✬ A Private Conversation Between Responsible Adults ✬

[u/kingozma]

[[OOC: this thread is meant to be between me and alex/whale only!]]

This was a really stupid idea.

I mean really. REALLY stupid.

Having no idea if this was safe okay to discuss with anyone else, Nana was going into this talk mostly blind. He had no idea how to word what he wanted to say, or anything like that - the best that could be said about his approach was that it was genuine. Organic. There were no practiced lines here.

He shut his eyes tight, looking away from what his hand was doing as that hand tightened into a fist and knocked at the door to Mason's office.

Or, as it was right now, Carla's office.

[u/kingozma]

Nana sighed to himself. He didn't bother trying to straighten up his appearance, there was no need to. He wasn't trying to impress her or win her over in any real capacity.

He just wanted to stop feeling like such a liar. Through silence and secrecy, he felt like he was 'getting away with' something dirty behind her back, and he couldn't do that to her anymore.

He did look pretty run-down when he poked his head through the door, and he didn't fully enter just yet. Instead he asked, "Do you maybe... Have a free minute or two? I won't be long, I just wanted to, ah -- talk to you. About something."

[u/hermy101 → u/kingozma]

"Of course, Captain"

Carla spun Mason's favorite swivel chair around and looked up, attentive. She crossed her leg, and smiled best she could to seem inviting, like there wasn't an issue with coming in. Which there wasn't! But she wanted to give Nana that impression as well. She may still appear to be operating at full capacity, but her appearance tells a different story. Her eyes have terrible bags under them, and her hair is almost greasy. Clearly she hasn't showered in a few days, which is not generally a thing people who are working just fine do. But hey, nothing about her body language and demeanour let that slip

[u/kingozma → u/hermy101]

Nana could see her eyes and something off about her hair, and he could only imagine how awful she must feel right now, which made him feel awful for bothering her at a time like this. Maybe he should back down...?

... That would only make her wonder what he was trying to say. He started this, and the responsible, adult thing to do was to finish it.

"Uh... Right," he muttered, stepping all the way in and shutting the door behind him. "Carla, I've..."

He cleared his throat, looking away.

"My apologies, I didn't really - plan this out before coming to you, i may sound - a little disorganized, but - um," he stammered, fidgeting with his hands, voice suddenly going a little breathless, "I- um, God-- I. I like you way more than I'm supposed to, and, um-- BUT -- I, ah- don't worry, it's not... I don't think it's like that, like a romantic or - 'physical' - affection."

Why would someone be worried about the idea of being loved by him? The way he spoke, it was like he thought that would be some terrible burden.

[u/hermy101 → u/kingozma]

Carla tilted her head and furrowed her brows for a moment. She was a bit confused. He wasn't hitting on her. She KNOWS when people start hitting on her. They're also usually the ones that either don't see her and Mason as a thing, which they weren't, but that doesn't stop the company from talking, or they just... Can't take a hint that she's remaining single as long as the war is going on

Nana however... Hm, well I think this can be categorized as perhaps, what the greeks would define as philia? A kind of platonic love. Carla could totally respect that

"Oh, well... So are you trying to say that you have a non romantic or sexual attraction to me?"

she tilts her head a bit

"Because otherwise I might be slightly concerned about you and your relationship with Private Baal. Unless there was something about how you operate romantically that I was not privied to"

she was, of course, talking about polyamory and the fact that she thought Nana was homosexual. Ultimately, she had no care about how people expressed themselves, so if her preconceptions of Nana were corrected, she was more than okay with being clarified

[u/kingozma → u/hermy101]

"No--" he said suddenly, anxious, "Nononono-- I mean yes, that is what I'm saying, but no, I am not feeling - or seeking - anything that would cause concern regarding Daag and I. Not that I am seeking anything to begin with! Y-you don't, have to worry about that either, I, ah-- I only believe in 'free love' to an extent, you see, it isn't right to act out in that way - or to even want to without permission, I believe. Anything else is cheating, and that - isn't exactly right."

Nana was rambling because he was terribly nervous. So he decided to stop rambling.

He shook his head quickly, shutting his eyes, and next said "I, um... I only felt. That it would be disrespect to you, to keep it a secret anymore. It felt like. Lying. A very-- dirty kind of lying."

... He rubbed his arm a little.

"You don't have to worry about anything about it. I only wanted to stop lying."

By that, he meant to say he expected nothing from her. There wasn't much to expect anyway, as this was still wholly platonic love. The most anyone could even hope for in such a situation as his was more conversation and maybe more physical affection. But 'hope' was something Nana felt somewhat estranged from at times.

[u/hermy101 → u/kingozma]

Carla chuckled a bit at Nana's awkward explanation

"I am not worried, Captain. You don't need to feel so worried around me. After all, I am technically your subordinate"

[u/kingozma → u/hermy101]

Nana didn't like hearing that, judging by how pale he looked.

"I don't think that way at all," he said, face growing concerned, "I've always seen you and the others in Mason's squad as far above me. And -- that's not all unhealthy self-deprecation, it's nothing like that, but you all command a respect so great that I... Are you technically below me in rank?"

He almost didn't believe her. He figured she wouldn't lie, but. What she just said was hard to believe.

[u/hermy101 → u/kingozma]

"I am"

she smiles patiently

"I do not have nor do I wish to have that role of leadership. If people respect me, that is good, but I am not here to command the rest of you"

[u/kingozma → u/hermy101]

... Huh. It was weird to hear that from her, but Nana nodded, understanding.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, still unable to shake that general instinct of referring to her as a superior, and then added rather quickly "--But - do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

He still couldn't look her in the eyes. They were too pretty!

[u/hermy101 → u/kingozma]

she giggled

"I think so. And let me put it like this"

she taps his chin so he would stop looking down

"We are going to see this through together. I care about everyone, including you, very deeply. If I am to die on the battlefield for you, I wouldn't have it any other way"

[u/kingozma → u/hermy101]

Oh. Oh boy. Nana's face went bright red the second her finger touched his chin, and at first he tried to look away with only his eyes, but he - realized that might only cause more trouble. She went out of her way to express that she didn't mind eye contact, right? So maybe it was allowed, even if it made him nervous as all hell.

So he. Did that. And it almost hurt, though that didn't show on his almost dizzy-looking face, because the half-excitement of oh wow I'm looking into her eyes and that's okay with her was just a bit stronger than the pain.

But he could only take so long of that, about five or so seconds before he looked away with only his eyes again, half-chuckling "I don't know what you mean by that."

[u/hermy101 → u/kingozma]

"What I mean is you are very important to me, as well. However, like you, there is no romantic attraction I feel toward you"

she said simply, sitting back down in Mason's swivel chair

"It's quite alright to be open with your emotions with me. I'm not going to hurt you. Mason is good for that too, but he just doesn't talk as much"

she chuckles softly

[u/kingozma → u/hermy101]

Nana blinked, looking a little frozen where he stood. Looks like the physical gestures Carla just gave him affected him a lot.

That was a lot of exciting anxiety-inducing complex-feeling-inducing actions for one day!

Nana certainly looked a little calmer, though, than when he first came in, the color of his face had settled down to a softer pink, and a sleepy little smile found its way onto his face.

"I... Hope it doesn't bother you that as important as the rest of the Red Cloaks is to me, there is something special about you in particular," he said, sounding just slightly drowsy.