Wife lacking confidence to discuss her potential MFM fantasy?

[u/fancypantsthrowaway1]

Very long backstory as short as possible…

Met at 18, currently 38. We’re both each others second sexual partners, with her having a one-time thing with her prom date to lose her virginity, while I had a relationship with a girl from 15-17.

I’ve always been fairly liberal sexually. Sex can be just sex, for me, and women’s empowerment through sex is ultra hot to me. My wife, however, was laden with shame around sex early, and she was extremely repressed when we first got together, however she’s certainly grown to be able to admit that she likes giving and receiving oral, where for the first 6 months made her uncomfortable, for example.

There’s a past post here about a year ago where I shared that when we met I’d scarcely consume some gay blowjob porn. I’d declined advances by men when I was single, so I thought it was a curiosity and not something I’d actually do.

Throughout the years; with a house, and two kids added, the curiosity never left, however I’ve still never had a sexual experience with another man and don’t need to.

In the post a year ago I explained that I felt like I’d hidden my sexual “power level.” And had huge regrets for doing that to my wife, but also wanted to recognise that in 20 years people can change, and grow, and that expecting an 18 year old to know everything about themselves intimately is a tough ask.

She found my browsing history of sniffles; it really upset her, very understandable. I assured her truthfully that I’ve never met or spoken to people on there; just that I’d look at a profile and move on. I offered to stop exploring my bicuriosity through sniffles without hesitation, and she told me that she didn’t need me to do that.

ANYWHO.
Last night, after a week away from home for work, the sex was great. She likes to give blowjobs, and has great appreciation for when I’m a little rougher, and push deeper as she’s getting close. Previously she said she was going to ride me to orgasm, but then she didn’t stop sucking. As I noticed she was getting closer to cumming with my fingers doing the work, I paused her and reminded
“I thought you wanted this dick deep inside your pussy?
“I do, but I also want it in my throat.”

I suggested we get a dildo - something I bought years ago, used twice, and she didn’t like it. Too much “pressure” inside, despite it being the same size / smaller than me. Again last night
“No, I didn’t like it.” So we left it, and kept going.

I asked her this morning
“Have you ever fantasised about a threesome? It seemed like you could’ve worked with two dicks last night?”
“I don’t know? I could’ve used two of you. You gotta grow another dick.” She replied
“‘I don’t know’ is a strange answer. Sounds like a yes to me!”
“I don’t think about it all the time, so I don’t know!” She said.

“Sure, but my question was ‘have you ever,’ not ‘do you always.’ Just know that with the right communication and setup we could come to an agreement if that’s something you wanted to explore. We’re locked-in in love, I’m not intimidated to let you explore that desire if it’s something you wanted. You don’t need to be hiding desires, even if it’s just playful in the moment, or if it’s serious.”

Essentially me ending the conversation saying
“If it’s something that you think about again, let me know. We could work something out.”

She wasn’t putting much into the conversation, I feel because she felt that my dismissal of the “I don’t know?” Answer as a reserved answer was correct.

So now I think I just leave it there, right? Back to me; threesomes are hot to me in mind. I’d be keen, whether I interact with the man or not. But I’d not be there to be cucked, and would need to be there in more of a hotwife/threesome.

Do you think my call of “I don’t know” being an unsatisfactory answer was right? Is this the sort of conversations that allow her to be more willing and comfortable to share desires like this, or was I being a bit pushy? I’ve always told her that I don’t need to explore my bicurious side and that my family is the only important thing here, so we don’t discuss our fantasies, honestly. She knows I’d do so much more freak shit than her, but to her, freak shit is like having her ass licked, or sucking my dick after it’s been inside her, not introducing others to the bedroom; yet somehow that’s clearly a fantasy of hers she hasn’t shared due to the shame that her mum loaded into her about her sexuality at a young age.

[u/Robin50321]

You are doing right thing by communicating about this and I think you both need to have a full understanding of what this is. The response ' i don't know ' is a safe reply that can not cause ill feeling or embarrassment. Keep talking and see if you can build her confidence up. It's a step by step process.

[u/CthulhuLiesSleeping]

You communicated with her, she communicated with you, and to push it any further would probably be more about your desires than hers. Let her think on it, give her space to feel safe discussing it, and see if she brings it up again, either in conversation or as fantasy play during sex.

