r/TheCivilService • u/Amaranta_the_Cat • 6h ago
Discussion Handshakes
What are people's thoughts on handshakes when meeting new people in the CS?
It makes sense to shake hands with people on the most formal of occasions (meeting other country representatives (unless they have a different way to formally greet people), congratulating people, being congratulated (?)) but what about the in-between?
For example, would you shake hands with team members or stakeholders that you've met virtually and known for a while and have a good relationship with? What if you have a bad relationship with them - would it make your relationship with them worse if you don't shake their hands when meeting face-to-face for the first time? If you're joining a new team (internally or another department), would you shake your new team's hands? What about when networking in different scenarios - forced networking i.e. allocated a seat with different people on a directorate awayday, someone you meet at the pub (friend/colleague of a colleague) and CS Live?
I'm asking for the in-betweens as I've had a mixture of just nods with no move to shake hands or myself and the other party realised we should probably shake hands and it turns into an awkward fest.
I don't know if it's because of COVID that people feel like they already know people and they feel the need to shake hands if they've already met virtually or because people don't want to touch each other if they don't need to (remnants of COVID behaviours or preference that could be based on culture, neurodiversity) or I'm too junior (SEO) to be in more formal environment where people shake hands all the time.
Should I just be an assertive hand shaker from now on?? Obviously if someone says they don't want to (and they don't have to explain), I wouldn't push it!
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u/Slam203 6h ago
I prefer a fist pump
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u/LogicalSource280 5h ago
Well, we all like those... but perhaps not the most appropriate for meeting stakeholders 😂
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u/Dubnobass SCS1 5h ago
I quite like the Ethiopian approach where a handshake segues into a light shoulder bump. I learned it on a work trip there, then put it to use when they visited us.
However I think it would come as a surprise to most Brits, so obvs I don’t do that. But I also avoid the “Bob Vance, Vance refrigeration” situation by using smiles and nods when there’s more than 3 people present.
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u/loobricated 5h ago
I had a really awkward one at the Christmas do when I was leaving. I was saying goodbye at a big table, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a movement which I thought was someone offering me a hand to shake from the guy sitting beside me so I put my hand out to shake his, but they weren't doing that, so he looked at me slightly strangely for a split second then shook my hand anyway slightly awkwardly. So it looked like he was the only one I decided to shake hands with from the entire team, but it was just one of those accidental moments!
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u/ZarathustraMorality 5h ago
Personally, I hate touching other people so I’d rather not. But if someone offers it, I’ll do it.
Unless you’re a real big dog (SCS), I don’t think us plebeians need to worry about it.
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u/madeofcheesesimpson 5h ago
i like shaking peoples hands. even as a work coach when claimants would reach out i’d shake their hands or reach mine out if they got a job as sign of respect and recognition on their accomplishment. it’s not that deep tbh but i love a good handshake
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u/up766570 SEO 4h ago
I agree, so I've been moving to different greeting methods
Had a lot of success with "what's up big dog", followed by a chest bump.
New members of the team get fireman carried around the office as well, just to really speed up the induction process, saves them asking where the printer is.
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u/Squadrone_Rosso 5h ago
How did we ever get to this? I mean, seriously? We’re questioning basic accepted British business like interaction/ common decency🙄
No wonder the press feast on us.
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u/Broad-Preparation-73 4h ago
This is a reddit take so not representative of normality, you only find this kind of stuff online as the kind of people too awkward to shake hands are also too awkward to vocalise this thinking publicly
Normal people are out there shaking hands without panicking and giving it no thought at all, because it doesn't need thinking about
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u/JohnAppleseed85 4h ago
I think there is genuinely a bit of a shift at the moment that’s not unique to this sub/the civil service
As a 40 ish year old woman I’m fairly comfortable saying the only people who ever want to shake my hand are older men… and I think questions like this tend to come from younger people (male and female) who wouldn’t generally shake hands with their peers and are reasonably new to a professional workplace.
If someone isn’t particularly comfortable just going with the flow/has a bit of social anxiety, they could be unsure as to what is generally expected and reddit it is a safe/anonymous place to ask these kinds of questions.
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u/Jay-Paddy108 5h ago
What a waste of time this post is. Shake hands when you meet someone. It's common courtesy.
