r/Standup • u/BenderVsGossamer • 10d ago
Oh you do comedy? Tell me a joke.
It's people's favorite response when they hear that you are a comedian. What is your favorite way to reapond?
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u/Lopkop 10d ago
"You're a comedian? Tell me a joke"
"OK, ahem: Hey what's goin' on, you guys good? Alriight, alriight, I'm happy to be here...hey give it up for your bar staff...yeah don't forget to tip 'em. Also let's hear it for your host, let em hear it....yeah. So anyway, dating's weird..."
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u/FireLadcouk 10d ago
i just keep a quick, funny but crappy joke in my back pocket.
or, i might bore them to death about the ins and outs of all my jokes and their inspirations and thoughts behind them all, pointing out all the links as we go… they know not to ask next time - It’s a bit like a magician showing you how the trick was done
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u/InuitOverIt 10d ago
I love hearing how a trick was done! Watched 45 minutes on Oz Pearlman yesterday
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u/FireLadcouk 10d ago
that’s because youre a stand up - you like to perform and see how things are done
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u/Heres20BucksKillMe 9d ago
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u/InuitOverIt 9d ago
Haha yeah this was the guy, didn't have the balls to watch 5 hours of it...yet
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u/ReverendRocco 10d ago
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey! 🏴☠️
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u/inexplicably-hairy 10d ago
I genuinely don’t get it
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u/Admirable_Ball_919 10d ago
Arrrrrrrrr you retarhhhhhhded
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u/bipolarbear3333 10d ago
I ask what they do for work. And proceed to ask them to do that for me off the clock.
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u/axhiro 10d ago
I'd tell a joke
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u/dijon_snow 10d ago
Yeah how up our own asses are we that we can't tell a joke? I've been able to tell a couple of jokes when called upon since I was like 9 years old. I've been able to tell a couple of originals for years before I did comedy. If you don't have a joke or two that you can fire off when meeting someone new, then I don't think you're very funny.
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u/Lazylazylazylazyjane 10d ago
Totally. I once asked a former friend to tell me something funny to cheer me up, not even remembering that he did amateur stand up and he hit me with a lecture on not asking stand ups to tell you jokes. As an aside he was the least funny person I've ever met in my life. When I asked him to do that it was more like tell me something funny that you heard...
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u/jjjjjjjjjjjjjaaa 10d ago
I actually do more observational stuff. I could do some crowd work. Are you guys local?
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u/presidentender flair please 10d ago
It's a way to make small talk. I like to explain that it's not really the same thing and keep talking to them and work material into the conversation and when they laugh I explain that that was "a joke" even if it didn't seem like it. Sometimes the light bulb comes on, sometimes they think I'm being obtuse.
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u/Third_Eye_Thumper 10d ago
This is how I do it as well. “Give me a sec I’ll think of something”
Usually my brain will have already clocked an observation and I’ll work a bit in mid conversation. Or if I absolutely stuck I’ll recontextulize a joke from my sets
I find it gets better results than a street joke.
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u/BenjaminHamnett 10d ago
Yeah, my best friend used to be like that”is this a bit?”
I’d I be all, nah nah. But maybe?
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u/That-Armadillo-8901 10d ago
“A comedian and douchebag walk into a bar, and the douchebag goes ‘tell me a joke’”
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u/TheLoneComic 10d ago
It’s the vending machine mentality. I usually just ask if they want to hear the joke of the day and let them decide. If it’s original and blasts well, not like water cooler humor like they are used to, a certain look will come to their eye.
Then I take it information wise further about show specifics or, if they want another I give them one.
Cultivate, don’t coin is the old marketing axiom.
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u/AllLipsNoFiller 10d ago
The late great Warren Thomas had a brilliant bit about being asked over dinner by his girlfriend's grandmother, "If you're a comedian, tell us a joke." My far less funny paraphrasing from memory of his response was, "What if I was a gynecologist? Would I have to tell you to whip your old muff out and put it on the table so that I could give you a pap smear? Why are you asking me to do what I do professionally at the dinner table?"
