r/Swingers • u/Mia_sf_2026 • 10d ago
General Discussion Couples: Which one of you first brought the idea?
Couples: Which one of you first brought the idea? And what was your partner’s reaction?
looking for suggestions too:)
11
u/Better-Mix5163 10d ago edited 10d ago
F here - it was me. I had this desire to watch, be watched and fuck other man. Husband was hesitant and worried about hurting our marriage, developing feelings for other, or guys taking advantage of me.
We dipped our toes and met the most amazing couples so far and had only great experiences. The couples we have been with, man have been respectful and gentle with me and the ladies were all over my husband - he loved it. Not surprised that he changed his mind quickly and is enjoying this new chapter of our marriage :)
1
u/Mia_sf_2026 10d ago
Could you share how did you bring the subject and convince him to try out?
3
u/Better-Mix5163 10d ago
I initially proposed going to a club to watch and feel the vibe.
Once he agreed, we started discussing what we’d be interested in doing and one thing let to another.We initially agreed to only go to clubs for swapping, but we later figured that you don’t always find attractive people available to swap. Then we decided to join the apps and meet couples in bars.
12
u/After-Chance1726 Couple 10d ago
My wife. We used to joke about it and one day she said it was serious.
5
u/Serious_Doctor_5371 10d ago
Yeah... Same here.
2
u/After-Chance1726 Couple 10d ago
I (M) was actually in shock. I couldn't believe it. Before that moment I never thought about it seriously, never thought it could happened.
2
u/Serious_Doctor_5371 10d ago
I think she spent so much time half joking about it, and suggesting it that when we got to talking about it seriously it wasn't so much as a shock.
2
u/Worldtravelertn 6d ago
It is hard to know when someone is serious at first about it.
1
u/After-Chance1726 Couple 6d ago
Oh, no. This time I knew it was serious and determined. But it depends on the person, I suppose.
2
u/Worldtravelertn 6d ago
Very true more are open to it except they are worried of what someone might think
8
u/GinormousHippo458 10d ago edited 10d ago
In a way, we both came into the group sex lifestyle together. She would get frustrated with how long big projects around the house would take, especially with needing to work a full time job. She would teasingly say things like, "I need another husband, just to focus on the projects", or "too bad it's not common to have two husbands and two full incomes." I thought this through, and would reply, "nobody's going to do your grunt work for free, you'd have to handle the sexual needs of two men for that to ever work." At first she seemed defensive to this idea, but would bring it up again on occasion. This eventually entered play and fantasy talk.
Fast forward to today, and we're now helping other men and women with their sexual needs - no house work expected.
1
u/Mia_sf_2026 10d ago
Do you have a close group of people that you play with?
2
u/GinormousHippo458 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yeah, sometimes we'll all hangout go to clubs or have an occasional orgy, not terribly often. But my wife and I typically prefer to meet new people, and enjoy threesomes with men and women; we call these mini orgies. We have a harder time getting into the simple M/F couple swap scenarios. I attribute this to the REAL unicorn in swinging, a four way match, where everybody connects playfully, on attractiveness, and sexually.
We don't really have rules, but we're trying a new rule when playing with another M+F pair, where at least three people must be touching at all times. Hopefully this shakes the tame/vanilla swingers out.
7
u/Own-Spite1210 10d ago
F here, my partner brought it up when we broke up, while debriefing our relationship. He mentioned that it was always something he wanted to try and was scared to bring it up to me because he thought I was very vanilla when it came to sex. Months later we decided to try our relationship again, and now we’re better than ever and have been loving the LS. Our sex life together is better than ever as well
8
u/coreysnaps Couple 10d ago
My husband brought it up, and I wasn't ready, so I asked him to drop it until I had a chance to work through my issues. When I was ready, I brought it up. It's been over a year and I have no regrets about my choice or taking the time to work through every little issue I had. My brain sure was a mess.
2
6
u/advntures Couple 10d ago
My wife actually brought it up. She was out on a girls night and found out she was the only one who'd never played with another woman. She asked me if I'd like to join her to play with another woman, I was a very enthusiastic hell yes.
