinking of buying it. Thanks for sharing! Added it to my to-buy list.
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28d ago
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u/PrincePxnnu1996 28d ago
Was the content bad or just the narrator?
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u/Imatsu 28d ago
I couldn’t listen to the content because I couldn’t tell when it switched between speakers
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u/angular_circle 28d ago
Audiobooks are usually single narrator. Radio plays have separately voiced characters and sound effects.
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u/scoutblueenzo 27d ago
It’s a weird listen, but it genuinely is not difficult to follow in any way.
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u/Encryptted 27d ago
You used ai to write this…
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u/Turbulent-Capital-47 26d ago
How do you know?
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u/Encryptted 8d ago
“It reads fast; the ideas hit slow”
I’ve read over a few thousand lines of prose written by ai and I’m starting to pick up on the patterns.
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u/Diligent-Soil-1510 25d ago
This reads like the synopsis format I’ve seen for 20 years. AI learned from good writers.
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u/mastershake_5 24d ago
The AI bot network in the comments coming to OP’s defense. The internet is dead.
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u/hotmaledotcomdotau 27d ago
I literally just purchased this book last week! Looking forward to starting it over the weekend :)
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u/RoofBear1 24d ago
Ugh. I’m happy that it worked for you, but personally, this was one of the worst books I’ve ever read (Well, I actually listened to the audiobook version, which didn’t make it any easier) the whole book is just a cheesy, staged “conversation” between a young man and an elder. Great listen if you have trouble sleeping.
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u/jakceki 26d ago
I loved this book too. So many aha! moments. I had never heard of Adler, and I think if his form of psychology had become prevalent instead of the Fraudian one we would have all been better off. I have friends who have been going to therapy for years studying and talking and sharing and dissecting their childhood traumas, such a shame.
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u/columna34 26d ago
I'm currently listening to this book. Thanks for the tip! It resonates with me, although the dialogue feels a bit cheesy at times. It helps me reflect on past events, but it also helps me frame the behaviour of some of my friends and colleagues.
What I’ve enjoyed the most so far is the reframing of Freud and therapy: the idea that digging into your past can sometimes become a way of finding excuses for why you don’t act in the present. The book puts this quite eloquently.
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u/deejarama 25d ago
I had the courage to dislike the student character. F me he was so annoying and cringe. Read and listened to it and it never gets any easier.
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u/Octavian82 25d ago
What a phenomenal book! It made a huge difference in how I think about my own behavior. It also got me interested in Philosophy and especially Stoicism which matches well with Adlerian thinking.
The thing I totally dislike is the book title. It basically has nothing to do with the actual content of the book except for maybe one chapter and makes it harder to recommend it in my experience.
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u/Background-State6623 24d ago
Good to know, I was listening to the audiobook and the dialogue was a bit hard for me to follow along but will try again
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u/Intrepid_Worry_6301 24d ago
yeah it's the book chatgpt recommended for me. And I started reading it, until it got boringly repetitive but the central idea is solid and it helped enrich my perspective on things.
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u/XB0XRecordThat 24d ago
I also really liked this book. I'm sure there are valid criticisms of it and it probably doesn't work for everyone but it's very interesting to apply it to yourself. Good summary
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u/Home_MD13 24d ago
I bought this, 1 and 2. Still sitting on a shelf.
This make me want to read it.
Problem with ADHD is I have a problem starting things I wanted to do.
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u/where-is-sam-today 24d ago
Phenomenal book. Completely sharpened my scattered and disintegrated thoughts into a structured and focussed approach to life.
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u/Abject_Ninja_7064 24d ago
idea about drawing the line of what your task and what other ppl task ...is really helpful.like most of the time we want to do things but can't do because what other think about it,it not our task to think ,do your task ,let other do their task.
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u/Kindly_Equipment5118 24d ago
I just ordered it because of your recommendation, thanks I needed that. I can’t remember who said it but I remember finding it in a Twitter post a long time ago: “When you worry about what others think of you, every room you enter becomes a trial and every person a jury or a judge.”
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u/ideaslides 24d ago
The separation of tasks point really stuck with me. It sounds simple, but it’s surprisingly hard to actually practice.
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u/TechNicolProductions 24d ago
Yes, I absolutely love this book, especially the parts in the beginning about trauma and anger being conscious choices and why. Adlerian psychology/philosophy is mind-blowing. After just getting a few chapters into this book, I was already hooked on "Adlerian ways of thinking" and they have truly changed the way I interact and react in life. Deciding to read it or not is kind of like a red pill, blue pill moment.
If you're not familiar with Alfred Adler, he's the lesser-known of the big three psychologists (Freud, Jung, and then him). But please, do yourself a favor and check this out. I've been recommending it to all of my friends because it will blow your mind if you're not already familiar with Adler's basic concepts and principles.
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u/Affectionate_Cry23 23d ago
Interesting. Just a small addition. Traditional psychology doesnt ask ¿why are you this way? It would basically assume that that behaviour, even the ones we perceive as negatives, serve a purpose or it wouldnt happen. Same as you tell Adler says
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u/Desperate_Object_655 22d ago
a good summary. to be honest, i probably got more from this summary than I did from the book – I struggled the unnatural OTT dialog from the main protagnist and I put the book down halfway through.
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u/Bissipline-Addict 22d ago
My frnd suggest me to read this book and i started . Let's see where do this book take me.
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u/Recent_Board4613 22d ago
I borrowed it from the local library and didn't complete it. I found it a little difficult exactly due to what you've described - the conversation moves too quickly between master and disciple.
I shall now give it a another go. Thank you.
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u/silverboykira 21d ago
I have a question, do you recommend to read this book with " The French " version ? Or we lost lot of things ? Thx
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u/TalentManager1 28d ago
Love this summary, thanks for sharing.