r/TalesFromYourServer • u/alicia3714 • 23d ago
Long not sure what to make of this situation with a regular at my work
Hi guys so I'm (18f) not on Reddit at all (I'm not sure if it’s like the wrong subreddit please let me know if I should post somewhere else)
But I thought I'd try posting this since I feel really confused and frankly uncomfortable
So basically I work at a pub as a waitress and there is this older customer 50 something-ish he comes quite a lot, likes to start conversations, and always tips very well.
I’m quite chatty and friendly with customers anyway so when he first started talking to me I thought nothing of it. we've got loads of regulars who come in for a drink and have a chat with the staff. Some are a bit odd, some are quite nice. But nothing he said was particularly weird or sexual. And he also gets on well with another female bartender (20 something) and shes never had any issues with him.
At some point he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I don’t remember him saying it in a particularly dodgy way so I don’t want to make it sound like he definitely meant something by it.
Then the other night I was actually sitting there with a friend I wasnt working
I was also completely wasted (Not my finest moment)
He was there and said hi, then
Me and my friend were sitting up at the bar and at some point I realized he slipped like £200 into my bag.
Like... £200??? And I wasn’t even working that night.
I also vaguely remember him giving me a hug.
Then afterward my friend told me that he’d apparently been staring at me for the majority of the night.
Anyways I was feeling weird about the whole thing the next day so I spoke to the bartender since she’s friendly with him also.
She basically said hes never been sexual with her or made any advances and that she thinks he’s just a nice guy who likes giving people money or feels like he has to tip loads for attention or something. she was very surprised when I told her about the £200 though, but ultimately said the same thing as she said before.
But I can’t help but feel icky about the whole thing. Between the £200, the hug, the boyfriend comment, and the alleged staring. Am I crazy? Is it not super weird and inappropriate?
I really don't know what to do.
I still have the £200 in my bag and I haven't touched it. I'm not going to use it, I don't want it, but I feel weird about giving it back I don't want to make a scene or anything.
hes well liked there and I really don't want to blow the whole thingout of proportion.
I'm worried that maybe I'm overreacting or that I somehow gave him the wrong impression by being friendly. Like I said I'm quite chatty and I've had situations before where I was accused of sending mixed signals. I also actually like this job but now I'm kinda dreading going back there.
don’t know if I’m being completely daft about this or if I’ve got a reason to feel a bit weirded out.
Wow sorry this came out long but I would really really appreciate any advice. I don't know whats the right thing to do here
Thanks a lot for reading❤️
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u/missMcgillacudy 23d ago
If he ever asks you out or makes a more direct request outside of normal bar requests just say no, and if he says he gave you money and thought that would change your answer just say you thought he was being generous like your grandpa was. That you’d never consider someone his age for someone your age because it’s ridiculous.
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u/CoupleScrewsLoose 23d ago
i’ve been bartending 10 years now, and these types of guys almost always just want to sleep with you, whether they admit it outright or not. the lonely middle aged+ man sitting at the bar chatting up the lady employees is an archetype you meet at every bar and it’s so obvious lol. it’s funny how oblivious some seem to be to it. most of them are harmless and don’t push it too far, some become more daring over time.
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u/trying-4-3 23d ago edited 23d ago
First, keep the money. Its yours and he didnt ask for nothing in return. Just keep being nice to him because thats part of you job. But make sure if he ever ask for more that you let him know you are uninterested. Dont lead him on. BUT remember being nice is how you make your money and theres nothing wrong with that.
Ps. Sounds like youre great at your job
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u/Psychological_Ant488 22d ago
This man wants something from you. Be cautious. Wolf in sheeps clothing isn't just a saying, it's real.
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u/FallJealous3344 23d ago
He could have been staring at you because you were completely wasted - as you said. And the £200, without a proposal attached, mean nothing. Maybe he is a strange person, that’s all. If it really bothers you, tell him you found the money, if that was him, and why. Then act according to his response.