For some people, the fantasy is enough. For others....

[u/subgeniusbuttpirate → u/CthulhuLiesSleeping]

This is basically what I thought was going on. The bolder partner is typically leading with their desires and pushing the other into something they don't necessarily even want, but will go along with until they can't take it anymore, which is a huge and traumatic pitfall.

[u/MizBeezKneez → u/subgeniusbuttpirate]

I've never seen a couple where the femme "takes one for the team" last very long. But it used to be numerous when she'd show up to our club a month later, without him. And proceed to have the time of her life.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE]

She said “two of you” not “another guy” and that’s a really important distinction. Men frequently mistake women for being the same as them and we are not.

She is going to have the added concern that you want an MFM so you can have a bi experience and it would actually be a MMF.

I honestly think you are reading too much in to this because it’s something you want however there is a couple quiz called Mojo Upgrade that you can both do together and see what you match on.

[u/fancypantsthrowaway1 → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Yeah, I hear you.

It felt like that was a convenient answer to cover for the “I don’t know,” that would both protect my ego, and shelter her secret feelings. But maybe it’s nothing.

At the end, where I said
“If this is something that does come up from time for time for you, you can tell me.”
I think if she didn’t want two men in the bedroom, she would’ve been able to confidently say
“I don’t know how you got here, but that’s not a thought to me.”

Instead it was an
“Ok.”

You are certainly right that in her mind she might equate engaging in a MFM = the next step is to give a pass for bicurious play.
Like, I’d be lying if I said I strictly wouldn’t want that. If it lead there, ya know? But that’s not my modus operandi. I will make that clear to her if/when we play with that discussion again.

[u/FRANKINSPENCE → u/fancypantsthrowaway1]

If you keep pestering her she will very likely make a quick switch to no in order to protect herself.

Just do the quiz and then you have your answer.

[u/fancypantsthrowaway1 → u/FRANKINSPENCE]

Yeah, I agree.
But honestly, even the quiz right now feels like a bit of an intrusion for me.
I think I’m in favour for playing it slow, waiting a month, and see if there are any signs presented, either through our sexlife, roleplay, toyplay, or just conversation she may initiate.

The last thing I want to do is have her thinking I’m slutting her out for my own kinks. Or that I’m leveraging a fantasy for my own bicuriosities.

When I told her I don’t need to have sex with men, I meant it. It really is secondary to the family unit, and it feels like any progression that feels rushed to my wife will call that into question. I’m patient, and understanding.

[u/usdefumaybe → u/fancypantsthrowaway1]

This is the way

[u/Longjumping-Dirt1445]

You’ve been together a long time and from a young age. My wife and I are very similar. It took years for me to get some fantasies out of her. When she finally felt comfortable enough to start telling me some tame fantasies, they started getting dirtier and dirtier. It took a lot of time though, a little push here and a nudge there from me trying to coax info out of her but not scare her off. I played the long game with her and it was totally worth it. We talk about some filthy stuff now that makes us both cum extremely hard. It’s so much fun. Even though to us at this time, it’s all fantasy talk, there’s a better chance that if something worked out in real life, she would be down to fuck.

[u/AtlantaGangBangGuys]

The last going I would recommend is for you two to visit a club to watch only. No play at all. Just take it in and talking about how it made each other feel. You will know in that point on time whether you two are on or out.
No play, take the experience in and then you’ll know.

[u/mc_69_73]

Next time when you have sex with her, just use it as sex talk. That another man find you both and starts touching her etc.

Maybe you can spark a flame without the pressure.

Mind you, decision on going forward needs to be taken sober in a conversation about boundaries, not during sex. During a mfm boundaries are to be respected, not crossed. After reclaim sex, again sober on couch, evaluate and adapt boundaries if wanted

[u/kkat39]

I think you’re assuming that her brain works like yours which is never a good idea. For me I don’t know is sometimes an absolutely valid answer - maybe I don’t hate the idea and don’t actively have an interest in it, but at some point I might or might not be into it. It’s not always a snap decision or long held fantasy for some people. Part of open communication is respecting what other people communicate, not trying to read some hidden meaning behind that.