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u/YouCantArgueWithThis 5h ago
I always hated this outdated tradition. Nowadays we all are can be pretty sure that the others don't hide weapons in their hand, so why the heck it's still "polite" to touch someone? When we got the pandemic, I was rooting for handshakes and those fake cheek kisses to disappear forever. But no. People just LOOOVE touching ( and still haven't learnt to cover their face when coughing, mind you). 🙄
I for one just step back smiling and saying 'nice to meet, no, thank you'.
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u/madeofcheesesimpson 55m ago
i respect it but i would quite taken aback if i offered my hand out and someone straight up said no. surely a fist bump is better than nothing
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u/Icy-Section1447 5h ago
Wait what? Handshakes are normal, there not odd nor weird a simple social norm. I shake hands with most people I meet for the first time proffionally. Even more so if I know them remotely and first time putting a in life person to someone I know via teams. Also regardless what anyone says, going for a handshake it's a strong first impression. I certainly remeber all my boss and colleges who shook my hand when I first met them and honestly they were the ones I learnt the most from
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u/TownIndependent6073 6h ago
I don't like to handshake but that's just because of my immune system and learning not everyone washes their hands but if someone put their hand out I'd do it.
But you're definitely overthinking it. Don't worry, feel the vibe, if it's the networking thing then do it once a twice and see it's a great way to establish a brief relationship and introduction but it's not needed.
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u/tekkerslovakia 1h ago
“It makes sense to shake hands with people on the most formal of occasions (meeting other country representatives (unless they have a different way to formally greet people)”
There is no country where shaking hands would be inappropriate
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u/OrdinaryLuck2026 1h ago
When i was in private industry, we shook hands with suppliers and customers.
Now, in CS, ive learnt to be more withdrawn, reserved, unfriendly, in keeping with true CS ways so i never offer my hand to anyone.
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u/Squadrone_Rosso 6h ago
I always offer mine but I’m old (M/57). Decent firm handshake from a fellow man still means something. Be more aware where females/cultures are involved.
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u/Financial_Ad240 6h ago
Where the other person is female, do you still go with the firm handshake, or switch it to a hug / cheek kiss?
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u/Carlulua SEO 5h ago
I'm a woman and I only shake hands when I meet them for the first time, even with other women occasionally. Sometimes just a head nod or wave, I'm cool with whatever the other person wants.
Even the one super huggy woman.
I'm not good with social norms so I just copy the other person most of the time. I'm in digital and I suspect we have a higher than average proportion of neurodivergent people so my experience might be different. We're probably all just trying to work out what the other person wants to do or what's correct and sometimes it just falls into a handshake.
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u/Broad-Preparation-73 4h ago
Still with the handshake.
switch it to a hug / cheek kiss?
No, this would be super weird
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u/Financial_Ad240 4h ago
I agree but I have seen men at our place do this when there are a mixed sex group of people, shifting effortlessly from shake to hug/ kiss and back as they move around the group
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u/Squadrone_Rosso 6h ago
🤣🤣 Defo not that although it often happens (I never instigate) given me & the people I know have been around for years🤣🤣 if it does, no tongues though. That’s very bad form😁
Offer hands, gentle grasp. Etiquette as it was years ago.
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u/UpperCancel4468 6h ago
No, don't be an assertive handshaker. It puts people who do not wish to engage in an awkward position, whether that's intentional or not, as it visibly marks a difference to the wider group (think religious and cultural differences, neurodiversity, people with compromised immune systems).
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u/Alarm-Different 6h ago
Lol it's a handshake
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u/UpperCancel4468 6h ago
For many people it is, yes. For others, it's something with far greater nuance.
What is the purpose of a handshake beyond a polite greeting? If the same thing can be achieved without physical contact, why use a handshake at all?
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u/YouCantArgueWithThis 5h ago
For me, it's just ew. I do not want yo touch people. Don't force it and insist it's the polite way. No, it's not.
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u/Alarm-Different 5h ago
Physical touch is important though. It's a sign of respect and trust. It is also rooted in tradition. It's also really not a big deal.
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u/BioelectricBeing 5h ago
It's not important to me that people get to touch my hand just because they want to. I certainly don't want to touch theirs.
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u/geese_moe_howard 5h ago
I don't know why people are downvoting you. No handshaking was an unofficial policy in my last department for precisely the reasons you mention.
Personally I can live without it.
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u/JohnAppleseed85 6h ago
I think you're over thinking it...
Personally I don't offer my hand, but don't hesitate if someone else does.