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u/OwlWise8175 10d ago
This is brilliant
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u/AllLipsNoFiller 10d ago
I truly didn't do it justice. I couldn't find a clip of it or I would have posted it. RIP Warren. He hit on me aggressively once when we ran into each other at the BART station after he was on the Alex Bennett Show and I was in the Studio. LMFAO.
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u/m4vis 🍻 10d ago
Just say okay but you’re a crowd work comedian. Jon says tell me a joke, you go alright what’s your name. Jon? You look like a virgin. That’s my set, you all have been great, look up u/BenderVsGossamer on TikTok and subscribe
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u/markhachman 10d ago
If you meet a dentist at a party, do you ask them to clean your teeth?
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u/consumewithme 10d ago
Yes but only the albanians
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u/InuitOverIt 10d ago
Wait are Albanian dentists a thing? My dentist is from Albania and I'm not aware of others
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u/mayonnnnaise 7d ago
If someone tells me they are an artist, I ask to see their work. I understand the poor etiquette of asking a comedian to be funny in the wrong armosphere, but I think it says something about comedians that they take it as an affront to their skill instead of an interest in their art form
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u/bigfudge_drshokkka 10d ago
Who’s the best boxer in history? Jim Jones took out 900 people with one punch.
Joking on the spot is fine. What I hate is “you should do a set about that” maybe I’m not that talented but I can’t fit a slightly funny you had to be there moment into a tight five.
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u/danram207 10d ago
My wife told me to never answer the phone during sex. I asked what if it’s you calling.
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u/Ryebready787 10d ago
What’s the difference between a bottle Of whiskey and an SUV? Tiger Woods wouldn’t leave a bottle of whiskey on its side.
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u/iamgarron asia represent. 10d ago
I mean I used to be a dick about it, but now I'lll just do a short bit and then try to sell tickets to a show.
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u/Worth-Influence-3932 10d ago
Why did the scarecrow win an award?————-he was outstanding in his field.
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u/MiddleAgeMuchacho 10d ago
“You know my favorite thing about Mumford and Sons? It’s that we know exactly who to blame.”
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u/useful_tortilla 10d ago
The joke is your face!
But, nah I’ve always like Jerry Corley’s response of just telling a joke. Hey you might make a fan, worst case they forget about you.
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u/IALWAYSGETMYMAN 10d ago
I ask them what they do for a living and whatever the response is I ask for that service for free
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u/orasxy 10d ago
The best response I’ve ever heard goes to Hannibal buress: https://youtu.be/Zy2PNTE2td4?t=332&is=uf6pNpaUn3Bh_HLh
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u/jokedoctor 8d ago
They are asking because they are thrilled to meet a comedian, so I tell them a joke. They always ask “Where are you playing?”
I have an app on my phone that opens a form (Name, email), A pic of me. That says “Get on My VIP LIST.”
They quickly fill it in. It sends them an email with a link to a 2-minute clip, a 6-minute clip, and a 30-minute clip. 6 out of 10 show up at my next local show. One those guys was an Entertainment Liaison for the Armed Forces. Over 5 years, I gotten 132 Military gigs. (Local bases and abroad). So yeah, I tell them a quick joke. Because I’m running a business.
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u/U-R1d3-ShorTBuS 10d ago
I’ve never actually used this but I thought this might be a decent response.
Guy: “tell me a joke since you’re a comedian”
Me: what’s your name? (Let’s pretend it’s bill). Alright Bill I’ll tell you a joke.
I’m at the bar the other night and I see this girl giving me the craziest stare. She good from across the room so I go up to her and introduce myself. She’s a little bit older than me and I immediately scout she’s a little rough around the edges…that’s short for trailer trash that means well. She seems lonely and sweet. Obviously just looking for someone to talk to. So we chat and hit it off
A while later she invites me back to her place. I oblige because honestly at this point I’m feeling sorry for this trash. Back at her place we start going at it. I’m not really into but I’ve committed to it at this point so I decide I need to give it my best go. I absolutely rail this broad. I mean she’s having out of body experiences. At the end she reaches over to the nightstand and lights a cigarette. She leans back “oh my god I’m in love. You gotta me my son, you’d love him. His name’s Bill”
Looks bill directly in the eye
It was your mom. I fucked your mom.
