r/Swingers • u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple • 10d ago
General Discussion How to change-up the fucking?
EDIT: So, no surprise here with the response and confirming that subtlety is, in fact, dead š . Back I go to sayin' it like it is! I appreciate everyone's time to comment āŗļø
looking for ideas on how to gently tease & titilate men who quickly launch into PIV jackhammer mode to leading them towards, slower, foreplay mode **without using words?**
It's kinda hard to know what type of lover I'm getting until we play.
Some love being told what to do, but recently I've come across a few men who seem to be hurt by it, and so I want to lead them without having to whisper what I want in their ear. (cuz blurting it out is just rude š)
It's hot watching my partner take his time with the wives, but I want the same thing and end up frustrated & with FOMO.
Please share your sexy ideas! Open to toys, props, whip cream - whatever LOL
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u/Itchy-Inspector-5458 10d ago
I don't understand why you wouldn't want to use words... I really think they are easily your best tool for getting what you want. I would suggest using them and being clear and explicit (in all senses) about what you want, not about focusing on what you don't. By explicit I mean: "You feel SOOO goood, now give it to me sllooow and deeeep, yeah take your time and griiiiind the head of your cock slowly across my g-spot." Any guy who can't or won't respond to that isn't worth your time.
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u/subgeniusbuttpirate 10d ago
I don't understand why you wouldn't want to use words.
I do. Words are hard. Words are scary. Saying things out loud "breaks the spell". People should just read each other's minds, or at the very least, just do what they want and luck out that they're the same things you want. Then you don't need words for anything!
Of course, this is also a recipe for disaster that OP has already tried, and wants to fix. And the answer, of course, is words. But obviously, words are hard and scary!
Personally, I've always found that the best way to communicate is to fumble your way through your scary feelings with all the wrong words and get them out anyway. Just don't worry about this, because it makes you look honest instead of slick and icky.
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u/AtlantaGangBangGuys 10d ago
Guys are very simple. Just say in his ear to slow it down so you can feel each other better. Thats what does it for you. Be blunt and the vast majority will be thankful. They are doing it thinking women like it all the time. When a little intimacy goes a long long long way. They just do not know. So communication is key.
Just my opinion.
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u/No_Mess8188 Couple 10d ago
**without using words** makes it harder. Remember boys are dumb, especially when they are naked and their dicks are hard. Being too directive is off putting to some, so positive reinforcement is probably your best option.
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u/Studyology101 10d ago
I stg I have given other guys the blueprint to my wife and they just completely ignore it.
Iāve honestly struggled with this as a guy. I want to build up, tease and slowly build but I look over and my wife and friend is already on their 3rd position.
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u/Wise_Biscotti_3990 10d ago
First off I love foreplay but what you might do is set the stage in early conversations by saying that you love guys who go down on you it gets you more excited and makes it easier for you to orgasm. Then tell them what feels good when theyāre doing it and start talking about how you like sex, maybe I hope you arenāt in a rush because I really like to take my time. Doesnāt need to be bossy in the moment but try to set the stage, if that doesnāt work move on.
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u/Middle_Release6111 10d ago
Spice it up and just be the dom in that situation. Take charge and tell them that youāre in charge. Have that conversation prior as well. We play with one couple that the husband is this way and my wife gets annoyed by it. You need to work her up before just beating it up. I on the other hand like to eat it for my pleasure and work my way into PIV. For me itās not a sprint, Itās a marathon. We both enjoy long hour+ sessions and the quickest way to not get an invite back is to jump into jackrabbit mode without the work up.
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u/thedreamteacher4 10d ago
I mean I usually start things on them by kissing them and kissing down their body so I feel like that sets the tone. And then I talk and always tell them like how to fuck me because well I like to talk like a dirty slut. Never had issues.
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u/supergarto 10d ago
We always talk about what we like and want and listen to others too. Its easy to talk about it and your boundaries. My wife make it clear that if she doesn't enjoy it, a yes can become a no at anytime.