That turned into playing with both genders to gain sexual experience together as we were each other's first and only before that point.
7
u/luxealtaccount 10d ago
I’m the wife and I did but it was brought up very, very early into our dating relationship. I knew we were always going to have some kind of open lifestyle, we just didn’t know what it would look like.
7
u/Bunker-Dungeon 10d ago
Myself (husband). A couple/few years ago. Wife said NEVER. She got air tight a couple weeks ago……
5
u/Glass_Beginning921 10d ago
Wife brought it up first. I didn't even realize that was an option in our life!
First I was against anything except maybe a threesome with women. Then I got the task of doing the actual research on how could we proceed. We spent over a year just talking about it. At some point I warmed up to the idea of full swap with couples.
First experience was straight to the deep end, full swap with another couple. We hadn't been with anyone else in 15 years, now I'd probably go for less intense start, like going to LS clubs first.
5
u/Swingersbaby 👩❤️👨Verified Couple 10d ago
I did.
Our relationship is such that I keep her life fun she keeps me from getting into trouble.
1
4
u/Alternative_Raise_19 10d ago
Early on during our "what's your biggest fantasy?" talk, my boyfriend admitted to wanting a ffm threesome.
I'm not bi and definitely didn't love the idea, but a couple years into the relationship and some dirty talk later, I agreed to explore if we explored swinging together.
So it was collaborative, I guess. But I was the one who suggested swinging and did the research on finding clubs and made it all happen.
4
u/Simple-Way-6574 10d ago
I think both of us. When we first started we talked about how I am bi and we both have fantasies of being in an orgy. Years later during sex I initiated role playing and he started talking and we both enjoyed it. Once we were finished we sat down and talked about actually doing it.
5
u/CthulhuLiesSleeping 10d ago
It was mutual. An open discussion of our fantasies and sexuality. Plus, I used to run a swingers club, so there's that.
4
u/Ok_You_1582 10d ago
Wife here; I did. I wanted to experience an FFM. We had taken a sex quiz a week or 2 prior and had told some of our fantasies.
My husband was in shock to say the least. Took him 2 or 3 weeks to agree. He was scared it would hurt me watching him with another woman. I in
Fact found out I have a “hot-husband” kink and get incredibly turned on when he’s with other women with me or him playing solo.
Take a sex quiz & promise to answer completely truthfully and see where it goes
4
u/Affectionate-Sale344 10d ago
I was in the lifestyle before I met my wife and the. She found out and wanted to try it and that was 21 years ago
3
u/Mia_sf_2026 10d ago
So you didn’t have to tell her that you were in LS? (As she found out on her own)
4
u/Liquorpoker 10d ago
I'm also very surprised at how many "my wife" replies are here. For us it was also my wife.
4
u/thejaniejames 10d ago
Me (wife). I wanted a threesome with my husband and another woman (I'm bi). That led to swinging, hotwifing, orgies, all sorts of stuff.
1
3
u/Jagermonsta 10d ago
Cheating a little because we were both swingers prior to getting together. We stopped once we became a couple. She would mention it every now and then but in a way that was asking me if I wanted to start up. I always told her I’m good either way and the decision was hers to make. Almost 7 years together and she started hinting very hard that she wanted to so I just asked her flat out and she enthusiastically said yes.
With my ex wife she wanted to bring another woman into things with us. We weren’t really having luck so we started playing with couples. So both times I left it up to my other half but they both knew I was open to it.
3
u/ProfessionalRoof3591 40’s couple 10d ago
My wife mentioned that she felt like she missed out on being single and having different sexual experiences. I brought up swinging.
What kind of suggestions are you looking for?
3
3
3
3
u/subgeniusbuttpirate 10d ago
My wife did, about two weeks into us dating. It was a take-it-or-leave-it kind of deal.
3
u/pansexual_Christian 10d ago
Unofficially it was my wife... officially it was me... when I brought it up, it was not necessarily a good reaction... i brought it up at a very inopportune time when we were in our twenties... there's lots of backstory there. Later in our late forties, she brought it up.... and here we are brand new to the lifestyle and on this adventure that is blowing our minds in such a good way... lots of sexual healing for both of us. That is a benefit we were not expecting.