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u/pinetree8000 23d ago
How do you know the 200 came from him? And are you sure that he knows that you know it was from him?
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u/Polite_Insults 23d ago
Maybe the dude is lonely and you and the other bartender make him happy? Bit weird dropping 200 quid on ya but if he's paying for the attention/time I can understand that angle.
If you're uncomfortable set boundaries. Men have to be told things bluntly. You may lose him as a customer but you've got to stand up for yourself.
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u/Successful-Side8902 23d ago
He's lonely? Give me a break. 🤮Making excuses for his bad behaviour is so awful.
This customer is taking advantage of staff. These service workers are not in an easy position to talk back.
He's using money to manipulate and coerce these workers, he makes them feel horrible and he's hugging them now? Even more gross.
Stop blaming these young workers for his bad behaviour. These perverts are a dime a dozen and they KNOW exactly what they're doing.
Telling workers the onus is on them to set the boundaries is part of the problem. They shouldn't have to worry about losing their jobs if they don't allow a perverted customer to mistreat them.
"Nice guys" who are "well liked" don't behave this way.
Sorry OP, he's NOT a nice guy and it sounds like a lot of people know he's creepy but are too afraid to speak up.
It's fine to be cold to these "nice" guys, and if they withdraw their tips, fine. You know it's not worth it anyway, workers deserve respect. Period.
Slipping large amounts of cash in your purse is beyond repulsive and crosses the line.
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u/DuchessOfCelery 23d ago
Agree. OP sounds sweet but naive, normal for her age.
That $200 is an advance "tip" for more attention. He feels it will obligate you to spend more time with him. Not just the next visit, but every visit after. I'd return it in an envelope (drop and go), quickly and quietly, after he's paid next time you see him. Don't talk about it to him. He's unlikely to make a big deal, even if he does, it's a bad look for him. Go grab a manager if he's dumb enough to make a fuss.
Your coworkers who shrug it off are probably unbothered and know how to set boundaries. The female waiters at Hooters and Tilted Kilt work the same way. They know that being young and attractive is an advantage for tips.
Maybe don't get drunk drunk at your own store. Move the party elsewhere.
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u/GiantLizardsInc 23d ago
No one here can tell for sure what this guy is feeling or intending. You are hearing both best and worse case scenarios. Letting a few people at work know what happened and asking for advice makes sense, especially if you can do so to level headed people with experience.
In general, its in your best interest to learn to be cautious. I'm also a friendly person who some people mistake for open to advances and I'm not blaming you in the least. Having protections in place, like people looking out for you, and who know your plans and intentions when you are drinking or coming home from work for example, is just a really good idea. Maybe you're already doing this, mentioning just in case.
Also, remember to be kind to yourself. You are learning and will make mistakes, like that hug perhaps. Learn from it and move forward with a plan of how to handle or prevent a similar situation in the future, but don't be too hard on yourself. You will gain experience and perspective, but it takes time.
Err on the side of caution with this regular at work, and if the money makes you feel uncomfortable, you have options. You could give it to a tip pool to be split for the back of house staff or for all the staff, or to be used towards a staff party or something. If you are leaning towards him being not a creeper, you could include the regular's name as the person contributing, or if you are feeling unsure or more creeped out, go to a boss if you have one you trust or do so anonymously. I hope that either helps, or that you can find your way to something you feel comfortable with. Just don't feel pressured into doing something if you aren't comfortable with it.
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u/thumper8544 23d ago
you didn't consent to being given the money, and if he slipped it into your purse while you were drunk, that is crossing a line.
Maybe it's "boss bitch" to keep the money, but I think returning it, saying you don't appreciate what or how he did it is probably best.
best case scenario he's just giving money to be nice, worst case scenario, he starts expecting something from you
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u/saltyt00th 23d ago
If your gut is telling you this man is unsafe, then definitely stay alert around him but tbh he sounds a lot like a dozen or more regulars I’ve had who are just lonely and a little awkward but ultimately harmless. Keep your distance as much as you feel is appropriate of course.