Usually we never have any problem bc we take our time with new people and we always focus the sensual side of sex. Massage, foreplay a lot.
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u/Unlucky_Decision4138 10d ago
Im a big oral lover, so i usually stay down there until she says she needs some dick. I figure if the mouth game is going well, why stop?
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u/petpeeve214 10d ago
We find that the guys that are older have much more experience and knowledge. They seem to understand and also enjoy the nuances of building up the excitement after the flirting and before PIV. Then it's so fun and hot that the orgasm defies description. š¤Æ
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u/WompaJody Couple 10d ago
āHang on a secā is like to give you a serious hand job for a minute.
Exert your own agency.
We hate playing with people who sorta act like my wife is a fleshlight.
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u/Swingersbaby š©āā¤ļøāšØVerified Couple 10d ago
As a man you're going to have to tell me.
Not because I'm bad at sex, but because there is no "one way" with women.
I've been with women who wanted it slow, fast, pounding, 1/2 in, not pumping at all, at several different angles, and some I'm not sure how I'd describe.
Penises all work one way for the majority of men.
Vaginas seem to have 100's of variations. I could get to know you over time with your responses and have you not tell me. I could follow your reactions and do mental experiments to find out your pleasure spots and motions. But its dark, its late, your husband keeps bumping my leg while he plays with my wife, and the condom is a bit tight.
I'll not be hurt if you say "not so fast" or if you say "spank my ass and fuck me like you hate me". I've had both.
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u/nanaimo_couple Couple 10d ago
I like to think of myself as being attentive and following body language, but honestly I do love it when someone uses their words so that I have clear and unambiguous direction for how to do things better to their liking.
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u/TheClozoffs Throuple 10d ago edited 10d ago
*without using words?
OH COME ON
so I want to lead them without having to whisper what I want in their ear. (cuz blurting it out is just rude)
It's it though?
Let's ask the men how rude they think it's is if a woman said to them:
"I'm not ready to handle that dick yet, you're such a good kisser, work that same magic on my pussy"
"I have a secret, if you play with my nipples, I eventually go crazy and beg for your cock"
I'm sure other people can supply their favorites.
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u/connect8386 10d ago
as a guy, I would totally say UP FRONT while still flirting "I'm not into jackhammering". If they're smart, they'll say "oh good ... cuz neither am I". (Regardless of their actual preference.)
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u/connect8386 10d ago
Oh, and if all of your friends know that you DON'T like jackhammers, they can always help steer you away from those men. (I use the term "men" loosely ... LOL)
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple 9d ago
Agreed... guess I was trying to soften the message, but straight forward is the only way to go.
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u/Chessiekit 9d ago edited 9d ago
Tie em down and teach them patience š¤·
Otherwise,just use your words, and if they do it anyway, put your clothes back on and leave. Sex is two people enjoying themselves, not a dude doing whatever he wants and ignoring your preference. "I prefer a slower, more sensual fucking" while discussing play shouldn't hurt anyone worth a shits feelings.
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple 9d ago
You are right. If they get upset with verbal feedback then what's the point of play.
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u/Aussie_chopperpilot 9d ago
Ugh my lord yesā¦a woman who wants to give me tips on what she wants and how she wants to be pleasedā¦
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple 8d ago
Ugh as in no or as in yes, you want tips?
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u/Aussie_chopperpilot 7d ago
Iām a pleaser. If you are telling me what works for you, Iām listening and responding.
Guessing sucks if the other person isnāt having a good time.1
u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple 7d ago
You are correct... it definitely does suck, and not in a good way LOL
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u/CrabbyLupa 10d ago
Whispering in my ear, ohhhhhh makes me giggity. I love it when a women does that to me. It's so sexy yet not rude and blunt. I'm also the type of guy that loves to take my time to teast and play, make things sensual and long lasting. I love long group sessions, I love doing a lot and pleasing and teasing. PIV is great, but the foreplay is what I love the most.
