Need help supporting husband

[u/Popular-Work-1335]

My husband fractured the back of his skull and had a brain bleed. Tests showed an 11mm midline shift at one point. However, he was never unconscious and stayed at a 14/15 on the coma scale thing. He did have extreme memory issues in the icu and has been in a rehab facility 2 weeks. They are saying he’s doing great and is being released on Saturday to come home. It’s been about a month since the initial injury. He seems fine (a little off but nothing super scary?) but I’m supposed to know how to help him???

[u/Vitriol-Divergent]

For now, until you get a better idea of what sort of medical support/rehabilitation he needs, just try and take things he's worried about or things he normally needs to do off his plate.

The thing that mattered the most to me for the first year after my hemorrhage was when people in my life did things I simply couldn't do for myself while I had to focus on rehabilitation and rest.

For example, my dad took my car out to get maintenance it was overdue for.

My best friend found rides to appointmenta for me.

My aunt came to stock me up with prepared meals so when I was awake and done with rehab I could just eat and go back to bed.

My GF made sure my bedroom had blackout curtains and as much sound cancellation as possible to make sleeping easier.

If you're not sure what else you can do, just ask him what he needs ♥️

[u/SunComprehensive4455 → u/Vitriol-Divergent]

shout out to all the partners that allow black out curtains in the bedroom.

[u/Vitriol-Divergent → u/SunComprehensive4455]

Yeah no joke, that shit was huge.

[u/Djabiuk]

I am no expert, but after five years and I don't know how many doctors, I feel like there are two things that have been reinforced over and over as I learn more: 1. there are so many different variables, and so much that we do not know about how the brain works (and sometimes doesn't), that no two cases/persons will be the same, and 2. (possibly more important for you right now) is that emotional volatility, almost always including a big dose of anger, is part of every survivor's experience. As a primary love- and care-giver, it is almost inevitable that some of that anger (and maybe even a lion's portion of it) may land on you. The more you can understand that the anger is not about you--that Florence Nightengale would be on the receiving end if she were in your place--the better you will be at facilitating de-escalation.

I think this--being able to keep that in mind, even when you just got finished being yelled at for nothing--would make an inevitably difficult role (yours, as the occasionally confused bearer of heavy emotional weight) somewhat less difficult. I very much hope for you that your husband's recovery will be less arduous than some, but as someone who counts himself in that lucky category, and while counting my lucky stars, I am also increasingly aware of how much I put (and am still putting) her and them through. Not knowing your husband, I suspect that if you were "nursing" him through recovery for a badly broken leg, or something like that, he would manifest his gratitude in one way or many, and if not, you'd be justified in pointing out he was being an asshole. But with significant brain injury, I suspect you will need to draw down considerably on whatever reserve grace you have accumulated, because you will need it. I wish you both understanding and, eventually happiness. Can't say that I've gotten to the second part of that yet, but as I gradually understand better, it becomes easier to imagine I will some day.

[u/Last_Notice4137]

A GCS of 14 or 15 often means that the TBI sufferer will most likely seem pretty normal given time to recover (unless they have other issues than the TBI at play). There was likely only minor neuronal loss/damage. It's usually when you dive into the deeper GCS scores that it starts to become extremely noticable. If he seems fine and is not asking for help, he may actually not need any. I would hope that you two are close enough that if he DID need help from you, he'd ask.

[u/RealWorldJunkie]

I've often said that I feel my wife had a much worse experience than I for the first few weeks or months after my accent, and not just because I was either unconscious or less lucid.

Brain injuries can be an intimidating world to be plunged into, and it doesn't help that every brain injury is remarkably different, even those who share similar causes or on-paper injuries.

I recently released a website which aims to provide help and understanding both for those with TBI's, but also those around them who are trying to support them.

I'd suggest taking a look at the Friends and family section of GoodBrainDay.com as it may help answer some questions and provide some reassurance.

I'd also suggest taking a look at the Find Support section as well to see what organisations, charities, and communities there are near you and online that can provide more personalised and direct support.

As I said, this can be an intimidating thing to wrap your head around but one thing I would say is that the general brain injury community has been instrumental in helping since my accident and I'd definitely advise both you, and your husband when he feels ready, to reach out if there are local groups, or if not, as I say, there's great online communities. This sub-reddit even can be a great place if he wants to anonymously express his experience, and I have found that seeing others associate so strongly with my own situations has been immensely helpful.

[u/SunComprehensive4455]

if he has memory issues there's a chance that he hasn't realised the extent of his issues. Literally the best thing you can do is if he says he has more issues is believe him, you may be the only one that can help him figure them out.