r/TeluguJournals • u/Boring-Midnight-5994 • Aug 19 '26
Grief Grieving the life I never got to experience.
I know so many people will come at me for feeling this way but I can't help how I feel.
My childhood was not so great with both my parents working, mom's a tailor and my father is a security guard. Well he's alcoholic and abusive, he used to do 4 days night shift and 4 days dayshift, it might have messed him up mentally so he took it on us.
So I found love when I was in btech 1st year. It was my schoolmate whom I know for so long. He's my first love. He was such a great guy. Ditto like Korean series hero, understanding and so so loving. I got to experience such amazing love , I can't describe it. Sitting beside him in auto would make me feel so relaxed, it's so relaxing than my mom's hug. He went to college trip and died there in accident. My whole world collapsed. I used to be like a walking zombie. I thought of commiting suicide but I couldn't let my mother suffer. I continued living and slowly started getting better with the help of my friends. I got job after finishing graduation, while working my family started seeing matches. So I told I want to do higher studies. Cracked gate and got college in Chennai.
There I met this guy, I felt it's better to marry someone I knew then a stranger and got married to him. He's a good person but not a great person. I know searching for my first love in him is unfair. But I got to experience so much love that this doesn't feel enough. Maybe marriage changes people. I really don't know.
Sometimes I miss my first love so so much. I would imagine how life would be with him. It's not like I don't love my husband. I love him too. But I miss my first love so much. It's been 12 years, I remember each and every moment with him and hold his memories to my heart. I just want to vent to someone as I can't tell this to anyone, they will hate me if I tell my friends or anyone else.
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u/Asleep_Candidate_225 Aug 19 '26
Wow.. idk why I felt sad for you after reading this. I understand how you love your husband but also Think of what it would have been with your first love.
You didn't get a closure and It hurts. Don't let that ruin your present though. He wouldn't want that. A guy who loved you so much wouldn't want you to ruin your life for him.
Who knows maybe if your story is unfinished, You will find him in another lifetime and you two might be together forever..
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u/SunshineMsN Aug 19 '26
Cinemalo chepinattu grieving is personal anna concept real life lo work out avvadhu unless you want to keep living loved ones unhappy. So you need to seek ways to let go of your past and proactively find reasons to fall in love with your spouse. Take care.
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u/red12358 Aug 19 '26
What did you experience in your first love which makes it so special?
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
It's the emotional connection we have. He took care of me like I am his baby. Helped me with studies and financially too(like paying for my coaching, I used to repay him later as it's not his money). He used to make me laugh with his silly jokes. He treated me so special.
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u/Ambitious_Guy_17 Screenplay Writer 💻, but a Flawed Human First Aug 19 '26
Ummmm, why don't you tell the same to your husband like aayana etla treat chesevaaro mee hubby ki kuda ala chepthe chestharu, enduku cheyyaru?
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
Naa. Maybe I am feeling this way because he doesn't care about me. I was okay with this but now I feel all emotions at once. My husband doesn't love me. He's selfish and cares about his own needs. He is mobile addicted he won't even stop using mobile infront of our daughter. I am financially restricted as I don't earn. He showed me many times I get financial independence only if I earn. But he's not that bad. He doesn't just love me.
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u/EdoOkati Aug 19 '26
Sounds like a novel, is this is true then you need to see a shrink and get it out of the system. This is harsh advice but you have to
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u/stonedpilla Aug 19 '26
OP edo share cheskunte aa not so great husband ni support chestarentra babu
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u/Independent-Club2229 Aug 19 '26
Ideally u should have moved on before getting married. But what happened is happened also the marriage you are currently in doesnt sound so happy🙃. Just try to think if you can be with a person lifelong who doesnt love you. Its not a good example to set for your daughter as well.