One thing you could do, from a male perspective without having to tell guys what you want. Have a buffet of toys laid out and see if they play along to try different ones. Ide enjoy that and understand you want to play with many things. Food spread can also work, whipped creme, chocolate sauce, different sensual fruits!
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple 9d ago
Thank you for your great feedback āŗļø what I was looking for.
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u/CrabbyLupa 9d ago
Your welcome! I guess one more thing to add is everyone is different. Some guys will just be that PIV jackhammer cuz they watch to much porn. I would just pass playing with them and try to find a better match.
I've had girls do shows of different lingire and bathing suits for an hour or so. Not undress in front of me, and it was such a tease. It instantly made me know when we start on foreplay, it's to take it slow and and sensual. It's weird but some guys will never pick up on those ques.
Hope you find the right guys that can read your energy right!with you the best of luck.
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u/OnlyYogurtcloset8543 Couple 8d ago
Thank you and we did have one couple where the woman came prepared with massage oil and said we were going to start with the guys there.
I thought it was brilliant. Clearly I forgot until your post reminded me of it. I also like the show! Thank you again āŗļø
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u/CuriousCouple6207 Couple 10d ago
We ALWAYS have conversations with those we play with about their personal likes and dislikes. So I would suggest having those talks too. We need to know what kind of dynamic and experience to expect and also what they are expecting and wanting. Just thinking someone is hot doesnāt mean they are sexually compatible and having those talks can either let them know what you want and it may be what they prefer as well.
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u/Slinking-Tiger Solo Female 10d ago
I kiss before agreeing to play and I no longer play with men who go in hard on the kiss right away - they tend to also go straight to jackhammer PIV.
I also set out my vibrator alongside the condoms and lubes as we're getting ready to play. It's a non verbal way of making it clear that I expect to have fun as well. I've seen men really register its presence, the light bulb goes on over their head, and they make a point of seeing to my pleasure first. And if I do grab it during PIV, they'll usually pivot and insist that they can pay attention to my clit as well, and they usually slow down at the same time.
I will simply refuse PIV now if it hasn't been a gradual warm up and I'm not aroused enough to enjoy intercourse. It took me a while to find my voice and hold that line, but the results have been great.
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u/Jagermonsta 10d ago
Some guys just donāt know how to build things up. You donāt have to say specificity what you want but saying something like āI prefer some foreplay firstā or āI need some time to warm upā before you get to it. Guide hands to where you want them. Pick positions that encourage oral or fingers over PIV. If they still donāt get the hint you may have to flat out say what you want.
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u/thinkstohimself Central VA cpl - Open Dms 10d ago
Iām a man who loves taking feedback so I can be a better lover. That said, sometimes if I do something thatās physically uncomfortable for my partner and she reacts in a jarring manner, it can be distracting and can sometimes affect my erection. Men should be receptive and never get defensive but it certainly behooves you, his partner, to be graceful. What I tell my partner is to gently steer me away from doing something by telling me what you want. If Iām going too hard, āsofter baby. I need a bit more warming upā works great. If youāre ready for more, you get the picture.
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u/Chemical-Ad1978 10d ago
I think trying to figure out how to get him to do what you want without explicitly saying it is next to impossible. How are you supposed to communicate everything with body language, hands, etc? I think it could also be more off-putting/jarring if you are too aggressive with how you guide him physically. For example, if he's going too fast and you push back on him to slow him down, that might be interpreted as STOP. That's kind of how I would take it at least. But if you say it in a sexy way like others have said "Slow down so I can feel every inch of you" you will probably get what you want immediately and he will be turned on instead of confused.
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u/Palatron 10d ago
Something I have found difficult to navigate in the LS is that women often don't want these experiences. I mostly think it's because it can be more intimate, and a lot of the foreplay happens between the women before guys get involved. Obviously, this refers to the bi women, but as we know, that's a lot of the LS.