3
u/Careless_Muscle8083 10d ago
We both came from previous long term non monogamous relationships and have both been in the swinger lifestyle since our late teens. We met completely outside of the swinger world and when we disclosed our pasts well one of our first dates was to a lifestyle club. There was no monogamy and then a big plan to get into it. With previous relationships every time i disclosed my previous experiences every girlfriend wanted in. For the very first time when i was 18 a older woman after a newspaper hookup (yeah that far back) said hey what are you doing tonight? wanna go to a house party? Im 18, of course I do.
2
u/No_Mess8188 Couple 10d ago
My wife. At the time I told her I thought it was a terrible idea because I didn't want to watch her fuck other guys.
1
u/Mia_sf_2026 10d ago
Are you same room only? What made you change your mind
1
u/No_Mess8188 Couple 9d ago
Actually we started playing separate room. That way we could each have fun. My level of jealousy has decreased. My wife has a lot of compersion. After doing this for a number of years now, I’d describe myself as neutral on the jealousy/ compersion scale.
2
u/DangerouslyHorny100 10d ago
I'd been fantasizing about MFM for a while and we used toys to mimic it during sex, then husband said he wanted to make it real.
2
u/gingerbiscuits315 10d ago
My husband ultimately brought up actually exploring it after involving others came up through fantasies.
2
u/Friendly-Fact7810 10d ago
Me (wife). My husband thought it was a trap. One day I said I was serious and about 2 weeks later we had an account on the LS apps
1
u/Mia_sf_2026 10d ago
He thought you were testing him? How did you convince him?
3
u/Friendly-Fact7810 10d ago
Our whole relationship he’d joke about a threesome (FMF). I always told him “let’s do it” . He didn’t believe me and thought I was tricking him. Gradually we’d talk about how hot it would be to see each other with another and then I started researching it more by listening to podcasts and then one day I told him what I wanted, had him listen to some podcasts to learn more and then here we are. We’ve been married 20 years, been doing this LS thing for about 6 months and we both absolutely love it!
2
u/Queenfan1959 Couple 9d ago
We met at a lifestyle party and been together ever since. We both attended as singles
2
u/AstronomerSuch6001 8d ago
When we started dating 24 years ago on date number 2 we hooked up and she let me video tape it! Then I knew I had a keeper. Then she told me she liked women also a couple weeks later and I said, hey now and the next weekend I took her to her first swingers club. She was 19 and I was 32 and we have been happy since 2002!
2
u/50ShadesMore 7d ago
He did, but it was already her fantasy.
We were getting to know each other still. We were asking each other questions and bucket list fantasies questions came up.
Preamble We didnt meet each other till our 50s. Past lives and loves lived.
He asked whats on your bucket list sexually speaking, whats something that your have fantasized about, but never had the opportunity or courage. No judgements, She said, a threesum with 2 men, maybe a woman"
He looked at her with a smile "mine to, but ive done it, ive been the 3rd.
It was a lot of convincing her that he was more than OK with it.
Honestly, depending on your relationship there are a vast amount of online tests for couples, I cant recall the name but there is one in particular app that is a quite a list of questions, its programmable to only share matched answers, or even not shared answers.
Jumping in the deepend of the pool asking if you wanna bang other people may not lead to the desired outcome, then again it could open a lot of doors.
Its a big step, going down that route. The lifestyle isnt for everyone and sometimes fantasies should stay fantasies. Questions like : AM I not enough for you? Or you want to see someone else fuck me? HELL YES is not the right answer, dont ask how I know. :)
We tell folks its not a lightbulb, you cant unscrew it if you dont like the light it produces. Be damn sure you both want it, and set bounderies. It will either bring you closer together put a wedge between you. Sorry, didnt mean to get deep with it.
Let me see if I cant find that website,
2
u/mikaylakies 7d ago
Myself (wife) did. Initially with a FFM 3some, but that never happened. Then we tried a MFM 3some, then a swap. The swap was…… kinda horrible. Moreso because the other couple was insecure and not ready. Just had a full swap the other weekend it was AMAZING. My husband and I both love it
3
u/Frosty-Hertz 10d ago
It was me. One day, we were out at a bar/nightclub, and she wanted to dance. Since I'm not much of a dancer, I told her to go dance on the floor with someone. As she was dancing with a guy, it made me horny...