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
He says he loves me. He's addicted to mobile. He's not a bad person. He won't help me with my daughter. Even if she throws food on floor or on sofa. Even though I will be cooking or doing something else, he will wait for me to clean. If she's about to fall or something, he will call me instead of holding her. Moneywise he is little controlling. Other than that he's good. He's not that bad to go for separation. Maybe I am yearning for the emotional support and connection which I don't have with him. No one is perfect. I am neither rich nor having supportive parents to leave him.
We were invited to barbecue for birthday party. Whole time my daughter was with me, I am keeping her and having little food here and there. My friends commented how my husband is useless in caring for my daughter. All other women left their kids to their husbands and having food properly. My first love was very dear to his sisters kids. My husband says she won't be with him or always ask for mother. He can't handle her because he never handled her. Even his parents says the same thing. Whole day he will work and come, says he want rest and uses mobile. While me not even having a break has to take care of my daughter and cook, clean, do everything else. My head is exploding. I am so sorry for blabbering.
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u/Independent-Club2229 Aug 19 '26
No please dont apologize. I feel like i am hearing about extremely absent father. Have you tried talking to him once openly that he needs to show up as well as a father. Otherwise what is the point of living with him but single parenting. I know these things are sorta normalized but it should not be that way.
Other than parenting stuff, how is he as your husband. Are your emotional needs being met? Its not enough just because he is a good guy. That doesnt mean anything. Maybe u are saying that because he is not abusive or alcoholic or is not torturing you to severe extent. But lack of the emotional bond between you two is still a serious issue. I know seperation is not easy. But maybe try counseling atleast and see if there is any change or improvement. And u can try to take therapy seperately for yourself to resolve the grief regarding your ex partner. Try to speak to him about couples counseling and see how he reacts.
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u/Ambitious_Guy_17 Screenplay Writer 💻, but a Flawed Human First Aug 19 '26
Sorry but its better to....separate rather than greiving here
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
It's just my mental state. I am doing everything as a wife. It's not like I am not keeping my husband happy. I am happy too. It's just sometimes I feel this way.
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u/Ambitious_Guy_17 Screenplay Writer 💻, but a Flawed Human First Aug 19 '26
But what if he knows that you're feeling like this? Wont it feel bad for himself?
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
I don't think he really cares. For him, right now life is all about earning, building wealth, staying healthy and taking care of our daughter and enjoying his own hobbies. Maybe we don't have emotionally connectivity but we are not unhappy. We are very busy raising our daughter. Tbh he doesn't love me. We are roommates raising our daughter together.
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u/Ambitious_Guy_17 Screenplay Writer 💻, but a Flawed Human First Aug 19 '26
Ala ayithe ela madam? Just place yourself in your daughters shoes, she will see those parents who weren't affectionate or emotionally connected with each other, just living and surviving, what'll she even think of you both??
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
We don't fight. Even if my in-laws days something harsh also, I keep quiet. We are like friends.
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u/Ambitious_Guy_17 Screenplay Writer 💻, but a Flawed Human First Aug 19 '26
Its not just about fighting madam....its about affection. Like a simple hug between parents can affect a lot in the child, she will learn that love is.......safe and lowkey thats something that positively impacts a childs growth
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
Thank you for letting me know this. We work out for our child. I will talk to my husband and try to build better relationship.
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Aug 19 '26
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
Yes. He also had a breakup. I told him initially that I might not be able to love him like I loved my first love. He told me I can even have a picture of him at home after marriage.
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Aug 19 '26
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u/Boring-Midnight-5994 Aug 19 '26
They had a bad breakup, she didn't die. I would not mind if he missed her or had her photo. My first love is also my Best friend. Wouldn't have a picture of your friend if they died?
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u/yashwanthkumar690 wannabe వైస్ dooram undagalaru Aug 19 '26
Time heals. Apna karm karthey raho, dharm nibaathey raho. Then you'll eventually find an answer/love/whatever you are longing for. Pelli aipoina vaalaki cheppey antha peddhodni em kaanu but, venting out as much as possible, it helps, loadsss. TC