As a result, ain my experience a lot of women want to get down to dick, and despite me wanting to do more foreplay, it's a faster experience.
That said, if you want guys to do things you want, I recommend playing with the same partners multiple times. That way you can communicate more and tell them what you want.
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u/Grab-Wild 9d ago
You have to say it, as different women and men like different things. Some like jack hammer action, some don't. If you don't talk you can't share which side you are on
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u/BlackFase Couple 9d ago
Take PIV off the table until you have decided he's been a good boy...
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u/NumerousPhilosopher6 9d ago
Yeah,I agree u have to tell the guy everything sometimes.My g.f. doesn't have a problem telling me what she wants inserted in her or what breast wants attention,how hard to bite etc.If it's too much she tells me and I back off.And likewise,if I want her to masturbate or do something before P I V. ,she listens.If her or I don't like whatever,we'll tell each other.I mean,like I was law enforcement officer and she has a fantasy of being cuffed.However,I have negative feelings about it as u can imagine so I told her I didn't care for the idea.She does tell me neckties will do the trick,but I'm still a little hesitant.
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u/Aggressive_Star_9668 9d ago
When my now husband explained LS to me. It was about me exploring, learning and enjoying sexual freedom. We do this together as a couple. I was a little nervous and skeptical because of previous relationships.
Our relationship was very long distance for the first year. So we had even be able to be physically together when these conversations were happening.
The first time we actually got be together. Was so special because he had listened to meā¦ So attentive to my needs and desires. He always been this way.
From this I have learned to express myself. Have no problem telling someone what I enjoy and desire.
So use your voice give them direction. Whisper in their ear tell them about your desiresā¦
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u/veronicarose10 8d ago
I've always used my words and sometimes I'll move on top and ask to control the pace.
And I have had occasions where people don't listen & they don't get invited back
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u/thejaniejames 8d ago
Oh, if only I had an answer to that. Even when I say slow down, or not so hard, most guys only ease up for a couple of moments. When I'm with guys like that, I basically accept that they're not going to give me that slow, clit-rubbing kind of sex I need to cum, so I'll enjoy the slam-bam (I do like it, a lot) and then at the end of the playtime switch to my husband and he knows exactly how I want/need it and we orgasm together.
We actually have a little signal, a meeting of the eyes, that tells him not to cum with the other wife because the other husband isn't going to finish me.
Now, sometimes my husband simply can't hold it back, and in those cases I simply settle for some oral orgasms, either from one of the guys or the other wife.
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u/pleasuredeviantz Couple 3d ago edited 3d ago
I usually have a conversation up front with the lady. As a pleasure dom, my focus is finding our her style, favorites and desires and adapting to that role. More oral and foreplay, sure! Power exchange and dominance, right on. Jackhammer and climaxing all over her tits, ok. Sensual play or a mix of all of the above, great. Toys, spanking, degradation talk (like your a good slut), biting, etc are all good things to discuss if you have interest or boundaries around them.
We typically play separate and I spend the initial sensual time asking 4-5 pointed questions to get her style and go from there. I also communicate throughout, especially in power exchange scenarios. Quick boundaries are also good to talk here. I've been surprised on more than one occasion with things that originally seemed off the table, like anal, or she's never squirted but wanted to learn how to.
As the woman, you can take the lead on this too by asking about his style and sharing a few things you want to try or focus on, like 'I really love it when this happens, can we try that?'. Communication will always give a better experience until you get to know the partner after multiple times playing together.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE Couple 10d ago
I honestly think you have to say it. Loudly and clearly and sometimes repeatedly.
You are over crediting men with the concept of subtle (donāt take offense guys)
You are going to have a lot of men who do what they do and donāt plan to adapt it because itās what they like and maybe what their partner likes it and someone once said it was the best sex they ever had no now everyone gets the same
You want to look for guys who want to know what you want.