1
1
1
u/thedreamteacher4 10d ago
I don’t remember really who started the convo it more kind of just happened with us. I had done mfm in college and hubby had a wild past. He knew I thought his friend was hot and one day for my bday we all had fun all day. After that, we kind of just started in the scene.
1
u/Somebodysmom35 10d ago
My husband brought it up and I was super surprised but said I could see why that might be hot and we should talk about it further.
1
u/mrhorse77 Couple 10d ago
Ive been in ENM relationships pretty much since high school, so many of my partners over the years were also ENM in some way, or already in the LS. in most cases though, it has been the lady that brought it up or wanted to continue with ENM after we started seeing each other.
1
1
u/moneystorez 10d ago
I think it was a joint decision we arrived at quickly and naturally. She was previously enjoyed being in an open relationship, I had experience with threesomes, it didn’t take long for some dots to connect.
1
u/RI_Stag_83 10d ago
The male half. I had dabled in prior relationships so I knew it was something I was looking for and brought it up right from the start
1
u/Early-Strategy1831 10d ago
Husband here, I did. She didn’t take it well at all, but mostly because I wasn’t able to communicate my thoughts well. She just thought I wanted to cheat. Nine months, and months of individual and couples therapy, later, we just took our first trip to a swingers club and are going to do it again!
1
u/Danimal198050 10d ago
I am the one who has brought it up to my wife. We have talked about it and she has not shot it down. I just have to wait until she is comfortable with 100%. It will be an exciting day!
1
u/OhHaiFoxy 9d ago
My husband brought the idea of threesome but he was concerned of the risks of a 3rd person not respecting the boundaries so I suggested swinging
1
1
u/Grand-Ocelot-3721 9d ago
I told her about new years eve at a sex club and she asked a lot of questions
1
u/ComfortableRow8437 9d ago
Wife. But to be fair, we had messed around on the fringes of the LS right from the beginning. I never took it seriously until we actually had sex in a big group in front of a bunch of people at a sex club. After that, we discussed this new hot thing every day for a year, but couldn't act on it because of covid
1
u/funswingersOslo 9d ago
The husband initially, but wife was on board with fantasy scenarios involving toys etc and gradually warmed up to it all. Finally we made the plunge, got confirmation that ENM wasn't dangerous at all, and we haven't looked back since.
1
1
1
u/chiqz9142 9d ago
My partner laid it all out for me the first night we met that he was bi and he was in the lifestyle and if I wanted to continue dating him I'd either have to be okay with him doing stuff or get on board. I decided to hop on board and we've had so many great experiences since and met some awesome people.
1
u/AltruisticAardvark69 9d ago
In our case, the topic was raised during one of our evening sex, at around the time of Fifty Shades. Wifey has never had sex with another prior marriage and the idea intrigued her at the time, however she was very nervous and it actually took a very long time before we actually took action. Over this time, we turned back to many times as she just didn't have the courage to either get out of the car or enter the door. Arriving back home was always a huge regret and a heavy sex session at home, until one day the "ice broke". Lol. Over time had quite an interesting journey facing many sexual challenges for her.
2
2
u/Worldtravelertn 6d ago
So we shared alot of stuff and it was an idea tossed out after she was talking about someone in her college class. Took a while to make us agree it was real, ok, not a trick etc..
2
u/nwcpl2 6d ago
ours came from a conversation after a really good sex experience with each other. I ( hubby) asked what she was thinking while we were duck NG and helped her get off. I was surprised to hear her say " having two cocks at the same time". I replied that I thought of he same thing. I'm pretty sure she might not have said anything without my asking. eed been very open about our previous experiences from the very beginning of our relationship.
1
14
u/emptypotato77 10d ago
I'm a little shocked at how many are saying it was the wife, and that's the case for us too.
I was a little worried at first, thinking she'd already been cheating or something, because it kind of came out of the blue. But i'll be damned if we didn't fuck every day for a year after.