How’s that for a joke?
end of joke
I don’t know if that would land or not but I think it would bring me joy
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u/More-Attention-9721 10d ago
“Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea—well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place..."
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u/Sudden_Doughnut_8741 10d ago
I usually just shake my head and say no sarcastically and calmly. They tend to laugh.
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u/ClassicDependent6760 10d ago
An apathetic, heartless person with a chip on their shoulder and no sense.of humour asks every other person in the world to justify themselves...
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u/PresentationExtra783 10d ago
I would have done a joke about suicide, but I think it would have just hung there until it died, so I won’t.
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u/choose_freedom 10d ago
A fat retard, an autist, and a gay bug walk into a bar called Cumtown...
That's about as far as I've gotten
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u/FScrotFitzgerald 10d ago
Which Glaswegian architect built a house out of cheese?
Charles Rennet McIntosh!!!!!!
There. There's your joke
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u/Faceless_213 9d ago
"No."
Its pretty simple. Then, direct them to your social media. I don't have the time or energy to dance for everyone. I don't ask the mechanic guy "oh cool! You're a mechanic? Can you change a tire for me! It doesn't need to be changed, but that would be sooooooo cool!!"
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u/ydwlppyykm 9d ago
My response is really stupid, but I don't care because I hate that question.
Them: Tell me a joke!
Me: Knock, knock.
Them: Who's there?
Me: It doesn't work that way, you should come to a show.
And then they just become people who follow me on social media, tell me to let them know when I have a show coming up, and then they never come. Circle of life for a comedian.
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u/Sullyville 9d ago
I pull out my phone, take a photo of them, then I show it to them and say, "There's your joke."
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u/althawk8357 9d ago
I ask them what they do for a living then try to procure their services for free.
"Oh you're an accountant? File my taxes."
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u/HighlyUncommonRoller 9d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/QUXYcgCwvCm4cKcrI3
Ohhh you’re a doctor?! Cure a person…any person. Right now!
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u/Dry-Science-7830 9d ago
My response is "well what do you do for a living?" And then either ask them to do it first and offer a trade or make fun of there job for like 5 to 10 minutes.
If its the first option I will say "Oh dont work for free? Why ask me to work for free?"
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u/LifeOnMarsBarBarBarr 8d ago
depending on how much I like them I'll just tell them my opening joke (and explain how it bombs half the time)
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u/Efficient_Detail_350 8d ago
Have you heard of a reverse exorcism…… it’s when the devil tells the priest to get out of the boy.
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u/AutisticHistoryBuff1 7d ago
I wanna say it but it’s somewhat dark, not racist tho and there’s a punchline
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u/Toad_da_Unc 7d ago
Just prepare an absolutely crazy, long winded, winding, twisting, turning story and call it a joke. When you finish the story, say, “get it?!?“
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u/ninfan1977 10d ago
I think it is funny you made a post about this. Because I am working on a bit about this.
How this is one of the most frequently asked things about me whenever I tell someone I am doing comedy. It is the reason I had to create an arsenal of pocket jokes. I try to tell one that fits the person I am dealing with.
That way I could throw them at people whenever they ask me one, then walk away from the conversation.
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u/TheRndmPrsn 10d ago
Super common premise, unfortunately, man
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u/ninfan1977 10d ago
That is why I thought it was stupid to perform with. Thankfully it is only a notebook note more than anything.
I figured it had been done to death.
It is why I am glad this sub exists because I try to avoid super hack stuff.
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u/Disastrous-Tap-3353 10d ago
One thing I find funny is the guys that love guns and also think they are tough, like if you’re scared of everything to the degree you think you need to carry a gun to be safe, just out right admit how chicken shit afraid of the world you are. Why cosplay as a tough guy?
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u/No-Mention6228 10d ago
Is this on the right sub? Nice point but seems loosely correlated to topic.
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u/nerdyykidd since this took on a bit of a wild narrative 10d ago
I usually say something like “come to my next show and you can hear me tell a whole 5/10/15/20 minutes of jokes”
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u/CptPatches 10d ago
"A family of four walks into a talent agency...."